Thank you to those who reviewed chapter one. I hope you enjoy this one as
well. As always, SE Hinton owns the Outsiders. Remember that this is set
during the Vietnam War. There will eventually be some graphic detail and
language that you might find offensive. If that bothers you please do not
read this story.
I put my head in my hands and started sobbing. I felt Soda put his arm around me and I struggled against him for a minute before collapsing against him and bawling. I don't know how long I cried against his shoulder and I know I was scaring everybody but once I started I couldn't stop. I could hear Soda talking quietly to me; I couldn't hear what he was saying but the words weren't important anyway. Finally my sobs ended and I looked each of my friends in the eye. "Don't hate me for telling you this. Don't hate me for what I've done. I was following orders. I just did my job, please don't hate me for that," I pleaded. God, I couldn't take it if my friends hated me.
Darry knelt in front of me and said, "We could never hate you, Steve. Nothing you tell us will ever change that."
Oh, God, how I needed to believe that! I needed my friends to be there for me and, I suddenly realized, I needed to tell them the Hell I had been through. I took a deep breath and said, "Do you guys remember when I got my draft notice?"
~FLASHBACK~
I was sitting on my front porch staring at a piece of paper and didn't notice that anyone was there until Soda said, "Steve?"
Without looking up I handed the paper to him. He took it and slowly read the official document. "Steve, this is a."
"I know what the fuck it is Soda. I've read the goddamn thing fifty times already," I snapped. He kicked at a rock on the ground and didn't say anything. I tried to calm down but I was scared and, as usual, I came across mad. "Why me, damn it!" I shouted. Soda didn't answer but then again I didn't expect him to. I knew there was no answer. "Let's get out of here," I said as I got to my feet.
As we started walking Soda asked, "When are you going to tell everybody?"
"I might as well do it now and get it over with," I said with a sigh. "Evie's gonna take it hard."
"Probably," agreed Soda, "but you got to tell her."
"Not tonight. I can't handle it tonight." We were at the lot then and Darry, Pony and Two-Bit were there, tossing the football around.
"What's wrong?" Darry asked as soon as he saw me.
I couldn't say anything, there was a huge lump in my throat and I knew I would be bawling if I opened my mouth. I finally handed Darry the crumpled letter telling me that I had been drafted into the United States Army.
Darry squeezed my shoulder and said, "What are you going to do, Steve?"
I looked at him like he was stupid, "What the Hell can I do?" I snapped.
"You can run," said Two-Bit seriously. "You could go to Canada or somethin'."
"I ain't never run from nothin' in my life and I ain't startin' now." I didn't tell him that I had seriously considered that when I first read the letter; instead I said, "I'm going to go in and enlist in the Navy on Monday. I'm hopin' that I'll be on a ship somewhere and maybe a little safer than if I'm in the middle of the jungle."
Nobody said anything. I don't think any of us wanted to think about what could happen. I know I sure didn't. Images of the war had been all over TV. You couldn't turn the thing on without seeing the horror that awaited me over there. The only thing that I could hold onto was that most of the people I was seeing in the news seemed to be soldiers and Marines.
Nobody seemed to know what to say, which was kind of weird since Two-Bit always has a smart-ass comment for everything, and we stood around in awkward silence. Suddenly Pony threw the football as hard as he could and ran towards his house.
Everybody kind of jumped, we just weren't used to that kind of outburst from that kid, and Soda took off after him. The rest of us followed slowly. "Steve," said Darry, "I. Well. I. Oh Hell! There are so many things I want to say and I can't get nothing to come out!"
Oh, shit, I thought, Darry's cryin' I ain't seen him cry since that whole thing with Dallas and Johnny last year. He's scared, I realized. A small part of me was pissed about that. I mean, I was the one going over there to get shot at, not him, but mostly I understood that his fear was for me and what it would do to the gang if anything happened to me. Before either of us could say anything else we arrived at the house. Pony had locked himself in his room and wouldn't come out.
