Chiquitita 12/??
Ryo knew that the image was going to stay with him a long time. The curtains blowing in the night air, the alarm blaring. Miguel standing there in the kitchen with his little hand wrapped around the handle of a huge knife, ready to defend his family alone if he had to.
He didn't know what feeling was worse; that someone had tried to enter their apartment, or that Miguel still didn't trust them enough to realize that they'd always be around to protect him. That he'd put his own life in jeopardy because of that lack of trust. He felt like he was failing Miguel.
"You're wrong."
Ryo glanced over at Bikky, who had been listening to his discussion with Dee from the hideabed. Ryo had assumed he was asleep, but with Bikky it was never safe to assume anything.
"Of course he's wrong." Dee agreed. "That kid's come miles since he's been with us. Ryo, it's been less than a month and he's already totally different than when he came here."
"That's not exactly what I meant." Bikky put his arms behind his head. "Small fry wasn't out there with that knife because he didn't trust you. That's not what he was doing."
"Has he said anything?" Ryo asked hopefully.
"No. He doesn't have to though. I know anyway."
"Care to enlighten us?" Dee asked.
"I think it's because he's fed up." Bikky offered.
"Huh?"
"He's had it with being a victim. He's not going to sit there and take it any more. He's going to fight back this time. Yeah, we know he's too little to take care of himself, but he doesn't see it that way any more than I did when I was a kid." His eyes flicked toward Dee. "Or you did. You understand too. You've been there. They can only push you so far, and no matter how stacked the odds are against you, no matter how small you are or how big they are, you have to stand up for yourself."
"But if he trusted us, he wouldn't have to fight for himself." Ryo wasn't giving up his self-doubt that easily.
"Ryo, I trust you. I trust you with my life. But that doesn't mean I'm going to depend on you to get me out of every scrape I run into."
"You're not a kid any more though."
Bikky shook his head sadly. "Ryo, maybe Miguel is only five, but he's not a kid either. He hasn't been a kid since his grandmother and whoever the monster is hurt him. Maybe someday he can be a kid again. But right now it's just too fresh in his mind. He's seen too much and been through too much. I'm not saying that I want him to go around attacking burglars with knives. I wish he had woken one of us up. I'm just telling you how Miguel sees it. You can't expect him to look at life like a normal five-year-old. Not yet."
Seeing Ryo's disappointment he added gently "He will though. He's going to get back what they took from him. You're going to give him that. Just like you gave it back to me. Do you know what one of my best memories is?"
"What?" Ryo was smiling again.
"When I was twelve, and we drove up to Niagara Falls, the three of us. I was in the backseat, and you guys were up front talking. It was late at night, and I was half-asleep. I remember feeling completely and totally safe, that nothing in the world could ever touch me again. I wasn't hungry, and I was going to have a big soft motel bed soon, and I had my Gameboy in my pocket, and I was just a normal kid on a family vacation. It was like everything else got washed away. Miguel is going to have that too. You'll see."
"Where have you been hiding this sentimental side?" Dee was amused. "I remember that trip. You got into a fight with some kid who made fun of your hair and almost threw him into the falls! Then you locked his dad's car keys in their car!"
"They've never been able to prove that was me. They were just careless, that's all." He snickered. "How long do you think it took them to get the door open again? And are we going to talk about that white elephant standing over there, or are we going to keep ignoring it?"
"I was hoping we could ignore it a little longer." Dee sighed. "But you're right. It's not going to go away."
"Right now we have no proof that it wasn't random." Ryo added. "But after what the kids' grandmother said, we can't be sure that it was. We're going to get a record of her calls from the jail, see what we can turn up on that end. Maybe we'll get lucky. Or find out what visitors she's had. It's not a lot to go on but it's all we have at the moment. I wish we knew what Miguel saw."
"Ask him." Bikky pointed. "He's out of bed again."
The child was watching them from the doorway.
"Hey buddy, it's okay." Dee picked him up. "Go back to sleep."
Miguel reached over and tugged on Dee's hair, not hard. Thinking it was a game, Dee tugged back on his. Miguel gave him a frustrated look. He pointed at Dee's hair and then at a picture on the wall.
"Okay then." Dee was totally bewildered.
Miguel strugged to be let down, and looked around the room for a moment when Dee complied. He finally picked up one of Bikky's shirts and pointed at it while pulling on his hair, his eyes begging them to understand.
Glancing at the picture and then at the shirt, Bikky did. "Red hair. The guy had red hair. Is that what you're saying?"
