A/N I am so sorry this took so long to update! My computer crashed again
so I was unable to work on this and my husband was mobilized and shipped to
the Gulf so I haven't really wanted to write about the horrors of war
lately. Thank you to everybody who took the time to read and review the
previous chapters and who will hopefully review this one.
DISCLAIMER: If they were in the Outsiders they belong to SE Hinton; if they weren't then they belong to me (especially Pip, who is my real life husband and a real life Sea Bee)
Chapter 5
The Battle at Khe Sanh
My body shook as I tried to block out the images of Wrong Way, Road Kill, Wild Bill and Shadow. I closed my eyes but the images were burned into my brain: Wrong Way dangling above the ground with 18 inch spikes sticking out of his chest, Road Kill with his legs blow off bleeding to death on the jungle floor, Wild Bill's brains splashing against my face, and Shadow bleeding to death in my arms as his blood soaked through my shirt, and as soft as a breeze I heard Road Kill whispering, "Don't forget me. Don't forget any of us."
All around me I could hear gunfire and bombs exploding, I could smell the rain, blood and death. There was a soft shuffle behind me and I swung around quickly and wrapped my arms around my attacker's throat. "I'm going to kill you, you fucking gook bastard!" I screamed as I slowly squeezed the life out of his helpless body. I could hear someone shouting and I knew that I was surrounded. "Get the fuck away from me or I'll kill him." I looked down at the body that was slowly going limp and saw Ponyboy's eyes, round with fear staring up at me. Slowly the jungle faded and the kitchen came into focus and I could hear Darry saying softly, "Let him go Steve. Pony's not the enemy so let him go." He slowly moved closer and touched my wrist. "Let him go, Steve." It was said softly but forcefully and I loosened my grip. Pony slid to the floor and was quickly pulled into Soda's protective embrace. Darry backed away and I buried my face in my hands and began bawling. "I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I didn't mean to hurt him. I thought I was back there. I thought he was one of them. I'm sorry." I couldn't quit bawling and I couldn't quit trying to explain.
Suddenly, Soda's voice rang out sharp and urgent. "Pony, no," he said as his little brother walked cautiously towards me. Ponyboy stopped just out of arms reach and said, "Steve?"
I didn't answer.
"Steve, I can't even begin to imagine the Hell you're going through and I won't insult you by pretending that I do. I think you're really brave to talk about it and I think you're really brave to have been there in the first place."
I looked at him. There was no sign of fear in his face, just caution. There was no anger, hate, revulsion or pity. There was only sadness, concern, and compassion.
Pony slowly stepped closer. "Don't stop talking now, Steve. I know it probably gets worse before it gets better but I also know you're strong enough and brave enough to tell the rest of it." He stepped a little closer. "Aside from my brothers, you are the person I look up to the most." He was close enough to squeeze my shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything you went through, Steve." He knelt down so that he was looking me in the eye, "You said you did things that you weren't proud of but no matter what you did I'm proud to know you and proud to call you my friend."
I grabbed him and pulled him to me in a desperate hug. I tried to speak but I bawled like a baby instead. Pony didn't say anything, he didn't try to get me to stop crying or even try to tell me that things would be OK, he just held me tightly while I cried. Finally, I cried myself out and pulled away from Pony. Before he broke contact he looked at me and said, "Feel better?"
I managed a shaky smile and said, "A little." He gave my shoulder a squeeze and backed away. I noticed everyone trying to look at me without actually looking at me. I hurriedly wiped my eyes and said, "It did get worse. In January all Hell broke loose."
~FLASHBACK~
After Shadow died I spent a lot of time alone. I couldn't handle losing another buddy so I tried to keep away from everybody. Pip had other ideas. He was constantly in my face either bitching about my attitude and how it was fucking up morale or trying to cheer me up. Finally I had enough. "Go away and leave me the fuck alone, Pip!" I screamed at him.
"Fuck you!" he screamed back. "Do you think you're the only one who's all tore up inside because a buddy died? Do you think the rest of us don't feel like shit? You want to know how to get through this?" He shoved an M- 16 into my hands and said, "Get your ass out there and do your fucking job: fill the goddamn sand bags, reinforce the bunkers, stand the fucking watches, and if you see one of them little bastards you shoot him. What you don't do is sit around on your goddamn ass feeling sorry for yourself!"
I glared at him as I propped the M-16 against a tree, "Who the Hell do you think you are?"
He stood so close to me that his spit splattered against my face as he roared, "I'm a Sea Bee with a job to do! If something needs building, I build it; if it needs tearing down, I tear it down; if it needs defending, I defend it, and if it needs killing, I kill it because that's my job! If you ain't man enough to do the job then go play with the pussies in the Army otherwise shut up and do your fucking job!"
I wiped my face and stared at the ground for a second or two and then I took a swing at him. That one swing was all I got; the man out ranked me, outweighed me, and out powered me. I was slammed against a bunker so hard that my teeth rattled.
Pip's hand tightened around my throat as he growled, "That's your free one, you fucking little punk. If you ever swing at me again I'll bury you." His eyes were blazing and his face was red with rage as he slammed my head into the bunker again before stomping off.
