One Small Step
By Donna
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all; I just do this for my own amusement.
This is a coda to the episode 'One Small Step'. I think that Janeway would be livid with Chakotay after she found out that he had disobeyed her orders. You will also find some references to 'Thirty Days' and 'Tattoo'.
A/N: I tried to keep this in canon, but in the end, I just couldn't do it.
Thanks so much to the wonderful beta by Spazzo. Hope you like the changes I made.
One Small Step
As the captain entered sickbay she noted that Chakotay was already dressed and sitting on a biobed with the Doctor scanning him.
"Doctor, when do you expect Commander Chakotay to be able to return to duty?"
Noting the tense tone in her voice the Doctor wisely decided against the sarcastic remark he had intended to make about the crew engaging in activities that directly led to the need for his interventions. Instead, he simply replied, "After finishing these scans the Commander will be free to return to his quarters. I will clear him for duty in 24 hours, Captain."
"Very well, Doctor. Commander, would you please report to my ready room as soon as the Doctor clears you to return." Without waiting for his reply, she quickly turned and left the room heading for the bridge.
"Aye, Captain," Chakotay, sighed softly.
As he finished his scan, the Doctor looked at Chakotay with compassion. "Perhaps she will have calmed down by then."
"I doubt it, Doc. She has every right to be angry with me. I don't think this is something she's going to overlook. " He sighed again, "Oh well… so Doctor, am I free to go?"
"Yes, Commander, please remember, no strenuous activities, just rest for the next 24 hours."
"Sure, Doc, whatever you say. A long nap sounds pretty good about now." He got down from the bed and with a final tight smile to the doctor, headed for his quarters.
* * * *
The sound of her door chime interrupted Captain Janeway as she read Chakotay's recently finished report on the away mission. Putting down the PADD she called out, "Enter."
The door opened to reveal her First Officer. Stepping into the room just far enough to allow the doors to close, Chakotay stood at attention as he faced his fate. "Reporting as ordered, Captain."
"At ease, Commander." Indicating the chair in front of her desk, she quietly spoke, "Please have a seat."
"I'd really rather stand, if you don't mind, Captain. Could we just get this over with? I know that you are angry with me…"
"Angry?" she interrupted, "You think I'm angry with you?" She leaned forward with her hands on the desk practically skewering the Commander with her glare.
"No, Commander, this goes way beyond angry. When I read Seven's report, I couldn't believe what she said; I thought that surely she misunderstood the situation. Then I read Tom's report, and there it was again. I've just finished reading your report. At least you admitted your responsibility. Nevertheless, that doesn't negate what you did in any way. You disobeyed my orders. You endangered the mission; you risked the lives of everyone on that shuttle. All for what? To satisfy your need to hero worship? What if the shuttle hadn't gotten out in time? What if I had lost all of you? Did you think about what the loss of so many of the senior officers would do to this ship? "
"When Tom disobeyed me, and helped the Moneans, my choice of punishment was intended to make him think about the consequences of his actions. Reducing you in rank and confining you to the brig would be a waste of time since I don't really believe that you need any reminding of responsibility and consequences. What you do need reminding of is that when I issue an order I expect it to be followed by everyone, including you. Your position as my First Officer does not relieve you of your duty to me or this ship and crew. By disobeying my orders, you endangered not only the away team in the shuttle but, in trying to mount a rescue, Voyager was also put in jeopardy. "
She stopped and took a deep breath in order to calm herself. "Do you have anything to say for yourself, Commander?"
"No, Captain. You're absolutely right, I was wrong to do what I did. I'll willingly accept any punishment that you deem appropriate."
She stared at him for a few moments, waiting to see if he would say anything else. "That's it? That's all you're going to say? No explanations, just an acceptance of your punishment?"
"Yes, Captain. What explanation could I possibly have? I disobeyed your orders, I admit it. I have no defense for what I did. You have no recourse but to impose punishment."