Miguel broke into a huge grin and nodded. He crawled over the bed and pointed at Bikky's eyes.
"Blue eyes?" Dee asked.
Another happy nod.
"Long or short hair?" Ryo wanted to know.
Miguel held his fingers a little bit apart. Short.
"Was he young like Bikky or older like us?"
Miguel pointed to Bikky again without hesitation.
"Could you tell if he was skinny or fat?"
Miguel paused, and Ryo could tell he was trying to think of how to show them.
"Fat?"
No.
"Skinny?"
Yes.
"I'll call it in." Dee was already heading for the phone. "Good job, Miguel!"
"Thank you." Ryo pulled the boy onto his lap. "You've been a big help. But you still should have gotten an adult, understand?"
Miguel nodded with obvious reluctance, and Ryo recognized the look as one Bikky had patented. "I'm going to say what you want me to say, but forget it two minutes later." He wrapped his fingers around Ryo's and before Dee returned he was sound asleep.
Ryo returned him to his own room and tucked him in next to Nando, who rolled over and put an arm around him without even waking up. He watched them for a few minutes, his heart full, and then returned to the living room.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Where is everyone?" Cal sat down a paper bag and looked around the apartment.
"The kids had a doctors' appointment." Bikky explained. "I was able to convince the guys I'd be okay here alone for a little while. But I'm glad I don't have to be." He flopped back down on the bed and motioned for Cal to sit next to him. "I've been pigging out on grown-up TV. Do you know how much I missed on 'Starlight Cove'? Turns out that Natalia may be the daughter of Reginald, and he's Dustin's dad. They might be brother and sister."
"Yuck." Cal shook her head in exasperation and kissed him. "How are you feeling?"
"Lots better. As long as I don't try and lift anything big or walk too fast." He pointed a red scar on his forehead. "See, they finally took out my other stitches. Nando says I look like Frankenstein's Monster."
"You look great." She pronounced. "Like always." It was true. With his contrast of light and dark, he was one of the most strikingly handsome men she had ever known. It went beyond the physical; there was something in the set of his jaw and how he walked, a cockiness he'd never outgrown.
"I've had lots of time to think." Bikky began. "Nothing much else to do. I've decided that I'm not going to waste any more time." He turned off the TV and faced her. "I know that I don't have a ring to give you, but you've got my heart instead. I've been in love with you since I was a kid." He put his hands on top of hers. "I'm making it official. I'm asking you to marry me. Right away. We can do a little ceremony now and later when we have more money we can have a huge one."
"Bikky."
"Maybe when our first kid is old enough to be a flower girl or a ring- bearer. We'll renew our vows then. Hey, maybe we'll have two kids by then, one of each. But right now we can get by on bare bones, I think. It's the love that's important right?"
Cal looked away from him. "Bikky, I do love you. You know that. I always have and I always will. But I think we need to wait a while before we take that kind of step."
"Why?" He demanded, angry now. "God, not this again. I thought you said you understood. You told me the night I got hurt you wanted to work it out!"
"I do!" She shot back. "But you're making all these plans for both of us. And maybe my plans are different."
"Okay, then tell me what your plans are." He threw up his hands. "I'm not a mind reader. Tell me what exactly it is that you want."
"I know I don't want kids." She blurted it out, and his face fell. "I want to keep on helping the kids that are already here, not take care of my own. I know you do so I've never said anything, but I've never wanted my own kids. That's your dream, not mine."
"Okay." He said after a moment. "Okay. I'm not going to say I'm happy with it, but I love you. If giving up kids is what it takes to get you to say yes, then I can live with it." He brightened. "We can take in foster kids. We can give kids like Nando and Miguel a home. Why have our own when there's already kids out there no one wants?"
"Bikky, you're just not getting it." She closed her eyes. "I'm not going to have the time to dedicate to being anyone's mother, no matter who gave birth to them. I'm constantly on call; I work 18 and 20 hour days sometimes. How would that be good for a child?"
"Okay, okay. No real kids. No foster kids. Can we at least get a cat? Or are you worried about it feeling neglected too?"
"See, this is why I didn't want to discuss this with you. You're getting all upset, and it's not good for you."
"Why don't you just say it then?" He spat. "Say that you don't want to marry me. Quit using excuses. I can take it."
"I do want to marry you, but not yet. We'd be setting ourselves up to fail." She tried to touch his hand again and he pulled back. "Could you be happy with a wife you hardly ever saw?" She asked him very gently. "How long would it be before you resented it too much to stick around?"
