Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters
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A/N: I don't know why I take so long to update but here's a new chapter.
Chapter 2: And Now For Something Completely Disturbing...
The fish that lived in the stream that led to the Pillars had always led a fairly normal life with the exception of this one big fat fish named Guacabergmerson who swallowed two and a half Dumahims, but no one cared about him. But the point is, ever since the vampires invaded, fish had become the second smartest creatures in Nosgoth cause all the vampires were incredibly stupid. I mean, come on, these vampires would play in sprinklers then die from the water. This was before the vampires figured out that water equals death. It took the vampires 60 years before they finally figured out that water made them burn. Vampires were a truly stupid race.
Well, an innocent little fish that was swimming in the stream that led to the Pillars was just about to find out just how stupid these vampires are. This innocent fish was watching this blue thing walk towards the stream. The weird thing was that this blue thing had on long brown pants, a long brown buttoned-up jacket, a brown bowler hat, and has a smoking pipe glued to its upper jaw. This blue thing wearing brown clothes picked up the innocent fish, took out a magnifying glass, and looked up the innocent fishes nose. Then the blue thing threw the innocent fish back into the stream and walked away. Vampires really were an odd bunch.
Inspector Razzy was on the case! Poor Raziel was still looking for his testicles and had yet to figure out he didn't even have ANY skin. But then Raziel had, what he liked to call, a "Brilliant Plan!" Raziel didn't have anyone to tell his "Brilliant Plan" (copyright) to, so he decided to pester his Wraith Blade self by telling it his plan. But as soon as Wraith Blade Raziel heard his idiotic version say the words "Brilliant Plan" (copyright) and Raziel's name in the same sentence, Wraith Blade Raziel knew to just tune out because the plan was bound to be stupid. And it was.
Raziel's plan was to dress like that brilliant mastermind Sherlock Holmes, who could solve any case. Ya see, Raziel thought that if he dressed like Sherlock Holmes, that he'd gain Sherlock Holmes' intelligence. Well, Raziel did dress like Sherlock Holmes, but instead of feeling smarter, he could swear he actually felt a bit dumber instead. Yes, believe it or not, Raziel could get dumber without becoming as idiotic as his brother Zephon. More on Zephon's ignorance later. And if you're asking where Raziel would get Sherlock Holmes clothes from I'll tell you. Raziel had been walking around the path that led to the Pillars, but on his way, he stopped at an outhouse, which Raziel mistook for a banana. When he went over to the toilet, he peered in and saw that something was clogging the toilet. Then he could either choose yes to unclogging the toilet or no. For some moronic reason, he choose to. Raziel was always fascinated by toilets. How did they work? Where did the wastes go? Could you flush yourself down a toilet like a water slide? Raziel found that last one out the hard way. Anyway, once Raziel unclogged the toilet, he found that the toilet was clogged up by a Sherlock Holmes costume, which was a stroke of luck because he just happened to need one. And that was why he was walking around dressed like Sherlock Holmes and smelling of sewage.
Meanwhile, Wraith Blade Raziel was just pretending that NONE of this was happening and was also hoping that Idiot Raziel's arm would get cut off so that Wraith Blade Raziel would be free of Idiot Raziel's stupidity. Sure, Wraith Blade Raziel might be killed for good if he's separated from Idiot Raziel, but that was a risk Wraith Blade Raziel was willing to take.
After searching the fish's nostrils, Inspector Raziel just continued on saddened, cause he thought for sure that that's where his testicles would've been. Then Raziel saw an innocent human walking his way and Raziel rushed up to the human, punched him, took off the human's shoe, and looked in it. Nope, they're not in there.
"Um, what the hell do you want?" asked the bewildered human.
"I'm looking for something!" yelled the blue vampire who was about as smart as a constipated weasel.
"Then look in the Lost & Found basket that's next to the doors that leads to the Pillars," offered the human.
"ABSOlutely!" Raziel had forgotten all about the Lost & Found basket!
"What are you looking for, anyway?" asked the human who worked for Moebius, who was currently modeling Moebius Klein underwear.
"Oh, I'm just looking for my testicles. I seem to have misplaced them," Raziel casually replied, as if losing them were an everyday occurrence. Then to Raziel's dismay, the human laughed himself to death. Raziel was furious. "WHAT'S SO DAMN FUNNY!?"
Then, on his way to the Lost & Found basket, Raziel found a...block. Some people say that Raziel was driven plain stupid because of the maddening effect block puzzles had on him. Others just say he's retarded. And his loving father Kain just said, in these exact words: "He's a stupid wacko." So Raziel went over to the block lifted it up, looked under, and after finding nothing, Raziel put the block back down and kicked it in rage, breaking his foot in the process. But luckily for Raziel, he was too stupid to be able to acknowledge the pain sensors. Raziel went on.
