Crossover: "Phantasm" Meets "Police Academy" Chapter 2
a.k.a. Don't Ever Touch My Balls Without Asking.BOOYY!
That night, all the officers who were assigned to the Morningside murders investigation gathered at the precinct, where Jessica worked part- time outside of the police station she was regularly assigned to. The group had gathered inside of her office.
"I don't see what the big deal is," Sergeant Douglas Fackler said before the officers were briefed on the situation. "I mean, shouldn't we allow the Morningside police department to handle this? The town's out of our jurisdiction."
"The Morningside police were never informed of the incidents," Captain Deborah Callahan answered coolly. "No proof was ever found to even suspect the Tall Man character. To everyone in that town, he's just the guy who runs the local funeral home." She removed her sunglasses and looked at Fackler, annoyed.
"Sergeant Fackler, tell me, does your intelligence quotient drop only when you're on a case, or are you always like this?" He simply put up his hands defensively and turned away from Callahan without a word.
"Oh, and see to it that you're careful tonight," Jessica said, pointing at the usually clumsy sergeant. "We don't need any slip-ups from you, especially. It's crucial that we get the job done and close the case." Fackler nodded, sighing inwardly.
"Oh, my gosh! I just hope that none of us gets hurt," Sergeant Laverne Hooks frantically murmured in her barely-audible voice.
"You'll be staying behind to help Mike and Reggie with whatever they need," Eugene replied. "Jessica and I'll be taking on this 'Tall Man'. We will, however, call you in for backup, if necessary."
"Aw, no fair!" whined Fackler. "You mean we don't get in on this?" The two officers sighed, knowing there was no way they could win this battle, especially if their colleagues wanted a piece of the action.
"Alright, fine. You guys can help us out, too, but don't do anything that could get yourselves, or us, killed," warned Jessica. "The Tall Man is extremely dangerous and could go after any one of us." Sergeant Moses Hightower, normally quiet and reserved, stepped forward and pounded his fist into the palm of his other hand.
"Bring on this 'Tall Man'," he growled. "We'll just see who's more dangerous." Eugene and Jessica looked at each other.
"Well, at least we have someone on our side who can match up to the guy in terms of height and physical build," Sergeant Tackleberry said, trying to make the situation a little more optimistic. His wife nodded, then they turned to face the others. "Okay, roll call! Listen up!" Eugene began to read off names of the officers assigned to the case with him and Jess.
"Callahan!" "Here!"
"Fackler!" "Present!"
"Hightower!" "Yo!" Eugene Tackleberry looked up from the list and raised an eyebrow at his gigantic fellow officer, then cleared his throat and continued on.
"Hooks!" "Here." Hooks' light, whispery voice was barely audible. Eugene called her name again.
"Hooks! Are you here?" "I said I'm here." She was only slightly louder this time. Tackleberry tried one more time, and Hooks was getting more annoyed with herself that she could not be heard.
"Last call, Hooks!" "I'M HERE, BOY!!" the diminutive black female shrieked, the loudness of her voice reaching almost an ear-splitting level. All the other officers present winced.
"Uh, thank you, Hooks," Eugene said, holding his ear. "Now, where was I.oh, yeah. Jones!" There came an eerie sound from somewhere in the back, and Sergeant Larvell Jones slowly rose up, standing on a chair to make himself appear taller. His face was contorted into a sinister scowl. Suddenly, everyone froze, waiting for him to say something, though fearful of what might come out of his mouth. Jones turned to scowl down at Eugene.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!" Jessica's eyes grew wide, and as the shorter black male officer-who had the ability to imitate sound effects with his mouth-threw himself down on Sergeant Tackleberry, the lieutenant tackled him out of the way so that Jones nearly landed on her. He got to his feet, cracking up hysterically. Jessica and Eugene managed to roll over onto their sides to glare up at him.
"Nice one, Jones," Lieutenant Tackleberry spat sarcastically. "Remind me to have you try the Tall Man act on that kid Mike when we get to Morningside!" Her voice jumped up several notches in volume on the last few words.