She noted the flat inflection in his voice. She realized that he did not intend to argue with her. "Make me understand why you did what you did. Chakotay, I trust you implicitly. When I give you an order I don't even think about whether you will follow it, I simply know that you will. Yes, there are times you have disagreed with me, times that you've even argued with me. Hell, there are times when we've almost come to blows. I'll even admit that, usually, you were right. However, in the end, I knew that I could always count on your Starfleet training and that you would support me when I needed you. Yet, this time you didn't. I need to know why. What did you consider so important that you were willing to risk your life for it? "
Chakotay sighed, "I'm sorry, Captain, I can't give you any explanation. I honestly can't tell you why because I simply don't know myself. Just tell me the consequences and we can have this over and done with."
"Very well," coming to attention she continued, "Commander Chakotay, pursuant to Starfleet regulations, you are charged with disobeying a direct order from a superior officer, gross negligence of duty and purposely endangering the lives of others. As I said earlier, I'm not reducing you in rank or placing you in the brig. Nevertheless, this type of insubordination must be punished, thus you are hereby relieved of duty and confined to quarters for a period of two weeks. You will transfer all of your command codes to Commander Tuvok. Punishment will include loss of all replicator rations for the same period. Perhaps you can use this time to determine a reason for your actions. In addition a record of this proceeding will be placed in your official Starfleet record." As she finished he saw her visibly slump and go to stand near her couch with her back to him. "Do I need to have Tuvok escort you to your quarters?"
"No, that won't be necessary, I'll go directly there." As he turned and headed for the door, he looked back at his captain staring at the passing stars. "For what it's worth, I am sorry for all of this."
"So am I, Chakotay, so am I."
* * * *
Two weeks later Kathryn stood outside Chakotay's door feeling unsure. She hadn't spoken to him during his incarceration and she wasn't sure what her reception would be now. Despite that, she needed desperately to talk to him before he came back on duty tomorrow. So taking a deep breath, she pushed the door chime.
A moment later the door slid open and she saw her First Officer standing in semi-darkness near the viewport.
"Come in, Kathryn."
As she entered she relaxed slightly, he had called her by her name and not her title. She hoped this boded well for a calm and, hopefully, an informative conversation.
"Is this an official visit?"
"Yes and no. I have come to reinstate your rank and position, but I also came to talk. I was hoping for some answers, I still have so many questions." She heard his soft sigh.
"Chakotay, I need to understand why you did it. What was it, about this mission that made you throw caution to the wind and risk all of your lives? Please, Chakotay, please help me to understand."
He turned to look at her. His appearance shocked her; he looked as if he hadn't slept during the past two weeks. He ran a hand through his unkempt hair. She couldn't remember a time, short of being ill or wounded, that he looked so bad.
"I'm not sure I can give you the answers you want, Kathryn. Moreover, what I can give, you may not like. I've done a lot of thinking while in here and the answers that I come up with make me sound like a petulant child who is upset because he not getting enough attention."
"I don't understand. Are you saying that you did this to get attention?" She had a hard time believing that theory. Chakotay just wasn't the type to pout if he didn't get his way. There had been many times when they didn't do something his way. He always accepted her decision and just moved on to the next problem. Was he telling her now that he hadn't really accepted those decisions?
"What I'm saying is that I've become discontent with my life. During the past six years, I have always tried to be the best first officer that I can. At first I truly felt as if I was making a contribution, that you really appreciated my input and you actually needed me…"
"Of course I need you. I did then and I still do now. How can you think differently?"
"Do you, Kathryn?" As he became more agitated, he began to pace the room.
"When was the last time you actually asked my opinion on a command decision? Moreover, when did you last actually take my advice, short of my forcing it on you? No, Kathryn, I've become highly dispensable lately. I can't even enjoy archaeology any longer it seems. Since discovering the Sky Spirits nearly four years ago, I haven't been allowed to do any further field studies, despite my requesting several times. You usually have a good excuse why we can't spend the time, yet we rarely miss any stellar phenomena that you or Seven wish to investigate."
He moved to the couch and sat down. "When we discovered the Ares 4, I became very excited. Here was an opportunity to recover an artifact from Earth's past. The information in the computer alone would be invaluable. And, yes, before you say it, we did in fact gather a huge amount of research data. I've been going through it this past two weeks and I'm thrilled at what we were able to collect. Nevertheless, to have Kelly's module itself, would have been a real achievement."