After a long walk, Raziel finally reached the Lost & Found basket and he looked in it and started throwing things out, looking for his treasures. While looking through the Lost & Found basket, he found a collection of weird thing, some of which are: a cactus, a bowling pin, a sharpie, a set of twin blades, a penguin, a tire, an eaten grape vine, a DIY paradox kit (copywrong), a Great Stick, a banana peel, a donut hole, a duck costume, a COAD, a lawn-mower, a retractor, a free glucose meter among other oddities. But Raziel also found a blender. Ahh, a blender. It quite logically reminded him of a particular flashback from when Kain took the Lieutenants on a field trip to a bathroom.
*Flashback Begins*
Kain and his lieutenants had finally arrived at the men's bathroom! Kain had promised to take his lieutenants on an exciting and uberdy-duberdy fun field trip, so just to piss them off, he took them to a bathroom. He loved being cruel. Unfortunately, his stupidest son Zephon found a field trip to a men's bathroom quite exciting. While the lieutenants wandered around the bathroom disappointed (except Zephon who was having a fun time flushing the toilets and giggling in glee), Kain smirked at it was. It was so much FUN being mean.
"This place sucks!! Kain, why did you take us to this stupid, crappy place! You suck!!" yelled Dumah to Kain.
Kain retorted by saying, "Don't you dare say that to me, Raziel!! Don't you dare say I suck, Raziel!! Raziel, you are grounded for being rude!"
Raziel just stared at Kain, fuming. Kain always blamed everything on Raziel cause he thought Raziel was a goody-two shoes. Dumah broke the silence, "Wow, I'm having fun on this vacation now! Hehehehehe!"
Just then Zephon rushed out of one of the bathrooms and was jump up and down excited like a puppy who had just seen their owners that had been gone for a week. Zephon was jumping up and down excited, pointing to a pack of unused, unopened condoms. "Looky, looky!" Zephon exclaimed, "It's some balloons!!"
The lieutenants and Kain were just staring at Zephon's innocent ignorance, slack-jawed. Sure, they knew Zephon was an idiot, but this was just sad. Kain told the other lieutenants that their next field trip was to a mental institution. But Dumah did brake the silence, taking advantage of Zephon's ignorance. "Hey, see if you can fit the balloon on your head!"
*Flashback Ends*
Ahh, memories. Now I know you're wondering "How the hell does a blender logically remind Raziel of that trip?" Well, there is no way it's logical, but Raziel thought it was logical so we all know it won't make any sense. Raziel also found a backpack in the Lost & Found basket and put the blender in it, as well as the cactus, the bowling pin, the set of twin blades, the penguin, the DIY paradox kit (copywrong), the retractor, the free glucose meter, and a pair of tweezers that he found.
Raziel went through the doors and went to the base of the Pillars are found, what he liked to call, a not-a-Kain. Raziel looked down to the person's legs and they were long, clean-shaves, smooth and silky, definitely a woman's legs. They were the most beautiful pair of legs he had ever seen. He looked up from the woman's legs and saw a plaid skirt that went barely past the waist, so Raziel wasn't able to tell if there was anything under the dress. Then Raziel looked up further and got the shock of his life, so shocking that he almost had a missing-heart attack. The thing he was looking at wasn't a woman. The thing he was looking at had a pink, sleeveless sweat shirt, just like the type that Richard Simmons wore. Then when Raziel looked at the face, he was horrified. It WAS Kain!!
"I THOUGHT YOUR LEGS WERE SEXY!! EWW!! I FELL DIRTY!!"
Raziel was horrified looking at Kain who had legs that looked like they belong to the sexiest woman in the world, a really short skirt which Raziel now hoped had something underneath, had a Richard Simmons shirt, and this all belonged to Kain.
"Like me new look?" asked a pleading Kain.
Raziel done the only thing he could've done. He screamed and then screamed and then screamed one more 'gain at Kain's appearance, then he ran to a corner, curled into a ball, and shifted realms. So then, while in Spectral Realm, Raziel took the penguin out of his backpack and squeezed it for comfort. Well, at least Kain didn't look as disturbing as Zephon did when he dressed as Tarzan...
_____________________________________________________________________
Yes, I updated! I know you're thinking 'About damn time!' Well, sorry. It took me FOREVER to finally come up with a way to begin this chapter. I ended up coming up with ideas spontaneously (which is the way most a my ideas come up). So don't worry, I won't abandon this fic. It's just updates may take a while because my best ideas come up spontaneously. Well, hope you enjoyed this fic and the next chapter will be out: when it's done! Don't forget to review!