"We can compromise." He offered. "I won't mention kids, and won't complain if you work a more normal shift. Or something like ten hours a day."
"I can't do that." She argued. "What I do is too important."
"Even GOD took a day off."
"Well, good for him. If he hadn't, maybe some of these kids wouldn't be in such sorry shape right now and I wouldn't be the one trying to save their lives. You see? If we married now we'd be fighting like this every single day. That's not what either one of us wants or needs."
"You're right. It's not." She'd never heard his voice that cold before. "But I do appreciate you being honest with me. There's nothing left for us to say, is there."
"So you're telling me it's over?" Her voice tightened.
He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "Have a good life, Cal. I hope your cases are enough to keep you warm at night. I'll always love you. Just be happy. All I ask."
She tried to speak but couldn't. Crawling off the bed she stumbled toward the door, which opened before she could reach it.
"Hey, Cal." Dee started, and she pushed past him, running as she hit the hall.
"Bikky?" Ryo was bewildered. "What happened? What's wrong with Cal?"
"She was crying." Nando noted. "Why was she crying?"
"Nando, why don't you and Miguel go play in your room so we can talk to Bikky?" Dee asked. "Go on."
When they heard the bedroom door click shut Dee sat down on the hideabed. "Spill your guts. What's going on?"
"Nothing is going on." Bikky said bitterly. "Nothing at all. No girlfriend, no engagement, no wedding. No kids. Definitely no kids. I'm absolutely horrible for wanting kids, did you know that?"
"Oh Bikky." Ryo put his arm around the young man. "I'm sure you can work this out."
"No. Not this time." Bikky shook his head. "It's over. We've been keeping it on life support for a long time but sooner or later you've gotta pull the plug. She wants her life to revolve around her job. I can't be happy with just a few minutes a day here and there and that's all she's willing to give me. This way. she doesn't have to feel guilty any more about it."
"Do you want us to talk to her? She'll listen to us, I know she will."
"No." He said firmly. "Ryo, you can't fix this. Please don't try. It's between her and I." He began to blink hard. "I'm going to be a man and let her go. I am not going to cry."
"We've been here before." Ryo reminded him. "I don't mind if you cry."
All his pain and frustration welled up in him at once, and leaning again Ryo he finally allowed his heart to break.
Ryo knew that the image was going to stay with him a long time. The curtains blowing in the night air, the alarm blaring. Miguel standing there in the kitchen with his little hand wrapped around the handle of a huge knife, ready to defend his family alone if he had to.
He didn't know what feeling was worse; that someone had tried to enter their apartment, or that Miguel still didn't trust them enough to realize that they'd always be around to protect him. That he'd put his own life in jeopardy because of that lack of trust. He felt like he was failing Miguel.
"You're wrong."
Ryo glanced over at Bikky, who had been listening to his discussion with Dee from the hideabed. Ryo had assumed he was asleep, but with Bikky it was never safe to assume anything.
"Of course he's wrong." Dee agreed. "That kid's come miles since he's been with us. Ryo, it's been less than a month and he's already totally different than when he came here."
"That's not exactly what I meant." Bikky put his arms behind his head. "Small fry wasn't out there with that knife because he didn't trust you. That's not what he was doing."
"Has he said anything?" Ryo asked hopefully.
"No. He doesn't have to though. I know anyway."
"Care to enlighten us?" Dee asked.
"I think it's because he's fed up." Bikky offered.
"Huh?"
"He's had it with being a victim. He's not going to sit there and take it any more. He's going to fight back this time. Yeah, we know he's too little to take care of himself, but he doesn't see it that way any more than I did when I was a kid." His eyes flicked toward Dee. "Or you did. You understand too. You've been there. They can only push you so far, and no matter how stacked the odds are against you, no matter how small you are or how big they are, you have to stand up for yourself."
"But if he trusted us, he wouldn't have to fight for himself." Ryo wasn't giving up his self-doubt that easily.
"Ryo, I trust you. I trust you with my life. But that doesn't mean I'm going to depend on you to get me out of every scrape I run into."
"You're not a kid any more though."
Bikky shook his head sadly. "Ryo, maybe Miguel is only five, but he's not a kid either. He hasn't been a kid since his grandmother and whoever the monster is hurt him. Maybe someday he can be a kid again. But right now it's just too fresh in his mind. He's seen too much and been through too much. I'm not saying that I want him to go around attacking burglars with knives. I wish he had woken one of us up. I'm just telling you how Miguel sees it. You can't expect him to look at life like a normal five-year-old. Not yet."