"Well, at least we know you're present and accounted for," Eugene groused as he slowly stood up, checking under his nose every few seconds for any blood that may have begun trickling out when Jess sacked him to the floor. He helped her get back up and both straightened themselves out. "Now sit down until I finish here." Jones obediently backed up and planted himself in a chair.
"Okay, okay! I'm sorry. I was just trying to make light of the circumstances we're facing," he protested.
"Save the horseplay for later," the tall motorcycle officer said. "Right now, we've got to keep clear heads and think positive but realistic." He picked up the clipboard again.
"Mahoney!" No response. Eugene craned his neck to see if his smart- alecky friend was around at all. "Mahoney, if you're here, give an affirmative!" As if on cue, the office door burst open and a dark-haired man, about five foot six, stumbled inside.
"Does Mahoney running in late count?" Jessica quipped.
"Care to give an explanation as to why you're not here on time, mister?" Eugene demanded.
"Sorry for the tardiness," Sergeant Carey Mahoney answered. "There was a huge 20-car-pileup and some llamas escaped from a circus. It was a disaster area. Took me about an hour using the back roads." Both Tackleberries lifted an eyebrow skeptically.
"Aw, come on, guys! Lighten up a little, huh?" protested Mahoney. Everyone there knew him all too well; he was one to make up stories, being the wise-ass of the crew.
"Well.we'll forgive you anyway. I mean, you're our friend. Besides, it's hard to stay mad at you," Jessica finally said, a half-smile managing to sneak onto her face. "Now find a seat. We're finishing roll call, then briefing all of you on the case at hand." Carey found a chair and sat himself down.
"Sweetchuck!" "Here!" The timid man with the thick-rimmed spectacles tried to make himself sound as loud as possible.
"Zed!" "Ehhhhhheer!" The "wild man" of the group jumped up and waved his arms, hoping he would be noticed.
"You can put your arms down, Zed," said Jessica. "We know you're here."
"And both Tackleberries are here," Eugene concluded. "Jessica, will you do the honors?"
"Okay, everyone. Here's how it's going down," Jessica began in an authoritative voice. "We've been assigned to a small town, located up north of here in Oregon, called Morningside. There's a young teenage boy named Mike Pearson who needs our help, desperately. Apparently, he's being pursued by a character who goes by the title of the 'Tall Man'. Now, this guy, according to the story we've received, originated from Mike's nightmares, in a place called the Red Planet, but now he's taken on reality here on Earth. Over six feet in height, almost spidery, and very sinister- looking, the Tall Man is in the business of death. He runs the mortuary and mausoleum in the town, but there is a secret behind his trade.
"The departed persons he embalms for burial are taken back, crushed to about three feet in height, and filled with this unusual yellow liquid for blood. Be extremely cautious, you don't want to meet one of them any more than the Tall Man himself. They're his minions, the ones who do the dirty work on his home planet." Here she paused for a moment, thinking of what she had to inform them about next, and mentally steadied herself. "Another thing you should know: this 'Lord of the Dead' uses these small, chrome metal spheres in order to have more dead victims on hand to be transformed into the hideous dwarf creatures. One is called a drone sphere; silver chrome, dual cranial impact blades, and a cranial drill that goes into the forehead and drains the blood. The other is a battle sphere; gold chrome, slightly larger in diameter than a drone, with tri-cranial impact blades and two spinning member saws that can cut off appendages. Their wiring systems are very complex, and their exterior body material is super-strong, so there's no way that bullets can destroy them. We need to find something else that can disable or break the spheres completely." The lieutenant began to pale a little, so Hightower rushed over and put an arm around her lest she collapse, then helped her to an empty chair. While he instructed Jessica to bend over and bring her face to her knees in order to settle her roiling stomach, Eugene carried on in her place.
