I don't own Digimon Frontier.
A/N: this is dedicated to Hofit-chan, who bugged the living hell out of me until I finally wrote it. A Kou1x2 ^___^
Fade to Black
I hate the dark. I simply despise it. Can't stand it for the life of me. Ironic it's me that's saying it, especially after having myself locked up in my room at night. But I have my reasons. I just can't remember any right now.
I used to be alright. I could sit here like this for hours, and be happy with myself. My heart was light and my soul, cleansed. But that's when I started hearing him again. That voice that's been haunting my soul since forever. I haven't heard him since… since I met the other part of myself. The voice went away then, and I wasn't afraid, not of the light, or of the darkness. But he changed that. Dreams of bliss became ones of horror, his words thrown at me whenever I closed my eyes. And I felt myself change with each variation of a nightmare he decided to throw at me.
What other option did I have? I said goodbye to sleep. That, however, only seemed to make matters worse.
The nights became long as day, and the darkness that constantly surrounded me stood as a testament to my inner turmoil, growing darker with each rising moon. My heart, even after all this time, still years to drown in the dark, wanting it, begging it to numb the pain. Make old scars disappear, and leave no place for new ones to be made. It doesn't matter that my soul would bleed just the same.
The darkness can do that, keep all those emotions from piercing my heart... those, and so many others. The darkness can erase all of the stars, but it will also shatter my broken sunshines.
That is the only thing that keeps me from succumbing, the only thin that forces me to fight. That, and a reflection I see in the shards of a tear drop.
You see, you can't see shadows in the darkness. But you also can't see the sun. I can't see my own memories anymore. They fade away into a dark nothingness. The places fade to black, and the events alter and change. But the worst part is the people. The people in my life, the people in my heart. They have all lost not only their faces, but their smiles. I tried to remember my mother last night. I could barely remember what she looked like, or the sound of her voice. Or her laughter. The most basic of things eluded me. I might as well have tried to catch mist with my bare hands… And as for my father… he's nothing more than black fog, always out of my reach. Always mocking me. I never wanted you, I only wanted one child…That's his usual routine. I try to tell him I'm the first born, that I'm the one who was here first, they even named me like so. Kou-Ichi.
First Light.
But one time that I told him that, the shadows laughed. My father took out a bundle, and I recognized it, for all the horror of it. It was a baby whose face I saw each day in the mirror, yet was not my own.
You're right, he said, smiling maniacally. I only need one. At that, I wanted to scream, but the darkness had numbed my voice. I couldn't watch, only hear the baby's cry come to an abrupt end as mine merely began.
The following night he came again, like every night, but I remained silent. Let him mock me, it's better than… the alternative. But it wasn't. No matter how much I tried to think it was. His words got to me no matter what, and I found it easier to lose myself more and more with each night. I never really liked my father, as we've never even met, even now. But I also never hated him. Until now. And the shadows are still laughing at me.
Tonight is no different. He appears before me and mocks me, same like every night. But I've had enough. I put and end to it, and he won't be able to reach me there. I smile as he preaches me once again, and the darkness knows why. Where it is I'm going, the darkness can't get there. It made me hate my mother, my father, even myself. But there… the darkness wouldn't be able to make me hate anything anymore. I won't have to hate the people most dear to me. It wouldn't be able to reach me.
"You at it again, eh, Onii-san?"
And neither would the light.
My eyes are still closed when he gently take my hands in his, his fingers running down my slit wrists. He feels warm against my skin, and I pray that it's from the loss of blood, and not because our souls come from opposite sides of the heavens.
"How many times are you going to do this to yourself, Onii-san?"
His voice is quiet and as gentle as his touch, yet I can feel his anger. Not at me, mind you. At the darkness that haunts me. At the voices that taunt my fears… and at himself that haunts my every waking hour as well as my dreams.
He skillfully wraps bandages around my hands, a skill that came from many times of doing so. This isn't the first night we've danced like this. How many now? …Too many for me to count.
"Don't hate me… please…"
My voice is hoarse, hardly fitting to be heard by him.
"Hate you?"
I feel warmer as he pulls me close to him, sitting on the blood stained mattress. He runs his slender fingers through my hair, whispering soothing words in my ear. I feel like I'm the younger here… And maybe I should've been. I've never been able to be this gentle with him…
"How can I hate you, Onii-san? When I love you so much?"
My eyes open as though on their own accord for the first time since we've started this dance, and the light almost blinds me… the light from his snow white angel wings.
"Kouji…"
"I'm here, Onii-san. I'm here…"
My angel, my light. Forgive me, darkness. Him alone, I cannot hate.
~Owari~