"He's afraid something's gonna happen to you, Steve. He keeps mumbling about Dally and Johnny and you. This has him pretty shook up." This kind of surprised me, I mean, me and Pony have never really liked each other, and now he's all shook up because I was being sent to war.
That weekend I did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking. Darry spent a lot of time listening. I thought it was weird that I needed to talk to Darry and not Soda, since Soda was my best friend and all, but Darry was more rational than Soda ever could be; and right then I needed someone with a level head.
Darry and I were sittin' at the kitchen table Sunday evening when I said, "I been thinkin' about this whole thing and I realized somethin'."
"What's that?" Darry asked.
"I want to go. I mean, I'm still scared and all but this is my chance to be something other than just a greaser. It's a chance to see somethin' besides Tulsa. I'm eighteen, Darry; I want more from life than liftin' hubcaps and hotwiring cars. I'm tired of my old man throwin' me out once or twice a week, I'm tired of being nothin'. Besides, at least in the Navy I'll have three meals a day and a place to sleep." I sat quiet for a minute and then said, "The haircut's gonna suck. Did you know their gonna shave my head? That's sure gonna make me look tuff ain't it?" I ran my hand over my dark hair and said, "I hope that's the worse thing that happens to me."
"Don't think about it," said Darry. "You're going to be fine. You'll do your tour and then be home."
"I hope so," I said. "Hey Darry?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm still scared shitless."
"I know, Buddy, I know."
Monday morning I walked into the Navy recruiting office and was greeted by a large man in uniform. "Can I help you, son?" he asked.
"I want to enlist," I told him. We sat at his desk and filled out what seemed like hundreds of forms. I thought I would scream if I heard "full name, social security number and date of birth" one more time. When we were finished I was told I needed to go to Armed Forces Examining and Entrance Station (AFEES) for a physical. Oh my God! You would never believe the poking and prodding that they put you through. They looked in my ears, up my nose and down my throat and every other place you can imagine. I had my eyes checked, my flexibility and mobility tested, and blood drawn. When they were through with all that I was told to go home and my recruiter would call me in about two weeks.
I thought about a lot of things while I waited for the call. I thought about boot camp and "A" school, I wondered what unit I would be assigned to, I hoped I would make friends or at least not make any enemies. I knew I would miss the friends I was leaving behind. There were two people I needed to talk to before I left: Darry and Evie. Deciding to do the easy one first I knocked on Darry's bedroom door.
"Yeah," he called.
"It's me," I said as Darry opened the door. "You got a minute?"
"Yeah, come on in."
I walked in and flopped on his bed. "I need to tell you something," I said. "I listed you as my next of kin."
"You what?"
"In all the forms I had to fill out, I listed you as next of kin. If anything happens to me, you'll be notified." I handed him some papers. "Here."
"What's this?" he asked as he took the envelope from me.
"My will. It leaves everything I have; which right now is a whole lot of nothing, to you. You're also the beneficiary of my life insurance policy."
"Steve,"
"No, listen to me. I thought about it and this is what I want. If something happens and I don't come home, I want you to use the money from my life insurance and any other benefits to help put Pony through college." Darry looked like he wanted to argue but I said, "It's what I want. Well, what I want is to come home, but if I don't, than this is what I want."
Darry wrapped his arms around me and said, "Just come home. That's what I want."
I couldn't answer. I just hugged him back and cried.
The next day I went to Evie's house and told her about the draft notice and my enlistment in the Navy. She did not take it well.
"You can't go!" she wailed."
"Baby, I don't have a choice. Besides, I want to go."
"You're crazy," she said. "You're gonna get yourself killed."
I pulled her into my arms, "No I'm not, baby," I said as I rubbed her back.
She began sobbing as she said, "I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too," I said. "I jus have to do this. Try to understand. Besides, right now the only place I'm going is boot camp and "A" school. I won't even leave the states for a while. Try not to worry until there's something to worry about ok?"
She nodded against my chest, "I'll try."
"That's my girl," I said. "Will you write to me while I'm gone?"
