My mind raced over the events of the previous day. Previous morning. Was this even the same day? It doesn't matter, Rachel, I told myself. Eliminate the insignificant details and you have more time to worry about the other ones.
I cursed myself suddenly. Tobias would have been taken by now, taken or killed. Priority number one. Next to maybe capturing me.
Now what? Where am I supposed to go?
I was back to the same dilemma. At that moment, more than ever, I was aware of the way my city, state, country had been saturated with Yeerks. I was not safe anywhere. Every Yeerk in the USA would be hunting me, until they lost interest and decided I was already dead, and even then one wrong move would start up the manhunt again.
I was alone, and I could not start over.
I had no life anymore. I could not go to college. I could not finish school. I could not make money. And suddenly all of those concerns seemed hideous and mundane.
I felt the flood rushing up inside me and thought about stopping it. Hatred. Pure, concentrated, distilled hatred. There was fear somewhere at the back -- fear always drives hatred -- but at the forefront of my mind there was only a red torrent of anger and that was what I needed.
I existed only to fight Yeerks. I existed only to make them feel pain. I existed only to stop them. I understood that then. I was the destroyer. That had always been my role. I was Jake's final weapon, I was the one to send in when things got bad, I was the one at the front when we just needed an exit plowed. I had the ruthlessness. I had the lack of conscience. Maybe I just understood what would happen if the Yeerks took over, but that wasn't likely. I had rage to vent. I had a lot of rage to vent.
I was hemmed in by a perfect life, the life of an honor student, the life of a gymnast, the life of a mall rat. An ordinary life. Not a bad ordinary life, but an ordinary life all the same.
I didn't want to be ordinary. And ripping the head off a slicing Hork-Bajir is not ordinary. I wanted that drama. I wanted someone to wrench me apart just so I could know that I was not one more teenager. I was a warrior. I needed to be a warrior.
And now I needed revenge. My friends had been captured or killed.
"I probably can't save them," I said aloud, "but I can avenge them. I can make the Yeerks know they didn't get all of us. I can make them know they haven't won. I can... I can give hope..."
I was babbling, but in my mind an image of me rose, exalted, triumphant. Visser Three crying for mercy. Me standing proud before allowing the very Taxxons he had once commanded to devour him. Me on the throne of the Yeerk pool --
What? I came back to reality suddenly. I didn't want to rule Yeerks. I wanted to kill them.
Right?
I wanted power. I would not die just another kid.
Get a grip. Not for the first time in the last day, or two days, I felt disgust for myself. What's the plan, Rachel? You don't plan. Jake plans. Now you have to plan.
I couldn't stay in this town. I had to move fast. And I had to blend in.
How far do I go?
Later. Worry about it later. Now, just move.
I concentrated. Even with everything going on, I was looking forward to the new morph, the new cat, the new predator. Not a very big predator, but still a predator. I thought of those claws and, probably because I was focusing on them, they suddenly slid out of pads that formed at the tips of my fingers.
"Cool," I said approvingly. My words were slurred by the appearance of teeth in my still-human mouth. The teeth were too long and bit sharply into my gums, but I was dead to the pain. I didn't care. Or maybe I enjoyed it.
My face slanted, nose shrinking down parallel to my mouth, pointing like a line from my eyes to a point slightly in front of my human feet. Not human for long. They seemed to bubble, and out of the changing skin fur sprouted. Claws armed my toes mere seconds before my legs changed direction and I hit the ground on all fours.
My mouth opened in a horrific grin. I enjoyed thinking about what I looked like, crouching down with long blonde hair sweeping the dirt and a snarling, toothy mouth below hate-filled eyes... My jaw shifted into a more felinoid one, ruining the image.
It's impossible to make a cat morph too gross. That's part of why I like them.
A horrible wave of loneliness hit me hard. I needed them there...
A short tail, only about four inches long, formed just as my hair gently withered up into my skull like strands of spider-silk being sucked in. And, finally, last of all, the fur that had started at my feet swept up me like a gust of wind.
I was ready to run.
Thirty miles per hour is not a blazing speed. I've been an eagle in a dive. That would have made this look commonplace. But it was good, it would serve my purpose.
Where to go? Rural area or close city?
City. Get a human morph -- I didn't care if I was using a sentient creature; my moralist friend was not there to stop me -- and blend in, coming out of hiding only long enough to strike harsh blows.
And what harsh blows can one human girl strike? Or one grizzly? Or one elephant?
I ignored myself.
A rural area... would it be harder or easier to find me? Easier if they knew what to look for, harder if they didn't. But I was drawn to the city. It energized me, the throngs of people moving all around, the people to show off for, the people to give me the spotlight, the people who made me me.
All right, Rachel. Get to the edge of the woods and remorph. Remorph... what... More planning! I wanted to act. This wasn't my niche, but I had no choice.
Seagull. Seagull went anywhere.
How far was I from where I wanted to be? I had no idea. I retreated slightly and used the bobcat mind to figure it out. People. People were south. People were pretty far south, yes, but the bobcat didn't like south. I did.
I took off.
Bobcats weigh about twenty pounds. They can move around twenty to thirty miles per hour, maybe thirty-five on a good day. I took advantage of the speed, plotting things in my head. I wasn't good at planning details, but I, like everyone, could plot the perfect little endings. Cassie and Jake and Marco and Ax, all freed. The Yeerks exposed. Tobias...
I wondered if he was dead. Probably not. They wouldn't want him dead. But they'd kill him if they didn't have another choice.
What would happen to the Chee? The Chee. I could use the Chee. That would help. But the Yeerks would be on them instantly. Would a few make it away? Like Erek?
There would be time to worry about that later. My muscles kept going, moving me in powerful leaps towards where the bobcat mind had told me civilization was. Real civilization, not the suburbs.
I couldn't go on like this. I was alone. Awesomely alone. And I would always be alone until I could free my friends. Realism crashed like a tidal wave. Me against the Yeerk Empire? That wasn't going to last long.
Just run, Rachel. Run and don't think.