A/N: So here it is. Finally. I'm not sure how well I like this chapter, it kind of wrote itself into awkward places, I thought. But nevertheless it's done, right? AOI 15 is done, betaed and waiting to go up as well but I am going to give that a few days, maybe a week just so I can get another chap of MLIT cranked out but again, if it takes too long than I will put it up before MLIT 4 is done, no worries! Great thanks to Magz, as always, for putting on her pretty beta hat!
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Spike stumbled down the street, his vision swimming. It was after three. The bar had long since kicked him out and closed but it had taken him a good hour to get off the ground where he had fallen and to figure out where he was going. He still didn't know, as he wandered aimlessly trying to find a place that he knew.
He tripped over a broken piece of sidewalk and lay sprawled out sideways on someone's lawn. He giggled to himself and looked around, everything dark and upside down. He noticed a familiar house a few dwellings down and decided to go there, instead of trying to make his way home and likely killing himself.
He managed to get up without tipping over again and the world gave a lurch. He steadied himself some before he started staggering down the road toward the house that he knew. All the houses were dark at this late hour. I'm the only stupid git out right now, he thought, confused.
He got to the house in one piece and managed to climb the stairs without falling or tripping. He rang the doorbell a couple times before sliding down the wall and sitting on the porch, resting his head on the wall. A few minutes later, he heard some tired grumbling and shuffling inside the house. The porch light came on, causing sensory overload on Spike's addled brain and the door opened.
He squinted up at the groggy-looking face staring back down at him from behind the partially opened screen door. "'Lo."
"Spike?" Xander Harris looked down at his friend and wondered what he was doing sitting outside his house at three in the morning. As Spike struggled to his feet, he swayed toward Xander who smelled the reason why he was here. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."
Xander led Spike inside and shook his head at his girlfriend, Anya Jenkins, who was standing at the bottom of the stairs with her jewelry case in one hand and baseball bat in the other. She had put her robe on inside out and her blonde curls were awry, giving her a demented housewife look. "It's ok, Ahn, you can put the jewels away."
"How was I supposed to know this wasn't going to be some deranged robber looking to take my diamond broach and pearl earrings? We really should get some sort of security device." Anya wrinkled her nose as Spike swayed by her. "Or we could set him up on the porch and anyone downwind of him will run away in fright. Spike? What have you been doing?"
"I went out for a couple drinks. You know- meet up with th' other guys?" Spike hiccupped at her, smiling dumbly. Xander clapped a hand on his back and led him through the living room to the kitchen where he made him sit down at the table as he made some coffee.
"Spike, man, it's three in the morning. You should be at home, in bed… like we were," Xander told him, almost mournfully.
"I can go," Spike told him, moving to get up but he over balanced as he tried to stand and started to pitch head first to the floor. Xander caught him and sat him back in the chair.
"That's fine. You're safer here. Besides, it's nice to know you're ok. Been awhile since I've seen you." Xander sat at the table with him, the coffee forgotten.
"Yeah, it has, hasn't it? A couple weeks, d'wager," Spike thought hard, and hiccupped again. "Yeah, I saw y-you the day before- before… um- the day 'fore she died."
"Yeah, Spike I'm sorry about that. I was at the funeral but I didn't get to speak to you," Xander told him down, looking at his hands. Spike stared at him, his eyes a bit unfocused, and sighed.
"Everyone's sorry. Say whatever they need to t'get it off their chest and they feel better – it's okay. That's how it's been since…. Since. But it's not ok, Xander. It's just not," Spike told him, tiredly. "What am I doing here?"
"You're drunk and you rang my doorbell, Spike," Xander reminded him gently. Spike shook his head.
"No, what am I doing here- in this town, at my house, in my life? Do I deserve it? Is this right at all? I just seem to be pissing my life away. S'not fair," Spike told him.
"You're not pissing your life away, Spike. Quite the opposite. And you're here because it's what's supposed to be. I can't tell you anything else. I don't know the meaning of life and I can't tell you who lives and who dies and why. You deserve life, Spike," Xander responded, a bit worried about his condition but mentally and physically. The few times he'd called his friend to see how he was his father told him that he was out or sleeping and from the looks of him right now he saw what he'd been doing while he was out.
