"How can you say that? How can you stand there and pretend like what you
did doesn't matter to me? You killed my father!"
"No kidding, Mulder! Really? I wasn't aware of that. Thank you SO much for bringing it up *yet* again." Alex took a deep breath and tried to calm down before continuing. "Mulder, this isn't fucking working out..." Alex let his yelling trail off when he saw the hurt look in Mulder's eyes.
"I know," was his only reply.
"There's too much...between us, our past. My past."
"Yeah," Mulder replied solemnly.
"We should leave. I'll get Nikolas, and we'll leave."
"No," Mulder said quickly. Alex looked up surprised, about to persuade him, when Mulder amended his statement. "I mean, don't wake him up. I think we can stand another night together."
"Alright, thank you."
xxxxxxx
Early the next morning, Alex woke and started to pack up his and Nikolas's things. He couldn't believe how much stuff this kid had accumulated in just a month, and he had only started on the things in the living room. He had to wait until Nikolas got up to even begin the task of packing up the bedroom. It seems like only yesterday they had found him in that warehouse. Alex was busy daydreaming and lazily holding one of Nikolas's teddy bears against his chest when Mulder walked in.
"New girlfriend? Should I be jealous?"
"Shutup," Alex replied. "You know you totally just called yourself a girl. Implied it anyway."
Mulder thought for a moment about what exactly he had said and realized that his sarcasm had backfired onto him. He stood there pouting.
"You could help," Alex said.
Nikolas chose that moment to walk into the living room, having just woke up.
"Hey, buddy," Mulder started, hoping to do anything but pack. He hated packing. "Want me to make you some breakfast?"
"Yeah," Nikolas said sleepily.
"I see what your doing, Mulder. But breakfast can only last so long, and I have no doubt that there will be plenty of packing to do when your ready."
"Yeah, yeah," Mulder said turning his back on Alex and walking toward the kitchen. Nikolas began to follow Mulder, but Alex called his name, so he turned around instead.
"What? I don't get a 'good morning' hug or anything?" Alex asked, smiling.
Nikolas shrugged but made no motion to do that.
"Something wrong?" Alex inquired nervously. He walked over and knelt in front of Nikolas, putting his hand on the little boys shoulder. Nikolas shook his head.
"Are you sure? You can tell me, if there is." Nikolas, again, shrugged. "Can I have a hug then?" Alex pulled him forward gently and gave him a hug, not sure what was wrong, but knowing that something was definitely bothering him.
Nikolas walked off toward the kitchen, leaving Alex on the floor, contemplating what could be the source of the problem.
Mulder had a bowl of cereal waiting on the kitchen table. His kitchen had been stocked with food since Alex and Nikolas moved in. He rather enjoyed having a selection of food to choose from. His cabinets certainly weren't used to being full, and Mulder thought sadly that Alex wouldn't be there anymore to keep them that way. He knew full well that he could just refill them on his own, but chose instead to feel bad for himself, knowing he was too lazy and it would never happen.
Mulder glanced at Nikolas and realized how sad he looked. He had heard Alex ask if anything was wrong and hadn't heard a reply. He retrieved the orange juice from the fridge and poured Nikolas and himself a glass. And then as an afterthought one for Alex as well. He brought Alex his, returned to the kitchen and placed one in front of Nikolas. Looking at Nikolas, Mulder saw tears running down his cheeks.
"What's the matter?" Mulder said quietly, sitting next to him.
"Nothing."
"There must be something wrong if your crying. Come here," Mulder said putting his hands out to Nikolas. Nikolas leaned into them and Mulder placed him on his lap. Nikolas sat back against Mulder's chest and began to sob.
"Sshh...Nik..tell me why your crying." Nikolas offered no answer. "Want me to get daddy?.....Alex," Mulder called. Alex walked in a second later.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Nothing, I don't know," Mulder responded. Alex walked over to Mulder and took his son.
"Hey...your okay. Calm down," Alex added when he noticed that Nikolas was getting more and more worked up. "Sshh...baby, it's okay...why are you so sad?...if you tell me, I can help you."
"Don't....don't - want - to," he answered between gasping breaths.
"Don't want to what? You don't want to tell me?"
"I - I don't wanna go back there..."
"Nikolas, I don't know what your talking about. Back where?" Alex asked ,confused.
"I heard you," Nikolas said loudly, in a tone that sounded more angry than anything else.
"What did you hear?" Mulder asked when Alex remained silent.
