Disclaimer: I don't own LoK but I kinda own the feeble Unofficial Soul
Reaver 3 plot (and it's purposely feeble...and stupid)
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Prologue: "The Quest to see if Janos is a Chicken Begins"
Raziel could remember it all like it was just yesterday. As the two reavers met, the reavers stabbed Raziel and almost killed him, really putting a cramp on an otherwise fine day. And then Kain laughed at Raziel and yanked the reaver out, causing Raziel various pains and a stomach cramp, despite not having a stomach. Then Raziel heard some gobbledegook about Hylden and burritos, then Raziel switched into Material Realm and saw the damn wraith blade waiting for him. It felt like all this happened just yesterday, despite it happening just a minute ago.
Then Raziel looked at his wraith blade and had a thought. This meant that there was also a little blue Raziel in the wraith blade too! That meant that there were two of him! And this meant that Raziel could finally live out his life-long dream: To kiss himself. You see, Raziel thought he was so good-looking that he wished that there were two of him, so that way he could kiss himself. And now he could!
"Wow, two of me! I'm not sure I can handle all the man-prettiness!" Raziel exclaimed. Raziel then thought aloud, "Wait a minute! I don't have a bottom jaw! Now I can't French kiss myself!"
Now, in Raziel's own words, Raziel was a sad blue vampire. Raziel, having an ego the size of Mt. Kilimanjaro, had always thought that he was the reason the universe was created. Raziel thought he was the prettiest guy alive...er, dead. So he of course thought that a second him would be heaven. He loved himself so much that he'd make out with himself if there were another him. There is, but unfortunately it's in the form of the wraith blade.
"Man, we are so man-pretty! I bet you have my eyes. I can't stay mad at you, look at your face!" Raziel said to the death bringing wraith blade that had no distinguishing looks whatsoever, "You're everything I ever wanted! Let's hug!"
So Raziel made the dumb mistake of hugging the wraith blade. At first, while he was hugging the wraith blade that was burning his bones, he felt nothing but self-love. Then a few seconds later, I little ditty started playing through his head and it went something like this: AHHHHH, GET THIS FREAKIN THING OFF ME, IT'S SCOLDING MY BEAUTIFUL CHESTNUTS!!! Now take into account, he didn't have chestnuts, but if he did, he would've just burnt them off.
Meanwhile, the wraith blade Raziel couldn't help but wonder how he got stuck with this idiot version of him. And he also wandered why he was stuck on Raziel's arm. He wishes he could be on Raziel's foot, but NO, he just had to be on Raziel's arm, the same arm with the 'I Luv My Daddy' tattoo on it. Oh well, at least he wasn't on Raziel's other arm, the one with the 'I Luv Pride and Prejudice' tattoo. Made Raziel look like a total tart!
"AHHHHH, my chestnuts are burnt off!" Raziel screamed at the top of his lungs like a scared little sissy boy. Raziel didn't even take the time to notice that he didn't have chestnuts anyway, "Oh no, my nuts are burnt off! ...wait, that didn't sound right. Oh well, now I just have to get back to the material realm."
So Raziel started wandering around the room, looking for a planar portal while wishing he had a pocket mirror so that he could preen himself, maybe put the front of his hair up like a cowlick and, if he's lucky, find a pair of star-shaped glasses. Raziel really thought those were cool. After long searching, Raziel finally found a portal in the middle of the room, and when he shifted back to the material realm, no one was there.
"Hey, where is everyone. Who am I gonna look man-pretty to other than me?" Raziel said, lifting up the his arm and turning the wraith blade on, "I mean, I'm here with my man-prettiness wasting away. Wait a minute! I've turned my wraith blade on. So the blade really is aroused! Well, if I can arouse myself, I must be uber-man-pretty. I love myself."
The wraith blade Raziel really hated Raziel. Here, the wraith blade Raziel knew he had a job to do, and all Raziel could do was state how man-pretty he is. And now the moron's thought that he had aroused himself. Whenever Raziel said that he aroused the wraith blade, the wraith blade Raziel really wanted to wring Raziel's neck, but he couldn't, being only a wraith blade. So the wraith blade Raziel decided to calm himself down by quoting Shakespeare. Really, his idiot form couldn't even understand Shakespeare. Wraith blade Raziel never noticed that he sometimes sounded like a total nerd though.
