Everyone was in the mess tent a few nights later. Henry, Margaret, Frank,
Hawkeye, Trapper, Alex and Klinger were all sitting at a table, and talking
about different things. Hawkeye and Trapper were insulting Frank again,
while Margaret was trying to defend him, as Henry listened, and Klinger was
telling Alex about some of the crazier things he had tried to get out of
the army. Frank, Margaret, Hawkeye and Trapper were getting very loud, so
Klinger stopped for a second and they listened to what they were yelling
about.
'He's a higher rank than you, doesn't that prove he's better at controlling people better?' Margaret said.
'So what? He wouldn't be able to run a daycare!' Hawkeye shouted back.
'Why, you. guys!' Frank said, unable to think of anything to call Hawkeye and Trapper.
'Why don't we settle this tomorrow? The war is slow, and it'll shut you four up. How about Major Burns can put some people through some drills. It'll prove if the Major is good or bad at controlling troops,' Alex said. 'Henry, do we have your permission to do that?'
'Yeah, anything to stop the headache they're hammering into my brain,' Henry said.
'Fine. You can make side bets if you want, but it's mainly to prove Major Burns' skills as a leader,' Alex said before turned back to Klinger. 'You were saying something about a hang glider?'
**~~*~~*~~*~~**
The next morning, Alex was declared judge of the competition. She would be one of the few people under Frank's command when they were drilling, as were Margaret, Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Henry and Klinger. Alex knew that Hawkeye and Trapper were going to make it as difficult for Frank as possible to control them, and she was looking forward to seeing what would happen. As Hawkeye had insulted Frank by claiming he couldn't look after a daycare, he and Trapper were planning to act like little kids. Margaret of course would follow Frank's every order, Henry and Radar were going to act on how well Frank gave the orders, and Klinger was going to act badly as well, Alex had noticed that he and Major Burns didn't get on very well. Alex didn't know if she'd make it harder or easier for the Major, ('Probably harder,' she had thought to herself with an evil grin that morning.) but she knew it'd be interesting, whatever happened. They were standing around an empty field, just lazing about, when Frank finally turned up.
'Atten-shun!' he yelled loudly. 'Line up for inspection!'
'He pinched me!' Hawkeye yelled out.
'Well, he punched me!' Trapper shouted. Alex shot them a look, and the three started laughing quietly.
'The Major said "attention",' Margaret snapped as they lined up.
'Major's pet,' Hawkeye muttered loudly for everyone to hear. Alex was trying to not laugh and stand still at the same time. Suddenly, Klinger appeared from no-where. He was wearing a pink short-sleeved dress, but had ditched his usual high-heels for something lower to the ground.
'You're late, corporal,' Frank said.
'Sorry, ma'am,' Klinger said, saluting before finding a place between Alex and Trapper.
'You're in trouble,' taunted Trapper.
'Love the new dress, Klinger,' Alex said through the side of her mouth.
'I still have the order form, if you want one,' Klinger replied.
'No thanks, pink really isn't my colour,' Alex whispered. 'Looks nice on you, though.'
'No talking in the ranks!' Frank ordered. He began pacing the row. He glared at Radar, who trembled a little when Frank started yelling. 'Why can't I see myself in your shoes, soldier?' he asked.
'Sorry, sir,' Radar said, his voice trembling. He saluted Frank before he moved on to Henry.
'Yell at me, Frank, and you'll be cleaning the latrines,' Henry told Frank. Frank, looking a little worried, moved on to Hawkeye. Hawkeye was busy pretending to pick his nose, as a young child might do.
'Take that out of you nose!' Frank ordered.
'I don't wanna,' Hawkeye replied. Frank gave up after a few minutes of yelling at Hawkeye, then moved onto Trapper. Trapper was staring idly at their surroundings, ignoring everything that was going on.
'Face the front soldier!' Frank yelled at him. Trapper just ignored him. Instead of trying to shout or reason with him, Frank gave up straight away and turned to Klinger. Klinger was facing the front, straight backed, and acting the perfect soldier, except for the dress and shoes.
