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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Chapter 3: Troubling Memories and Unsettling Thoughts
On the day of his first transformation of the school year, Remus awoke earlier than usual. He dressed quickly and crept downstairs as quietly as he could. Every time he was close to becoming the wolf he thought about that day more than ten years ago when he first got the bite. It was a sort of ritual; a sad circle of what-ifs always accompanied the story. What if he hadn't been so stupid to wander outside? What if he had listened to what his father had said?
~*~*~
At six years old, Remus Lupin was a rather curious boy. He often asked his father and mother meaningless questions about how the sky became blue or why their cat, Hamlet, insisted on killing and eating mice when he had food in his dish. His parents had always patiently answered his questions. Still, nothing could quell his curiosity.
It was a blustery fall day, when the incident occurred. Remus lived with his parents in the English countryside in a modest farmhouse with acres of land surrounding the house and a dense patch of forest to the right. Remus had never been allowed to venture into the woods alone.
His father, who had said he had work to do in the garage, told Remus to stay in the house. Remus agreed and his father didn't give it another thought. After all, the boy rarely disobeyed his parents.
As the evening turned darker and darker, and the full moon came out, illuminating the night sky, Remus began to hear noises. At first it was a distant echoing that he could not place, but as the sound came closer and closer, he could make out a faint howling noise. What sort of creature made that noise?
Slowly, Remus had crept towards the door of their home and opened it a crack. He peered through the small space and glanced towards the right. The sounds were coming from the patch of forest. Remus continued to watch for what felt like a long time, listening to the noises, but seeing nothing.
When the creature did not appear, Remus assumed it must have been too far off. He opened the door wider and stepped out onto the creaky porch. The howling had stopped, and had been replaced by a snarling. This sound was familiar. Hamlet often made the noise when he was irritated by Remus's prodding, though this snarling was certainly louder.
Feeling less frightened, Remus descended down the three steps and sat on the bottom one, listening intently. The sounds seemed closer and closer every time he heard them. He stared into the forest and thought he saw movement.
A second later, a howl came that sounded very near, as if his mother were calling him from the next room. Remus stood up and walked a few steps towards the forest, now unsure if he was completely safe.
He stayed there for a moment, staring into the trees and dense shrubbery, wondering if the creature was just beyond the first tree.
Remus had just turned around, now feeling anxious and ready to go back to the house when a vicious howl sounded behind him. His legs were frozen. He could not move. With shaking knees, he turned around and was face to face with the long snout, pointed ears, and drooling yellow teeth of a werewolf.
Remus felt something warm on his leg. He had certainly wet himself. His throat was constricting and he found himself unable to scream as the wolf gave a tremendous leap and knocked him onto his back.
Even his terror could not keep the wails of pain back as the wolf sunk its teeth into his flesh. The last thing he saw was the blood soaking through his torn shirt, and then everything went black.
~*~*~
Remus gave an involuntary shudder. He lived through that memory every transformation. He wondered, if perhaps one day, he would forget about the day he had been bitten.
He knew it was a hopeless dream.
Not for the first time, Remus wondered how it would feel to bite someone else, to wake up from his wolfish state and realize that he had inflicted the misery and horror onto someone else. He often felt guilty, that he so willingly flaunted the precautions that Dumbledore had set up for the safety and well-being of himself and his fellow students. But one look at James' animated grin or Sirius's eyes flashing with excitement and the guilty feelings would go away.
They always did.
Remus glanced at his watch. The others would be up in a few minutes. He imagined what it would be like to go through his transformations without the others, without Prongs or Wormtail.
Without Padfoot.
Remus smiled to himself. He was very lucky in a way. He had the misfortune of being bitten by a werewolf, but he had three great friends who had done the impossible. They had done it because they cared about him and wanted him to know that they didn't care what darkness he had inside of him.
"Hey Moony," Remus looked up to the steps to see Sirius greeting him cheerfully. Sirius sat down beside him, rubbing his eyes and looking tired.
"I stayed up late last night finishing that essay for McGonagall," he said with a sleepy sigh. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm doing just fine," Remus said. "Looking forward to tonight?" he asked.
Sirius grinned and began babbling excitedly. "I know we've been in the forest a bunch of times, but I really want to see how deep we can go in. We can't add it to the map, but it will still be neat to check it out. Maybe we could make another map of the Forbidden Forest-"
Remus gave a chuckle. "One thing at a time, Padfoot," he said affectionately. "We have a tough enough time dealing with the map we're making now."
James and Peter came down the staircase at that moment. "Are you ready to go to breakfast?" Peter asked them. "I'm starving."
Remus and Sirius nodded. The four headed down to breakfast, James and Sirius arguing playfully about the execution of the Porskoff Ploy as they went.
Remus and Peter stayed quiet during the exchange. Neither was that enthusiastic about Quidditch to join in their ramblings on the subject.
"What are we doing tonight?" Peter asked. "Forbidden Forest, or something else?"
"The forest," Sirius said looking annoyed that someone would forget his brilliant suggestion.
"It's quite dangerous when you go far in, isn't it?" Peter said, unsuccessfully trying to hide the quaver in his voice.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "You'll have us with you, Wormtail."
Peter did not miss his irritated tone of voice. "Sorry if I'm a bit more worried than the rest of you, but I am a rat. I don't have fangs or antlers, you know."
Sirius laughed. "S'pose you're right."
After breakfast, Remus went through his classes in a daze. He never seemed to be able to pay attention on transformation days. He was either apprehensive about the change, or excited for the night's excursion. Most of the time, both applied. Today was one of those days.
He didn't think that he would ever completely lose his fear of the transformations. Every time seemed like the first time. Every sensation felt new and terrifying.
At dinner, his friends attempted to make light conversation and it helped. It was easier not to think about the creature he would become in mere hours. Instead, they talked about Quidditch and school. James brought up a subject that made Remus forget about the wolf altogether.
"You know, you three always make fun of me about liking Lily. Who do you like?" he asked innocently.
Remus let the question sink in for a second before thinking. Not one girl had ever seemed to catch his eye. None of them were passionate, and smart and funny…certainly none of them would even talk to him if they knew what he was.
He was about to point this out when Sirius spoke. "I don't like anyone," he said.
"What do you mean?" James asked. "There has to be one girl who you thought about more than you should have."
Remus thought this over. Was there any girl that he seemed to dwell on? A female that invaded his thoughts even when he didn't want her to? The answer to that was easy enough.
But then, Remus thought of something that was certainly…unsettling. There is someone who you think about more than you should. A picture of Sirius, grinning and running a hand through his elegant dark hair, bubbled up in his mind. Remus shook his head, as if doing this would get rid of the troubling thoughts.
"No, sorry Prongs," Sirius said. "I'm not like you. I'm not devoted to anyone."
Remus looked at him and for a second their eyes locked. "What about you, Moony?" James said.
"I doubt any girl would want anything to do with me after she found out what I am," he said simply.
James made no reply to this and seemed sorry he had broached the subject. They spent the rest of the meal in silence.
Remus worked not to catch Sirius's eye.
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