"Of course," she answered. "Will you write back?"
"Yes."
"I love you, Steve."
"I love you, too."
"Come home to me."
"I will," I promised.
I hoped like Hell I wasn't lying.
A few days later the recruiter called and told me to come in to his office. Once there, we talked about what I wanted to do in the Navy. I told him I was a good mechanic and really liked working on cars. Before I knew it, I had become a Construction Mechanic Constructionman Recruit (CMCR), was sworn in, and was ordered to report to RTC San Diego and then to "A" school in at Port Hueneme.
I was sitting on the couch at the Curtis' house telling the gang about what had happened and they had a lot of questions.
"What's RTC?" asked Pony.
"Recruit Training Center," I answered.
"What's "A" school?" asked Two-Bit.
"That's where their gonna teach me to work on the equipment."
"Where is Port Hueneme?" asked Soda.
"It's in California somewhere." I stared and my shoes and swallowed hard. "I gotta tell you guys somethin'. This rating is gonna put me in the jungle. I probably won't be on a ship. I'm gonna end up attached to a Marine unit."
"Steve, no," gasped Pony.
Soda put an arm around him as I said, "Ponyboy, I'm gonna be ok. Them Marines are trained real good and I'm gonna be trained before I go. I'll be careful. I'm going to do my job but I'm not gonna be careless or stupid either. That's the best that I can do." I don't think it made him feel much better but at least I tried.
"When do you report?" asked Darry.
"February 3," I said.
"That's in two weeks," said Soda/
"Yeah, I know. Will you guys drive me to the airport?"
"Of course we will," said Darry.
"Will you do something else for me?"
"What's that?" asked Two-Bit.
"Write." I was relieved when everybody said they would.
The two weeks flew by and suddenly it was time to leave. I grabbed my bag and headed out to meet the gang. As I walked past the lot Two-Bit hollered at me to wait up.
"What's in the bag?" he asked as he caught up.
"Underwear and a razor if you must know," I snapped. There were a few other things but not much.
"Good to know you plan on changing them while your gone," Two-Bit said with a laugh.
I took a swing at his head. "Can't you be serious?"
"Nope. I tried it once, it ain't any fun."
We were standing in front of the house by then and Soda came walking out. I threw my bag in the back of the truck while everyone just kind of stood around staring at each other. I couldn't believe how awkward we had all become. Finally, Darry and Pony came out of the house.
"Everybody get in the truck if you're going," said Darry. Sometimes it bugs the Hell out of me that he is so take charge but today I was glad he was such a s a bossy butt.
We made the drive to the airport in silence. I don't know about everybody else but I just couldn't think of a damn thing to say. We all walked into the airport and I checked in and got directions to the gate. We all trooped down there and then tried to say good-bye. After several false starts, Darry just grabbed my hand in a hard shake and pulled me into a half hug, "Be careful, Steve. Don't let your temper get you into trouble."
"I won't. Well, I'll try," I said.
"Send me a picture of your bald head."
"When Hell freezes over, Two-Bit," I said with a laugh.
"Seriously, Steve, Don't go getting you r ass in trouble. I hear the brig sucks." We shook hands and then he turned away. I think he was crying but I'm not sure. I know I sure wanted to.
"Steve?'
I looked at Pony; his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Damn it," I thought, "I always forget how young he is." I squeezed his shoulder, "It's ok, Pony. Everything is gonna be fine. Right now nothing bad is going to happen. I don't imagine that boot camp will be fun but nobody's gonna shoot me or throw grenades or any thing like that. Relax. I'll send you a letter and tell you when to worry. Ok?" He nodded and turned away. I saw Darry wrap an arm around him just before Soda threw himself at me.
"I hate this. We ain't been apart since first grade. I 'm not sure I know how to get through a day without you."
"One day at a time, Soda. The same way I'm going to get through." I was so close to crying and I was glad that they called my flight number to start boarding. I pulled away from Soda's hug and said, "I gotta go, guys. I'll write as soon as I can." Everybody was waving as I boarded the plane. "I should have told them."