_______________________________________________________________________
A/N: I don't know why I take so long to update but here's a new chapter.
Chapter 2: And Now For Something Completely Disturbing...
The fish that lived in the stream that led to the Pillars had always led a fairly normal life with the exception of this one big fat fish named Guacabergmerson who swallowed two and a half Dumahims, but no one cared about him. But the point is, ever since the vampires invaded, fish had become the second smartest creatures in Nosgoth cause all the vampires were incredibly stupid. I mean, come on, these vampires would play in sprinklers then die from the water. This was before the vampires figured out that water equals death. It took the vampires 60 years before they finally figured out that water made them burn. Vampires were a truly stupid race.
Well, an innocent little fish that was swimming in the stream that led to the Pillars was just about to find out just how stupid these vampires are. This innocent fish was watching this blue thing walk towards the stream. The weird thing was that this blue thing had on long brown pants, a long brown buttoned-up jacket, a brown bowler hat, and has a smoking pipe glued to its upper jaw. This blue thing wearing brown clothes picked up the innocent fish, took out a magnifying glass, and looked up the innocent fishes nose. Then the blue thing threw the innocent fish back into the stream and walked away. Vampires really were an odd bunch.
Inspector Razzy was on the case! Poor Raziel was still looking for his testicles and had yet to figure out he didn't even have ANY skin. But then Raziel had, what he liked to call, a "Brilliant Plan!" Raziel didn't have anyone to tell his "Brilliant Plan" (copyright) to, so he decided to pester his Wraith Blade self by telling it his plan. But as soon as Wraith Blade Raziel heard his idiotic version say the words "Brilliant Plan" (copyright) and Raziel's name in the same sentence, Wraith Blade Raziel knew to just tune out because the plan was bound to be stupid. And it was.
Raziel's plan was to dress like that brilliant mastermind Sherlock Holmes, who could solve any case. Ya see, Raziel thought that if he dressed like Sherlock Holmes, that he'd gain Sherlock Holmes' intelligence. Well, Raziel did dress like Sherlock Holmes, but instead of feeling smarter, he could swear he actually felt a bit dumber instead. Yes, believe it or not, Raziel could get dumber without becoming as idiotic as his brother Zephon. More on Zephon's ignorance later. And if you're asking where Raziel would get Sherlock Holmes clothes from I'll tell you. Raziel had been walking around the path that led to the Pillars, but on his way, he stopped at an outhouse, which Raziel mistook for a banana. When he went over to the toilet, he peered in and saw that something was clogging the toilet. Then he could either choose yes to unclogging the toilet or no. For some moronic reason, he choose to. Raziel was always fascinated by toilets. How did they work? Where did the wastes go? Could you flush yourself down a toilet like a water slide? Raziel found that last one out the hard way. Anyway, once Raziel unclogged the toilet, he found that the toilet was clogged up by a Sherlock Holmes costume, which was a stroke of luck because he just happened to need one. And that was why he was walking around dressed like Sherlock Holmes and smelling of sewage.
Meanwhile, Wraith Blade Raziel was just pretending that NONE of this was happening and was also hoping that Idiot Raziel's arm would get cut off so that Wraith Blade Raziel would be free of Idiot Raziel's stupidity. Sure, Wraith Blade Raziel might be killed for good if he's separated from Idiot Raziel, but that was a risk Wraith Blade Raziel was willing to take.
After searching the fish's nostrils, Inspector Raziel just continued on saddened, cause he thought for sure that that's where his testicles would've been. Then Raziel saw an innocent human walking his way and Raziel rushed up to the human, punched him, took off the human's shoe, and looked in it. Nope, they're not in there.
"Um, what the hell do you want?" asked the bewildered human.
"I'm looking for something!" yelled the blue vampire who was about as smart as a constipated weasel.
"Then look in the Lost & Found basket that's next to the doors that leads to the Pillars," offered the human.
"ABSOlutely!" Raziel had forgotten all about the Lost & Found basket!
"What are you looking for, anyway?" asked the human who worked for Moebius, who was currently modeling Moebius Klein underwear.
"Oh, I'm just looking for my testicles. I seem to have misplaced them," Raziel casually replied, as if losing them were an everyday occurrence. Then to Raziel's dismay, the human laughed himself to death. Raziel was furious. "WHAT'S SO DAMN FUNNY!?"
Then, on his way to the Lost & Found basket, Raziel found a...block. Some people say that Raziel was driven plain stupid because of the maddening effect block puzzles had on him. Others just say he's retarded. And his loving father Kain just said, in these exact words: "He's a stupid wacko." So Raziel went over to the block lifted it up, looked under, and after finding nothing, Raziel put the block back down and kicked it in rage, breaking his foot in the process. But luckily for Raziel, he was too stupid to be able to acknowledge the pain sensors. Raziel went on.
