It had been three long days since I was infested. During that time, Xanos
had done nothing. I was very bored.
I could not go back to my mother or my school, even if I'd wanted to (which I didn't); how could modern medicine explain my vanished wounds, the reappearance of my limbs, the recovered sight in my eye? The Yeerks had instead faked my death. The doctor and nurses belonged to them, and now, so did my mother. Through her everyone else had learned that Taylor had died in the hospital and had a small funeral. Everyone accepted this. No one wanted to think about me.
The three days passed uneventfully. Xanos constantly experimented with morphs. At first they fascinated me, but eventually, since I couldn't even feel the changes occurring in my body, it bored me. I realized that what was left of my life would pass in this empty, boring state as well.
Boredom. What a wonderful word to sum up a life with.
I knew that Xanos had to feed that day, and at least that was a new experience, something to look forward to. I also knew that for a few minutes I'd be free. The prospect didn't excite me. Apathy had almost entirely overcome my emotions.
{Am I going to be classified as a voluntary or involuntary host?} I asked Xanos as we lined up on the long pier. All around me I heard screams of despair. They didn't affect me.
{By default, you'll be involuntary,} he answered. {The empire is very cautious with its morph-capables. We couldn't have you suddenly decide to run for it and morph into a fly.}
{What if I wasn't morph-capable? What would I be?}
He hesitated. {I don't know. What would you be, Taylor?}
{I just don't care,} I whispered. {I don't care how I live anymore.}
{I know. That's what makes it hard to decide. Most hosts at least like it or dislike it. You.} He trailed off. {I'm going to feed.}
I wondered if I'd miss his presence in my head. I didn't think so. But at the same time I felt a fear of the responsibility controlling myself again would bring.
{You'll be held near Cassie, one of the former Animorphs. She and Aximili feed today, but they're held in separate areas since Aximili as an Andalite is naturally more deadly. It will be an interesting experience for you to meet Cassie.}
{Haven't I already met her?}
{Not really. You met Visser Thirty-eight. They're as separate as you and I are.}
{I see. Why will it be so interesting for me to meet her?}
{Because you are opposites.}
{How so?}
{She fights for everything good and right and moral, all concepts foreign to us Yeerks. You don't fight for anything. She is something and you are nothing, however empty and human those ideas are.}
{Are she and I more different than Rachel and I are?}
Again, he hesitated. {I think so. I don't know. Stop talking,} he snapped irritably. {I don't have time for these foolish questions.}
We were almost to the end of the pier. The man two humans in front of me knelt down. The Hork-Bajir put their hands on each of his shoulders to hold him still, but as he stood up, he shrugged them off. Two waiting Hork- Bajir led him to the voluntary section. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him sit on a ragged sofa and begin making small talk with the people next to him.
Ten it was the next man's turn. Once again, the bored Hork-Bajir held his shoulders still, but this time as soon as the slug hit the water the man began to scream.
"Help me! Help! Please, let me go!"
Xanos sighed. {When I first came here I thought they'd have enough pride to stop screaming after a while, but they still do. Every time.}
{All of them?} Fascinated, I watched the man struggle.
"Let me go!" he begged again as his pair of Hork-Bajir dragged him to a cage. "I can't live like this, I can't -"
{Are they going to put me in one of those?}
{No. You're going to be chained to a wall and under much heavier guard. If you try to morph they'll stun you at a moment's notice, I'll warn you in advance.} To the Hork-Bajir, he said, "Morph-capable."
With that, he was out; my body knelt down and the Yeerk slipped easily out of my ear and deep within the sludge.
The Hork-Bajir grabbed my arms roughly. I felt a sudden rush of panic and twisted in their grasp. One grabbed both my wrists and grunted an alien command. I froze and walked relatively willingly to my spot at the wall.
There were shackles hanging from the cold stone. The two lizards chained my wrists first, then my ankles, and then wrapped one long chain around my waist and hooked it back. I waited for them to head back to the pier, but instead they lifted their Dracon beams and stood on either side of me.
"You're Taylor, aren't you?" said a soft voice I didn't recognize as the one I'd heard three days ago. I twisted my head, looking past the Hork- Bajir to see the same short, dark girl I'd seen before.
"Yes. You're Cassie?"
She nodded. "I'd heard that you were voluntary, but obviously you're not," she commented with a slight tone of relief.
"I'm not involuntary," I said quickly, resenting the label. "They put all morph-capables in shackles. You should know that."
