Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox,
etc... except of course the ones I make up.
Summary: Spike and Buffy are going to have a baby together!!! I know, I know, it's been done about a million times but I promise that this one is different. Anyway, it also deals with all different types of families that could exist in the Buffyverse.
Spoilers: None really
Continuity: It's the sequel to "Apocalypse now... Again". However, you don't really need to read it to understand this fic. It picks up a few weeks after where "Apocalypse Now... Again" leaves off. Also, I just thought I'd point out that Tara is alive and with Willow, both witches are living with Buffy. Also, Xander and Anya are married.
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FAMILY
Chapter 23: Grieving
The ear-shattering silence was ricocheting off the walls. The house was dead, completely devoid of what might be considered living inhabitants by an outsider. Even within the house, the silence caused the beings inside to question their own lives. Nothing seemed real. Nothing seemed alive. It was a day that would live in infamy... three years ago.
Spike watched from the living room couch as the rain fell angrily on the ground. His vampire hearing could pick up each droplet hitting the mud and cement as if they were bombs falling. It was rare that he was able to look outside during the middle of the day, but it was raining and the sun's fatal rays were blocked. He sighed unnecessarily and shifted his weight uncomfortably.
Tara was broken out of her trance when she heard the vampire's unusually deep breathing. She looked up to see him watching the rainfall. She smiled sadly and imagined how wonderful the rain must be for him because instead of having to hide from the light, for once, the light was hiding from him.
They both sat in complete silence, sure that anything said might shatter the glass of the windows. Tara turned her eyes away from Spike and went back to what she had been doing before: flipping through the muted channels of the television. She knew that nothing interesting was on, and even if there were, she wouldn't be interested. Eventually the buzz of the silenced TV became too loud and she just shut it off.
Spike looked at Tara and attempted to smile but his lips wouldn't budge. He envied Willow who was able to get out of the house at that time. She went over to Harris's to welcome home Nicky. Spike's lips slightly turned up into the hint of a grin as he thought of the baby, so innocent for now, and so trouble free. This child knew not of death or hurt or sadness... not yet.
"This is just awful," Tara finally managed, her voice not as loud or earth- shattering as she expected it would be. In fact, to Spike, it was surprising comforting.
"Yeah," he agreed, his voice just barely above a whisper. "Don't I know it."
Tara smiled weakly. "It's like every year the day happens all over again. It's the same feeling every day of a different year. But that first time, being at the hospital for that, it was just awful."
"I wish I could 'ave been there," Spike said sadly.
"No, I don't think you do. It was quiet like today... but worse. And Buffy and Dawn may not have had their rooms to run and hide in, but they were both completely cut off from... everything. It was," Tara shrugged, "it was awful."
Spike turned his gaze to the stairs and his eyes rested there for a few moments as he thought of the girls upstairs. Buffy had woken up this morning and asked to just be alone pretty much from the start. Spike tried to offer her comfort but her voice was so eerily even when she asked for privacy, how could he refuse?
It was a little more difficult with Dawn who had simply locked herself in her room and barricaded the door. Spike, Tara, and Willow could hear a lot of crying from everywhere in the house, mostly Dawn's. When they heard glass smashing in her room all three ran upstairs and tried to get in. But she wouldn't respond to their calls for her nor would she open the door. Spike said he was going to kick it down but Tara said that was probably the worst thing he could do.
"What if she's hurt?" He asked angrily, not with Tara or Dawn, mostly with just his own feeling of helplessness.
"She isn't. You would know if she was."
That's when Willow lost it.
"I can't-" she gasped as tears fell freely from her eyes. "I can't do this. Tara! I can't be in this house anymore. Tara, I just can't be here like this, with them like this."
Tara immediately took Willow into her arms and held onto her tightly. "Shh, baby I know, I know."
Tara kissed Willow's forehead and the redhead mumbled a few more inaudible words before everyone heard very clearly,
"I have to get out of this house."
