The One Where Mercury Continues

Original story by: Ezika

Continued with permission. Thanks, Ezika!

Continuation by: Jana~

Chapter Seven

*******

ALMOST ONE YEAR LATER

--"Do you know what next week is?" the therapist asked Monica.

Monica looked back at the older plumper woman, the person she considered just as much a friend as a Dr, and a slight smile crossed her lips as she nodded. "It's the one-year anniversary," she answered.

"Of?" the Dr prompted.

"Of my attempted suicide," Monica returned.

"And how do we feel about that?" Dr Wagner asked her patient.

Monica sighed, looking around the impeccably clean office. That had been one of the deciding factors for choosing Dr Wagner, because they had a love of cleaning in common. "I'm a little nervous about it," she answered, "But I'm not freaking out."

The Dr smiled. "Were you expecting to?"

"I wasn't sure," Monica admitted. "I guess that means I still have a ways to go, huh?"

"Not necessarily," she explained. "It's actually quite common to be anxious about the anniversary of something so traumatic."

"I suppose," Monica muttered.

"Do you feel you are not where you'd like to be, or should be? With our sessions?"

"I'm not sure. You would know better than I."

"Well, let me ask you, how are the nightmares?"

"Better. Haven't had one in over a month."

"And how are you getting along with your friends? And brother?"

"Good. It was awkward at first, when I first got home, but things are slowly getting back to normal."

"Define normal," The Dr requested. "Tell me what happens on a normal day with your friends."

"Well, before, we would get together for breakfast, usually at my place. I would cook. Then, after we all got off work, we would usually meet up at the coffeehouse and, just, spend time together. Talk, tell jokes, share our day. Sometimes we would have dinner together, unless one of us had a date. Again, usually at my place, with me cooking."

"And did that bother you? To be the one who was usually cooking?"

"No, actually, I loved being the hostess."

"You don't anymore?"

"Well, no- yeah, I still like being the hostess, but, I think everyone is a little worried. That, if they come over a lot, like they used to, that it'll be, I don't know, too much for me to deal with."

"Do you agree with them?"

"Not really. I mean, I'm still working out some issues, sure, but, I can certainly cook a couple meals a few times per week."

"Have you told them how you feel? Have you let them know that you miss being the hostess?"

"I've told Chandler."

The Dr smiled. "And, speaking of Chandler, how is your relationship with him now?"

"Good. Real good, actually."

"How has it been since he's moved out?"

"Well, we don't see each other as often, but, he comes over every morning, and after work."

"And how are things with your roommate? Rachel?" she asked, and Monica nodded.

"Better," Monica replied. "It was strained at first, cause she had just broken up with my brother, and they were fighting and bickering all the time, but they're friends now."

"What about your mom?" Dr Wagner asked as she jotted down some notes.

"What about her?" Monica asked, a slight grin on her face.

"How has your relationship with her been?"

"Not bad. We talked, and she explained her need to criticize, and I explained my need not to be criticized. I think we found a happy medium."

"That's great," she praised, making more notes in her file. "Let's get back to Chandler for a minute," she requested. "Has there been any more discussion about your feelings for him?"

Monica shook her head. "We decided, before I even left the hospital, that we would work on healing first, before we brought it up again."

"And does he think you have more healing to do? That you're not yet ready to move on?"

"I don't know," she said with a shrug. "I haven't asked him."

"Are you afraid to ask him?"

"Not really afraid, but, I am worried that it might be too soon."

"Too soon to move forward, or to talk about it?"

"Both," Monica admitted.

"And when would be the right time, to talk about it?"

"I don't honestly know. I thought, maybe, after a year, but here we are, approaching the one-year anniversary, and it still doesn't seem right. Or like it's time."

"To talk about it?"

Monica nodded, "Yeah."

"What do you talk about, when you're together?"

"Lots of stuff. Work, movies, our friends, current events. Sometimes, we don't have to talk at all. We'll just be, together. Just sit and do nothing, and say nothing, and we're both just so comfortable, we know it's not needed."

"Sounds like a very comfortable friendship."

Monica smiled thoughtfully. "It is."

"So, let me ask you, Monica," Dr Wagner asked. "Will you always play it safe? Or will you eventually take that risk, and tell Chandler what you really want?"

Eyes downcast, Monica sighed. "I think it might be better if I wait for him to bring it up. I want to be sure he's ready. If I bring it up first, he might feel pressured."

"Or, maybe he's waiting for you to bring it up first. Because, maybe he feels that you would know better, where you are emotionally, and he doesn't want to pressure you."

"Maybe," Monica conceded, "But, I'm just not ready to take the risk. Yet."

"Fair enough," the Dr said with a nod. "Let's go back to the anniversary," she suggested. "What are your plans for the 23rd?"