~END FLASHBACK~
"Should have told us what?" asked Soda.
"That I love you."
I put my head in my hands and started sobbing. I felt Soda put his arm around me and I struggled against him for a minute before collapsing against him and bawling. I don't know how long I cried against his shoulder and I know I was scaring everybody but once I started I couldn't stop. I could hear Soda talking quietly to me; I couldn't hear what he was saying but the words weren't important anyway. Finally my sobs ended and I looked each of my friends in the eye. "Don't hate me for telling you this. Don't hate me for what I've done. I was following orders. I just did my job, please don't hate me for that," I pleaded. God, I couldn't take it if my friends hated me.
Darry knelt in front of me and said, "We could never hate you, Steve. Nothing you tell us will ever change that."
Oh, God, how I needed to believe that! I needed my friends to be there for me and, I suddenly realized, I needed to tell them the Hell I had been through. I took a deep breath and said, "Do you guys remember when I got my draft notice?"
~FLASHBACK~
I was sitting on my front porch staring at a piece of paper and didn't notice that anyone was there until Soda said, "Steve?"
Without looking up I handed the paper to him. He took it and slowly read the official document. "Steve, this is a."
"I know what the fuck it is Soda. I've read the goddamn thing fifty times already," I snapped. He kicked at a rock on the ground and didn't say anything. I tried to calm down but I was scared and, as usual, I came across mad. "Why me, damn it!" I shouted. Soda didn't answer but then again I didn't expect him to. I knew there was no answer. "Let's get out of here," I said as I got to my feet.
As we started walking Soda asked, "When are you going to tell everybody?"
"I might as well do it now and get it over with," I said with a sigh. "Evie's gonna take it hard."
"Probably," agreed Soda, "but you got to tell her."
"Not tonight. I can't handle it tonight." We were at the lot then and Darry, Pony and Two-Bit were there, tossing the football around.
"What's wrong?" Darry asked as soon as he saw me.
I couldn't say anything, there was a huge lump in my throat and I knew I would be bawling if I opened my mouth. I finally handed Darry the crumpled letter telling me that I had been drafted into the United States Army.
Darry squeezed my shoulder and said, "What are you going to do, Steve?"
I looked at him like he was stupid, "What the Hell can I do?" I snapped.
"You can run," said Two-Bit seriously. "You could go to Canada or somethin'."
"I ain't never run from nothin' in my life and I ain't startin' now." I didn't tell him that I had seriously considered that when I first read the letter; instead I said, "I'm going to go in and enlist in the Navy on Monday. I'm hopin' that I'll be on a ship somewhere and maybe a little safer than if I'm in the middle of the jungle."
Nobody said anything. I don't think any of us wanted to think about what could happen. I know I sure didn't. Images of the war had been all over TV. You couldn't turn the thing on without seeing the horror that awaited me over there. The only thing that I could hold onto was that most of the people I was seeing in the news seemed to be soldiers and Marines.
Nobody seemed to know what to say, which was kind of weird since Two-Bit always has a smart-ass comment for everything, and we stood around in awkward silence. Suddenly Pony threw the football as hard as he could and ran towards his house.
Everybody kind of jumped, we just weren't used to that kind of outburst from that kid, and Soda took off after him. The rest of us followed slowly. "Steve," said Darry, "I. Well. I. Oh Hell! There are so many things I want to say and I can't get nothing to come out!"
Oh, shit, I thought, Darry's cryin' I ain't seen him cry since that whole thing with Dallas and Johnny last year. He's scared, I realized. A small part of me was pissed about that. I mean, I was the one going over there to get shot at, not him, but mostly I understood that his fear was for me and what it would do to the gang if anything happened to me. Before either of us could say anything else we arrived at the house. Pony had locked himself in his room and wouldn't come out.
"He's afraid something's gonna happen to you, Steve. He keeps mumbling about Dally and Johnny and you. This has him pretty shook up." This kind of surprised me, I mean, me and Pony have never really liked each other, and now he's all shook up because I was being sent to war.