Tara nodded in agreement. "Well, I'm sure Giles wouldn't mind if you went there. Or-or-or Xander's? They brought home Nicky yesterday didn't they?"
"Yeah," Willow agreed, feeling childish and small. "I-I-I'll go see Xander."
Tara smiled sadly and kissed Willow gently on the lips as Willow turned wordlessly and left the house. Spike and Tara stared at each other, exploring the other's eyes and they came to a point of complete understanding. They then escaped to the living room.
"They shouldn't be alone like this," Tara told him. "They should have someone."
Spike nodded in agreement. "I'll take Buffy."
"Yeah. I got Dawn."
They stood in unison and Spike walked so that he stood beside Tara, ready for combat. She put her hand gently on his elbow and he turned his head toward her as she turned her head to look at him. He looked into her bright green eyes as she met his blue ones and she smiled, not sadly, but confidently.
"You're such a good man, Spike. I just wanted you to know."
He grinned weakly as tears formed in his eyes and he didn't feel ashamed at all he let them fall. He leaned in and gave Tara a chaste kiss on the forehead before heading up the stairs. He could hear the witch's feet padding against the carpet as she climbed higher and higher, and the sound was more comforting than she could ever know.
Tara stood at Dawn's door as she watched Spike walk to Buffy's. She noticed, not for the first time, how catlike his movements are. She sighed for him because no matter how much he tried to shed his predatory aura, as she knew he did, it would never go. He would always be a vampire.
Spike smiled and nodded at the young witch as he mouthed, 'one, two...'
On three, Spike disappeared through the door of his bedroom as Tara rapped her knuckles lightly against Dawn's door. She waited for a few moments, but there was no response and she began to get worried.
"Dawnie?"
Tara waited another few endless, torturous moments and she began to wonder if Dawn indeed was hurt. Her fears were put to rest when she heard the click of the door unlocking. She waited another few moments before entering, she knew it would be bad to be over-intrusive. Dawn needed her space, and Tara completely understood. She wanted to do everything she could to give Dawn what she needed, without letting her think that she was alone.
The blonde witch turned the knob carefully and entered the room. She immediately checked for what would have made the crashing noise before, but saw nothing. No broken glass lying on the floor. Tara then moved her eyes to Dawn who was sitting on her bed. Her eyes were red and puffy, obviously from crying. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and her long arms were wrapped around them. Her knuckles were white from her hands being balled so tightly into fists, and Tara quickly noticed that Dawn was clenching something tightly in her left hand.
"Dawn?" Tara called to her as she stepped cautiously forward.
Dawn looked up and her face made no change in expression. She merely blinked a few unshed tears from her eyes as she tried to move her hand inconspicuously from her legs.
"Dawn?" Tara asked, "Dawn, what are you holding?"
Dawn's cheeks flushed even brighter pink then they already were. She looked at her tight fist and shrugged.
"Nothing," she insisted, her voice hoarse from crying. "It's nothing."
Tara walked briskly up to the teen who was still trying to hide her hand. "Dawn," Tara stated her name firmly, "what are you holding?"
Dawn relented and held out her palm. With a slight gasp of pain she unfolded her fingers she showed that what they had been grasping so tightly was a bunch of blood covered tissues. Tara sigh heavily as she carefully pulled the tissues from Dawn's hand, and what was revealed was a cut that went across the length of her palm.
"Oh Dawn..."
"It's nothing," she insisted again, half-angrily half-horrified, "it's just blood. It's always just blood."
Tara sighed sympathetically and busied herself with getting together the materials to bandage the younger Slayer's hand. She ran quickly to and from the bathroom to get gauze, bacitracin, and adhesive first-aid tape. When she returned, she saw Dawn holding her palm out and staring at it intently.
"It'll be gone in hours, like poof, without a trace. It'll be as if it were never there. I'm the Slayer, right? I'm so strong. A little cut here and there, bruises, battery, but I don't feel a thing. I can't feel anything..."
