A/N- Woo! Part 2 is up! Thanks to Magz and her beta-hat and for the help on the title. Look for more 'Acting on Impulse' next! A very big THANK YOU goes to everyone who has left me such POSITIVE reviews but keep 'em coming! REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!!! Remember to check my website- w w w . still- believe . org/ marishna for future, faster updates!
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He wasn't sure how long he sat. It was starting to get dark and he was exhausted from crying for so long.
He took a deep breath and laid his hand on the top of her tombstone. "I miss you, mom. M'not sure I know how to do this without you…but I'm going to try. I know you'd want me to. But it's going to be hard. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't want to disappoint you," he whispered to her.
A cool breeze whipped up around him and rustled his unkempt curls. He inhaled shakily, feeling stupid but daring to believe that just maybe she had heard him.
At the same time the girl watching him had felt the breeze as well and she smiled, wishing she could feel what he was right now. He struck her as being a closet believer. Someone who scoffed at the thought of others watching over him or talking to those that are no longer around…but when he was all alone in his room, in the depths of his soul, he was searching for that sign that someone out there heard him, supported him and was there for him when he felt all alone. She had been that someone; she wondered who it was now, if there was anyone.
I wonder if there's anyone watching over ME right now? She thought to herself. She shrugged and continued to watch as Spike wiped at his eyes a last time and stood up shakily. The human body had never impressed her much when she had watched the world below, but there was something about him that made her want to feel for herself. To be able to physically reach out and touch him, to make sure he was real. She didn't know if it was the way that he carried himself or the way he didn't even try to look like he did- he just was- but whatever it was it drew her to him. She also wondered if she wasn't biased toward him because she had been watching over him for so long and had seen him grow into the man that he was today. He hadn't been seen for the past week, but she knew he was still there, waiting for when it was safe for him to emerge again.
He stood at her grave for a few minutes longer, fixing the flowers that had been left on her tombstone, picking off dead petals and rearranging them so they still looked good. He made a mental note to bring flowers to her every week or so.
With a heavy heart that was actually considerably lighter than when he had showed up here he turned to leave. He put on a stony face, so as not to belie his emotions but on the inside he was screaming to go back and lay down on her grave, to cry until someone brought her back for him. He knew it would never happen but he felt he needed to at least try.
He walked. He weaved his way through the other tombstones, only noticing them enough to be able to move around them. He was so caught up in his own inner turmoil that he failed to notice the petite blonde who had stood and walked out from beneath her tree to follow him.
He walked to the gates of the cemetery and paused. He had the oddest feeling that someone was watching him. He turned quickly but there was no one there. Had he been expecting a ghostly visit from his mother to come ease his pain? He shook his head and turned back around slowly. He looked up as he turned and jumped. There was an angel standing in front of him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," the angel offered her hand to him to shake. He stared at it dumbly, his eyes moving from it to her face. She was gorgeous. She had on a white tank top and simple white cotton drawstring pants. Her long, light blonde hair shone in the late afternoon sun.
"Hi? Uh, I didn't stun you, did I?" she asked, waving the hand she'd held out in front of his face. Spike blinked and focused on her again.
"What?" Spike gave his head a shake and tried again. "M'sorry. I didn't mean to be rude."
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pop up without warning. I saw you walking and I wondered if you could help me?" She watched him carefully, noting how haggard he looked up close, and the red eyes and nose from crying. Here he was in corporeal form, mere inches away from her finally. Her new heart sped up in excitement.
"You need my help?" Spike asked, looking around to make sure there was no one following her.
"I'm lost. I've just moved to Sunnydale. I went out for a walk and got myself all turned around. I know it isn't a big town, but I'm slightly directionally impaired," the angel explained apologetically.
"Oh, sure. That's no problem. Do you know where you're supposed to be?" Spike asked, curious at the town's new addition. She looked young, probably a university student. He didn't see a ring on her finger so he assumed she was single. Not the right time to be scamming for a date, you wanker he thought to himself.
"Uh, Revello, I think. 1626," she told him, biting her lip as she thought.
"I thought I saw moving vans there earlier. I'm actually your neighbor," Spike told her. "I was just on my way home so I can walk you there. If you'd like."
She smiled. "I'd appreciate that. That works out nicely then, doesn't it? I'm finding my way home and meeting my neighbor all in one. Like killing a couple birds with a rock," she told him. He gave her a funny smile.
"Right. Yeah, so I'm Spike, by the way," He offered his hand to her this time, which she accepted.
"I'm Buffy. Buffy Summers," she replied in a slightly hushed voice. She watched their hands joined together in awe before she pulled hers away, abiding by the appropriate code of conduct that she inherently knew.