Kathryn moved to sit beside him on the couch. She had heard the passion in his voice as he talked about the discovery of the Ares 4 module in the anomaly.
She was beginning to realize that she didn't know Chakotay as well as she had thought. That there were sides to him of which she was completely unaware. She knew that archeology was one of his first interests, yet his fervor caught her off guard. She snapped out of her reverie when she realized that he had continued speaking.
"When you ordered us to get out of the anomaly and leave the module behind, my first reaction was that you wouldn't leave it if it was important to you. You'd be willing to risk your life or even the ship to satisfy your curiosity."
She gasped at his harsh words. Is this how he saw her? Did she really throw caution to the wind when conducting her own investigations? When he looked at her, the intensity in his eyes startled her.
"To be honest, when I ordered Tom to tractor the module, I really believed that we would be able to tow it and still make it out in time. However, to be truthful, I was really functioning on adrenaline then. I was angry with you for not allowing me, once again, to do something that was important to me. To put it simply, I was doing it to spite you. At that moment I felt justified in believing that my needs meant nothing to you."
His revelations shook her. She had no idea he felt this way. Her voice, when she spoke was just a whisper. "Do you really believe that? Do you really think that your needs, your wants, don't matter to me?"
He reached over and took her hands. "Of course I don't, Kathryn. It's just that over the past few years, our relationship has become more and more strained. You seem to have drifted away from our friendship and when we are on duty, you keep everything on a strictly professional level. You rarely confide in me anymore and you certainly don't act as if you're interested in my opinion on anything. In fact, the only opinions that do seem to get you excited are Seven's. I understand that she's your personal reclamation project, but if she saves the day, one more time, with those damn nanoprobes, I'm going to shove her out an airlock."
He dropped her hands and arose from the couch. He began pacing around the room, once again running his hand through his hair. "I don't want to sound like a spoiled child, but Kathryn, there are times when you make me feel totally useless, times when you act as if you don't need anyone, except perhaps B'Elanna, and Seven of course. I know this sounds childish, but I'm tired of being ignored."
Kathryn moved to stand behind him. "Chakotay, I'm not sure what to say. I had no idea that you felt this way. You must believe that I never meant to ignore you, or your opinions. Our friendship is very important to me, more than you know. I realize that I have indeed been distant, for which I can't give you any real excuse. I can only say to you that this ship, this crew and especially I, would suffer greatly if not for your presence. The past two weeks, without you beside me, have been utter hell. I would keep turning to your chair, to share something with you, only to remember that you weren't there. I hated having to punish you, but when you were trapped in that anomaly, you can't imagine what I went though. All I could think of was what I would do if you didn't come back. I wasn't thinking of Tom or Seven or Voyager, just you. Do you understand what I'm saying, Chakotay? No one else, just you. So when I found out what you had done, I was furious."
Her voice had risen until she was almost shouting. He turned to her, shocked to hear her words and saw her eyes sparkle with unshed tears. When he moved toward her and enfolded her in his arms, he felt her slight shudder. She took a deep breath and her arms moved to circle his waist.
"Oh, Kathryn, I'm so sorry. I guess I was in fact acting like a spoiled child. I promise never to go against you again… at least not in front of the crew."
He felt her chuckle. She drew back from his embrace just far enough to look him in the eye. "Mister, you ever do anything like that again it won't matter if the crew knows or not. They'll figure it out soon enough when I shove you out an airlock."
His laughter rumbled through her as she returned her cheek to his chest. "So are you sure you want me to come back to work tomorrow?"
Without moving from the comfort of his embrace, she answered. "Oh yes, if I have to put up with Tuvok sitting in your chair one more day I just might jump out an airlock."
"Why, Kathryn, I thought that you and Tuvok had a great working relationship?"
"Oh, we do, we do. It's just that since he took over as First Officer, he disagrees with me even more than you did."
Outside the First Officer's quarter's a crewmember was walking by and was surprised to hear what sound like two voices, one male and one female, laughing heartily.