"Dawn, stop it," Tara commander her gently. "Just stay still for a minute."
Dawn nodded in agreement and held out her palm to Tara. The witch cleaned it off with barely so much as a wince from Dawn, who seemed completely numb to what must have been at least somewhat painful. She squeezed on the bacitracin and for a final touch taped on the first-aid gauze.
"There, good as new. But Dawn, what happened? How did you cut yourself."
"I- I threw the mug, th-that I use to keep pencils in. It smashed against the door and broke. I w-went to pick them up and I cut my hand on one of the shards. It was stupid. I just wasn't being careful."
"S-so, you uh, didn't do this to yourself, right?"
Dawn expression turned from grief to anger. "How can you even ask me that? Like I'm some sort of suicidal freak? I wouldn't do that."
"I just have to make sure, Dawn. If you were hurting yourself I needed to know. It's my job to know what's going on with you."
"Oh right," she laughed sardonically, "it's always everyone's job to take care of little Dawnie. Can't take care of herself of course. I mean, after being a big ball of apocalyptic energy, even when she's the slayer we all gotta keep an eye on her! Because it's not like she can take care of her little baby self."
"You know for a fact that's not it at all. I just care about you, and as parental-type it is my responsibility to take care of you and make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You cut yourself once before, I have to make sure it's not going to happen again."
Dawn was silenced by Tara's last words. How could she possible respond to that one? It was a low blow, but it was what it took to make Dawn stop fighting back in a battle she couldn't, and probably shouldn't win.
"I..." Dawn hated saying this, "I'm sorry, okay. I just-"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Tara said soothingly as she sat next to Dawn and took her uninjured hand. "You don't ever have to explain yourself to me. I love you, Dawnie, and I will always, always , always be here for you, for whatever you need from me."
Dawn began to cry as she leaned onto Tara's chest. Salty rivers of tears slipped down her flushed cheeks and onto the witch's lap.
"I dreamed of her last night."
Tara understood immediately. "Of your mom."
Dawn nodded. "Yes. But this one, it was so different. It was... I'm still convincing myself that it didn't happen that way."
"What didn't? Do you want to tell me about it?"
Dawn sat up without releasing Tara's hand. "I- I was on the tower. From the night with... with Glory and Buffy... and Spike came up, and he got thrown like before and I watched him fall. And then I got cut, and I felt it, I felt it like it was happening again even though I told myself it couldn't. The blood fell and I could feel the energy crackling beneath me. And then, this time, Mom came for me. She pushed Doc off the tower, picked up the knife that he had dropped and cut me loose. I turned and saw the portal opening, but Mom, she couldn't see 'cause her back was to it. I told her it had to end and she said she knew. Then..." Dawn stopped and took a deep breath as more painful tears fell from her eyes, "I took the knife from Mom's hand and stabbed her. I remember the feeling, it was like cutting butter. When she looked up at me, she looked just as she did when... when I saw her in the morgue. I smiled... and laughed... and pushed her into the portal."
Tara could feel tears falling from her own eyes as she wrapped her arms around Dawn. She could feel the ache of the young teen's heart pumping in her own veins. She squeezed Dawn as tightly as she could, and she felt the girl shake in her arms from the violence of her sobs.
"Tell me... Tara..." Dawn struggled for breath, "did I kill my mother?"
"No!" She insisted in instant protest as forcefully as you could. "Dawn, what happened, it was not your fault. Do you understand? That... it was just the way things happened, Dawnie. But it WAS NOT your fault."
"Then why?" She begged as he fists clenched tighter to the cloth of Tara's shirt, "why do I feel like this?"
"Like what, Dawnie?"
"Like death was really my gift."