"Xander, I'm so tired. I sleep and I see her," he admitted in a whisper. "I see her and feel her and smell her and it's so real. I just want her to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be okay."
"I'm sorry Spike. I don't know what else to tell you. Joyce was like a mom to me too. I know I'm not going through any of what you are, but I feel some of your pain. But I'm not sure how to make it go away." Xander felt helpless to stop the hurt Spike was feeling. He was happy that he had come to see him, despite the late hour, but at the same time, he didn't know what to do or say which made him uncomfortable.
"Got any scotch?" Spike asked, struggling to stand up again. Xander got up to help him to the living room.
"I think you're cut off for the night. How much did you drink tonight already?"
"I don't know. D'have to check my tab," Spike leaned against Xander heavily before the other man deposited him on the couch.
"You have a tab run up somewhere? You've been going to Willie's haven't you?" Xander groaned. That was the bar that they frequented the most, and therefore the one that would lend credit to Spike for liquor on which he shouldn't have been wasting his money.
"All the time," Spike smiled, proudly. "Willie's a really nice guy. Letting me drink there all the time. You like Willie?"
"Yeah, he's a stand up guy." Xander muttered as he pulled Spike's boots off. This wasn't the first time he'd had to do this for his friend, and it wouldn't be the last but this was the most worried that he'd ever been for Spike. He'd never been quite this drunk- or upset. "You're going to stay here for the night and I'll drive you home in the morning, ok? Is your car at Willie's?"
Spike slumped back on the couch, pulling the throw from the back over him as his eyes started to drift closed immediately. "Nah, I walked from B-betty's… no… Bunny's….um.. someone's house."
"You didn't meet a random girl tonight did you?" Xander groaned again.
"No, someone I didn't like my da hitting on. She was … she's an angel. She was all… pretty and…. shiny," Spike passed out fully then, leaving Xander to watch over his friend and wish he could take his pain away.
Spike opened one eye quickly before shutting it and pulling the throw over his head. The sun was pouring into the living room, falling right on him and making his head pound.
He stumbled from the couch and stood for a moment, gaining his bearings and forcing the nausea down so he wouldn't have to make a dash to the bathroom. Once he had himself under control he staggered to the kitchen where Anya was making coffee and Xander was cooking bacon and eggs for breakfast. Spike's stomach turned as he looked at the food so he made a beeline for the coffee and gratefully accepted the cup that Anya handed him.
"Thanks, luv." He sat down at the table and held his head in his hands. "I'm really sorry for showing up here like that last night. I don't remember much of it."
"That's ok, Spike. The fear of being robbed was a nice practice run for the occasion that I might have to get my valuables out of the house in the real-life scenario. So thanks for that!" Anya told him brightly, sitting down at the table. Xander soon followed with food, which made Spike groan and cover his face.
"Spike, I don't want to sound all preachy or anything but I'm worried about you," Xander started. Spike sighed and moved his hands from his face. "I don't know what you're going through but I want to help, you know? I saw you last night and it wasn't pretty."
"I'm- I'm trying. Okay?" Spike told him defensively. "I just need to figure some stuff out."
"You won't find it at the bottom of a bottle," Xander told him quietly. Spike pushed back from the table and stood up, taking his coffee with him.
"I'll be in the living room."
Xander shook his head after he left and turned to Anya. "I don't know what to do. I'm watching my best friend waste away."
"You can't force him to live his life. He has to figure that out for himself. We humans are a funny breed that way," Anya told him, before she leaned over and kissed him.
An hour later Xander was driving Spike back to his house without another word spoken about his drinking. They made small talk, avoiding any topic that would bring up anything about his mother for Spike.
Xander was relieved when he got Spike to agree to a night out with him and Anya and their other close friend Willow. Spike admitted that he needed to get out and see his friends again, join the real world. While Xander was still worried about Spike and his drinking, he didn't push the matter further.
