Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters but I do own the really
stupid plot
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Chapter 1: "The Second Stupidest Vampire Ever"
Raziel blinked a few times in Material Realm. As soon as he had shifted back after killing himself, he realized something was different. He wasn't in the sanctuary of the clans anymore. Instead he was on a...beach? Raziel looked around and found sand on the ground. It was the beach all right because he remembered that once he went to the beach and jumped head- first into the ocean. That was a very bad idea. And a stupid idea. Oh well, a least he wasn't stupid enough to go skinny-dipping like his more-idiotic brother Zephon.
Raziel looked into the horizon and saw someone running towards him. At first Raziel didn't recognize the person, but then Raziel recognized the person clearly. It was the person that Raziel longed for and loved more than anyone. As soon as Raziel saw this other person running towards him from the horizon, Raziel recognized the beauty. As soon as Raziel saw this beautiful angel of a person, Raziel immediately wanted the beautiful person. Raziel wanted to ravish this person, make the person happy. Raziel wanted to make out with this person, wanted to get freaky and have a relationship with this beautiful, dazzling, gorgeous person. Raziel ran to the person and they were within feet of each other and they knew they were made for each other. And it's really pathetic because this beautiful, pretty person that Raziel saw was...an exact clone of himself.
Raziel ran up and embraced his clone while his clone cried from happiness because the clone had met the most man-pretty vampire in the world and Raziel himself also cried because he had found that other most man-pretty vampire in the world. Soon they were frolicking together and taking long walks on the beach together where Raziel would pick up a flower and give it to his clone and his clone would think it was so romantic and sweet. And then his clone would recite poetry and it would just wow Raziel. Raziel had found his true soul-mate. And that soul-mate was his clone. Him and his clone would hug, cuddle, and most disturbingly, they got in bed together. And stuff happened. Yes, you just read that.
"Raziel, I love you!" Raziel exclaimed to his clone.
"I love you too! You are my one true love!"
"I don't want to be with anyone else!" Raziel cried with joy. "I love you more than anyone!"
"Me too! Let's do more!"
Raziel was really excited about this, but then something horrible happened. Raziel blinked. And after he blinked, he was back at the sanctuary of the clans. The whole thing with Raziel and his clone was just a dream! Then Raziel broke down on the floor and cried. It wasn't fair! He had found his soul-mate! He had found the most man-pretty and beautiful person he could ever find! And it was only a dream!
As Raziel headed for the balcony, he longed for the beauty from his dream. He longed to be with his clone. It was painful for him to be without his love. He hated every moment that went by without his clone, he wanted to see his clone again. Explain to his clone that the problems of the blue dudes didn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy Nosgoth.
On the way to the balcony, Raziel couldn't help but think about how romantic the time that he shared with his one true love was. But just then, a Sarafan jumped out and threatened him. Raziel didn't notice because he was busy thinking of romantic poems to tell his true love next time he met his clone in his dreams. Finally, Raziel noticed the Sarafan when the Sarafan jammed its stick into Raziel.
"Hey, you're a Sarafan! Do you know anything about love?!" Raziel pleaded to the Sarafan, hoping he could help with Raziel's romantic life with his clone.
"Um, I'm just here to kill you."
"Why from won window breaks? Why from ground crack'd? Why refrain'd from love?!"
"What the hell are you talking about!!?"
"I miss my love!! How come there's just you here? What about the other Sarafan? Where are they? And Moebius?"
"I'm the only one left. Moebius went off to model for Calvin Klein underwear."
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Then after getting an extremely disturbing image in his mind he started smacking his head on the ground repeatedly trying to get the image out of his head. He even went as far as stealing soap and rubbing it in his eyes, but that just hurt so it was a stupid idea. So instead Raziel stole a walnut cracker from the Sarafan and started trying to crack his own head but that just hurt too. Raziel couldn't figure out why he kept getting hurt though.