"Oh Sweetie," Tara sighed heavily as she put a gently hand up to Dawn's flushed cheek, "because you're grieving."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Spike smiled reassuringly at Tara before turning the doorknob and entering his bedroom. Buffy sat on the middle of the bed completely still. He might have mistaken her for a statue if her eyes didn't follow him steadily as he walked to the bed and sat beside her. He smiled, as warmly as he could and merely sat with her in silence. If she needed more than that, he knew she would let him know.
After a few long minutes of silence, she spoke to him. "Spike?"
"Yeah, love?"
"I asked for you to leave me alone."
"Oh," he said, a little hurt, "I'll go if you want."
"No," she said, he eyes glistening with unshed tears as she finally looked up at him, "thank you for coming anyway."
"Of course, pet. I mean, what makes you think that I would listen to you now when you told me to go away. I never listened before."
"Right," she nodded as she leaned into his chest, "what was I thinking?"
Spike lay back and allowed Buffy to make herself comfortable on him. He kissed the top of her head tenderly and took in the scent of her. He would never get tired of holding her so close. The scent of her surrounding him, her warm, even breath like fire on his skin. He loved nothing more than to be holding her when she needed him to hold her, or even when she didn't.
"I told myself it would be just another day. I told myself that it's just a day in a week in month in a year, but it's not. No matter what I tell myself it's still the same. The same feeling of death, and pain, and guilt. That same awful feeling like if I'm not careful, I'll see it all over again."
"It won't. It can't."
"But then..." Buffy began to weep steadily into his chest, "but then she's really gone."
"I know, Buffy. I..."
"I try to think she's not. I try to pretend like just a trick of the mind because I miss her so much. And now it's true that she's gone because I'm naming our daughter after her and she can't be gone because I need her to be here. I want her to see her granddaughter. I want her to see how happy I am, how happy I finally am... with you. And that'll never happen, Spike. And that'll never happen because she's really, really gone."
Spike was at a loss for words. What could he possibly say to make this any better. He could hold her all he liked or she liked but that wouldn't bring Joyce back. Nothing ever would. Spike didn't like to think of that fact much either, for after all, he was quite fond of the lady.
"Buffy-" Spike tried to make words come but he was stopped when he could hear the sudden increase of her heartbeat. He put her hand on he chest and could feel the pounding beneath the skin.
"Buffy what's the matter?" Dumb question.
"Tell me she's going to be okay," she gasped.
"Who?"
"Kat. Please, Spike, tell me something soothing. Tell me she's going to be okay. I need to hear you tell me."
Spike adjusted Buffy on the pillow next to him and sat up. He looked at her with bright eyes and smiled. "All right."
He sat on his knees beside her and pulled up her shirt so that her swollen belly was fully exposed. The licked his lips and placed his ear right above her bellybutton. His head rested there for a while before Buffy couldn't stand it any longer.
"What? What is it?"
"Do you have any idea what I'm listening to right now."
Buffy furrowed her brow and shook her head once.
Spike smiled slyly at her. "I am listened to the perfectly normal, perfectly healthy heartbeat of a seven month old fetus. I hear it loud, and steady, and strong. Oh God, Buffy, if you could hear what I am hearing now... you would be completely worry-free."
Buffy started to cry again as she grabbed the side of Spike's face and pulled his lips onto hers. She kissed him lovingly and passionately. It was passion that she had never felt before for anyone. And she knew why. It was because her love for him was different than the love she had ever felt for anyone else before in her life.
As she pulled her lips slowly away from his, she opened her eyes and noticed the scar on his left eyebrow in a way she never had before. She ran her thumb over it smoothing and Spike swam in the feeling of her gentle touch.
"The Chinese Slayer, from the... from the Boxer Rebellion, she- she gave you this. And the other, the one from New York, she gave you that," Buffy nodded in the direction of the duster which had been lazily thrown on a chair in their bedroom. "Tell me, what have I given you? Wh-what has Dawn given you?"
Spike grinned widely and placed his hand on Buffy's still exposed belly as he moved his lips beside her ear.