That weekend I did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking. Darry spent a lot of time listening. I thought it was weird that I needed to talk to Darry and not Soda, since Soda was my best friend and all, but Darry was more rational than Soda ever could be; and right then I needed someone with a level head.
Darry and I were sittin' at the kitchen table Sunday evening when I said, "I been thinkin' about this whole thing and I realized somethin'."
"What's that?" Darry asked.
"I want to go. I mean, I'm still scared and all but this is my chance to be something other than just a greaser. It's a chance to see somethin' besides Tulsa. I'm eighteen, Darry; I want more from life than liftin' hubcaps and hotwiring cars. I'm tired of my old man throwin' me out once or twice a week, I'm tired of being nothin'. Besides, at least in the Navy I'll have three meals a day and a place to sleep." I sat quiet for a minute and then said, "The haircut's gonna suck. Did you know their gonna shave my head? That's sure gonna make me look tuff ain't it?" I ran my hand over my dark hair and said, "I hope that's the worse thing that happens to me."
"Don't think about it," said Darry. "You're going to be fine. You'll do your tour and then be home."
"I hope so," I said. "Hey Darry?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm still scared shitless."
"I know, Buddy, I know."
Monday morning I walked into the Navy recruiting office and was greeted by a large man in uniform. "Can I help you, son?" he asked.
"I want to enlist," I told him. We sat at his desk and filled out what seemed like hundreds of forms. I thought I would scream if I heard "full name, social security number and date of birth" one more time. When we were finished I was told I needed to go to Armed Forces Examining and Entrance Station (AFEES) for a physical. Oh my God! You would never believe the poking and prodding that they put you through. They looked in my ears, up my nose and down my throat and every other place you can imagine. I had my eyes checked, my flexibility and mobility tested, and blood drawn. When they were through with all that I was told to go home and my recruiter would call me in about two weeks.
I thought about a lot of things while I waited for the call. I thought about boot camp and "A" school, I wondered what unit I would be assigned to, I hoped I would make friends or at least not make any enemies. I knew I would miss the friends I was leaving behind. There were two people I needed to talk to before I left: Darry and Evie. Deciding to do the easy one first I knocked on Darry's bedroom door.
"Yeah," he called.
"It's me," I said as Darry opened the door. "You got a minute?"
"Yeah, come on in."
I walked in and flopped on his bed. "I need to tell you something," I said. "I listed you as my next of kin."
"You what?"
"In all the forms I had to fill out, I listed you as next of kin. If anything happens to me, you'll be notified." I handed him some papers. "Here."
"What's this?" he asked as he took the envelope from me.
"My will. It leaves everything I have; which right now is a whole lot of nothing, to you. You're also the beneficiary of my life insurance policy."
"Steve,"
"No, listen to me. I thought about it and this is what I want. If something happens and I don't come home, I want you to use the money from my life insurance and any other benefits to help put Pony through college." Darry looked like he wanted to argue but I said, "It's what I want. Well, what I want is to come home, but if I don't, than this is what I want."
Darry wrapped his arms around me and said, "Just come home. That's what I want."
I couldn't answer. I just hugged him back and cried.
The next day I went to Evie's house and told her about the draft notice and my enlistment in the Navy. She did not take it well.
"You can't go!" she wailed."
"Baby, I don't have a choice. Besides, I want to go."
"You're crazy," she said. "You're gonna get yourself killed."
I pulled her into my arms, "No I'm not, baby," I said as I rubbed her back.
She began sobbing as she said, "I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too," I said. "I jus have to do this. Try to understand. Besides, right now the only place I'm going is boot camp and "A" school. I won't even leave the states for a while. Try not to worry until there's something to worry about ok?"
She nodded against my chest, "I'll try."
"That's my girl," I said. "Will you write to me while I'm gone?"
"Of course," she answered. "Will you write back?"
"Yes."
"I love you, Steve."
"I love you, too."
"Come home to me."