So Raziel did the only sensible thing. He stabbed himself in the eyes with chalk. Okay, so that was a totally stupid and un-sensible thing, but Raziel thought it would have been a good idea. Then Raziel thought about his true love (his clone) as modeling and he was all better again. Then he killed the Sarafan.
So on Raziel went till he reached the balcony and looked down to see ice. Raziel wandered what kind of sound he'd make if he absent-belly flopped down onto the ice. Raziel thought it would make a 'SPLAT' sound, so the incredibly stupid vampire absent-belly flopped from the balcony to the ice. And worst of all it made a 'PLONK' sound. Well, after Raziel absent- belly flopped and landed, both his legs were broken. But worst of all, Raziel wasn't satisfied with the falling sound so Raziel got up, ran to the balcony and tried again. This time when Raziel leaped, he wiggled like a fish out of water and landed, broke both his arms, and made a 'PATOOIE' sound. Once again he wasn't satisfied, so he ran back up, jumped off and was making many different shapes. But this time when he landed he did make a 'SPLAT' sound and almost broke his head. And when Raziel stood up, he immediately landed. He just now noticed the pain.
"Shit...take. See, I said shitake so I didn't curse! Hey, I wonder if my right leg is broken!" So Raziel took a heavy boulder and dropped it on his right leg. "OWIE!! Yep, my right leg is broken! Hey, I wonder about my left." So Raziel, the truly stupid, dropped a cow on his left leg. Guess what? It hurt. "THAT LEG HURTS TOO!"
So Raziel the Stupid limped away from the ice, pleased that he didn't make a fool of himself. Then he saw the fire reaver font. He was about to be stupid again. He walked over to it and imbued his reaver with the fire font so that the reaver became a fire reaver. Raziel, bless his stupid self, thought now that his arm was on fire.
Raziel then ran around in endless circles thinking that he was on fire and screaming like a little wuss. Raziel truly believed that he was on fire. So he dumped his hand in water and when he lifted his hand out, he was still on 'fire'. So Raziel ran in endless circles screaming about being on fire and also screaming about the unfairness of bovines not being able to vote. This went on for almost an hour before Raziel finally realized that he wasn't in any pain...at all. Then he felt victorious because Raziel thought that since he wasn't in pain, that he put the fire out using the power of his mind.
The Wraith Blade Raziel was sick and tired of getting stuck with stupid. Raziel had been running around like a chicken with its head cut off even though Raziel wasn't in even the slightest amount of pain. And Raziel's stupid running about was getting annoying because Wraith Blade Raziel was imagining that he was watching Sanford and Son. So Wraith Blade Raziel finally got fed up with Raziel's stupidity and tried to stab Raziel in the groin, but missed. This set off another really stupid idea in Raziel's mind.
When Raziel was almost stabbed in the groin, he dodged. But you must remember, Raziel is the second most stupid vampire ever, so Raziel forgot that he didn't have skin. So Raziel looked to his groin to see if he was okay, but didn't see anything but his blue self. So Raziel the Stupid came up with only one rational explanation. Someone stole his testicles in his sleep. He was furious about this. So when Raziel was on his way to the Pillars, he questioned everyone on his way. Here's an example:
Raziel was walking along on that grassy path. Then he saw a Sarafan and ran up to him and lifted him by the collar.
"Did you steal my testicles!?" Raziel roared. The Sarafan just looked at Raziel like Raziel was a total retard, then the Sarafan laughed himself to death. Raziel couldn't figure out why this was funny. "If you stole my testicles I'll kill you!!"
So Raziel continued on, questioning everyone he found making them laugh themselves to death. Raziel was furious and couldn't figure out what was so funny. Even so, he WAS smarter than his brother Zephon.
Will Raziel find out that his stupid self hasn't had skin for a while? Is Zephon more stupid than Raziel? (the answer to that one is yes) and where do bananas fit into all of this? Read on my viewers, read on!
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There, another chapter in this incredibly stupid story. But by this rate, LoK: Defiance will be out before I get done with this! But all that I'm writing could happen...right? Heh, didn't think so either.