"Everything."
TBC...
Summary: Spike and Buffy are going to have a baby together!!! I know, I know, it's been done about a million times but I promise that this one is different. Anyway, it also deals with all different types of families that could exist in the Buffyverse.
Spoilers: None really
Continuity: It's the sequel to "Apocalypse now... Again". However, you don't really need to read it to understand this fic. It picks up a few weeks after where "Apocalypse Now... Again" leaves off. Also, I just thought I'd point out that Tara is alive and with Willow, both witches are living with Buffy. Also, Xander and Anya are married.
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FAMILY
Chapter 23: Grieving
The ear-shattering silence was ricocheting off the walls. The house was dead, completely devoid of what might be considered living inhabitants by an outsider. Even within the house, the silence caused the beings inside to question their own lives. Nothing seemed real. Nothing seemed alive. It was a day that would live in infamy... three years ago.
Spike watched from the living room couch as the rain fell angrily on the ground. His vampire hearing could pick up each droplet hitting the mud and cement as if they were bombs falling. It was rare that he was able to look outside during the middle of the day, but it was raining and the sun's fatal rays were blocked. He sighed unnecessarily and shifted his weight uncomfortably.
Tara was broken out of her trance when she heard the vampire's unusually deep breathing. She looked up to see him watching the rainfall. She smiled sadly and imagined how wonderful the rain must be for him because instead of having to hide from the light, for once, the light was hiding from him.
They both sat in complete silence, sure that anything said might shatter the glass of the windows. Tara turned her eyes away from Spike and went back to what she had been doing before: flipping through the muted channels of the television. She knew that nothing interesting was on, and even if there were, she wouldn't be interested. Eventually the buzz of the silenced TV became too loud and she just shut it off.
Spike looked at Tara and attempted to smile but his lips wouldn't budge. He envied Willow who was able to get out of the house at that time. She went over to Harris's to welcome home Nicky. Spike's lips slightly turned up into the hint of a grin as he thought of the baby, so innocent for now, and so trouble free. This child knew not of death or hurt or sadness... not yet.
"This is just awful," Tara finally managed, her voice not as loud or earth- shattering as she expected it would be. In fact, to Spike, it was surprising comforting.
"Yeah," he agreed, his voice just barely above a whisper. "Don't I know it."
Tara smiled weakly. "It's like every year the day happens all over again. It's the same feeling every day of a different year. But that first time, being at the hospital for that, it was just awful."
"I wish I could 'ave been there," Spike said sadly.
"No, I don't think you do. It was quiet like today... but worse. And Buffy and Dawn may not have had their rooms to run and hide in, but they were both completely cut off from... everything. It was," Tara shrugged, "it was awful."
Spike turned his gaze to the stairs and his eyes rested there for a few moments as he thought of the girls upstairs. Buffy had woken up this morning and asked to just be alone pretty much from the start. Spike tried to offer her comfort but her voice was so eerily even when she asked for privacy, how could he refuse?
It was a little more difficult with Dawn who had simply locked herself in her room and barricaded the door. Spike, Tara, and Willow could hear a lot of crying from everywhere in the house, mostly Dawn's. When they heard glass smashing in her room all three ran upstairs and tried to get in. But she wouldn't respond to their calls for her nor would she open the door. Spike said he was going to kick it down but Tara said that was probably the worst thing he could do.
"What if she's hurt?" He asked angrily, not with Tara or Dawn, mostly with just his own feeling of helplessness.
"She isn't. You would know if she was."
That's when Willow lost it.
"I can't-" she gasped as tears fell freely from her eyes. "I can't do this. Tara! I can't be in this house anymore. Tara, I just can't be here like this, with them like this."
Tara immediately took Willow into her arms and held onto her tightly. "Shh, baby I know, I know."
Tara kissed Willow's forehead and the redhead mumbled a few more inaudible words before everyone heard very clearly,
"I have to get out of this house."