My first human contact! My first handshake and the first time I've touched him. He feels wonderful, her mind thought excitedly.
"It's nice to meet you, Buffy," Spike gave her a small smile. He started walking in the direction back to their houses, leaving her to follow him. She furrowed her brow at his disinterest and trailed after him.
"So, what do you do, Spike?" Buffy asked, catching up with him. He turned his head to look at her and shrugged.
"Suppose I'll be headed back to school in a couple weeks. Supposed to graduate this year," he told her, squinting into the sun facing them as they walked.
"Oh, that's exciting. What are you taking?" Buffy asked, trying to get his enthusiasm up.
"'M a history major," was his short reply.
"That's very interesting. What period do you study?" She was oblivious to his growing annoyance with her questions and kept chattering at him.
"English history. Middle Ages, Anglo-Saxons and all that. War of the Roses, you know," he waved his hand dismissively. Buffy nodded, confused, and smiled again.
"Graduating, huh? You must be looking forward to that. What do you plan on doing after?"
"Not sure yet. Haven't given it much thought of late,"
"You don't know what you might want to-" Spike cut her off, hoping to get the focus off him. He was tired and grumpy as well as uneasy with the questioning. After spending a week in a self-induced, isolated, drunken stupor it was hard for him to be around people. That was all beside the fact that he wasn't functioning to full capacity anyway, especially on an emotional level.
"What are you doing here, pet?" He asked her instead. She gave him a dazzling smile that normally would have turned his head in a second but he couldn't bring himself to try to sweep her off her feet.
"I moved here to go to school." All these words came to her in a flash, a product of being made human by the PtB. They sent her here with memories, ideas and common knowledge that would be enough to get her by while she was functioning in a human life. She couldn't wait to go home and try out the blender she had somewhere in her kitchen. She had the memory of one, but had never physically used one yet. It looked like fun.
"Oh, so you're going to Sunnydale U, too? What are YOU taking?" Spike turned her questions back on herself.
"I'm studying psychology. I find human nature very intriguing," she told him. He just nodded. They walked in silence for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say for different reasons.
"So, this is Maple. Right off the main drag. We go to the very end and it's Revello." Spike spoke first, gesturing to the end of the street they were on.
"That's close to everything at least. So, um… how long have you lived here?" Buffy asked hesitantly.
"Since I was eight. Was in England before." Spike told her, answering what he figured to be her next question as well.
"That must have been fun! Why did you leave?" She asked. She figured if she pressed him for details, to work through what was bothering him right away she could have him back to his old self in no time.
"That's a little personal, actually." Spike told her hesitantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I'm prying. I don't mean to, I just get nervous around new people and you're new- no I'M new, but you're new to me and I want to make a good impression here and-"
Spike cut her off again. "Whoa- it's ok. Really. Just relax a little, eh?" He shook his head and wondered what kind of nut he ran across tonight. He immediately felt bad thinking about her that way. She was perfectly nice and trying to make friends in a new place. She wasn't bad looking either, not that right now was a good time for him to be thinking about that. He just wanted to show her way home, go to his own house and go to bed. He had had enough fresh air and he was exhausted from crying.
"Sorry." Buffy muttered. This was going horribly. She was supposed to help with his pain, not cause him more. All she was doing was alienating him. She had to get used to this mortal existence and how to act around others. Fast.
They turned onto Revello and walked in silence to their houses, a short way down the street. The moving van was gone, but Spike could clearly see boxes everywhere in the house through the front windows. She would likely be unpacking for a while.
"This is you, pet, right?" he asked her. He turned to her, and watched her stare at the house, almost in awe. Maybe her last place hadn't been as big? "Pet?"
"Sorry," Buffy repeated, turning to Spike. "Thanks for walking me here. Again, I really appreciate it."
"No problem."
"So uh... I'll see you around?" she asked hopefully.
"Maybe. Things are a little… hectic right now for me." He told her.
"Oh, sure. I was just going to ask if you could show me around sometime, maybe on campus. But I'm sure I can find someone else," she gave him a small smile and turned to continue down her front walk. She turned back, "It was nice to meet you, Spike."
He watched her walk away from him and disappear into her house, as an empty hollow space formed in his gut. He was lonely.
He turned to go to his own house but glanced back at her windows once more where he could see her moving around the boxes. "It was nice to meet you too," he said to himself.
He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket and walked to his house, slamming the door as usual when he went in. His father emerged from the living room and greeted him at the door with a huge smile on his face.
"Happened to see you out there with a pretty young lady, Will."
"Yeah, what of it?" He shrugged out of his jacket and threw it on the stand by the door.
"Just wondering if she's a friend of yours, is all," Ethan told him. "It's nice to see you get out."