Spike stumbled out of the car when they arrived at 1630 Revello, still under the effects of the alcohol somewhat. Xander got out as well, making sure he didn't need and help and watching as Spike cursed at himself and walked around the car.
"Thanks again, man. I'm really sorry for showing up like that last night," Spike told him again, squinting from the bright sun.
"If you can't crash with me, who can you go to?" Xander told him, brushing it off.
"I'll try not to come callin' at… at…" Spike trailed off, watching something behind Xander. He turned to see what Spike was watching and his gaze fell on a petite blonde walking out of her house and down her driveway. He swung back to Spike and noticed he was still watching her intently.
"So that's her?" Xander asked. Spike glanced at Xander.
"What?" He asked, his eyes darting back to Buffy.
"Last night- you were babbling on about some angel dressed in white. Is that her?"
"Yeah," Spike told him, unable to look away. She drew him to her without him knowing why or how.
Buffy walked to the end of her drive to the mailbox and looked up to see the two men staring at her. She glanced around to see what they were looking at before realizing they were watching her. She raised a hand to wave at Spike and gave him a small smile before walking back up her driveway and disappearing into her house.
Spike raised his hand jerkily after she'd turned away and gave a belated wave. Xander grinned and smacked him lightly on the back. Spike snapped out of his stupor and turned to glare at him.
"She's new," Xander commented, raising his eyebrows and following Spike who shrugged and started for the house. They sat down on the front steps together as Spike pulled out a cigarette from his coat pocket and lit it up.
"Who is she?" Xander pressed. Spike sighed as he exhaled through his nose.
"Just moved in from… the north, she said. Named Buffy, got lost near the cemetery yesterday. So I walked her home, seeing as how we're neighbors. I've known the chit for less than a day." Spike shook his head.
"And you're entranced by her already?" Xander went on. Spike glared at him.
"I'm bloody well not! I don't even know her," Xander laughed.
"Right. That's why she was in your drunken ramblings last night and almost made you fall over from mere exposure today?" Spike grumbled and sucked hard on his cigarette. Xander dropped his joking tone and dared to enter Spike's sphere of unspeakable things for the moment. "It's alright to like her, to want to get to know you. You know that, right? I know you're still … having trouble with things but part of dealing with everything is moving on. I don't want to overstep here, but it's inevitable that you have to start living again."
Spike nodded and ducked his head. "I'm screwing up here, Xander. I don't know any other way to get through it. I feel- I feel like I'm leaving her behind, betraying her."
"I think that's normal, you know? You were really close to your mom. And now she's not here to be with you when you go through stuff and it's going to be weird. But we do it anyway. I'm not saying jump into everything feet first and join in with whatever you can to replace her, but I'm worried about you. Willie's is not going to be there for you when you hit rock bottom, Spike." Xander told him trying to be as nice and honest at the same time. Spike nodded again and stubbed his cigarette out.
"Everything in my head is either numb or screaming. I like numb. I don't have to feel the pain or hear the screaming. And when it screams I make it numb. I know it's not healthy but it's all I know right now," Spike explained feeling guilty.
"Not to sound crass here or make you feel worse, but is this how Joyce would want you to remember him? By drowning everything about her bad and good in booze? It's something to think over," Xander told him. Spike hung his head further and closed his eyes; one more thing added to his 'work-through' pile.
"I get it, I do. I just need some time. I think anyway," Spike told him, standing up. He was ready to go to bed and knew that Xander likely had a busy day planned with Anya. "Again, sorry for crashing on you last night. You're a pal."
Xander stood too and hesitated but then pulled Spike in for a hug. "Anytime, man. I'm here for you. Willow too. You should give her a call, she's worried about you." Spike nodded. "And then we'll get together and do the group thing. Bring someone, don't bring someone- it's up to you."