Tara nodded in agreement. "Well, I'm sure Giles wouldn't mind if you went there. Or-or-or Xander's? They brought home Nicky yesterday didn't they?"
"Yeah," Willow agreed, feeling childish and small. "I-I-I'll go see Xander."
Tara smiled sadly and kissed Willow gently on the lips as Willow turned wordlessly and left the house. Spike and Tara stared at each other, exploring the other's eyes and they came to a point of complete understanding. They then escaped to the living room.
"They shouldn't be alone like this," Tara told him. "They should have someone."
Spike nodded in agreement. "I'll take Buffy."
"Yeah. I got Dawn."
They stood in unison and Spike walked so that he stood beside Tara, ready for combat. She put her hand gently on his elbow and he turned his head toward her as she turned her head to look at him. He looked into her bright green eyes as she met his blue ones and she smiled, not sadly, but confidently.
"You're such a good man, Spike. I just wanted you to know."
He grinned weakly as tears formed in his eyes and he didn't feel ashamed at all he let them fall. He leaned in and gave Tara a chaste kiss on the forehead before heading up the stairs. He could hear the witch's feet padding against the carpet as she climbed higher and higher, and the sound was more comforting than she could ever know.
Tara stood at Dawn's door as she watched Spike walk to Buffy's. She noticed, not for the first time, how catlike his movements are. She sighed for him because no matter how much he tried to shed his predatory aura, as she knew he did, it would never go. He would always be a vampire.
Spike smiled and nodded at the young witch as he mouthed, 'one, two...'
On three, Spike disappeared through the door of his bedroom as Tara rapped her knuckles lightly against Dawn's door. She waited for a few moments, but there was no response and she began to get worried.
"Dawnie?"
Tara waited another few endless, torturous moments and she began to wonder if Dawn indeed was hurt. Her fears were put to rest when she heard the click of the door unlocking. She waited another few moments before entering, she knew it would be bad to be over-intrusive. Dawn needed her space, and Tara completely understood. She wanted to do everything she could to give Dawn what she needed, without letting her think that she was alone.
The blonde witch turned the knob carefully and entered the room. She immediately checked for what would have made the crashing noise before, but saw nothing. No broken glass lying on the floor. Tara then moved her eyes to Dawn who was sitting on her bed. Her eyes were red and puffy, obviously from crying. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and her long arms were wrapped around them. Her knuckles were white from her hands being balled so tightly into fists, and Tara quickly noticed that Dawn was clenching something tightly in her left hand.
"Dawn?" Tara called to her as she stepped cautiously forward.
Dawn looked up and her face made no change in expression. She merely blinked a few unshed tears from her eyes as she tried to move her hand inconspicuously from her legs.
"Dawn?" Tara asked, "Dawn, what are you holding?"
Dawn's cheeks flushed even brighter pink then they already were. She looked at her tight fist and shrugged.
"Nothing," she insisted, her voice hoarse from crying. "It's nothing."
Tara walked briskly up to the teen who was still trying to hide her hand. "Dawn," Tara stated her name firmly, "what are you holding?"
Dawn relented and held out her palm. With a slight gasp of pain she unfolded her fingers she showed that what they had been grasping so tightly was a bunch of blood covered tissues. Tara sigh heavily as she carefully pulled the tissues from Dawn's hand, and what was revealed was a cut that went across the length of her palm.
"Oh Dawn..."
"It's nothing," she insisted again, half-angrily half-horrified, "it's just blood. It's always just blood."
Tara sighed sympathetically and busied herself with getting together the materials to bandage the younger Slayer's hand. She ran quickly to and from the bathroom to get gauze, bacitracin, and adhesive first-aid tape. When she returned, she saw Dawn holding her palm out and staring at it intently.
"It'll be gone in hours, like poof, without a trace. It'll be as if it were never there. I'm the Slayer, right? I'm so strong. A little cut here and there, bruises, battery, but I don't feel a thing. I can't feel anything..."