"She's the new neighbor. Don't know anything else about her than that. Can I go now?"
Ethan sighed but nodded and watched as his son climbed the stairs to his room. He had hoped that this girl was his girlfriend or a very good friend that he could rely on. Ethan knew that he hadn't been a good parent and that at this point it was going to be next to impossible to mend his ties with Spike but he was going to try. And in the event that it didn't work he prayed that there was a support system for Spike to help him through this. It was going to get worse before it got better, he knew.
"Well, if I'm going to be here I might as well make myself useful," he mumbled to himself and went to the kitchen to see if there was anything he could send to the new neighbors as a welcome.
* * * * *
Spike stomach growled insistently when he smelled Ethan's cooking wafting from the kitchen. He had been sprawled on his bed, trying to concentrate on a book but mainly wondering if he should head out to Willie's and have a couple rounds with the regulars there. He didn't want to but he didn't know what else to do with his time, trapped in his thoughts and memories.
The smell finally got to be too much for him and he thumped down the stairs to find out what Ethan had made for dinner. When he got to the kitchen his father was carrying the covered casserole dish and a bag of rolls out of the room.
"What's for dinner?" Spike asked, trying to get a look in the dish.
"Don't know yet," Ethan answered him, passing through the dining room to the front door. "This is for the neighbors. I'm sure they don't have time to cook and would appreciate a hot meal."
"What? No, I'm sure they're fine. You should just stay out of it." Spike told him, following him to the door. He didn't like the thought of Ethan making friends with the neighbors. That was something his mother did. SHE made them hot meals and desserts and became friends with them. Not Ethan.
"It's one meal, Will. I'm sure that young lady would like it," He opened the front door carefully and paused over the threshold. "You could come over and meet everyone, show them how nice the people are in this town."
"No thanks. I've already been hospitable enough for one day. They've probably called for carryout or something." Spike called after him as Ethan left the house.
"They can freeze it." He threw over his shoulder. Spike closed the door and leaned his forehead against the wood. He knew what his father was trying to do and he disliked him even more for it. If he had wanted to get to know Buffy more he would have. He didn't know why Ethan had to go poking his nose into his business, bothering the nice people next door.
He walked to the living room and watched out the windows as Ethan walked next door and down the pathway to the front door. He rang the bell and stepped back, waiting for someone to come. A minute later Spike watched Ethan stand up straight and talk to whoever had opened the door. Then Buffy stepped out with a huge smile on her face. She spoke with Ethan for a few moments before gesturing to the house and together they walked inside.
Spike sat on the couch and twirled his fingers. He fiddled with his thumb ring, tugged at his shirt and ran his hands through his hair. His mind wandered to Ethan over there with Buffy, the girl who reminded him of an angel. He wasn't worried for her safety but she did seem easy to impress, eager to please, perhaps a little naïve. Ethan was the type of person to take advantage of that. She was old enough for him to go after but young enough that he'd feel like a big man for it.
Spike shook his head, almost ashamed for thinking of his father that way. Didn't he run off with a pretty little blonde chit when he abandoned you and you mum? His mind taunted him. He stabbed you in the back once, why not do it again? Take the girl that he thinks you have an interest in…
"Bloody buggering hell." Spike muttered to himself as he stood. He left the house and strode to the house next door, grumbling the whole way.
* * * * *
"'Slices, dices and purees. Good for parties, brunches, or your own healthy drinks.'" Buffy read off the instruction booklet that came with her blender. She gave a small squeal when she pulled it out of the box and set it on the counter, anxious to try it out. She reached in the big box with other appliances again and pulled out a toaster and a teakettle.
Her first meeting with Spike hadn't gone as well as she had hoped it would. She understood that he was in pain, but she was reaching out to him. She was trying to be his friend so that he wouldn't have to feel alone. She knew that from what she felt inside and couldn't understand why he wasn't responding as well. She would just have to try again and be a little more low-key next time. She supposed that she came on too strong.
What is he doesn't like me? What if this is all hopeless and he doesn't even want to be my friend? What if I was sent here in the wrong form? Perhaps something more attractive? Less? A different hair color? Buffy thought frantically to herself, experiencing being self-conscious for the first time. If this was what every person went through in these situations then it was no wonder the PtB felt so much frustration and sadness from the people below. Always second-guessing ones self was hard on the self-esteem.
She pondered this mini-revelation that she'd discovered for a few minutes until the doorbell rang and made her jump. She knew what it was but since she'd never actually heard a doorbell it had scared the wits out of her. She waded her way through the boxes to the front door and threw it open, wondering who would be on her doorstep, as Spike was the only one who knew she was here, and he hadn't been all too eager to come see her.