"Take care while we're in Morningside, especially in the funeral home and the mausoleum, although the Tall Man may send out his deadly metallic orbs almost anywhere. We found out from Mike that, should you hear the quiet hum of an approaching sphere, immediately find a hiding place, preferably one where it can't reach you. Last, but certainly not least, never.ever.EVER go anywhere without at least one other officer. If you're alone, you put yourself at greater risk of being picked off." He let everyone know he was finished by clapping his hands together once. "Okay, everyone. End of meeting, grab your gear and go. Let's move!" As the other officers hefted their Metropolitan Police Department duffel bags and backpacks and headed out of the office, the sergeant went over to check on his spouse.
"You feeling better now, Jess?" he asked, squatting down and putting a hand on her shoulder. Her face still buried in her knees, Jessica nodded, then lifted her head and sucked in a deep breath to finally calm herself. Eugene squeezed her shoulder as she stood up from her seat, picked her helmet up off the desk, and together they both walked into the hallway. After locking her office once everyone had gone, she and her husband made their way to the door, but before they could open it, a familiar weasel slithered in and blocked their way.
"Now what do you want?" huffed Jessica, annoyed by Captain Harris' mere presence.
"Why, didn't you hear? I've been put on this special assignment as well," Harris told her in his most sickeningly innocent voice. "Except I will be in charge of this operation, so you'd best do what I say."
"Or what?" Eugene cut in. Thaddeus kept his composure, even though he had a taller, stronger officer staring him down.
"Or else there'll be hell to pay," he said in his most evil voice. "I could have your badges all taken away for disobeying my orders." Harris whipped his baton in Jessica's direction, but instead of meeting her shoulder, she reached around with her other hand and caught it in her gloved grip.
"Especially YOU, missy. When I have you tossed out of the United States Mounted Police Corps, I won't have to tolerate your high-and-mighty attitude any longer." At this, Jessica's expression hardened.
"MY high-and-mighty attitude?!" she growled, flinging the baton out of her hand. She was about to go for the captain's throat, but Eugene stepped in between the two.
"Okay, time to get moving," he said, pushing Jessica out the door, then both mounted their bikes, put their helmets on, and started up their engines. After the two had left on their motorcycles, Harris went out to his car, but found he couldn't start it.
"Where did I put the keys?" he wondered, digging around for the car keys. "Wait.I believe.I gave them to." Suddenly, it all came rushing back to him.
"PROCTOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That night, all the officers who were assigned to the Morningside murders investigation gathered at the precinct, where Jessica worked part- time outside of the police station she was regularly assigned to. The group had gathered inside of her office.
"I don't see what the big deal is," Sergeant Douglas Fackler said before the officers were briefed on the situation. "I mean, shouldn't we allow the Morningside police department to handle this? The town's out of our jurisdiction."
"The Morningside police were never informed of the incidents," Captain Deborah Callahan answered coolly. "No proof was ever found to even suspect the Tall Man character. To everyone in that town, he's just the guy who runs the local funeral home." She removed her sunglasses and looked at Fackler, annoyed.
"Sergeant Fackler, tell me, does your intelligence quotient drop only when you're on a case, or are you always like this?" He simply put up his hands defensively and turned away from Callahan without a word.
"Oh, and see to it that you're careful tonight," Jessica said, pointing at the usually clumsy sergeant. "We don't need any slip-ups from you, especially. It's crucial that we get the job done and close the case." Fackler nodded, sighing inwardly.
"Oh, my gosh! I just hope that none of us gets hurt," Sergeant Laverne Hooks frantically murmured in her barely-audible voice.
"You'll be staying behind to help Mike and Reggie with whatever they need," Eugene replied. "Jessica and I'll be taking on this 'Tall Man'. We will, however, call you in for backup, if necessary."
"Aw, no fair!" whined Fackler. "You mean we don't get in on this?" The two officers sighed, knowing there was no way they could win this battle, especially if their colleagues wanted a piece of the action.
"Alright, fine. You guys can help us out, too, but don't do anything that could get yourselves, or us, killed," warned Jessica. "The Tall Man is extremely dangerous and could go after any one of us." Sergeant Moses Hightower, normally quiet and reserved, stepped forward and pounded his fist into the palm of his other hand.
"Bring on this 'Tall Man'," he growled. "We'll just see who's more dangerous." Eugene and Jessica looked at each other.