"That i'm going back...I don't want to, I won't go back!" Nikolas freed himself from Alex's hold and stormed off toward the bedroom.
"Nikolas, come back here. I don't know what you mean," Alex called after him.
Nikolas stopped momentarily, crying now even harder than before, and looked at Alex. "I hate you," he said in a whisper, and then went to the bedroom and slammed the door.
Mulder sat there with his mouth open in disbelief, then regained his composure and looked at Alex. He had tears in his eyes, and looked like he was going to break down any second.
"He didn't mean it Alex, he's just a kid, they say stuff like that all the time," Mulder said, trying to sound positive.
"Yeah...sure." Mulder could tell he wasn't convinced. "Want me to go talk to him?" he offered.
"No, I can do it...you can come if you want."
Mulder was about to say that he'd be fine waiting where he was, but he realized Alex wanted him for support, so he nodded and followed Alex to the bedroom. They found Nikolas in bed, completely covered and still crying, though not as hard. Alex sat down on the edge of the bed.
"I love you, Nikolas. No matter how you feel about me right now. Your upset about something, and I don't know what it is, but I promise you that I'm not going to do anything that would hurt you. I would never do anything bad to you. So, if you hate me...well, I don't know what to say...because, I don't hate you," Alex finished quietly.
Nikolas pulled his blanket off of his head so he could see and looked at Mulder. "You said I never had to go back." Alex looked at Mulder, Mulder looked at Nikolas, and neither of them had a clue what was going on.
"Okay, Nikolas. What did you hear me or Mulder say?"
"That I was going back."
"Back where," Mulder asked.
"Where you got me from."
Alex and Mulder looked at each other with shocked expressions on their faces.
"I said you never had to go back there, your right about that, buddy. You don't, you'll never have to. We wouldn't ever do that."
"Yeah, we never said that Nikolas. Are you sure that's what you heard?" Alex asked.
"I heard you last night. You said you we're gonna take me and leave. I really don't want to go there...I didn't like it, they were mean and hurt me. I thought you liked me and wanted to keep me...I'm sorry...I - I can be better, please?"
Alex listened to his son pleading to be 'kept' and found himself wondering, if he asked Nikolas right now what they did to him there, if he might get an answer. He pushed that thought quickly aside and reached for Nikolas and pulled him into an embrace.
"I do like you, I love you so much. Your really not going back there, I know what you heard me say last night, but it's not what you think. Mulder and I just decided that it was time we move into our own house. Me *and* you, okay? That's all....sshh...you can stop crying, everything's okay now."
Nikolas gradually calmed down and Alex took a chance on possible getting a little information.
"Can you tell us what they did to you there?"
"Do I have to?"
"Well, no. But I'd like you to, atleast some of it. I think I should know what happened, but if your not ready to talk about it...I can wait."
"There was a nice lady."
"Yeah?"
"She was the only nice one....but she was only there a couple times and I don't remember her a lot. She would always say she was sorry but I don't know why. She cried too. I think they were mean to her like me." Nikolas sighed and sat quietly for a minute. Neither Alex nor Mulder wanted to say anything. In the month since he had been rescued he had never once wanted to talk about his life. They didn't want to interrupt, for fear that he might change his mind.
"They kept me in the bedroom all the time, except for the bathroom and they took me outside to go to other doctor's. I liked them better. They were sometime's nicer, but they still hurt me. I don't like shots and they would always give me shots..." It seemed as if all the information that he had kept bottled up suddenly needed to be let out. Or maybe he was still worried that they might bring him back, and this was his chance to tell them how horrible it was. Either way, Alex couldn't believe that he was talking so freely about every little detail.
"...I had a friend once. He came there and stayed with me in my bed but only for a little while 'cause then they took him to the doctor's and he didn't come back. I don't know where he went. I wish he could be here too. He didn't like the food there, but I was used to it. But, Mulder's food is lots better, I like it a lot...."
"You might be the only person to ever say that, Nikolas," said Mulder, laughing. Alex smiled but had tears in his eyes.
"...They gave me books sometime but I couldn't read'em so one guy had to always read'em to me. He didn't like to do it but they yelled and made him. If I got scared and cryed they would yell at me too. Then he started liking it I think 'cause he would even offer sometimes to read something. That's how I knew I didn't have a mommy or daddy because he told me what they were and that I didn't have them." Nikolas stopped and yawned. "I don't know anymore."