After a long walk, Raziel finally reached the Lost & Found basket and he looked in it and started throwing things out, looking for his treasures. While looking through the Lost & Found basket, he found a collection of weird thing, some of which are: a cactus, a bowling pin, a sharpie, a set of twin blades, a penguin, a tire, an eaten grape vine, a DIY paradox kit (copywrong), a Great Stick, a banana peel, a donut hole, a duck costume, a COAD, a lawn-mower, a retractor, a free glucose meter among other oddities. But Raziel also found a blender. Ahh, a blender. It quite logically reminded him of a particular flashback from when Kain took the Lieutenants on a field trip to a bathroom.
*Flashback Begins*
Kain and his lieutenants had finally arrived at the men's bathroom! Kain had promised to take his lieutenants on an exciting and uberdy-duberdy fun field trip, so just to piss them off, he took them to a bathroom. He loved being cruel. Unfortunately, his stupidest son Zephon found a field trip to a men's bathroom quite exciting. While the lieutenants wandered around the bathroom disappointed (except Zephon who was having a fun time flushing the toilets and giggling in glee), Kain smirked at it was. It was so much FUN being mean.
"This place sucks!! Kain, why did you take us to this stupid, crappy place! You suck!!" yelled Dumah to Kain.
Kain retorted by saying, "Don't you dare say that to me, Raziel!! Don't you dare say I suck, Raziel!! Raziel, you are grounded for being rude!"
Raziel just stared at Kain, fuming. Kain always blamed everything on Raziel cause he thought Raziel was a goody-two shoes. Dumah broke the silence, "Wow, I'm having fun on this vacation now! Hehehehehe!"
Just then Zephon rushed out of one of the bathrooms and was jump up and down excited like a puppy who had just seen their owners that had been gone for a week. Zephon was jumping up and down excited, pointing to a pack of unused, unopened condoms. "Looky, looky!" Zephon exclaimed, "It's some balloons!!"
The lieutenants and Kain were just staring at Zephon's innocent ignorance, slack-jawed. Sure, they knew Zephon was an idiot, but this was just sad. Kain told the other lieutenants that their next field trip was to a mental institution. But Dumah did brake the silence, taking advantage of Zephon's ignorance. "Hey, see if you can fit the balloon on your head!"
*Flashback Ends*
Ahh, memories. Now I know you're wondering "How the hell does a blender logically remind Raziel of that trip?" Well, there is no way it's logical, but Raziel thought it was logical so we all know it won't make any sense. Raziel also found a backpack in the Lost & Found basket and put the blender in it, as well as the cactus, the bowling pin, the set of twin blades, the penguin, the DIY paradox kit (copywrong), the retractor, the free glucose meter, and a pair of tweezers that he found.
Raziel went through the doors and went to the base of the Pillars are found, what he liked to call, a not-a-Kain. Raziel looked down to the person's legs and they were long, clean-shaves, smooth and silky, definitely a woman's legs. They were the most beautiful pair of legs he had ever seen. He looked up from the woman's legs and saw a plaid skirt that went barely past the waist, so Raziel wasn't able to tell if there was anything under the dress. Then Raziel looked up further and got the shock of his life, so shocking that he almost had a missing-heart attack. The thing he was looking at wasn't a woman. The thing he was looking at had a pink, sleeveless sweat shirt, just like the type that Richard Simmons wore. Then when Raziel looked at the face, he was horrified. It WAS Kain!!
"I THOUGHT YOUR LEGS WERE SEXY!! EWW!! I FELL DIRTY!!"
Raziel was horrified looking at Kain who had legs that looked like they belong to the sexiest woman in the world, a really short skirt which Raziel now hoped had something underneath, had a Richard Simmons shirt, and this all belonged to Kain.
"Like me new look?" asked a pleading Kain.
Raziel done the only thing he could've done. He screamed and then screamed and then screamed one more 'gain at Kain's appearance, then he ran to a corner, curled into a ball, and shifted realms. So then, while in Spectral Realm, Raziel took the penguin out of his backpack and squeezed it for comfort. Well, at least Kain didn't look as disturbing as Zephon did when he dressed as Tarzan...
_____________________________________________________________________
Yes, I updated! I know you're thinking 'About damn time!' Well, sorry. It took me FOREVER to finally come up with a way to begin this chapter. I ended up coming up with ideas spontaneously (which is the way most a my ideas come up). So don't worry, I won't abandon this fic. It's just updates may take a while because my best ideas come up spontaneously. Well, hope you enjoyed this fic and the next chapter will be out: when it's done! Don't forget to review!