Chapter 13
After leaving Snape's room I felt no better. I had wanted to resolve things once and for all, but really I had only made things worse. I do not know what I expected from him, but I know what I wanted. I wanted him to tell me he cared for me, as foolish as it may sound, and he had done the complete opposite. What was it that he had said?
It was a mistake… nothing more.
He lies, I told myself. He knows the truth, as well as I do.
Somehow, in my angry haze, I managed to find my way back to the Ravenclaw tower and to my dormitory. I kicked off my shoes and crawled into bed with all of my clothes on but I did not sleep. Instead I stared into my pillow all night, waiting for the sun to rise so I could get up and go down to breakfast before the crowd.
I noticed that Snape was not yet at the teacher's table, and I was glad. I was angry with him, angrier than I had been before, even angrier than I had been when he gave me a 'D' on that paper the year before. That was the paper that started it all, really. Just think. If I hadn't gotten a poor grade on it, I would have never had detention, and no detention means no finding the diary, and no finding the diary… Well, there was no pushing the sand back up the hourglass. I ate my breakfast slowly, swallowing each bite as if it were sandpaper. Not even the pumpkin juice tasted right, and pumpkin juice always tastes just right.
"Meta!" Franco plopped down beside me and I shook off my daydream.
"Oh, hey, Franco," I said, trying to sound cheerful and friendly.
"Where were you last night? I was going to ask you to help me with my Herbology homework."
"I was… around."
"Oh," Franco said and dove into a plate of large, golden pancakes. "Listen, Meta. I'm worried about you, well we all are actually."
"We? Who exactly is 'we'?" I demanded, sensing a lecture.
"All of us, all of Ravenclaw, and some of the Hufflepuffs too. We've noticed that you've changed after, well, you know."
"No, Franco, I don't know." I was beginning to get angry. "Why don't you explain it to me?"
"Meta, it's just that you've been acting so… depressed after, after you got kidnapped," Franco stuttered.
"No I haven't."
"Yes, you have."
"NO, I HAVEN'T!" I jumped up and knocked over my pumpkin juice. The few people in the hall turned to look at me. "I am not depressed. I'm just peachy, thanks!"
"Meta, please!" Franco called after me as I stormed out. "Meta, wait." He grabbed my arm as I walked out the doors into the entrance hall. "I'm just trying to help. I just- I just want you to know that there are people who care about you."
"Oh, yeah?" My voice was sharp and defiant. "Like who?"
"Like me." Franco said quietly and looked down at his shoes. "I like you, Meta. I always have. Except… I like you more and more each day now…" His voice tapered off and he kept his eyes on his laces.
I stood there for a moment, not quite understanding what he was saying, but when it registered, I couldn't be angry with him any more. I didn't know what to say, Franco was my best friend, he always had been, and I thought he always would be. But now, if he cared about me that way, well, it would ruin everything.
"Franco," I began quietly.
"Wait. Don't say anything, okay?" He finally looked at me, and I was surprised to see that his face showed anger. "I knew I couldn't compete with your dear Severus." He said bitterly, and the moment it escaped his lips he regretted it.
"What?" I said, barely moving my lips.
"Never mind. Just never mind. Forget I ever said anything!" He turned to go up the staircase. He stopped halfway up and turned around. Then he called out, "You know, why don't you just forget that we ever met? It might just make things easier for you!"
"Franco!" I yelled, but it was no use. "What has happened to you?" I whispered the back of his head.
Later that day, to my horror, was Double Potions. I sat next to the boy I turned down, and was being instructed by the man who I had been turned down by. I couldn't help but feel miserable for myself. Never before had I wallowed in such self-pity. Never before had I wanted to cry more than I did that day. Franco was silent as death. He didn't look at me once or ask me to help him cut his marrow root. He acted as if I wasn't even there. It was more than I could bear.
Snape, I thought, was doing the same, as usual, but I was wrong. My mind was clouded and I wasn't concentrating as well as I should have been. I vaguely remember that Snape had said this potion was touchy, and the ingredients were very precious, or something like that, but I didn't really care that much. I also didn't notice that Snape was standing right behind me as I poured an entire bottle of Essence of Wood Nymph into my simmering cauldron.
"What," Snape yelled into my ear. "Do you think you are doing?"
"I don't know," I mumbled.
"You stupid girl!" He shouted at my face and grabbed my wrist. "You have just poured every ounce of one of the rarest ingredients in the world into your cauldron!"
"Sorry," I stammered. He was glaring down at me with almost the same look of hatred that he had looked at Shue with as the Dementors led him away, kicking and screaming.
"Sorry, isn't good enough, you miserable, idiotic, careless--"
"SHUT UP!" I screamed, and month's worth of frustration, longing, and humiliation poured out of my eyes. I couldn't see his face any more, nor the faces of the other students, because my vision was blurry from the tears. I knocked over my cauldron with my arm and sent it clattering to the floor. "I don't care about your stupid Essence of Wood Nymph, and I don't care about you!" The room was completely silent except for the sound of Franco next to me, fidgeting nervously. I blinked, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. I didn't want to cry in front of all these people, and especially not in front of Snape, not again, but I couldn't help it. Snape's arm twitched at his side, as if he wanted to hit me. I didn't look at his face.
"One hundred points from Ravenclaw," I heard him say as I was walking out the door.
"I hate you." Was my reply.