Raziel himself looked around the room he was in and thought about Janos and the first thing that came to Raziel's mind was: 'Janos has wings. Like a chicken. Hey, does that mean that Janos is part chicken!?' And then the second thing that came to Raziel's mind was: 'If I find the Heart of Darkness, I can use it on Janos and ask if he's related to chicken!! I'm smart and man-pretty! I've got it all!'
"Eureka! I'll go find the Heart of Darkness! Now I can revive Janos! Boy, I sure am smart! I'm smart and Kain's stupid! Hey, where'd Kain go anyway?" Raziel asked himself. Then Raziel started walking up some stairs in to head to the balcony because the Heart of Darkness was probably outside by now.
During this time, the wraith blade Raziel was just glad that Raziel wasn't doing anything stupid. A few seconds later, the wraith blade Raziel knew he thought too soon, because Raziel decided to start skipping on his way to the balcony. The wraith blade Raziel could not figure why Raziel started doing this, and just felt remorse for being stuck with such a retard.
On his way to the balcony, Raziel had a good idea. He would start skipping on his way! If he did that, he could pretend that he was a very man-pretty Little Blue Riding Razzy!! But on his way, a Sarafan guard jumped out in front of him. Now Raziel, forgetting that he was, in fact, Raziel and still thinking he was Little Blue Riding Razzy thought that this guard was, in fact, a wolf in disguise. Raziel now thought the he was the smartest being alied to figure this out. Raziel wasn't sure whether he would be counted as alive or dead, so he combined the word and came up with 'alied'.
"AHA!" Raziel cried out, pointing at the guard, "You thought you could fool me, ay WOLF!! I know who you are! You're gonna try to eat my granny!"
The poor guard was so confused. He was just on his way to get a drink of water when this blue dude popped out asking REALLY stupid questions. The guard now couldn't figure out if this blue dude was retarded or just plain stupid. So the guard just decided to ask him.
"Um, excuse me. Are you retar-" the guard didn't get finished because he noticed the blue dude was circling around him, eyeing him carefully, "Are you trying to undress me with your eyes?"
"You would like that, wouldn't ya WOLF!!? Where do you hide your tail!?"
"What?"
"I may be a Little Blue Riding Razzy, but I'm not stupid!! I can tell you're a wolf because you have canine teeth!" cried the possibly brain-dead blue vampire, while pointing at the guards teeth.
"All humans have canines."
"Then all humans must be wolves! Boy, am I smart!" Raziel pronounced proudly.
"Excuse me, are you retarded?"
"No I'm not WOLF! I won't let you eat my grandma!!"
Then, before the guard could tell Raziel how stupid he sounded, Raziel wraith bladed the guard. The Raziel pranced around in a circle, proud of himself for saving his grandma from the big bad wolf, but then he thought of something. If Little Blue Riding Razzy was human, that meant that Little Blue Riding Razzy had canine teeth so that meant that he must be a wolf!! Raziel was now afraid that he himself would try to eat his grandma, so he stuck himself with the wraith blade and died so he went to the spectral realm.
This whole time the wraith blade Raziel would give anything just to get away from this moron version of himself. And when Raziel stabbed himself, the wraith blade Raziel couldn't help but think: 'Why!!? Why do I have to get stuck with this idiot!'
And while Raziel was in deep pain in the Spectral Realm, he then remembered that he is, in fact, Raziel and NOT Little Blue Riding Razzy. Now Raziel couldn't help but feel really really stupid. 'Well,' he thought to himself, 'At least I stopped him from killing any innocent grandmas!' I'd be a few hours till Raziel would realize that he didn't even have a grandma. So now Raziel resolved to find a planar portal and find out once and for all if Janos is part chicken.
"And hey, if he is," Raziel decided, "then I getta eat a little chicken leg! I bet Janos' leg tastes good!"
Is Janos part chicken? Will Raziel ever get over his man-prettiness? Will the wraith balde Raziel ever finally be able to get away from Raziel? Is Raziel really a brain-dead retard? How will bananas fit into all this? All this and more stupid questions will be revealed in upcoming chapters!
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I will still be working on my other fics, but I Love Meat will probably be updated sooner than my parodies because I'm starting to have a problem making my parodies non-crappy, so wish me luck. Oh, and if there's anything else you'd like to see in the actual Soul Reaver 3 game, I'll see if I can put it in this story and make it as stupid as possible. Oh, and don't worry about mentioning Turel, I've already figured out what I'll do with him. Oh, and if you want to e-mail me for whatever reason, send it to MortalSora@aol.com. For some reason, mail can still be sent to MortalK55@aol.com even though I deleted that screen name so I won't be able to respond to MortalK55.