"Well, at least we have someone on our side who can match up to the guy in terms of height and physical build," Sergeant Tackleberry said, trying to make the situation a little more optimistic. His wife nodded, then they turned to face the others. "Okay, roll call! Listen up!" Eugene began to read off names of the officers assigned to the case with him and Jess.
"Callahan!" "Here!"
"Fackler!" "Present!"
"Hightower!" "Yo!" Eugene Tackleberry looked up from the list and raised an eyebrow at his gigantic fellow officer, then cleared his throat and continued on.
"Hooks!" "Here." Hooks' light, whispery voice was barely audible. Eugene called her name again.
"Hooks! Are you here?" "I said I'm here." She was only slightly louder this time. Tackleberry tried one more time, and Hooks was getting more annoyed with herself that she could not be heard.
"Last call, Hooks!" "I'M HERE, BOY!!" the diminutive black female shrieked, the loudness of her voice reaching almost an ear-splitting level. All the other officers present winced.
"Uh, thank you, Hooks," Eugene said, holding his ear. "Now, where was I.oh, yeah. Jones!" There came an eerie sound from somewhere in the back, and Sergeant Larvell Jones slowly rose up, standing on a chair to make himself appear taller. His face was contorted into a sinister scowl. Suddenly, everyone froze, waiting for him to say something, though fearful of what might come out of his mouth. Jones turned to scowl down at Eugene.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!" Jessica's eyes grew wide, and as the shorter black male officer-who had the ability to imitate sound effects with his mouth-threw himself down on Sergeant Tackleberry, the lieutenant tackled him out of the way so that Jones nearly landed on her. He got to his feet, cracking up hysterically. Jessica and Eugene managed to roll over onto their sides to glare up at him.
"Nice one, Jones," Lieutenant Tackleberry spat sarcastically. "Remind me to have you try the Tall Man act on that kid Mike when we get to Morningside!" Her voice jumped up several notches in volume on the last few words.
"Well, at least we know you're present and accounted for," Eugene groused as he slowly stood up, checking under his nose every few seconds for any blood that may have begun trickling out when Jess sacked him to the floor. He helped her get back up and both straightened themselves out. "Now sit down until I finish here." Jones obediently backed up and planted himself in a chair.
"Okay, okay! I'm sorry. I was just trying to make light of the circumstances we're facing," he protested.
"Save the horseplay for later," the tall motorcycle officer said. "Right now, we've got to keep clear heads and think positive but realistic." He picked up the clipboard again.
"Mahoney!" No response. Eugene craned his neck to see if his smart- alecky friend was around at all. "Mahoney, if you're here, give an affirmative!" As if on cue, the office door burst open and a dark-haired man, about five foot six, stumbled inside.
"Does Mahoney running in late count?" Jessica quipped.
"Care to give an explanation as to why you're not here on time, mister?" Eugene demanded.
"Sorry for the tardiness," Sergeant Carey Mahoney answered. "There was a huge 20-car-pileup and some llamas escaped from a circus. It was a disaster area. Took me about an hour using the back roads." Both Tackleberries lifted an eyebrow skeptically.
"Aw, come on, guys! Lighten up a little, huh?" protested Mahoney. Everyone there knew him all too well; he was one to make up stories, being the wise-ass of the crew.
"Well.we'll forgive you anyway. I mean, you're our friend. Besides, it's hard to stay mad at you," Jessica finally said, a half-smile managing to sneak onto her face. "Now find a seat. We're finishing roll call, then briefing all of you on the case at hand." Carey found a chair and sat himself down.
"Sweetchuck!" "Here!" The timid man with the thick-rimmed spectacles tried to make himself sound as loud as possible.
"Zed!" "Ehhhhhheer!" The "wild man" of the group jumped up and waved his arms, hoping he would be noticed.
"You can put your arms down, Zed," said Jessica. "We know you're here."
"And both Tackleberries are here," Eugene concluded. "Jessica, will you do the honors?"
