Chapter 12
The thing about gossip is that you know what the truth is, but somewhere along the line that ceases to be comforting. I tried to keep a low profile so that nobody could find anything else to say about me. Granted, not everyone gossiped. Alot of people simply gave me pitying glances, or asked me how I was feeling, or tried to give me hugs. I wanted to scream, Don't look at me! I'm feeling fine! Don't touch me!, but I knew that would only make things worse. I was fine, fine, fine on the outside, but on the inside I was not fine, and I didn't realize that at first.
"I heard he did things to her. You know, bad things."
"Snape walked in on it. That's why he can't look her in the eye anymore."
Keep your head down. Don't look at their faces, whatever you do. Don't let them know that you heard. Don't give them the satisfaction. Don't turn red, don't get angry, don't twitch, don't move, don't feel. You are a stone. You are untouchable.
Franco tried to help. He tried to act like things were still normal between us, but it was no use. Every joke had a bitter note, every laugh that managed to escape my lips was quickly stopped, every smile turned quickly down, and I could tell that Franco was letting his guilt get in the way of our friendship. He was of the "How are you feeling?" lot, and I found myself wanting more and more to get away from him.
It was one of those nights when I left the common room just before curfew. Franco kept staring at me like he thought I might blow up, as if I was a ticking bomb. I had to get out and get some fresh air. I crept through the empty corridors, eerily lit by flickering torches. I could see my shadow move along the ancient stone wall. At least my shadow doesn't talk about me behind my back, I thought. The only people who don't talk about me are my shadow, Franco and... Snape.
Snape! That coward. He knows what people say, even right under his nose in Potions class, and yet he doesn't do a thing about it. Not one thing. He's never stopped anyone from spreading rumors that aren't true. He knows the truth! He was there too! He must enjoy seeing me suffer. It must give him pleasure.
The more I thought, the more wicked my thoughts became. I became very angry with Snape, not really for standing aside and letting people say what they wanted, I knew deep down that that was the only option for him. I was angry with him because he came and rescued me and saved me from Shue. He brought me home. He protected me. He took my hand in his for that brief moment, and then he left me and stopped speaking to me; stopped thinking of me all together.
I'm just some toy that he dropped, and now he's picked me up again and put me back on the shelf. He has no more use for me.
By the time I reached the front door I was fuming and blind with anger. I ran onto the grass and toward the lake. It was freezing outside, and a light rain was falling, the kind of winter rain that sinks into your bones. I found a tree near the water and sat down under it. I folded my knees up toward my chest and rested my chin on them like an Incan mummy.
Maybe I'll freeze and they'll find me this way. They'll have to pry me off of the ground because there will be a layer of ice covering my body. I wonder if I could manage to die with my eyes open...
Oh stop your whining, said the voice. Shut up, you wuss.
I sat there for god knows how long, and soon the cold brisk air began to clear my mind. I knew what I had to do. I got up off of the ground stiffly, and trudged back up to the castle. I threw open the doors, not caring if I was caught by Peeves or Filch's cat or anyone else. I walked quickly and determinedly down the corridor that led the stone steps that led to another corridor that led to the dungeons.
I marched right up to Professor Snape's classroom door, hoping that he was still there or in his office. I knocked loudly three times and shoved the heavy wooden door wide open.
Snape was at his desk correcting some papers. His pen was still in his hand, the tip still resting on the top of a piece of parchment and creating a large ink blot. He looked shocked at stared dumbly at me for a moment
"Miss Cockerham!" He threw down the pen and leapt out of his chair. "You never, NEVER barge in on a Professor's room!"
"I knocked."
"And then you wait for a reply!" He yelled.
"I don't have the time to wait for you." I said through gritted teeth.
"Miss Cockerham, ten points from Ravenclaw--"
"Take as many points as you want," I said briskly. "I don't care. I don't care what you do, as long as you acknowledge me."
"Fine, twenty points then, if you don't care, now get out!"
"Why can't you look at me?"
My words hung in the air like a cloud. Snape froze with his mouth slightly open. His eyes darted back and forth in his sockets. He was thinking, the cogs in his brain were turning. He was trying to come up with something to say, and for once, wasn't succeeding.
"What--"
"You can't look at me. You can't anymore. You never call on me, you never even say my name. I could dance naked in a gigantic cauldron tomorrow in class and you wouldn't care, or notice."
"Please don't," he cringed.
"This is the longest conversation we've had since you brought me back to my aunt's house."
"There is no 'we'. I am your teacher, Miss Cockerham. We do not need to have any conversations of any sort. You are here to learn. I am here to teach you and take points from you when you misbehave." He turned slightly and was about to order me to leave when I said,
"If there is no 'we', then why did you hold my hand?"
Snape turned a sickly color.
"Look me in the eye," I commanded. "And tell me why."
He slowly turned toward me and established eye contact.
"I really do not think we should discuss that. It was a mistake. I was only trying to give you support after your difficult situation. Nothing more."
"Nothing more?" I prodded.
"Miss Cockerham," he said softly, still looking me in the eye. Then he broke the gaze and his tone changed. "Get out." He said and turned away, stalked into his office, and slammed the door.