Chapter 1: "The Second Stupidest Vampire Ever"
Raziel blinked a few times in Material Realm. As soon as he had shifted back after killing himself, he realized something was different. He wasn't in the sanctuary of the clans anymore. Instead he was on a...beach? Raziel looked around and found sand on the ground. It was the beach all right because he remembered that once he went to the beach and jumped head- first into the ocean. That was a very bad idea. And a stupid idea. Oh well, a least he wasn't stupid enough to go skinny-dipping like his more-idiotic brother Zephon.
Raziel looked into the horizon and saw someone running towards him. At first Raziel didn't recognize the person, but then Raziel recognized the person clearly. It was the person that Raziel longed for and loved more than anyone. As soon as Raziel saw this other person running towards him from the horizon, Raziel recognized the beauty. As soon as Raziel saw this beautiful angel of a person, Raziel immediately wanted the beautiful person. Raziel wanted to ravish this person, make the person happy. Raziel wanted to make out with this person, wanted to get freaky and have a relationship with this beautiful, dazzling, gorgeous person. Raziel ran to the person and they were within feet of each other and they knew they were made for each other. And it's really pathetic because this beautiful, pretty person that Raziel saw was...an exact clone of himself.
Raziel ran up and embraced his clone while his clone cried from happiness because the clone had met the most man-pretty vampire in the world and Raziel himself also cried because he had found that other most man-pretty vampire in the world. Soon they were frolicking together and taking long walks on the beach together where Raziel would pick up a flower and give it to his clone and his clone would think it was so romantic and sweet. And then his clone would recite poetry and it would just wow Raziel. Raziel had found his true soul-mate. And that soul-mate was his clone. Him and his clone would hug, cuddle, and most disturbingly, they got in bed together. And stuff happened. Yes, you just read that.
"Raziel, I love you!" Raziel exclaimed to his clone.
"I love you too! You are my one true love!"
"I don't want to be with anyone else!" Raziel cried with joy. "I love you more than anyone!"
"Me too! Let's do more!"
Raziel was really excited about this, but then something horrible happened. Raziel blinked. And after he blinked, he was back at the sanctuary of the clans. The whole thing with Raziel and his clone was just a dream! Then Raziel broke down on the floor and cried. It wasn't fair! He had found his soul-mate! He had found the most man-pretty and beautiful person he could ever find! And it was only a dream!
As Raziel headed for the balcony, he longed for the beauty from his dream. He longed to be with his clone. It was painful for him to be without his love. He hated every moment that went by without his clone, he wanted to see his clone again. Explain to his clone that the problems of the blue dudes didn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy Nosgoth.
On the way to the balcony, Raziel couldn't help but think about how romantic the time that he shared with his one true love was. But just then, a Sarafan jumped out and threatened him. Raziel didn't notice because he was busy thinking of romantic poems to tell his true love next time he met his clone in his dreams. Finally, Raziel noticed the Sarafan when the Sarafan jammed its stick into Raziel.
"Hey, you're a Sarafan! Do you know anything about love?!" Raziel pleaded to the Sarafan, hoping he could help with Raziel's romantic life with his clone.
"Um, I'm just here to kill you."
"Why from won window breaks? Why from ground crack'd? Why refrain'd from love?!"
"What the hell are you talking about!!?"
"I miss my love!! How come there's just you here? What about the other Sarafan? Where are they? And Moebius?"
"I'm the only one left. Moebius went off to model for Calvin Klein underwear."
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Then after getting an extremely disturbing image in his mind he started smacking his head on the ground repeatedly trying to get the image out of his head. He even went as far as stealing soap and rubbing it in his eyes, but that just hurt so it was a stupid idea. So instead Raziel stole a walnut cracker from the Sarafan and started trying to crack his own head but that just hurt too. Raziel couldn't figure out why he kept getting hurt though.