"Okay, everyone. Here's how it's going down," Jessica began in an authoritative voice. "We've been assigned to a small town, located up north of here in Oregon, called Morningside. There's a young teenage boy named Mike Pearson who needs our help, desperately. Apparently, he's being pursued by a character who goes by the title of the 'Tall Man'. Now, this guy, according to the story we've received, originated from Mike's nightmares, in a place called the Red Planet, but now he's taken on reality here on Earth. Over six feet in height, almost spidery, and very sinister- looking, the Tall Man is in the business of death. He runs the mortuary and mausoleum in the town, but there is a secret behind his trade.
"The departed persons he embalms for burial are taken back, crushed to about three feet in height, and filled with this unusual yellow liquid for blood. Be extremely cautious, you don't want to meet one of them any more than the Tall Man himself. They're his minions, the ones who do the dirty work on his home planet." Here she paused for a moment, thinking of what she had to inform them about next, and mentally steadied herself. "Another thing you should know: this 'Lord of the Dead' uses these small, chrome metal spheres in order to have more dead victims on hand to be transformed into the hideous dwarf creatures. One is called a drone sphere; silver chrome, dual cranial impact blades, and a cranial drill that goes into the forehead and drains the blood. The other is a battle sphere; gold chrome, slightly larger in diameter than a drone, with tri-cranial impact blades and two spinning member saws that can cut off appendages. Their wiring systems are very complex, and their exterior body material is super-strong, so there's no way that bullets can destroy them. We need to find something else that can disable or break the spheres completely." The lieutenant began to pale a little, so Hightower rushed over and put an arm around her lest she collapse, then helped her to an empty chair. While he instructed Jessica to bend over and bring her face to her knees in order to settle her roiling stomach, Eugene carried on in her place.
"Take care while we're in Morningside, especially in the funeral home and the mausoleum, although the Tall Man may send out his deadly metallic orbs almost anywhere. We found out from Mike that, should you hear the quiet hum of an approaching sphere, immediately find a hiding place, preferably one where it can't reach you. Last, but certainly not least, never.ever.EVER go anywhere without at least one other officer. If you're alone, you put yourself at greater risk of being picked off." He let everyone know he was finished by clapping his hands together once. "Okay, everyone. End of meeting, grab your gear and go. Let's move!" As the other officers hefted their Metropolitan Police Department duffel bags and backpacks and headed out of the office, the sergeant went over to check on his spouse.
"You feeling better now, Jess?" he asked, squatting down and putting a hand on her shoulder. Her face still buried in her knees, Jessica nodded, then lifted her head and sucked in a deep breath to finally calm herself. Eugene squeezed her shoulder as she stood up from her seat, picked her helmet up off the desk, and together they both walked into the hallway. After locking her office once everyone had gone, she and her husband made their way to the door, but before they could open it, a familiar weasel slithered in and blocked their way.
"Now what do you want?" huffed Jessica, annoyed by Captain Harris' mere presence.
"Why, didn't you hear? I've been put on this special assignment as well," Harris told her in his most sickeningly innocent voice. "Except I will be in charge of this operation, so you'd best do what I say."
"Or what?" Eugene cut in. Thaddeus kept his composure, even though he had a taller, stronger officer staring him down.
"Or else there'll be hell to pay," he said in his most evil voice. "I could have your badges all taken away for disobeying my orders." Harris whipped his baton in Jessica's direction, but instead of meeting her shoulder, she reached around with her other hand and caught it in her gloved grip.
"Especially YOU, missy. When I have you tossed out of the United States Mounted Police Corps, I won't have to tolerate your high-and-mighty attitude any longer." At this, Jessica's expression hardened.
"MY high-and-mighty attitude?!" she growled, flinging the baton out of her hand. She was about to go for the captain's throat, but Eugene stepped in between the two.
"Okay, time to get moving," he said, pushing Jessica out the door, then both mounted their bikes, put their helmets on, and started up their engines. After the two had left on their motorcycles, Harris went out to his car, but found he couldn't start it.
"Where did I put the keys?" he wondered, digging around for the car keys. "Wait.I believe.I gave them to." Suddenly, it all came rushing back to him.
"PROCTOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"