Seeing Ryo's disappointment he added gently "He will though. He's going to get back what they took from him. You're going to give him that. Just like you gave it back to me. Do you know what one of my best memories is?"
"What?" Ryo was smiling again.
"When I was twelve, and we drove up to Niagara Falls, the three of us. I was in the backseat, and you guys were up front talking. It was late at night, and I was half-asleep. I remember feeling completely and totally safe, that nothing in the world could ever touch me again. I wasn't hungry, and I was going to have a big soft motel bed soon, and I had my Gameboy in my pocket, and I was just a normal kid on a family vacation. It was like everything else got washed away. Miguel is going to have that too. You'll see."
"Where have you been hiding this sentimental side?" Dee was amused. "I remember that trip. You got into a fight with some kid who made fun of your hair and almost threw him into the falls! Then you locked his dad's car keys in their car!"
"They've never been able to prove that was me. They were just careless, that's all." He snickered. "How long do you think it took them to get the door open again? And are we going to talk about that white elephant standing over there, or are we going to keep ignoring it?"
"I was hoping we could ignore it a little longer." Dee sighed. "But you're right. It's not going to go away."
"Right now we have no proof that it wasn't random." Ryo added. "But after what the kids' grandmother said, we can't be sure that it was. We're going to get a record of her calls from the jail, see what we can turn up on that end. Maybe we'll get lucky. Or find out what visitors she's had. It's not a lot to go on but it's all we have at the moment. I wish we knew what Miguel saw."
"Ask him." Bikky pointed. "He's out of bed again."
The child was watching them from the doorway.
"Hey buddy, it's okay." Dee picked him up. "Go back to sleep."
Miguel reached over and tugged on Dee's hair, not hard. Thinking it was a game, Dee tugged back on his. Miguel gave him a frustrated look. He pointed at Dee's hair and then at a picture on the wall.
"Okay then." Dee was totally bewildered.
Miguel strugged to be let down, and looked around the room for a moment when Dee complied. He finally picked up one of Bikky's shirts and pointed at it while pulling on his hair, his eyes begging them to understand.
Glancing at the picture and then at the shirt, Bikky did. "Red hair. The guy had red hair. Is that what you're saying?"
Miguel broke into a huge grin and nodded. He crawled over the bed and pointed at Bikky's eyes.
"Blue eyes?" Dee asked.
Another happy nod.
"Long or short hair?" Ryo wanted to know.
Miguel held his fingers a little bit apart. Short.
"Was he young like Bikky or older like us?"
Miguel pointed to Bikky again without hesitation.
"Could you tell if he was skinny or fat?"
Miguel paused, and Ryo could tell he was trying to think of how to show them.
"Fat?"
No.
"Skinny?"
Yes.
"I'll call it in." Dee was already heading for the phone. "Good job, Miguel!"
"Thank you." Ryo pulled the boy onto his lap. "You've been a big help. But you still should have gotten an adult, understand?"
Miguel nodded with obvious reluctance, and Ryo recognized the look as one Bikky had patented. "I'm going to say what you want me to say, but forget it two minutes later." He wrapped his fingers around Ryo's and before Dee returned he was sound asleep.
Ryo returned him to his own room and tucked him in next to Nando, who rolled over and put an arm around him without even waking up. He watched them for a few minutes, his heart full, and then returned to the living room.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Where is everyone?" Cal sat down a paper bag and looked around the apartment.
"The kids had a doctors' appointment." Bikky explained. "I was able to convince the guys I'd be okay here alone for a little while. But I'm glad I don't have to be." He flopped back down on the bed and motioned for Cal to sit next to him. "I've been pigging out on grown-up TV. Do you know how much I missed on 'Starlight Cove'? Turns out that Natalia may be the daughter of Reginald, and he's Dustin's dad. They might be brother and sister."
"Yuck." Cal shook her head in exasperation and kissed him. "How are you feeling?"
"Lots better. As long as I don't try and lift anything big or walk too fast." He pointed a red scar on his forehead. "See, they finally took out my other stitches. Nando says I look like Frankenstein's Monster."
"You look great." She pronounced. "Like always." It was true. With his contrast of light and dark, he was one of the most strikingly handsome men she had ever known. It went beyond the physical; there was something in the set of his jaw and how he walked, a cockiness he'd never outgrown.