Cassie stared at me. "I wouldn't know that. There's never been a voluntary morph-capable before."
"I disgust you, don't I?"
She hesitated, like my Yeerk had; I realized that no one knew what to make of me. "Yes. You do. After all the fighting we did and all the things we suffered and all the battles we nearly died in - for freedom - I don't understand how any one can surrender freedom voluntarily."
I knew I should have felt ashamed, but I didn't. "Tell me what happened after you all were captured."
She closed her eyes. "The Hork-Bajir were reinfested. The Chee were destroyed. We were infested. Our parents were infested. The animals at my clinic died because my father closed it down on pretenses of not having funds. There must have been thirty animals in there and he let them all die."
I saw tears in her eyes and was shocked that out of her speech the animals were what affected her most.
"I thought Hork-Bajir were all infested already."
"There was a colony of free Hork-Bajir that escaped. They've all been recaptured but five - Toby, Jara Hamee, Ket Halpak, and two young Hork- Bajir." Her voice was bitter. "I don't even remember their names."
"You said 'Chee.' What are those?"
"Advanced robots that helped us. They were almost invulnerable, but the Yeerks just kept blasting them with Dracon beams for hours until they." She swallowed.
The four Hork-Bajir guarding us huffed a smug laugh and exchanged glances.
"They were just robots. What difference does it make?" I wondered.
"Sentient robots. Robots capable of emotion." Her hands twisted in the shackles.
"Are there any left?"
She glanced at the Hork-Bajir. "I think so. Erek, Lourdes, and Mr. King. We hadn't met Lourdes personally, but Erek knew her well and warned her in time to escape. The others weren't so lucky. We think there might still be a few left somewhere." She looked back at me. "Doesn't any of this reach you? Don't you understand what we fought for? Why would you give it up?"
I shrugged and turned my head the other way, resting my cheek against the cool, slick surface of the wall. I waited for Xanos to finish feeding. I didn't want to be in control anymore.
[A/N: I caught my mistake in Chapter 23 too late - in book #17 the Animorphs hadn't met Lourdes yet. But I am prepared to defend myself! Although she hadn't met them, Erek would have still known her and when Rachel and Tobias asked for help, he could have introduced her. So mwah.]
I could not go back to my mother or my school, even if I'd wanted to (which I didn't); how could modern medicine explain my vanished wounds, the reappearance of my limbs, the recovered sight in my eye? The Yeerks had instead faked my death. The doctor and nurses belonged to them, and now, so did my mother. Through her everyone else had learned that Taylor had died in the hospital and had a small funeral. Everyone accepted this. No one wanted to think about me.
The three days passed uneventfully. Xanos constantly experimented with morphs. At first they fascinated me, but eventually, since I couldn't even feel the changes occurring in my body, it bored me. I realized that what was left of my life would pass in this empty, boring state as well.
Boredom. What a wonderful word to sum up a life with.
I knew that Xanos had to feed that day, and at least that was a new experience, something to look forward to. I also knew that for a few minutes I'd be free. The prospect didn't excite me. Apathy had almost entirely overcome my emotions.
{Am I going to be classified as a voluntary or involuntary host?} I asked Xanos as we lined up on the long pier. All around me I heard screams of despair. They didn't affect me.
{By default, you'll be involuntary,} he answered. {The empire is very cautious with its morph-capables. We couldn't have you suddenly decide to run for it and morph into a fly.}
{What if I wasn't morph-capable? What would I be?}
He hesitated. {I don't know. What would you be, Taylor?}
{I just don't care,} I whispered. {I don't care how I live anymore.}
{I know. That's what makes it hard to decide. Most hosts at least like it or dislike it. You.} He trailed off. {I'm going to feed.}
I wondered if I'd miss his presence in my head. I didn't think so. But at the same time I felt a fear of the responsibility controlling myself again would bring.
{You'll be held near Cassie, one of the former Animorphs. She and Aximili feed today, but they're held in separate areas since Aximili as an Andalite is naturally more deadly. It will be an interesting experience for you to meet Cassie.}
{Haven't I already met her?}
{Not really. You met Visser Thirty-eight. They're as separate as you and I are.}
{I see. Why will it be so interesting for me to meet her?}
{Because you are opposites.}
{How so?}
{She fights for everything good and right and moral, all concepts foreign to us Yeerks. You don't fight for anything. She is something and you are nothing, however empty and human those ideas are.}
{Are she and I more different than Rachel and I are?}
Again, he hesitated. {I think so. I don't know. Stop talking,} he snapped irritably. {I don't have time for these foolish questions.}
We were almost to the end of the pier. The man two humans in front of me knelt down. The Hork-Bajir put their hands on each of his shoulders to hold him still, but as he stood up, he shrugged them off. Two waiting Hork- Bajir led him to the voluntary section. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him sit on a ragged sofa and begin making small talk with the people next to him.