Spike rolled his eyes and turned to go in the house. Xander's voice made him turn back. "This could be Anya's superstitious crap rubbing off on me but maybe there is something about her. Seems kinda convenient that she moved in right now, of all times. She's… different." With that, he walked back to his car and drove away, Spike watching the whole time. He stood on his porch, thinking and regretting his actions the night before. He glanced over at Buffy's house, wondering if there was any truth to what Xander said. He shook his head and walked inside.
HR> Buffy sat in her living room and stared. She had found that if she looked at the same spot on the wall for as long as possible it looked like other things in the room were moving. In other words, she was bored.
She had been wracking her brain on things that she could talk to Spike about, to go visit his house over. So far, she'd come up with nothing plausible enough to generate a healing conversation with him. She had no idea what she was going to say to him today, when she approached him. In her head, everything seemed too dumb or insipid to ask him about. This was another bit of the human insecurity coming through in her, she noticed.
She stood and paced, watching nightfall. She decided she would figure out how the television worked and what was so captivating by it tonight. She had all the amenities of other humans but had yet to understand why they were so enamored of their possessions. Living as a human was boring. She was already tired of her existence as a mortal and she hadn't gotten anywhere with her mission.
As she walked around the house, bored, the doorbell rang. Surprised, she walked to the door and opened it. Even more surprising was that Spike was on the other side. Unlike the previous night, however, he looked softer tonight, not as angry or hurried.
Spike had found herself on Buffy's doorstep and ringing her bell without realizing what he was doing. He had been thinking back on what Xander had said earlier in the day ever since he left- about how his mom would be upset he was ruling his life with the bottle and about how it was weird that Buffy had shown up right around the time that he had lost someone and everything had changed so drastically. He needed to know more about her, about her life and why she was here to settle his curiosity.
"Um, hi, Buffy," Spike started quietly. "I came over to apologize for my behavior last night and to set up a time for when you would like me to show you around. I'm not usually so rude."
Buffy nodded and smiled at him, happy that he'd taken the first step between them. She opened the door wider and he stepped inside nervously. Spike looked around quickly, taking in how much she'd completed since he'd been here the previous night, and wished he knew what to say. Beside him, Buffy thought much the same, her mind racing to think of something to ask or tell him.
"So, um… nice place," Spike told her lamely. Buffy nodded and rocked on her heels. Finally, she gave a frustrated sigh and turned to him.
"Look, I'm new and I need someone to show me around. Your dad told me last night that you're going through some hard times because your mother passed away and I'm very sorry for that. It seems like you were pushed into helping me and I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to," She blurted out and kicked herself mentally for possibly throwing away the only way she might be able to get to know him.
Spike shook his head. "I was an ass last night is all. I'm… having a rough go of it right now and get in bad moods. It's nothing against you, really. And I do want to show you around. I have this inexplicable urge to get to know you better." Buffy smiled at him, delighted.
Yes! She thought to herself. The faster I can get close to him the faster I can get out of this boring life and back home. I thought this was going to be more fun than this.
"That's very nice of you. I'm glad someone can help me. I'm scared to go anywhere for fear of getting lost!" Buffy laughed and Spike smiled slightly. He watched her as she shifted from foot to foot, unsure of what to do. She was gracefully uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what it was about her but it didn't seem like she was herself with him. They were strangers, granted, but he had the feeling he could pick the surface and find someone incredibly beautiful and confident.
Buffy cringed internally, wondering what he was looking at. She felt awkward and out of place under such scrutiny. As Spike continued to watch her, she tugged at her shirt, feeling inadequate with her appearance and wondered what he was looking at. This is so weird! her mind screamed, unable to tell her what to do. What's he looking at?
Spike shuffled his feet and clicked his teeth, trying to keep his eyes anywhere but on her so as not to freak her out but he wasn't succeeding. Now that he was able to take her in, he could see that she was quite beautiful. She was a far cry from the girls that he usually dated but there was still something about her that he wanted to find in her that he couldn't put his finger on.
Spike cleared his throat and studied his fingers while Buffy picked at her clothes, looking for invisible lint. Neither attempted to break the awkward silence that had taken over the room.
Is Spike coming back to the real world? Find out in Part 4.
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