"I will," I promised.
I hoped like Hell I wasn't lying.
A few days later the recruiter called and told me to come in to his office. Once there, we talked about what I wanted to do in the Navy. I told him I was a good mechanic and really liked working on cars. Before I knew it, I had become a Construction Mechanic Constructionman Recruit (CMCR), was sworn in, and was ordered to report to RTC San Diego and then to "A" school in at Port Hueneme.
I was sitting on the couch at the Curtis' house telling the gang about what had happened and they had a lot of questions.
"What's RTC?" asked Pony.
"Recruit Training Center," I answered.
"What's "A" school?" asked Two-Bit.
"That's where their gonna teach me to work on the equipment."
"Where is Port Hueneme?" asked Soda.
"It's in California somewhere." I stared and my shoes and swallowed hard. "I gotta tell you guys somethin'. This rating is gonna put me in the jungle. I probably won't be on a ship. I'm gonna end up attached to a Marine unit."
"Steve, no," gasped Pony.
Soda put an arm around him as I said, "Ponyboy, I'm gonna be ok. Them Marines are trained real good and I'm gonna be trained before I go. I'll be careful. I'm going to do my job but I'm not gonna be careless or stupid either. That's the best that I can do." I don't think it made him feel much better but at least I tried.
"When do you report?" asked Darry.
"February 3," I said.
"That's in two weeks," said Soda/
"Yeah, I know. Will you guys drive me to the airport?"
"Of course we will," said Darry.
"Will you do something else for me?"
"What's that?" asked Two-Bit.
"Write." I was relieved when everybody said they would.
The two weeks flew by and suddenly it was time to leave. I grabbed my bag and headed out to meet the gang. As I walked past the lot Two-Bit hollered at me to wait up.
"What's in the bag?" he asked as he caught up.
"Underwear and a razor if you must know," I snapped. There were a few other things but not much.
"Good to know you plan on changing them while your gone," Two-Bit said with a laugh.
I took a swing at his head. "Can't you be serious?"
"Nope. I tried it once, it ain't any fun."
We were standing in front of the house by then and Soda came walking out. I threw my bag in the back of the truck while everyone just kind of stood around staring at each other. I couldn't believe how awkward we had all become. Finally, Darry and Pony came out of the house.
"Everybody get in the truck if you're going," said Darry. Sometimes it bugs the Hell out of me that he is so take charge but today I was glad he was such a s a bossy butt.
We made the drive to the airport in silence. I don't know about everybody else but I just couldn't think of a damn thing to say. We all walked into the airport and I checked in and got directions to the gate. We all trooped down there and then tried to say good-bye. After several false starts, Darry just grabbed my hand in a hard shake and pulled me into a half hug, "Be careful, Steve. Don't let your temper get you into trouble."
"I won't. Well, I'll try," I said.
"Send me a picture of your bald head."
"When Hell freezes over, Two-Bit," I said with a laugh.
"Seriously, Steve, Don't go getting you r ass in trouble. I hear the brig sucks." We shook hands and then he turned away. I think he was crying but I'm not sure. I know I sure wanted to.
"Steve?'
I looked at Pony; his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Damn it," I thought, "I always forget how young he is." I squeezed his shoulder, "It's ok, Pony. Everything is gonna be fine. Right now nothing bad is going to happen. I don't imagine that boot camp will be fun but nobody's gonna shoot me or throw grenades or any thing like that. Relax. I'll send you a letter and tell you when to worry. Ok?" He nodded and turned away. I saw Darry wrap an arm around him just before Soda threw himself at me.
"I hate this. We ain't been apart since first grade. I 'm not sure I know how to get through a day without you."
"One day at a time, Soda. The same way I'm going to get through." I was so close to crying and I was glad that they called my flight number to start boarding. I pulled away from Soda's hug and said, "I gotta go, guys. I'll write as soon as I can." Everybody was waving as I boarded the plane. "I should have told them."
~END FLASHBACK~
"Should have told us what?" asked Soda.
"That I love you."