'That's not uniform,' Frank told him, his voice dangerously low.
'I know that, ma'am,' Klinger replied, still looking straight ahead. Frank went to move off, defeated, when Klinger stopped him. 'That can't be the whole inspection, can it?' he asked the Major.
'It is, corporal,' Frank said. 'Next time, I expect full uniform.'
'Not until I get a discharge, ma'am,' Klinger told Frank.
'Why, you. you.' Frank steamed.
'Keep moving, Frank,' Henry said from his position in the line. Frank turned to say something nasty, but was slightly stunned at Hawkeye and Trapper playing "Patty cake". This soon turned into wrestling, and Frank quickly forgot what he was going to say, so instead he stood in front of Alex.
'No fault with me, sir,' she said after Frank had stood there, looking at her for about a minute.
'You'll speak when spoken to,' Frank snapped. Alex, feeling annoyed, stuck her tongue out at him, just as he was moving to inspect Margaret. He spotted it out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned to see if he saw what he thought he saw, Alex just saluted him.
'Perfect,' Frank said without hesitation when he stopped in front of Margaret. 'No flaws, what-so-ever.'
'Major's pet,' Hawkeye said again, louder this time.
'Dismissed,' Frank told them, and he began to walk away.
'Hold on, Frank, don't you want to hear the judge's decision?' Trapper asked. Frank turned and walked back to them.
'Yelling at troops, not good for morale. Taking orders from someone who's pretending to be a lower ranking officer, proves you can be walked all over by some of the people who have some advantage over you,' Alex began, counting off on her fingers.
'Well, that's pretty much everyone,' Hawkeye said.
'Unable to control someone's actions, dangerous. Unable to get someone's attention, you could lose a life like that, sir,' Alex said. 'Uh, let's see. Having someone who is obviously crazy with your sounded minded troops, not safe for the crazy person, or the surrounding people.' Klinger grinned when Alex said that.
'So there!' he said, poking his tongue out at the Major.
'Trying to find fault with a specific someone and favouritism. The others could beat you up for that, Major,' Alex told him, grinning. Frank muttered something they couldn't hear and turned away again. 'Turning without receiving salutes from under ranking officers,' Alex called to him. Hawkeye and Trapper laughed with her, and they started back towards camp.
'He's a higher rank than you, doesn't that prove he's better at controlling people better?' Margaret said.
'So what? He wouldn't be able to run a daycare!' Hawkeye shouted back.
'Why, you. guys!' Frank said, unable to think of anything to call Hawkeye and Trapper.
'Why don't we settle this tomorrow? The war is slow, and it'll shut you four up. How about Major Burns can put some people through some drills. It'll prove if the Major is good or bad at controlling troops,' Alex said. 'Henry, do we have your permission to do that?'
'Yeah, anything to stop the headache they're hammering into my brain,' Henry said.
'Fine. You can make side bets if you want, but it's mainly to prove Major Burns' skills as a leader,' Alex said before turned back to Klinger. 'You were saying something about a hang glider?'
**~~*~~*~~*~~**
The next morning, Alex was declared judge of the competition. She would be one of the few people under Frank's command when they were drilling, as were Margaret, Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Henry and Klinger. Alex knew that Hawkeye and Trapper were going to make it as difficult for Frank as possible to control them, and she was looking forward to seeing what would happen. As Hawkeye had insulted Frank by claiming he couldn't look after a daycare, he and Trapper were planning to act like little kids. Margaret of course would follow Frank's every order, Henry and Radar were going to act on how well Frank gave the orders, and Klinger was going to act badly as well, Alex had noticed that he and Major Burns didn't get on very well. Alex didn't know if she'd make it harder or easier for the Major, ('Probably harder,' she had thought to herself with an evil grin that morning.) but she knew it'd be interesting, whatever happened. They were standing around an empty field, just lazing about, when Frank finally turned up.
'Atten-shun!' he yelled loudly. 'Line up for inspection!'
'He pinched me!' Hawkeye yelled out.