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Prologue: "The Quest to see if Janos is a Chicken Begins"
Raziel could remember it all like it was just yesterday. As the two reavers met, the reavers stabbed Raziel and almost killed him, really putting a cramp on an otherwise fine day. And then Kain laughed at Raziel and yanked the reaver out, causing Raziel various pains and a stomach cramp, despite not having a stomach. Then Raziel heard some gobbledegook about Hylden and burritos, then Raziel switched into Material Realm and saw the damn wraith blade waiting for him. It felt like all this happened just yesterday, despite it happening just a minute ago.
Then Raziel looked at his wraith blade and had a thought. This meant that there was also a little blue Raziel in the wraith blade too! That meant that there were two of him! And this meant that Raziel could finally live out his life-long dream: To kiss himself. You see, Raziel thought he was so good-looking that he wished that there were two of him, so that way he could kiss himself. And now he could!
"Wow, two of me! I'm not sure I can handle all the man-prettiness!" Raziel exclaimed. Raziel then thought aloud, "Wait a minute! I don't have a bottom jaw! Now I can't French kiss myself!"
Now, in Raziel's own words, Raziel was a sad blue vampire. Raziel, having an ego the size of Mt. Kilimanjaro, had always thought that he was the reason the universe was created. Raziel thought he was the prettiest guy alive...er, dead. So he of course thought that a second him would be heaven. He loved himself so much that he'd make out with himself if there were another him. There is, but unfortunately it's in the form of the wraith blade.
"Man, we are so man-pretty! I bet you have my eyes. I can't stay mad at you, look at your face!" Raziel said to the death bringing wraith blade that had no distinguishing looks whatsoever, "You're everything I ever wanted! Let's hug!"
So Raziel made the dumb mistake of hugging the wraith blade. At first, while he was hugging the wraith blade that was burning his bones, he felt nothing but self-love. Then a few seconds later, I little ditty started playing through his head and it went something like this: AHHHHH, GET THIS FREAKIN THING OFF ME, IT'S SCOLDING MY BEAUTIFUL CHESTNUTS!!! Now take into account, he didn't have chestnuts, but if he did, he would've just burnt them off.
Meanwhile, the wraith blade Raziel couldn't help but wonder how he got stuck with this idiot version of him. And he also wandered why he was stuck on Raziel's arm. He wishes he could be on Raziel's foot, but NO, he just had to be on Raziel's arm, the same arm with the 'I Luv My Daddy' tattoo on it. Oh well, at least he wasn't on Raziel's other arm, the one with the 'I Luv Pride and Prejudice' tattoo. Made Raziel look like a total tart!
"AHHHHH, my chestnuts are burnt off!" Raziel screamed at the top of his lungs like a scared little sissy boy. Raziel didn't even take the time to notice that he didn't have chestnuts anyway, "Oh no, my nuts are burnt off! ...wait, that didn't sound right. Oh well, now I just have to get back to the material realm."
So Raziel started wandering around the room, looking for a planar portal while wishing he had a pocket mirror so that he could preen himself, maybe put the front of his hair up like a cowlick and, if he's lucky, find a pair of star-shaped glasses. Raziel really thought those were cool. After long searching, Raziel finally found a portal in the middle of the room, and when he shifted back to the material realm, no one was there.
"Hey, where is everyone. Who am I gonna look man-pretty to other than me?" Raziel said, lifting up the his arm and turning the wraith blade on, "I mean, I'm here with my man-prettiness wasting away. Wait a minute! I've turned my wraith blade on. So the blade really is aroused! Well, if I can arouse myself, I must be uber-man-pretty. I love myself."
The wraith blade Raziel really hated Raziel. Here, the wraith blade Raziel knew he had a job to do, and all Raziel could do was state how man-pretty he is. And now the moron's thought that he had aroused himself. Whenever Raziel said that he aroused the wraith blade, the wraith blade Raziel really wanted to wring Raziel's neck, but he couldn't, being only a wraith blade. So the wraith blade Raziel decided to calm himself down by quoting Shakespeare. Really, his idiot form couldn't even understand Shakespeare. Wraith blade Raziel never noticed that he sometimes sounded like a total nerd though.
Raziel himself looked around the room he was in and thought about Janos and the first thing that came to Raziel's mind was: 'Janos has wings. Like a chicken. Hey, does that mean that Janos is part chicken!?' And then the second thing that came to Raziel's mind was: 'If I find the Heart of Darkness, I can use it on Janos and ask if he's related to chicken!! I'm smart and man-pretty! I've got it all!'