"Chandler's taking me out, but I don't know to where. He says it's a surprise."

"Does that worry you?"

Monica scowled. "Does what worry me?"

"The date."

"It's not a date. We go out together all the time."

"Does he usually keep the whereabouts a secret?"

"Well, no."

"Do you think he has something special planned? That, maybe, he wants to talk to you about all this now?"

After a moment, Monica insisted, "I didn't before, but, now that you mention it…"

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Nervous," she admitted.

"Why?"

She stared back at her Dr, a worried expression on her face. "I don't know if I'm ready for this to happen yet."

"Why not?" Dr Wagner asked. "What is holding you back from taking this step?"

Monica shook her head. "I hurt him. Bad," she added, her voice catching on the emotion. "What if I'm not really ok? What if- if something bad happens, and I get that depressed again? I don't want to hurt him again."

"Monica, are you concerned, that if you lost Chandler, you might try again to commit suicide?"

"I don't know! I mean, I never thought of myself as the kind of person who would be able to do something like that, but, I did! How can I be sure that it won't happen again?"

"You get help, when you feel yourself losing control, instead of hiding away, and allowing it to fester and grow. You confide in your friends, and in your family. They love you, and will help you, if you let them."

"But I don't want to be there again. I don't want to get to a point where I need intervention. I want to be the way I was before. Strong."

"So, you think if you avoid situations that may make you sad, you'll avoid being in that place again?" the Dr asked, and Monica responded with a shrug. "You can't live in safety all your life. Life is about living, and the unknown, and dealing with situations that come your way. You'll never be able to avoid every issue. Eventually, problems and dilemmas will present themselves, and you'll need to deal with them. You can't run forever," she added with a great seriousness.

"I know," Monica replied, "And I want that, I just don't know that I'm ready yet. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with Chandler. About this."

"Would it help if we brought him in on these sessions?"

Monica's eyes grew wide. "We can do that?"

"Of course," the Dr replied. "Do you think he would be willing?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"How about for your next session?"

Monica nodded. "I'll ask him."

"Why don't we break the routine," Dr Wagner suggested, "And have you come in on the 23rd."

"On the anniversary?"

She nodded. "We can schedule it for before your plans with Chandler."

"Yeah, ok," Monica agreed. "I'll ask him."

"If the 23rd isn't good for Chandler, just call the office and reschedule for a time that is, ok?"

Monica nodded, taking the appointment card from the Dr's hand as she stood. "See'ya next week."

***

--Monica wrung her hands, waiting for him to enter. Every time she even thought she heard the door open, she would look over her shoulder to see. Checking her watch for the hundredth time, she reached for her coffee mug, proud of herself for having chosen decaf, since caffeine would only serve to make her jumpier than she already was.

When he stepped in on someone else's push, he immediately spotted her, sipping coffee on the ugly orange couch, alone. He briefly wondered where everyone was as he approached.

Seeing him out of her peripheral vision, she reacted to his presence only after he had joined her on the well-worn sofa.

"Where is everyone?" he asked.

"I asked them to go," she admitted, "Cause I need to talk to you about something."

Chandler could see how antsy she was, and his first reaction was that of concern. "Why? What's wrong? Are you ok? Did something happen?"

"Calm down, Chandler," Monica instructed. "I'm fine. Just a little nervous about having this conversation, is all."

He settled in, waiting for her to begin.

"At my session today," she stated carefully, "My Dr said she wanted to, move my next appointment, to the 23rd, and, she also wanted to know if- if you would consider coming to it with me."

With a thoughtful expression he asked, "Instead of us going out?"

"No," she told him, "Before we go out."

"Oh. Um, yeah, sure," he said, less assuredly than Monica thought appropriate or needed.

"If you don't want to, that's fine," she told him. "It's not like it's mandatory-"

"Monica," he interrupted her, "It's not that I don't want to. I'm just, surprised, is all, that your Dr wants me there."

"It's not all that weird," she explained. "I mean, I talk about you all the time, she probably just wants to touch base with the man that holds such importance in my life."

He smiled, putting his arm around her and pulling her to him in a slight embrace. "You're important to me, too," he told her softly. "And of course I'll go."

With a deep sigh, she placed her head on his shoulder. "Thank you," she whispered.

***

--"So, Chandler," Dr Wagner began, "Why don't we start with what happened one year ago today?"

"Wow," he said jokingly, "You don't waste any time getting to the personal stuff, eh, Doc?"

She smiled in return, then jotted something down on her pad of paper.

"Oh, yeah," he told her, "Be sure to make a note of that. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable."

"Why are you uncomfortable?"

"Well, for starters, I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing here."

"You're here to help Monica," the Dr replied.