Finis
By Donna
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all; I just do this for my own amusement.
This is a coda to the episode 'One Small Step'. I think that Janeway would be livid with Chakotay after she found out that he had disobeyed her orders. You will also find some references to 'Thirty Days' and 'Tattoo'.
A/N: I tried to keep this in canon, but in the end, I just couldn't do it.
Thanks so much to the wonderful beta by Spazzo. Hope you like the changes I made.
One Small Step
As the captain entered sickbay she noted that Chakotay was already dressed and sitting on a biobed with the Doctor scanning him.
"Doctor, when do you expect Commander Chakotay to be able to return to duty?"
Noting the tense tone in her voice the Doctor wisely decided against the sarcastic remark he had intended to make about the crew engaging in activities that directly led to the need for his interventions. Instead, he simply replied, "After finishing these scans the Commander will be free to return to his quarters. I will clear him for duty in 24 hours, Captain."
"Very well, Doctor. Commander, would you please report to my ready room as soon as the Doctor clears you to return." Without waiting for his reply, she quickly turned and left the room heading for the bridge.
"Aye, Captain," Chakotay, sighed softly.
As he finished his scan, the Doctor looked at Chakotay with compassion. "Perhaps she will have calmed down by then."
"I doubt it, Doc. She has every right to be angry with me. I don't think this is something she's going to overlook. " He sighed again, "Oh well… so Doctor, am I free to go?"
"Yes, Commander, please remember, no strenuous activities, just rest for the next 24 hours."
"Sure, Doc, whatever you say. A long nap sounds pretty good about now." He got down from the bed and with a final tight smile to the doctor, headed for his quarters.
* * * *
The sound of her door chime interrupted Captain Janeway as she read Chakotay's recently finished report on the away mission. Putting down the PADD she called out, "Enter."
The door opened to reveal her First Officer. Stepping into the room just far enough to allow the doors to close, Chakotay stood at attention as he faced his fate. "Reporting as ordered, Captain."
"At ease, Commander." Indicating the chair in front of her desk, she quietly spoke, "Please have a seat."
"I'd really rather stand, if you don't mind, Captain. Could we just get this over with? I know that you are angry with me…"
"Angry?" she interrupted, "You think I'm angry with you?" She leaned forward with her hands on the desk practically skewering the Commander with her glare.
"No, Commander, this goes way beyond angry. When I read Seven's report, I couldn't believe what she said; I thought that surely she misunderstood the situation. Then I read Tom's report, and there it was again. I've just finished reading your report. At least you admitted your responsibility. Nevertheless, that doesn't negate what you did in any way. You disobeyed my orders. You endangered the mission; you risked the lives of everyone on that shuttle. All for what? To satisfy your need to hero worship? What if the shuttle hadn't gotten out in time? What if I had lost all of you? Did you think about what the loss of so many of the senior officers would do to this ship? "
"When Tom disobeyed me, and helped the Moneans, my choice of punishment was intended to make him think about the consequences of his actions. Reducing you in rank and confining you to the brig would be a waste of time since I don't really believe that you need any reminding of responsibility and consequences. What you do need reminding of is that when I issue an order I expect it to be followed by everyone, including you. Your position as my First Officer does not relieve you of your duty to me or this ship and crew. By disobeying my orders, you endangered not only the away team in the shuttle but, in trying to mount a rescue, Voyager was also put in jeopardy. "
She stopped and took a deep breath in order to calm herself. "Do you have anything to say for yourself, Commander?"
"No, Captain. You're absolutely right, I was wrong to do what I did. I'll willingly accept any punishment that you deem appropriate."
She stared at him for a few moments, waiting to see if he would say anything else. "That's it? That's all you're going to say? No explanations, just an acceptance of your punishment?"
"Yes, Captain. What explanation could I possibly have? I disobeyed your orders, I admit it. I have no defense for what I did. You have no recourse but to impose punishment."