"Eureka! I'll go find the Heart of Darkness! Now I can revive Janos! Boy, I sure am smart! I'm smart and Kain's stupid! Hey, where'd Kain go anyway?" Raziel asked himself. Then Raziel started walking up some stairs in to head to the balcony because the Heart of Darkness was probably outside by now.
During this time, the wraith blade Raziel was just glad that Raziel wasn't doing anything stupid. A few seconds later, the wraith blade Raziel knew he thought too soon, because Raziel decided to start skipping on his way to the balcony. The wraith blade Raziel could not figure why Raziel started doing this, and just felt remorse for being stuck with such a retard.
On his way to the balcony, Raziel had a good idea. He would start skipping on his way! If he did that, he could pretend that he was a very man-pretty Little Blue Riding Razzy!! But on his way, a Sarafan guard jumped out in front of him. Now Raziel, forgetting that he was, in fact, Raziel and still thinking he was Little Blue Riding Razzy thought that this guard was, in fact, a wolf in disguise. Raziel now thought the he was the smartest being alied to figure this out. Raziel wasn't sure whether he would be counted as alive or dead, so he combined the word and came up with 'alied'.
"AHA!" Raziel cried out, pointing at the guard, "You thought you could fool me, ay WOLF!! I know who you are! You're gonna try to eat my granny!"
The poor guard was so confused. He was just on his way to get a drink of water when this blue dude popped out asking REALLY stupid questions. The guard now couldn't figure out if this blue dude was retarded or just plain stupid. So the guard just decided to ask him.
"Um, excuse me. Are you retar-" the guard didn't get finished because he noticed the blue dude was circling around him, eyeing him carefully, "Are you trying to undress me with your eyes?"
"You would like that, wouldn't ya WOLF!!? Where do you hide your tail!?"
"What?"
"I may be a Little Blue Riding Razzy, but I'm not stupid!! I can tell you're a wolf because you have canine teeth!" cried the possibly brain-dead blue vampire, while pointing at the guards teeth.
"All humans have canines."
"Then all humans must be wolves! Boy, am I smart!" Raziel pronounced proudly.
"Excuse me, are you retarded?"
"No I'm not WOLF! I won't let you eat my grandma!!"
Then, before the guard could tell Raziel how stupid he sounded, Raziel wraith bladed the guard. The Raziel pranced around in a circle, proud of himself for saving his grandma from the big bad wolf, but then he thought of something. If Little Blue Riding Razzy was human, that meant that Little Blue Riding Razzy had canine teeth so that meant that he must be a wolf!! Raziel was now afraid that he himself would try to eat his grandma, so he stuck himself with the wraith blade and died so he went to the spectral realm.
This whole time the wraith blade Raziel would give anything just to get away from this moron version of himself. And when Raziel stabbed himself, the wraith blade Raziel couldn't help but think: 'Why!!? Why do I have to get stuck with this idiot!'
And while Raziel was in deep pain in the Spectral Realm, he then remembered that he is, in fact, Raziel and NOT Little Blue Riding Razzy. Now Raziel couldn't help but feel really really stupid. 'Well,' he thought to himself, 'At least I stopped him from killing any innocent grandmas!' I'd be a few hours till Raziel would realize that he didn't even have a grandma. So now Raziel resolved to find a planar portal and find out once and for all if Janos is part chicken.
"And hey, if he is," Raziel decided, "then I getta eat a little chicken leg! I bet Janos' leg tastes good!"
Is Janos part chicken? Will Raziel ever get over his man-prettiness? Will the wraith balde Raziel ever finally be able to get away from Raziel? Is Raziel really a brain-dead retard? How will bananas fit into all this? All this and more stupid questions will be revealed in upcoming chapters!
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I will still be working on my other fics, but I Love Meat will probably be updated sooner than my parodies because I'm starting to have a problem making my parodies non-crappy, so wish me luck. Oh, and if there's anything else you'd like to see in the actual Soul Reaver 3 game, I'll see if I can put it in this story and make it as stupid as possible. Oh, and don't worry about mentioning Turel, I've already figured out what I'll do with him. Oh, and if you want to e-mail me for whatever reason, send it to MortalSora@aol.com. For some reason, mail can still be sent to MortalK55@aol.com even though I deleted that screen name so I won't be able to respond to MortalK55.