After leaving Snape's room I felt no better. I had wanted to resolve things once and for all, but really I had only made things worse. I do not know what I expected from him, but I know what I wanted. I wanted him to tell me he cared for me, as foolish as it may sound, and he had done the complete opposite. What was it that he had said?
It was a mistake… nothing more.
He lies, I told myself. He knows the truth, as well as I do.
Somehow, in my angry haze, I managed to find my way back to the Ravenclaw tower and to my dormitory. I kicked off my shoes and crawled into bed with all of my clothes on but I did not sleep. Instead I stared into my pillow all night, waiting for the sun to rise so I could get up and go down to breakfast before the crowd.
I noticed that Snape was not yet at the teacher's table, and I was glad. I was angry with him, angrier than I had been before, even angrier than I had been when he gave me a 'D' on that paper the year before. That was the paper that started it all, really. Just think. If I hadn't gotten a poor grade on it, I would have never had detention, and no detention means no finding the diary, and no finding the diary… Well, there was no pushing the sand back up the hourglass. I ate my breakfast slowly, swallowing each bite as if it were sandpaper. Not even the pumpkin juice tasted right, and pumpkin juice always tastes just right.
"Meta!" Franco plopped down beside me and I shook off my daydream.
"Oh, hey, Franco," I said, trying to sound cheerful and friendly.
"Where were you last night? I was going to ask you to help me with my Herbology homework."
"I was… around."
"Oh," Franco said and dove into a plate of large, golden pancakes. "Listen, Meta. I'm worried about you, well we all are actually."
"We? Who exactly is 'we'?" I demanded, sensing a lecture.
"All of us, all of Ravenclaw, and some of the Hufflepuffs too. We've noticed that you've changed after, well, you know."
"No, Franco, I don't know." I was beginning to get angry. "Why don't you explain it to me?"
"Meta, it's just that you've been acting so… depressed after, after you got kidnapped," Franco stuttered.
"No I haven't."
"Yes, you have."
"NO, I HAVEN'T!" I jumped up and knocked over my pumpkin juice. The few people in the hall turned to look at me. "I am not depressed. I'm just peachy, thanks!"
"Meta, please!" Franco called after me as I stormed out. "Meta, wait." He grabbed my arm as I walked out the doors into the entrance hall. "I'm just trying to help. I just- I just want you to know that there are people who care about you."
"Oh, yeah?" My voice was sharp and defiant. "Like who?"
"Like me." Franco said quietly and looked down at his shoes. "I like you, Meta. I always have. Except… I like you more and more each day now…" His voice tapered off and he kept his eyes on his laces.
I stood there for a moment, not quite understanding what he was saying, but when it registered, I couldn't be angry with him any more. I didn't know what to say, Franco was my best friend, he always had been, and I thought he always would be. But now, if he cared about me that way, well, it would ruin everything.
"Franco," I began quietly.
"Wait. Don't say anything, okay?" He finally looked at me, and I was surprised to see that his face showed anger. "I knew I couldn't compete with your dear Severus." He said bitterly, and the moment it escaped his lips he regretted it.
"What?" I said, barely moving my lips.
"Never mind. Just never mind. Forget I ever said anything!" He turned to go up the staircase. He stopped halfway up and turned around. Then he called out, "You know, why don't you just forget that we ever met? It might just make things easier for you!"
"Franco!" I yelled, but it was no use. "What has happened to you?" I whispered the back of his head.
Later that day, to my horror, was Double Potions. I sat next to the boy I turned down, and was being instructed by the man who I had been turned down by. I couldn't help but feel miserable for myself. Never before had I wallowed in such self-pity. Never before had I wanted to cry more than I did that day. Franco was silent as death. He didn't look at me once or ask me to help him cut his marrow root. He acted as if I wasn't even there. It was more than I could bear.
Snape, I thought, was doing the same, as usual, but I was wrong. My mind was clouded and I wasn't concentrating as well as I should have been. I vaguely remember that Snape had said this potion was touchy, and the ingredients were very precious, or something like that, but I didn't really care that much. I also didn't notice that Snape was standing right behind me as I poured an entire bottle of Essence of Wood Nymph into my simmering cauldron.
"What," Snape yelled into my ear. "Do you think you are doing?"
"I don't know," I mumbled.
"You stupid girl!" He shouted at my face and grabbed my wrist. "You have just poured every ounce of one of the rarest ingredients in the world into your cauldron!"
"Sorry," I stammered. He was glaring down at me with almost the same look of hatred that he had looked at Shue with as the Dementors led him away, kicking and screaming.
"Sorry, isn't good enough, you miserable, idiotic, careless--"
"SHUT UP!" I screamed, and month's worth of frustration, longing, and humiliation poured out of my eyes. I couldn't see his face any more, nor the faces of the other students, because my vision was blurry from the tears. I knocked over my cauldron with my arm and sent it clattering to the floor. "I don't care about your stupid Essence of Wood Nymph, and I don't care about you!" The room was completely silent except for the sound of Franco next to me, fidgeting nervously. I blinked, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. I didn't want to cry in front of all these people, and especially not in front of Snape, not again, but I couldn't help it. Snape's arm twitched at his side, as if he wanted to hit me. I didn't look at his face.
"One hundred points from Ravenclaw," I heard him say as I was walking out the door.
"I hate you." Was my reply.