'Well, he punched me!' Trapper shouted. Alex shot them a look, and the three started laughing quietly.
'The Major said "attention",' Margaret snapped as they lined up.
'Major's pet,' Hawkeye muttered loudly for everyone to hear. Alex was trying to not laugh and stand still at the same time. Suddenly, Klinger appeared from no-where. He was wearing a pink short-sleeved dress, but had ditched his usual high-heels for something lower to the ground.
'You're late, corporal,' Frank said.
'Sorry, ma'am,' Klinger said, saluting before finding a place between Alex and Trapper.
'You're in trouble,' taunted Trapper.
'Love the new dress, Klinger,' Alex said through the side of her mouth.
'I still have the order form, if you want one,' Klinger replied.
'No thanks, pink really isn't my colour,' Alex whispered. 'Looks nice on you, though.'
'No talking in the ranks!' Frank ordered. He began pacing the row. He glared at Radar, who trembled a little when Frank started yelling. 'Why can't I see myself in your shoes, soldier?' he asked.
'Sorry, sir,' Radar said, his voice trembling. He saluted Frank before he moved on to Henry.
'Yell at me, Frank, and you'll be cleaning the latrines,' Henry told Frank. Frank, looking a little worried, moved on to Hawkeye. Hawkeye was busy pretending to pick his nose, as a young child might do.
'Take that out of you nose!' Frank ordered.
'I don't wanna,' Hawkeye replied. Frank gave up after a few minutes of yelling at Hawkeye, then moved onto Trapper. Trapper was staring idly at their surroundings, ignoring everything that was going on.
'Face the front soldier!' Frank yelled at him. Trapper just ignored him. Instead of trying to shout or reason with him, Frank gave up straight away and turned to Klinger. Klinger was facing the front, straight backed, and acting the perfect soldier, except for the dress and shoes.
'That's not uniform,' Frank told him, his voice dangerously low.
'I know that, ma'am,' Klinger replied, still looking straight ahead. Frank went to move off, defeated, when Klinger stopped him. 'That can't be the whole inspection, can it?' he asked the Major.
'It is, corporal,' Frank said. 'Next time, I expect full uniform.'
'Not until I get a discharge, ma'am,' Klinger told Frank.
'Why, you. you.' Frank steamed.
'Keep moving, Frank,' Henry said from his position in the line. Frank turned to say something nasty, but was slightly stunned at Hawkeye and Trapper playing "Patty cake". This soon turned into wrestling, and Frank quickly forgot what he was going to say, so instead he stood in front of Alex.
'No fault with me, sir,' she said after Frank had stood there, looking at her for about a minute.
'You'll speak when spoken to,' Frank snapped. Alex, feeling annoyed, stuck her tongue out at him, just as he was moving to inspect Margaret. He spotted it out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned to see if he saw what he thought he saw, Alex just saluted him.
'Perfect,' Frank said without hesitation when he stopped in front of Margaret. 'No flaws, what-so-ever.'
'Major's pet,' Hawkeye said again, louder this time.
'Dismissed,' Frank told them, and he began to walk away.
'Hold on, Frank, don't you want to hear the judge's decision?' Trapper asked. Frank turned and walked back to them.
'Yelling at troops, not good for morale. Taking orders from someone who's pretending to be a lower ranking officer, proves you can be walked all over by some of the people who have some advantage over you,' Alex began, counting off on her fingers.
'Well, that's pretty much everyone,' Hawkeye said.
'Unable to control someone's actions, dangerous. Unable to get someone's attention, you could lose a life like that, sir,' Alex said. 'Uh, let's see. Having someone who is obviously crazy with your sounded minded troops, not safe for the crazy person, or the surrounding people.' Klinger grinned when Alex said that.
'So there!' he said, poking his tongue out at the Major.
'Trying to find fault with a specific someone and favouritism. The others could beat you up for that, Major,' Alex told him, grinning. Frank muttered something they couldn't hear and turned away again. 'Turning without receiving salutes from under ranking officers,' Alex called to him. Hawkeye and Trapper laughed with her, and they started back towards camp.