Ten it was the next man's turn. Once again, the bored Hork-Bajir held his shoulders still, but this time as soon as the slug hit the water the man began to scream.
"Help me! Help! Please, let me go!"
Xanos sighed. {When I first came here I thought they'd have enough pride to stop screaming after a while, but they still do. Every time.}
{All of them?} Fascinated, I watched the man struggle.
"Let me go!" he begged again as his pair of Hork-Bajir dragged him to a cage. "I can't live like this, I can't -"
{Are they going to put me in one of those?}
{No. You're going to be chained to a wall and under much heavier guard. If you try to morph they'll stun you at a moment's notice, I'll warn you in advance.} To the Hork-Bajir, he said, "Morph-capable."
With that, he was out; my body knelt down and the Yeerk slipped easily out of my ear and deep within the sludge.
The Hork-Bajir grabbed my arms roughly. I felt a sudden rush of panic and twisted in their grasp. One grabbed both my wrists and grunted an alien command. I froze and walked relatively willingly to my spot at the wall.
There were shackles hanging from the cold stone. The two lizards chained my wrists first, then my ankles, and then wrapped one long chain around my waist and hooked it back. I waited for them to head back to the pier, but instead they lifted their Dracon beams and stood on either side of me.
"You're Taylor, aren't you?" said a soft voice I didn't recognize as the one I'd heard three days ago. I twisted my head, looking past the Hork- Bajir to see the same short, dark girl I'd seen before.
"Yes. You're Cassie?"
She nodded. "I'd heard that you were voluntary, but obviously you're not," she commented with a slight tone of relief.
"I'm not involuntary," I said quickly, resenting the label. "They put all morph-capables in shackles. You should know that."
Cassie stared at me. "I wouldn't know that. There's never been a voluntary morph-capable before."
"I disgust you, don't I?"
She hesitated, like my Yeerk had; I realized that no one knew what to make of me. "Yes. You do. After all the fighting we did and all the things we suffered and all the battles we nearly died in - for freedom - I don't understand how any one can surrender freedom voluntarily."
I knew I should have felt ashamed, but I didn't. "Tell me what happened after you all were captured."
She closed her eyes. "The Hork-Bajir were reinfested. The Chee were destroyed. We were infested. Our parents were infested. The animals at my clinic died because my father closed it down on pretenses of not having funds. There must have been thirty animals in there and he let them all die."
I saw tears in her eyes and was shocked that out of her speech the animals were what affected her most.
"I thought Hork-Bajir were all infested already."
"There was a colony of free Hork-Bajir that escaped. They've all been recaptured but five - Toby, Jara Hamee, Ket Halpak, and two young Hork- Bajir." Her voice was bitter. "I don't even remember their names."
"You said 'Chee.' What are those?"
"Advanced robots that helped us. They were almost invulnerable, but the Yeerks just kept blasting them with Dracon beams for hours until they." She swallowed.
The four Hork-Bajir guarding us huffed a smug laugh and exchanged glances.
"They were just robots. What difference does it make?" I wondered.
"Sentient robots. Robots capable of emotion." Her hands twisted in the shackles.
"Are there any left?"
She glanced at the Hork-Bajir. "I think so. Erek, Lourdes, and Mr. King. We hadn't met Lourdes personally, but Erek knew her well and warned her in time to escape. The others weren't so lucky. We think there might still be a few left somewhere." She looked back at me. "Doesn't any of this reach you? Don't you understand what we fought for? Why would you give it up?"
I shrugged and turned my head the other way, resting my cheek against the cool, slick surface of the wall. I waited for Xanos to finish feeding. I didn't want to be in control anymore.
[A/N: I caught my mistake in Chapter 23 too late - in book #17 the Animorphs hadn't met Lourdes yet. But I am prepared to defend myself! Although she hadn't met them, Erek would have still known her and when Rachel and Tobias asked for help, he could have introduced her. So mwah.]