"Dawn, stop it," Tara commander her gently. "Just stay still for a minute."
Dawn nodded in agreement and held out her palm to Tara. The witch cleaned it off with barely so much as a wince from Dawn, who seemed completely numb to what must have been at least somewhat painful. She squeezed on the bacitracin and for a final touch taped on the first-aid gauze.
"There, good as new. But Dawn, what happened? How did you cut yourself."
"I- I threw the mug, th-that I use to keep pencils in. It smashed against the door and broke. I w-went to pick them up and I cut my hand on one of the shards. It was stupid. I just wasn't being careful."
"S-so, you uh, didn't do this to yourself, right?"
Dawn expression turned from grief to anger. "How can you even ask me that? Like I'm some sort of suicidal freak? I wouldn't do that."
"I just have to make sure, Dawn. If you were hurting yourself I needed to know. It's my job to know what's going on with you."
"Oh right," she laughed sardonically, "it's always everyone's job to take care of little Dawnie. Can't take care of herself of course. I mean, after being a big ball of apocalyptic energy, even when she's the slayer we all gotta keep an eye on her! Because it's not like she can take care of her little baby self."
"You know for a fact that's not it at all. I just care about you, and as parental-type it is my responsibility to take care of you and make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You cut yourself once before, I have to make sure it's not going to happen again."
Dawn was silenced by Tara's last words. How could she possible respond to that one? It was a low blow, but it was what it took to make Dawn stop fighting back in a battle she couldn't, and probably shouldn't win.
"I..." Dawn hated saying this, "I'm sorry, okay. I just-"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Tara said soothingly as she sat next to Dawn and took her uninjured hand. "You don't ever have to explain yourself to me. I love you, Dawnie, and I will always, always , always be here for you, for whatever you need from me."
Dawn began to cry as she leaned onto Tara's chest. Salty rivers of tears slipped down her flushed cheeks and onto the witch's lap.
"I dreamed of her last night."
Tara understood immediately. "Of your mom."
Dawn nodded. "Yes. But this one, it was so different. It was... I'm still convincing myself that it didn't happen that way."
"What didn't? Do you want to tell me about it?"
Dawn sat up without releasing Tara's hand. "I- I was on the tower. From the night with... with Glory and Buffy... and Spike came up, and he got thrown like before and I watched him fall. And then I got cut, and I felt it, I felt it like it was happening again even though I told myself it couldn't. The blood fell and I could feel the energy crackling beneath me. And then, this time, Mom came for me. She pushed Doc off the tower, picked up the knife that he had dropped and cut me loose. I turned and saw the portal opening, but Mom, she couldn't see 'cause her back was to it. I told her it had to end and she said she knew. Then..." Dawn stopped and took a deep breath as more painful tears fell from her eyes, "I took the knife from Mom's hand and stabbed her. I remember the feeling, it was like cutting butter. When she looked up at me, she looked just as she did when... when I saw her in the morgue. I smiled... and laughed... and pushed her into the portal."
Tara could feel tears falling from her own eyes as she wrapped her arms around Dawn. She could feel the ache of the young teen's heart pumping in her own veins. She squeezed Dawn as tightly as she could, and she felt the girl shake in her arms from the violence of her sobs.
"Tell me... Tara..." Dawn struggled for breath, "did I kill my mother?"
"No!" She insisted in instant protest as forcefully as you could. "Dawn, what happened, it was not your fault. Do you understand? That... it was just the way things happened, Dawnie. But it WAS NOT your fault."
"Then why?" She begged as he fists clenched tighter to the cloth of Tara's shirt, "why do I feel like this?"
"Like what, Dawnie?"
"Like death was really my gift."
