(A/N: Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare: Me trying to be humorous. Don't try and lie and tell me your worst nightmare is something pathetic like flesh-eating zombies. I know the truth. Anyway...go read. And review. Or the lobsters will get you. Oh, and this was written for a contest of Jaganashi's...)
Me and My Muse
or
Scripting Disputes
InsanePenman had been staring at his word processor for quite some time, one finger hovering over the 's' key as he lost pondered over what was going to happen next. He was lost deep within the clutches of the infernal plotbunnies, who had come snapping at his ankles as he prepared to head off for sleep. Instead, he now lingered at his computer, halfway through tormenting poor Kurt Wagner in yet another fic (Why do we always hurt the ones we love?! Why?!)
He'd just about settled his mind on the matter when it started. A faint rattle came from the floor below, undoubtably the sound of the door rattling as some unwanted being tried to force entrance, no doubt planning to remove a few items from the elf-obsessed Penman's abode. The rattling got louder and louder, and then was followed by what sounded quite like swift kicks being administered to the door by a rather upset personage. These continued on for quite sometime, until, at last, whoever was attempting to force entrance kicked a bit too hard and did themself considerable harm.
It was then that Penman heard a single word that shocked him to his very core. The being outside yelped in pain, "Verdammt!" InsanePenman, being eternally desperate to meet his favorite character, immediately rushed form his computer to unlock the door. And now you all know how to break into Penman's house. But, back to our tale.
The writer had just reached the door when, with a bamf, the elfin figure of Nightcrawler appeared in his living room, perched upon his ceiling. The Penman was, to say the least, quite shocked that his hero had actually appeared within his humble home, and, I am sorry to say, came quite close to passing out from the shock. But, then, it is not everyday that fictional characters come to visit us in our very homes, at about two o'clock in the morning.
They stood and stared at each other for a moment, and then, with an inquiring tone, the gentleman mutant said, "InsanePenman?"
To which the author could but respond, "I am."
And, to this, the elfin figure replied, whilst dropping to the floor gracefully, "I have a bone to pick with you." And, with this, Penman did, in fact, pass out from shock, half-believing that some cruel soul had slipped him a controlled substance somewhere along the course of the day. By the time he awoke, the German, being the kind-hearted hero that he was, had settled him comfortably upon the couch.
Much to his surprise, his hallucination wasn't gone. "You're still here?" he inquired worriedly, not letting manners slip despite the fact he was still rather certain he was under the influence of certain drugs.
"Ja," Kurt responded, grinning a small half-smile, "Like I said, I have a bone to pick with you."
Deciding to play along with his fantasy, the Penman responded, "And that would be?"
"Its about a few of your fanfictions. I don't like some parts of them." Kurt replied, speaking in a slow, almost worried manner, since, of course, fanfic writers are amazingly powerful when it comes to their characters. It is dangerous to meddle in the affairs of fanfic writers, for they are they are subtle and quick to write revenge fics. So you can see why Kurt was rather worried.
"What parts?" asked Insane, forestalling righteous indignation until after he'd had time to chat with his idol.
"Well...you killed off my family in Endless Tears, for starters. And you're doing a sequel! You made Amanda cruel and wicked in Blue, Black and Broken Heart, and you pair me up with Kitty in just about all of your fics!" the blue-furred mutant replied, breaking into a rant. InsanePenman smirked a smirk to make some of the greatest smirkers jealous, for he had known those during his time that had quite a way with the smug grin.
"Well...I admit the Amanda thing was screwed up. But every story has to have some angst in it, right? Killing your family was necessary to the plot!" he said with a wide smile.
"You killed the Professor too." Kurt said dryly.
"Necessary for the sequel."
"Well...what about Kitty?" the mutant asked with a deep frown.
"Oh, come now! You can't tell me you never wanted to be...more than friends...with Kitty! You were completely and totally taken with her until Tabitha and Amanda came along!" Penman replied.
"That's not true! Kitty and I are just friends!" Kurt replied harshly.
"You are just friends. Doesn't mean you don't want to be more." the writer said matter-of-factly.
"Well, I don't! I care about Kitty...just as a friend!" the elf said again, his voice filling with anger.
"Whatever you say, fuzzy." Penman shot back with a smirk.
"Well, that is what I say! Now...I also don't like the way this alternate universe fic of yours is going! The way that last chapter looked, you were actually going to have Jean and I as a couple! Scott nearly killed me when he saw I was reading that!" Kurt continued, swiftly changing the subject.
"There are worse Kurt/Jean fics you could've been reading. And it might not be Kurt/Jean. I am really partial to pairing you with Kitty." the ever-so-evil Master of Lobsters replied.
"That's even worse! What if Kitty found me reading yours stuff? She'd think I liked her, and then I'd never be able to look her in the eye again!" Kurt said in a tone of desperation.
"Well...there are worse Kurt/Kitty fics you could be reading. And...on that note...why bother me? I mean, I'm not the only writer that pairs you with Kitty, or even Jean! And I'm not the only elf-torturer, either. I mean, 'Nutter gave you a history of being sexually abused and wrote a Kurt/Kitty fics about it! Why me?" the writer asked in a tone more curious than frustrated.
"That's easy: They write me better than you."
"Awww....crap, I can't argue that one. Not using 'Nutter as an example, anyway..."
The elf smirked, this time, as he said, "So...will you try to fix stuff like that? I need to get back to the Mansion...do you know how long a bus ride between dimensions takes?"
"I wasn't really aware one could take a bus between dimensions..." IP said contemplatively, before asking, "Hey, what about Kitty?"
"What about her? I already told you! We're friends, and I'm happy with it that way! I'm with Amanda, and I don't like Kitty that way!" Kurt ranted, insulted rage back on his face, "And...and....Gott...Fine! So I like Kitty! So I want nothing more every single time I see her than to tell her exactly how I really feel. So I fantasize about her day and night! What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing." IP said with yet another evil grin.
"Good! I'll see you later, then."
And, with that, the elf departed from Penman's home, leaving the door scuffed behind him.
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Kurt woke up stretched out on the sofa, wrapped up in a light blue blanket. The TV was quietly playing the credits to one of his old movies which he'd dozed off to. According to the clock, it was about two thirty in the morning. Popcorn lay scattered on the floor where the bowl had been knocked over in his sleep. The room was, at first glance, uninhabited.
Which is why Kurt nearly jumped out of his skin when a familiar voice behind him said in a half-amused, half-confused tone, "Fuzzy-elf? Has anyone ever told you that you talk in your sleep?"
As Kurt turned around to see a half-awake Kitty, he silently cursed InsanePenman.