"That's okay, you told us a lot." Alex replied.
"No kidding, Mulder! Really? I wasn't aware of that. Thank you SO much for bringing it up *yet* again." Alex took a deep breath and tried to calm down before continuing. "Mulder, this isn't fucking working out..." Alex let his yelling trail off when he saw the hurt look in Mulder's eyes.
"I know," was his only reply.
"There's too much...between us, our past. My past."
"Yeah," Mulder replied solemnly.
"We should leave. I'll get Nikolas, and we'll leave."
"No," Mulder said quickly. Alex looked up surprised, about to persuade him, when Mulder amended his statement. "I mean, don't wake him up. I think we can stand another night together."
"Alright, thank you."
xxxxxxx
Early the next morning, Alex woke and started to pack up his and Nikolas's things. He couldn't believe how much stuff this kid had accumulated in just a month, and he had only started on the things in the living room. He had to wait until Nikolas got up to even begin the task of packing up the bedroom. It seems like only yesterday they had found him in that warehouse. Alex was busy daydreaming and lazily holding one of Nikolas's teddy bears against his chest when Mulder walked in.
"New girlfriend? Should I be jealous?"
"Shutup," Alex replied. "You know you totally just called yourself a girl. Implied it anyway."
Mulder thought for a moment about what exactly he had said and realized that his sarcasm had backfired onto him. He stood there pouting.
"You could help," Alex said.
Nikolas chose that moment to walk into the living room, having just woke up.
"Hey, buddy," Mulder started, hoping to do anything but pack. He hated packing. "Want me to make you some breakfast?"
"Yeah," Nikolas said sleepily.
"I see what your doing, Mulder. But breakfast can only last so long, and I have no doubt that there will be plenty of packing to do when your ready."
"Yeah, yeah," Mulder said turning his back on Alex and walking toward the kitchen. Nikolas began to follow Mulder, but Alex called his name, so he turned around instead.
"What? I don't get a 'good morning' hug or anything?" Alex asked, smiling.
Nikolas shrugged but made no motion to do that.
"Something wrong?" Alex inquired nervously. He walked over and knelt in front of Nikolas, putting his hand on the little boys shoulder. Nikolas shook his head.
"Are you sure? You can tell me, if there is." Nikolas, again, shrugged. "Can I have a hug then?" Alex pulled him forward gently and gave him a hug, not sure what was wrong, but knowing that something was definitely bothering him.
Nikolas walked off toward the kitchen, leaving Alex on the floor, contemplating what could be the source of the problem.
Mulder had a bowl of cereal waiting on the kitchen table. His kitchen had been stocked with food since Alex and Nikolas moved in. He rather enjoyed having a selection of food to choose from. His cabinets certainly weren't used to being full, and Mulder thought sadly that Alex wouldn't be there anymore to keep them that way. He knew full well that he could just refill them on his own, but chose instead to feel bad for himself, knowing he was too lazy and it would never happen.
Mulder glanced at Nikolas and realized how sad he looked. He had heard Alex ask if anything was wrong and hadn't heard a reply. He retrieved the orange juice from the fridge and poured Nikolas and himself a glass. And then as an afterthought one for Alex as well. He brought Alex his, returned to the kitchen and placed one in front of Nikolas. Looking at Nikolas, Mulder saw tears running down his cheeks.
"What's the matter?" Mulder said quietly, sitting next to him.
"Nothing."
"There must be something wrong if your crying. Come here," Mulder said putting his hands out to Nikolas. Nikolas leaned into them and Mulder placed him on his lap. Nikolas sat back against Mulder's chest and began to sob.
"Sshh...Nik..tell me why your crying." Nikolas offered no answer. "Want me to get daddy?.....Alex," Mulder called. Alex walked in a second later.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Nothing, I don't know," Mulder responded. Alex walked over to Mulder and took his son.
"Hey...your okay. Calm down," Alex added when he noticed that Nikolas was getting more and more worked up. "Sshh...baby, it's okay...why are you so sad?...if you tell me, I can help you."
"Don't....don't - want - to," he answered between gasping breaths.
"Don't want to what? You don't want to tell me?"
"I - I don't wanna go back there..."
"Nikolas, I don't know what your talking about. Back where?" Alex asked ,confused.
"I heard you," Nikolas said loudly, in a tone that sounded more angry than anything else.
"What did you hear?" Mulder asked when Alex remained silent.