She noted the flat inflection in his voice. She realized that he did not intend to argue with her. "Make me understand why you did what you did. Chakotay, I trust you implicitly. When I give you an order I don't even think about whether you will follow it, I simply know that you will. Yes, there are times you have disagreed with me, times that you've even argued with me. Hell, there are times when we've almost come to blows. I'll even admit that, usually, you were right. However, in the end, I knew that I could always count on your Starfleet training and that you would support me when I needed you. Yet, this time you didn't. I need to know why. What did you consider so important that you were willing to risk your life for it? "
Chakotay sighed, "I'm sorry, Captain, I can't give you any explanation. I honestly can't tell you why because I simply don't know myself. Just tell me the consequences and we can have this over and done with."
"Very well," coming to attention she continued, "Commander Chakotay, pursuant to Starfleet regulations, you are charged with disobeying a direct order from a superior officer, gross negligence of duty and purposely endangering the lives of others. As I said earlier, I'm not reducing you in rank or placing you in the brig. Nevertheless, this type of insubordination must be punished, thus you are hereby relieved of duty and confined to quarters for a period of two weeks. You will transfer all of your command codes to Commander Tuvok. Punishment will include loss of all replicator rations for the same period. Perhaps you can use this time to determine a reason for your actions. In addition a record of this proceeding will be placed in your official Starfleet record." As she finished he saw her visibly slump and go to stand near her couch with her back to him. "Do I need to have Tuvok escort you to your quarters?"
"No, that won't be necessary, I'll go directly there." As he turned and headed for the door, he looked back at his captain staring at the passing stars. "For what it's worth, I am sorry for all of this."
"So am I, Chakotay, so am I."
* * * *
Two weeks later Kathryn stood outside Chakotay's door feeling unsure. She hadn't spoken to him during his incarceration and she wasn't sure what her reception would be now. Despite that, she needed desperately to talk to him before he came back on duty tomorrow. So taking a deep breath, she pushed the door chime.
A moment later the door slid open and she saw her First Officer standing in semi-darkness near the viewport.
"Come in, Kathryn."
As she entered she relaxed slightly, he had called her by her name and not her title. She hoped this boded well for a calm and, hopefully, an informative conversation.
"Is this an official visit?"
"Yes and no. I have come to reinstate your rank and position, but I also came to talk. I was hoping for some answers, I still have so many questions." She heard his soft sigh.
"Chakotay, I need to understand why you did it. What was it, about this mission that made you throw caution to the wind and risk all of your lives? Please, Chakotay, please help me to understand."
He turned to look at her. His appearance shocked her; he looked as if he hadn't slept during the past two weeks. He ran a hand through his unkempt hair. She couldn't remember a time, short of being ill or wounded, that he looked so bad.
"I'm not sure I can give you the answers you want, Kathryn. Moreover, what I can give, you may not like. I've done a lot of thinking while in here and the answers that I come up with make me sound like a petulant child who is upset because he not getting enough attention."
"I don't understand. Are you saying that you did this to get attention?" She had a hard time believing that theory. Chakotay just wasn't the type to pout if he didn't get his way. There had been many times when they didn't do something his way. He always accepted her decision and just moved on to the next problem. Was he telling her now that he hadn't really accepted those decisions?
"What I'm saying is that I've become discontent with my life. During the past six years, I have always tried to be the best first officer that I can. At first I truly felt as if I was making a contribution, that you really appreciated my input and you actually needed me…"
"Of course I need you. I did then and I still do now. How can you think differently?"
"Do you, Kathryn?" As he became more agitated, he began to pace the room.
"When was the last time you actually asked my opinion on a command decision? Moreover, when did you last actually take my advice, short of my forcing it on you? No, Kathryn, I've become highly dispensable lately. I can't even enjoy archaeology any longer it seems. Since discovering the Sky Spirits nearly four years ago, I haven't been allowed to do any further field studies, despite my requesting several times. You usually have a good excuse why we can't spend the time, yet we rarely miss any stellar phenomena that you or Seven wish to investigate."
He moved to the couch and sat down. "When we discovered the Ares 4, I became very excited. Here was an opportunity to recover an artifact from Earth's past. The information in the computer alone would be invaluable. And, yes, before you say it, we did in fact gather a huge amount of research data. I've been going through it this past two weeks and I'm thrilled at what we were able to collect. Nevertheless, to have Kelly's module itself, would have been a real achievement."