So Raziel did the only sensible thing. He stabbed himself in the eyes with chalk. Okay, so that was a totally stupid and un-sensible thing, but Raziel thought it would have been a good idea. Then Raziel thought about his true love (his clone) as modeling and he was all better again. Then he killed the Sarafan.
So on Raziel went till he reached the balcony and looked down to see ice. Raziel wandered what kind of sound he'd make if he absent-belly flopped down onto the ice. Raziel thought it would make a 'SPLAT' sound, so the incredibly stupid vampire absent-belly flopped from the balcony to the ice. And worst of all it made a 'PLONK' sound. Well, after Raziel absent- belly flopped and landed, both his legs were broken. But worst of all, Raziel wasn't satisfied with the falling sound so Raziel got up, ran to the balcony and tried again. This time when Raziel leaped, he wiggled like a fish out of water and landed, broke both his arms, and made a 'PATOOIE' sound. Once again he wasn't satisfied, so he ran back up, jumped off and was making many different shapes. But this time when he landed he did make a 'SPLAT' sound and almost broke his head. And when Raziel stood up, he immediately landed. He just now noticed the pain.
"Shit...take. See, I said shitake so I didn't curse! Hey, I wonder if my right leg is broken!" So Raziel took a heavy boulder and dropped it on his right leg. "OWIE!! Yep, my right leg is broken! Hey, I wonder about my left." So Raziel, the truly stupid, dropped a cow on his left leg. Guess what? It hurt. "THAT LEG HURTS TOO!"
So Raziel the Stupid limped away from the ice, pleased that he didn't make a fool of himself. Then he saw the fire reaver font. He was about to be stupid again. He walked over to it and imbued his reaver with the fire font so that the reaver became a fire reaver. Raziel, bless his stupid self, thought now that his arm was on fire.
Raziel then ran around in endless circles thinking that he was on fire and screaming like a little wuss. Raziel truly believed that he was on fire. So he dumped his hand in water and when he lifted his hand out, he was still on 'fire'. So Raziel ran in endless circles screaming about being on fire and also screaming about the unfairness of bovines not being able to vote. This went on for almost an hour before Raziel finally realized that he wasn't in any pain...at all. Then he felt victorious because Raziel thought that since he wasn't in pain, that he put the fire out using the power of his mind.
The Wraith Blade Raziel was sick and tired of getting stuck with stupid. Raziel had been running around like a chicken with its head cut off even though Raziel wasn't in even the slightest amount of pain. And Raziel's stupid running about was getting annoying because Wraith Blade Raziel was imagining that he was watching Sanford and Son. So Wraith Blade Raziel finally got fed up with Raziel's stupidity and tried to stab Raziel in the groin, but missed. This set off another really stupid idea in Raziel's mind.
When Raziel was almost stabbed in the groin, he dodged. But you must remember, Raziel is the second most stupid vampire ever, so Raziel forgot that he didn't have skin. So Raziel looked to his groin to see if he was okay, but didn't see anything but his blue self. So Raziel the Stupid came up with only one rational explanation. Someone stole his testicles in his sleep. He was furious about this. So when Raziel was on his way to the Pillars, he questioned everyone on his way. Here's an example:
Raziel was walking along on that grassy path. Then he saw a Sarafan and ran up to him and lifted him by the collar.
"Did you steal my testicles!?" Raziel roared. The Sarafan just looked at Raziel like Raziel was a total retard, then the Sarafan laughed himself to death. Raziel couldn't figure out why this was funny. "If you stole my testicles I'll kill you!!"
So Raziel continued on, questioning everyone he found making them laugh themselves to death. Raziel was furious and couldn't figure out what was so funny. Even so, he WAS smarter than his brother Zephon.
Will Raziel find out that his stupid self hasn't had skin for a while? Is Zephon more stupid than Raziel? (the answer to that one is yes) and where do bananas fit into all of this? Read on my viewers, read on!
______________________________________________________________________
There, another chapter in this incredibly stupid story. But by this rate, LoK: Defiance will be out before I get done with this! But all that I'm writing could happen...right? Heh, didn't think so either.