The thing about gossip is that you know what the truth is, but somewhere along the line that ceases to be comforting. I tried to keep a low profile so that nobody could find anything else to say about me. Granted, not everyone gossiped. Alot of people simply gave me pitying glances, or asked me how I was feeling, or tried to give me hugs. I wanted to scream, Don't look at me! I'm feeling fine! Don't touch me!, but I knew that would only make things worse. I was fine, fine, fine on the outside, but on the inside I was not fine, and I didn't realize that at first.
"I heard he did things to her. You know, bad things."
"Snape walked in on it. That's why he can't look her in the eye anymore."
Keep your head down. Don't look at their faces, whatever you do. Don't let them know that you heard. Don't give them the satisfaction. Don't turn red, don't get angry, don't twitch, don't move, don't feel. You are a stone. You are untouchable.
Franco tried to help. He tried to act like things were still normal between us, but it was no use. Every joke had a bitter note, every laugh that managed to escape my lips was quickly stopped, every smile turned quickly down, and I could tell that Franco was letting his guilt get in the way of our friendship. He was of the "How are you feeling?" lot, and I found myself wanting more and more to get away from him.
It was one of those nights when I left the common room just before curfew. Franco kept staring at me like he thought I might blow up, as if I was a ticking bomb. I had to get out and get some fresh air. I crept through the empty corridors, eerily lit by flickering torches. I could see my shadow move along the ancient stone wall. At least my shadow doesn't talk about me behind my back, I thought. The only people who don't talk about me are my shadow, Franco and... Snape.
Snape! That coward. He knows what people say, even right under his nose in Potions class, and yet he doesn't do a thing about it. Not one thing. He's never stopped anyone from spreading rumors that aren't true. He knows the truth! He was there too! He must enjoy seeing me suffer. It must give him pleasure.
The more I thought, the more wicked my thoughts became. I became very angry with Snape, not really for standing aside and letting people say what they wanted, I knew deep down that that was the only option for him. I was angry with him because he came and rescued me and saved me from Shue. He brought me home. He protected me. He took my hand in his for that brief moment, and then he left me and stopped speaking to me; stopped thinking of me all together.
I'm just some toy that he dropped, and now he's picked me up again and put me back on the shelf. He has no more use for me.
By the time I reached the front door I was fuming and blind with anger. I ran onto the grass and toward the lake. It was freezing outside, and a light rain was falling, the kind of winter rain that sinks into your bones. I found a tree near the water and sat down under it. I folded my knees up toward my chest and rested my chin on them like an Incan mummy.
Maybe I'll freeze and they'll find me this way. They'll have to pry me off of the ground because there will be a layer of ice covering my body. I wonder if I could manage to die with my eyes open...
Oh stop your whining, said the voice. Shut up, you wuss.
I sat there for god knows how long, and soon the cold brisk air began to clear my mind. I knew what I had to do. I got up off of the ground stiffly, and trudged back up to the castle. I threw open the doors, not caring if I was caught by Peeves or Filch's cat or anyone else. I walked quickly and determinedly down the corridor that led the stone steps that led to another corridor that led to the dungeons.
I marched right up to Professor Snape's classroom door, hoping that he was still there or in his office. I knocked loudly three times and shoved the heavy wooden door wide open.
Snape was at his desk correcting some papers. His pen was still in his hand, the tip still resting on the top of a piece of parchment and creating a large ink blot. He looked shocked at stared dumbly at me for a moment
"Miss Cockerham!" He threw down the pen and leapt out of his chair. "You never, NEVER barge in on a Professor's room!"
"I knocked."
"And then you wait for a reply!" He yelled.
"I don't have the time to wait for you." I said through gritted teeth.
"Miss Cockerham, ten points from Ravenclaw--"
"Take as many points as you want," I said briskly. "I don't care. I don't care what you do, as long as you acknowledge me."
"Fine, twenty points then, if you don't care, now get out!"
"Why can't you look at me?"
My words hung in the air like a cloud. Snape froze with his mouth slightly open. His eyes darted back and forth in his sockets. He was thinking, the cogs in his brain were turning. He was trying to come up with something to say, and for once, wasn't succeeding.
"What--"
"You can't look at me. You can't anymore. You never call on me, you never even say my name. I could dance naked in a gigantic cauldron tomorrow in class and you wouldn't care, or notice."
"Please don't," he cringed.
"This is the longest conversation we've had since you brought me back to my aunt's house."
"There is no 'we'. I am your teacher, Miss Cockerham. We do not need to have any conversations of any sort. You are here to learn. I am here to teach you and take points from you when you misbehave." He turned slightly and was about to order me to leave when I said,
"If there is no 'we', then why did you hold my hand?"
Snape turned a sickly color.
"Look me in the eye," I commanded. "And tell me why."
He slowly turned toward me and established eye contact.
"I really do not think we should discuss that. It was a mistake. I was only trying to give you support after your difficult situation. Nothing more."
"Nothing more?" I prodded.
"Miss Cockerham," he said softly, still looking me in the eye. Then he broke the gaze and his tone changed. "Get out." He said and turned away, stalked into his office, and slammed the door.