Kathryn moved to sit beside him on the couch. She had heard the passion in his voice as he talked about the discovery of the Ares 4 module in the anomaly.
She was beginning to realize that she didn't know Chakotay as well as she had thought. That there were sides to him of which she was completely unaware. She knew that archeology was one of his first interests, yet his fervor caught her off guard. She snapped out of her reverie when she realized that he had continued speaking.
"When you ordered us to get out of the anomaly and leave the module behind, my first reaction was that you wouldn't leave it if it was important to you. You'd be willing to risk your life or even the ship to satisfy your curiosity."
She gasped at his harsh words. Is this how he saw her? Did she really throw caution to the wind when conducting her own investigations? When he looked at her, the intensity in his eyes startled her.
"To be honest, when I ordered Tom to tractor the module, I really believed that we would be able to tow it and still make it out in time. However, to be truthful, I was really functioning on adrenaline then. I was angry with you for not allowing me, once again, to do something that was important to me. To put it simply, I was doing it to spite you. At that moment I felt justified in believing that my needs meant nothing to you."
His revelations shook her. She had no idea he felt this way. Her voice, when she spoke was just a whisper. "Do you really believe that? Do you really think that your needs, your wants, don't matter to me?"
He reached over and took her hands. "Of course I don't, Kathryn. It's just that over the past few years, our relationship has become more and more strained. You seem to have drifted away from our friendship and when we are on duty, you keep everything on a strictly professional level. You rarely confide in me anymore and you certainly don't act as if you're interested in my opinion on anything. In fact, the only opinions that do seem to get you excited are Seven's. I understand that she's your personal reclamation project, but if she saves the day, one more time, with those damn nanoprobes, I'm going to shove her out an airlock."
He dropped her hands and arose from the couch. He began pacing around the room, once again running his hand through his hair. "I don't want to sound like a spoiled child, but Kathryn, there are times when you make me feel totally useless, times when you act as if you don't need anyone, except perhaps B'Elanna, and Seven of course. I know this sounds childish, but I'm tired of being ignored."
Kathryn moved to stand behind him. "Chakotay, I'm not sure what to say. I had no idea that you felt this way. You must believe that I never meant to ignore you, or your opinions. Our friendship is very important to me, more than you know. I realize that I have indeed been distant, for which I can't give you any real excuse. I can only say to you that this ship, this crew and especially I, would suffer greatly if not for your presence. The past two weeks, without you beside me, have been utter hell. I would keep turning to your chair, to share something with you, only to remember that you weren't there. I hated having to punish you, but when you were trapped in that anomaly, you can't imagine what I went though. All I could think of was what I would do if you didn't come back. I wasn't thinking of Tom or Seven or Voyager, just you. Do you understand what I'm saying, Chakotay? No one else, just you. So when I found out what you had done, I was furious."
Her voice had risen until she was almost shouting. He turned to her, shocked to hear her words and saw her eyes sparkle with unshed tears. When he moved toward her and enfolded her in his arms, he felt her slight shudder. She took a deep breath and her arms moved to circle his waist.
"Oh, Kathryn, I'm so sorry. I guess I was in fact acting like a spoiled child. I promise never to go against you again… at least not in front of the crew."
He felt her chuckle. She drew back from his embrace just far enough to look him in the eye. "Mister, you ever do anything like that again it won't matter if the crew knows or not. They'll figure it out soon enough when I shove you out an airlock."
His laughter rumbled through her as she returned her cheek to his chest. "So are you sure you want me to come back to work tomorrow?"
Without moving from the comfort of his embrace, she answered. "Oh yes, if I have to put up with Tuvok sitting in your chair one more day I just might jump out an airlock."
"Why, Kathryn, I thought that you and Tuvok had a great working relationship?"
"Oh, we do, we do. It's just that since he took over as First Officer, he disagrees with me even more than you did."
Outside the First Officer's quarter's a crewmember was walking by and was surprised to hear what sound like two voices, one male and one female, laughing heartily.
Finis