"That i'm going back...I don't want to, I won't go back!" Nikolas freed himself from Alex's hold and stormed off toward the bedroom.
"Nikolas, come back here. I don't know what you mean," Alex called after him.
Nikolas stopped momentarily, crying now even harder than before, and looked at Alex. "I hate you," he said in a whisper, and then went to the bedroom and slammed the door.
Mulder sat there with his mouth open in disbelief, then regained his composure and looked at Alex. He had tears in his eyes, and looked like he was going to break down any second.
"He didn't mean it Alex, he's just a kid, they say stuff like that all the time," Mulder said, trying to sound positive.
"Yeah...sure." Mulder could tell he wasn't convinced. "Want me to go talk to him?" he offered.
"No, I can do it...you can come if you want."
Mulder was about to say that he'd be fine waiting where he was, but he realized Alex wanted him for support, so he nodded and followed Alex to the bedroom. They found Nikolas in bed, completely covered and still crying, though not as hard. Alex sat down on the edge of the bed.
"I love you, Nikolas. No matter how you feel about me right now. Your upset about something, and I don't know what it is, but I promise you that I'm not going to do anything that would hurt you. I would never do anything bad to you. So, if you hate me...well, I don't know what to say...because, I don't hate you," Alex finished quietly.
Nikolas pulled his blanket off of his head so he could see and looked at Mulder. "You said I never had to go back." Alex looked at Mulder, Mulder looked at Nikolas, and neither of them had a clue what was going on.
"Okay, Nikolas. What did you hear me or Mulder say?"
"That I was going back."
"Back where," Mulder asked.
"Where you got me from."
Alex and Mulder looked at each other with shocked expressions on their faces.
"I said you never had to go back there, your right about that, buddy. You don't, you'll never have to. We wouldn't ever do that."
"Yeah, we never said that Nikolas. Are you sure that's what you heard?" Alex asked.
"I heard you last night. You said you we're gonna take me and leave. I really don't want to go there...I didn't like it, they were mean and hurt me. I thought you liked me and wanted to keep me...I'm sorry...I - I can be better, please?"
Alex listened to his son pleading to be 'kept' and found himself wondering, if he asked Nikolas right now what they did to him there, if he might get an answer. He pushed that thought quickly aside and reached for Nikolas and pulled him into an embrace.
"I do like you, I love you so much. Your really not going back there, I know what you heard me say last night, but it's not what you think. Mulder and I just decided that it was time we move into our own house. Me *and* you, okay? That's all....sshh...you can stop crying, everything's okay now."
Nikolas gradually calmed down and Alex took a chance on possible getting a little information.
"Can you tell us what they did to you there?"
"Do I have to?"
"Well, no. But I'd like you to, atleast some of it. I think I should know what happened, but if your not ready to talk about it...I can wait."
"There was a nice lady."
"Yeah?"
"She was the only nice one....but she was only there a couple times and I don't remember her a lot. She would always say she was sorry but I don't know why. She cried too. I think they were mean to her like me." Nikolas sighed and sat quietly for a minute. Neither Alex nor Mulder wanted to say anything. In the month since he had been rescued he had never once wanted to talk about his life. They didn't want to interrupt, for fear that he might change his mind.
"They kept me in the bedroom all the time, except for the bathroom and they took me outside to go to other doctor's. I liked them better. They were sometime's nicer, but they still hurt me. I don't like shots and they would always give me shots..." It seemed as if all the information that he had kept bottled up suddenly needed to be let out. Or maybe he was still worried that they might bring him back, and this was his chance to tell them how horrible it was. Either way, Alex couldn't believe that he was talking so freely about every little detail.
"...I had a friend once. He came there and stayed with me in my bed but only for a little while 'cause then they took him to the doctor's and he didn't come back. I don't know where he went. I wish he could be here too. He didn't like the food there, but I was used to it. But, Mulder's food is lots better, I like it a lot...."
"You might be the only person to ever say that, Nikolas," said Mulder, laughing. Alex smiled but had tears in his eyes.
"...They gave me books sometime but I couldn't read'em so one guy had to always read'em to me. He didn't like to do it but they yelled and made him. If I got scared and cryed they would yell at me too. Then he started liking it I think 'cause he would even offer sometimes to read something. That's how I knew I didn't have a mommy or daddy because he told me what they were and that I didn't have them." Nikolas stopped and yawned. "I don't know anymore."
"That's okay, you told us a lot." Alex replied.