"Oh Sweetie," Tara sighed heavily as she put a gently hand up to Dawn's flushed cheek, "because you're grieving."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Spike smiled reassuringly at Tara before turning the doorknob and entering his bedroom. Buffy sat on the middle of the bed completely still. He might have mistaken her for a statue if her eyes didn't follow him steadily as he walked to the bed and sat beside her. He smiled, as warmly as he could and merely sat with her in silence. If she needed more than that, he knew she would let him know.
After a few long minutes of silence, she spoke to him. "Spike?"
"Yeah, love?"
"I asked for you to leave me alone."
"Oh," he said, a little hurt, "I'll go if you want."
"No," she said, he eyes glistening with unshed tears as she finally looked up at him, "thank you for coming anyway."
"Of course, pet. I mean, what makes you think that I would listen to you now when you told me to go away. I never listened before."
"Right," she nodded as she leaned into his chest, "what was I thinking?"
Spike lay back and allowed Buffy to make herself comfortable on him. He kissed the top of her head tenderly and took in the scent of her. He would never get tired of holding her so close. The scent of her surrounding him, her warm, even breath like fire on his skin. He loved nothing more than to be holding her when she needed him to hold her, or even when she didn't.
"I told myself it would be just another day. I told myself that it's just a day in a week in month in a year, but it's not. No matter what I tell myself it's still the same. The same feeling of death, and pain, and guilt. That same awful feeling like if I'm not careful, I'll see it all over again."
"It won't. It can't."
"But then..." Buffy began to weep steadily into his chest, "but then she's really gone."
"I know, Buffy. I..."
"I try to think she's not. I try to pretend like just a trick of the mind because I miss her so much. And now it's true that she's gone because I'm naming our daughter after her and she can't be gone because I need her to be here. I want her to see her granddaughter. I want her to see how happy I am, how happy I finally am... with you. And that'll never happen, Spike. And that'll never happen because she's really, really gone."
Spike was at a loss for words. What could he possibly say to make this any better. He could hold her all he liked or she liked but that wouldn't bring Joyce back. Nothing ever would. Spike didn't like to think of that fact much either, for after all, he was quite fond of the lady.
"Buffy-" Spike tried to make words come but he was stopped when he could hear the sudden increase of her heartbeat. He put her hand on he chest and could feel the pounding beneath the skin.
"Buffy what's the matter?" Dumb question.
"Tell me she's going to be okay," she gasped.
"Who?"
"Kat. Please, Spike, tell me something soothing. Tell me she's going to be okay. I need to hear you tell me."
Spike adjusted Buffy on the pillow next to him and sat up. He looked at her with bright eyes and smiled. "All right."
He sat on his knees beside her and pulled up her shirt so that her swollen belly was fully exposed. The licked his lips and placed his ear right above her bellybutton. His head rested there for a while before Buffy couldn't stand it any longer.
"What? What is it?"
"Do you have any idea what I'm listening to right now."
Buffy furrowed her brow and shook her head once.
Spike smiled slyly at her. "I am listened to the perfectly normal, perfectly healthy heartbeat of a seven month old fetus. I hear it loud, and steady, and strong. Oh God, Buffy, if you could hear what I am hearing now... you would be completely worry-free."
Buffy started to cry again as she grabbed the side of Spike's face and pulled his lips onto hers. She kissed him lovingly and passionately. It was passion that she had never felt before for anyone. And she knew why. It was because her love for him was different than the love she had ever felt for anyone else before in her life.
As she pulled her lips slowly away from his, she opened her eyes and noticed the scar on his left eyebrow in a way she never had before. She ran her thumb over it smoothing and Spike swam in the feeling of her gentle touch.
"The Chinese Slayer, from the... from the Boxer Rebellion, she- she gave you this. And the other, the one from New York, she gave you that," Buffy nodded in the direction of the duster which had been lazily thrown on a chair in their bedroom. "Tell me, what have I given you? Wh-what has Dawn given you?"
Spike grinned widely and placed his hand on Buffy's still exposed belly as he moved his lips beside her ear.
"Everything."
TBC...