"I've had lots of time to think." Bikky began. "Nothing much else to do. I've decided that I'm not going to waste any more time." He turned off the TV and faced her. "I know that I don't have a ring to give you, but you've got my heart instead. I've been in love with you since I was a kid." He put his hands on top of hers. "I'm making it official. I'm asking you to marry me. Right away. We can do a little ceremony now and later when we have more money we can have a huge one."
"Bikky."
"Maybe when our first kid is old enough to be a flower girl or a ring- bearer. We'll renew our vows then. Hey, maybe we'll have two kids by then, one of each. But right now we can get by on bare bones, I think. It's the love that's important right?"
Cal looked away from him. "Bikky, I do love you. You know that. I always have and I always will. But I think we need to wait a while before we take that kind of step."
"Why?" He demanded, angry now. "God, not this again. I thought you said you understood. You told me the night I got hurt you wanted to work it out!"
"I do!" She shot back. "But you're making all these plans for both of us. And maybe my plans are different."
"Okay, then tell me what your plans are." He threw up his hands. "I'm not a mind reader. Tell me what exactly it is that you want."
"I know I don't want kids." She blurted it out, and his face fell. "I want to keep on helping the kids that are already here, not take care of my own. I know you do so I've never said anything, but I've never wanted my own kids. That's your dream, not mine."
"Okay." He said after a moment. "Okay. I'm not going to say I'm happy with it, but I love you. If giving up kids is what it takes to get you to say yes, then I can live with it." He brightened. "We can take in foster kids. We can give kids like Nando and Miguel a home. Why have our own when there's already kids out there no one wants?"
"Bikky, you're just not getting it." She closed her eyes. "I'm not going to have the time to dedicate to being anyone's mother, no matter who gave birth to them. I'm constantly on call; I work 18 and 20 hour days sometimes. How would that be good for a child?"
"Okay, okay. No real kids. No foster kids. Can we at least get a cat? Or are you worried about it feeling neglected too?"
"See, this is why I didn't want to discuss this with you. You're getting all upset, and it's not good for you."
"Why don't you just say it then?" He spat. "Say that you don't want to marry me. Quit using excuses. I can take it."
"I do want to marry you, but not yet. We'd be setting ourselves up to fail." She tried to touch his hand again and he pulled back. "Could you be happy with a wife you hardly ever saw?" She asked him very gently. "How long would it be before you resented it too much to stick around?"
"We can compromise." He offered. "I won't mention kids, and won't complain if you work a more normal shift. Or something like ten hours a day."
"I can't do that." She argued. "What I do is too important."
"Even GOD took a day off."
"Well, good for him. If he hadn't, maybe some of these kids wouldn't be in such sorry shape right now and I wouldn't be the one trying to save their lives. You see? If we married now we'd be fighting like this every single day. That's not what either one of us wants or needs."
"You're right. It's not." She'd never heard his voice that cold before. "But I do appreciate you being honest with me. There's nothing left for us to say, is there."
"So you're telling me it's over?" Her voice tightened.
He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "Have a good life, Cal. I hope your cases are enough to keep you warm at night. I'll always love you. Just be happy. All I ask."
She tried to speak but couldn't. Crawling off the bed she stumbled toward the door, which opened before she could reach it.
"Hey, Cal." Dee started, and she pushed past him, running as she hit the hall.
"Bikky?" Ryo was bewildered. "What happened? What's wrong with Cal?"
"She was crying." Nando noted. "Why was she crying?"
"Nando, why don't you and Miguel go play in your room so we can talk to Bikky?" Dee asked. "Go on."
When they heard the bedroom door click shut Dee sat down on the hideabed. "Spill your guts. What's going on?"
"Nothing is going on." Bikky said bitterly. "Nothing at all. No girlfriend, no engagement, no wedding. No kids. Definitely no kids. I'm absolutely horrible for wanting kids, did you know that?"
"Oh Bikky." Ryo put his arm around the young man. "I'm sure you can work this out."
"No. Not this time." Bikky shook his head. "It's over. We've been keeping it on life support for a long time but sooner or later you've gotta pull the plug. She wants her life to revolve around her job. I can't be happy with just a few minutes a day here and there and that's all she's willing to give me. This way. she doesn't have to feel guilty any more about it."
"Do you want us to talk to her? She'll listen to us, I know she will."
"No." He said firmly. "Ryo, you can't fix this. Please don't try. It's between her and I." He began to blink hard. "I'm going to be a man and let her go. I am not going to cry."
"We've been here before." Ryo reminded him. "I don't mind if you cry."
All his pain and frustration welled up in him at once, and leaning again Ryo he finally allowed his heart to break.