"Uh- hi." She said to the strange man on her doorstep who was holding a dish and rolls, wearing what looked like mittens on his hands.
"Hello, luv. My name is Ethan Rayne. I'm from next door and thought you might enjoy a hot meal, seeing as how this is your first night here. I believe you met my son, William, today," At her confused look he corrected himself. "I think you know him as Spike?"
Buffy stepped out onto the porch and smiled. "Yes, I did meet him today. I'm Buffy Summers. He was nice enough to walk me home when I was lost. Sunnydale may not be very big, but it certainly is confusing."
"Yes, I think it's all the cemeteries and churches that makes it look the same everywhere. You'll get the hang of it though," Ethan smiled back at her. "Don't want to intrude on your unpacking but this dish is getting a might bit hot, luv."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Please, come in," She gestured to the open door, ushering him in. "The kitchen is to your right."
"Thanks. I just made a quick chicken dish, hopefully enough for your whole family."
"Oh, it's just me. My family bought the house for me to go to school."
"So you'll be attending Sunnydale U just like my son? Maybe you two could be study buddies or something or the sort." Ethan suggested, raising his eyebrow at the extravagant digs for a university student.
"Oh, I don't want to bother him. I don't think he was very happy today, or maybe I just made a bad impression." Buffy told him
"I'm sure you made a fine impression on him, he's just been going through a difficult time of late. His mother passed on in the past couple weeks," Buffy made a shocked expression, as if she hadn't known as Ethan continued. "He's taken it very hard. Today was his first day out of the house in a week. Maybe because he met you he'll come out of his shell a little."
"I don't know about that. If I can help in any way, I'd be more than happy." Buffy told Ethan as the doorbell rang again, this time not scaring her quite as much. She excused herself and went to answer the door. Who could this be?
"Hi. Is my Da here?" Spike asked as soon as she opened the door.
"Um, hi. Yes he is. Would you like to come in?" Buffy replied, startled at his abrupt arrival and questioning.
"Thanks," Spike said as he stepped through the door. "Sorry for intruding this way."
"You're not. I'm enjoying the company actually." Buffy told him leading him to the kitchen.
"Da, was wonderin' when you might come home?" Spike asked Ethan pointedly.
"I was just having a nice conversation with Buffy. Did you know she's in this big house all by herself? Must be very lonely." He said back at his son just as pointedly.
"You're here alone? Where's your family?" Spike asked, turning to her.
"Back home." Buffy replied, confused at the obvious tension between the two men.
"Where's home that they didn't come here with you?" Spike pressed.
"Um- north. Way up north," Buffy told him, then turned the conversation elsewhere. "I'm sorry if I kept you too long, Mr. Rayne."
"Nonsense. Just doing the neighborly thing. Spike here is too. He could show you around campus, you know." Ethan offered.
"Oh, no. That's fine, really. I can find someone else, I know Spike is busy and I don't want to be an imposition." She covered hastily. This was not going the way she had expected it to. She had wanted to work up to being Spike's friend gradually, gaining his trust. But his father was very headstrong and eager to see Spike move on with his life.
"I could show you around then," Ethan offered. "It's been awhile since I've lived in the town but things haven't changed that much. In fact I could probably take you out tomorrow and show-"
Spike cut his Ethan off, a slow rage starting to burn in his veins. "Actually, I'm not as busy as I thought I was earlier, I'd be more than happy to show you around Buffy." He threw a dangerous look at Ethan who took that as his signal to go home.
"Right then. Buffy, it was very nice to meet you. I'm sure I'll see you around, luv," Ethan started to back out of the kitchen. "Feel free to drop in next door if you need anything."
"Thank you," Buffy called as he left before she could see him to the door. She was so very confused by this display between the two men. She didn't know much about Spike's father, as she hadn't started watching over him until he was eight or nine, living in the house next door with Joyce. She turned to Spike who was standing with his eyes closed. "Um, you don't have to show me around."
"No, it's fine. I'm sorry for being such a prick. Like I said- things are hectic right now for me." All of a sudden he was so tired and all he wanted to do was lay down anywhere, even on her floor, and sleep for days.
"Do- do you maybe want to talk about it?" Buffy asked hesitantly, feeling his resolve weaken. He looked at her, tears in his eyes. "I'm a good listener."
Buffy reached her hand out to lie on his arm but he jerked away, blinking the tears away. "No, that's fine. Thanks. I- I have to go. I'll see you around, ok? You can- I'll… I'll just see you around."
Spike left without giving Buffy time to show him to the door as well, leaving her confused, alone and feeling the agony left behind.
"Oh Spike," Buffy whispered to herself. "How can I help you when you trap yourself in so much pain?"