"Hey, I'd do anything for Monica," he defended, "But, how is me being here helping her?"

"The two of you have a deep-seeded history, from what she tells me. You are very important to her, and even at her darkest moment, she confided in you before anyone else."

"But, it still wasn't enough to stop her," he interjected sadly.

"I know, and from what Monica has told me, for a while at least, you blamed yourself for this," Dr Wagner mentioned, and Chandler nodded. "Do you still?"

He shook his head. "No. I know it wasn't my fault."

"But you still carry guilt, or somehow feel dejected, because you couldn't 'save her'?"

"Maybe," he shrugged. "Maybe a little."

"And you saw her jump," she said as she changed course slightly.

"Yeah," he muttered then reached over and took Monica's hand.

"Tell me about that," she requested, hiding a smile as she caught the obvious display of affection.

"How will me reliving that help Monica?" he asked, challenging her. He didn't want to talk about it; he knew it would cause them both to cry. That was something he wanted to avoid. "I already discussed my feelings with a shrink," he added.

"You saw a grief counselor after the attempted suicide?" she asked him.

"Yeah. I sorta had, a nervous breakdown, her first day at the hospital."

"They had to sedate him," Monica added.

"Is it a hard subject to talk about?" she inquired, her tone kind. "Is it hard to talk about what you saw, and what you felt?"

"Yeah," Monica admitted timidly.

"Of course it's hard," Chandler returned. He didn't much care for shrinks anyway, and since that day one year ago, he'd had his fill of them.

"Have you ever discussed it? Just the two of you, or in a support group with others?"

Chandler and Monica looked at one-another before slowly shaking their heads.

"Why not?" the Dr asked.

With a sigh, Chandler said, "It makes her sad. It makes me sad, and we've had enough sadness."

"So, you just avoid talking about it? You've never talked about it?"

"We did a little," he muttered in reply. "In the beginning, but, after a while, it just seemed to rip open the wound when we would mention it, so, we just stopped mentioning it."

"What about when she had the nightmares?" Dr Wagner asked. "She never told you about her nightmares?"

"She told me she had them, but not what was in them. I didn't need to know, to console her."

"You shouldn't avoid discussing this," she advised them. "It will only delay the healing. Talking about it shouldn't be something you fear, it should be something you embrace."

"Hard to embrace something that brings so much pain," Chandler countered.

"Yes, you're right, but the pain is only temporary. It's like ripping off a band-aid to get to the wound. It hurts for a moment, but then the pain subsides, and you have your feelings exposed so that they can be treated and healed."

"So," Monica asked, "Where do we go from here?"

"Well, let's start with Chandler," the Dr suggested. "Chandler, share with Monica, how you were feeling when you two shared that intimate time together earlier, before she jumped."

His eyebrow arched, and he looked at the Dr skeptically.

"Chandler," she assured him, "I'm a Doctor. Trust me, I've heard many a story that involves sex. Just, talk to Monica," she instructed. "Pretend I'm not even here."

He looked over at Monica, with an expression that seemed to say, I don't want to do this, and she smiled apologetically in return.

Sighing heavily, he physically turned himself to face her, his eyes downcast as he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I was confused. One second, I'm kissing your tears away, the next, we were kissing passionately. My brain kept telling me to pull away, that you were vulnerable, but God, it felt so good to be with you like that. Then you were unbuttoning my shirt, and I had just enough wits about me to stop you, but then you said you needed me."

He took a deep breath, trying to settle his nerves before continuing. "I needed you, too. I so needed you, and you were begging me… I couldn't stop myself. You seemed so frail, and it was like I was taking care of you, in a way."

"It was beautiful," he continued, "When we were together. And I wanted so bad to hold you, forever, but I fell asleep. God, how I wish I hadn't. I'm so sorry I did."

Monica shook her head silently, as if to say it was ok, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Monica," the Dr cut in, "Tell Chandler how you were feeling, at that same time."

She nodded, wiping the tears from her face before starting. "It just felt right," she said in a whisper. "All of the sudden, something clicked, and I realized… I wanted you. And not just to hold me or lend me your ear, but to really be with me. It seemed so clear in that moment. It seemed so obvious and right."

"When you backed away… when you seemed reluctant, I felt lost," she admitted. "I know I wouldn't have been able to take the rejection, but somehow, you knew that, didn't you?" she asked, rhetorical for the most part, but he gave a brief slight nod in response.

"When we were, together, I hadn't been that happy in months. And it wasn't just the act. It was the closeness, and the connection. I wanted you inside me, forever. But then it ended. And guilt set in."

"Ok," Dr Wagner jumped in, "Monica, let's continue from there. What happened, in your mind, between that moment of being happier than you'd been in months, and wanting to die?"

TO BE CONTINUED…

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