When he was about ten feet away from me I let out a yell and started running. Pip turned and I threw myself at him swinging wildly. I managed to land a few good punches before he socked me in the gut. As I lay gasping in the mud, Bulldog ran up shouting, "Pip! Hey Pip!" He skidded to a stop, "What the Hell happened?" he asked.
"Nothin'," said Pip as he wiped blood from his lip. "Anything happen, Randle?" he growled at me.
"Not a damn thing happened, Petty Officer." I'm not stupid, if I had said what really happened I stood a good chance of being court martialed.
Bulldog gave us both a look that said he though we were full of shit but he wasn't going to do a thing about it. "Well, while you two were out here not beating the shit out of each other you missed the scuttlebutt.
"About what?" I asked, getting slowly to my feet.
"The build up of enemy forces. Charlie's gonna try to take over the base."
"What's the official word?" asked Pip.
"The powers that be say it's just a bunch of rumors and that there is no evidence that Charlie is up to anything."
"Which means that Charlie is building up forces and the shit is gonna hit the fan around here," stated Pip matter of factly.
"How can you know that?" I asked. I was so surprised by the possibility that I forgot that I was pissed at him.
"This is my second fucking tour in this hell hole," he hissed at me. "I've learned the rules of surviving and rule number one is that the powers that be are always wrong when they disregard scuttlebutt or underestimate the enemy."
That was good enough for me. I didn't trust the opinion of anyone who tried to run the war without leaving their nice safe little offices anyway. Besides, Pip might be a complete and total prick but he was no idiot.
After that bit of news I pulled my head out of my ass and dug in for the attack that we all seemed to know was coming.
Three days later the North Vietnamese Army attacked the base. One minute it's a typical day: random rounds flying in but nothing serious; the next minute there are explosions, gunfire, and shrapnel flying every where. I grabbed my weapon and rolled into a bunker. All around me my shipmates were returning fire. If those gook bastards thought they were taking our base they were sadly mistaken.
The days that followed were pure Hell. We were pinned in our bunkers with a limited supply of ammo and nothing to eat but c-rations. The walls seemed to close in on us as the bullets rained down on us. I think it was even harder on the Marines on the base than it was us though. Those guys are trained to fight, to attack, and all they could do now was sit in their bunkers and try to keep from getting killed. Unfortunately, we weren't doing to good at that. I don't know how many men I saw killed during that battle.
Early one morning, as screams of pain and anguish hung in the air and mingled with the smell of death, blood and fear, I saw Bulldog go down. As I ran from the bunker I had one thought: I have to get Bulldog to safety. I was less than three yards from him when a burning pain shot through my leg and I crumpled to the ground. As I lay there screaming in agony, I heard a huge explosion and saw a bright flash. "Oh fuck!" I heard someone yell, "they got the ammo shed!" I tried to get up, to crawl, to move, but it was useless. I sprawled there in the mud and blood and knew I was going to die.
The next thing I knew I was waking up in a clean bed and I hurt like Hell. I groaned through clenched teeth and heard someone say, "Damn it Slick, I hoped I would never see you in here."
I knew that voice. "Bubba?" I asked as I slowly opened my eyes.
"Yeah, it's me. I'm going to give you something to make you sleep, just a little prick. There we go."
"Bubba," I said groggily, strugglin to ask him something before the morphine took full effect. "My leg," I mumbled, "Save my leg."
The last thing I saw was the look of sadness and pain on his face as Bubba said softly, "I'm sorry, Buddy," and I slipped into drug induced sleep.
~END FLASHBACK~
"That's all I have to say about that."
Tears rolled down Pony's face, Soda and Two-Bit looked green, and Darry was pale. The silence was thick, the mood was heavy, and nobody spoke.
DISCLAIMER: If they were in the Outsiders they belong to SE Hinton; if they weren't then they belong to me (especially Pip, who is my real life husband and a real life Sea Bee)
Chapter 5
The Battle at Khe Sanh
My body shook as I tried to block out the images of Wrong Way, Road Kill, Wild Bill and Shadow. I closed my eyes but the images were burned into my brain: Wrong Way dangling above the ground with 18 inch spikes sticking out of his chest, Road Kill with his legs blow off bleeding to death on the jungle floor, Wild Bill's brains splashing against my face, and Shadow bleeding to death in my arms as his blood soaked through my shirt, and as soft as a breeze I heard Road Kill whispering, "Don't forget me. Don't forget any of us."
All around me I could hear gunfire and bombs exploding, I could smell the rain, blood and death. There was a soft shuffle behind me and I swung around quickly and wrapped my arms around my attacker's throat. "I'm going to kill you, you fucking gook bastard!" I screamed as I slowly squeezed the life out of his helpless body. I could hear someone shouting and I knew that I was surrounded. "Get the fuck away from me or I'll kill him." I looked down at the body that was slowly going limp and saw Ponyboy's eyes, round with fear staring up at me. Slowly the jungle faded and the kitchen came into focus and I could hear Darry saying softly, "Let him go Steve. Pony's not the enemy so let him go." He slowly moved closer and touched my wrist. "Let him go, Steve." It was said softly but forcefully and I loosened my grip. Pony slid to the floor and was quickly pulled into Soda's protective embrace. Darry backed away and I buried my face in my hands and began bawling. "I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I didn't mean to hurt him. I thought I was back there. I thought he was one of them. I'm sorry." I couldn't quit bawling and I couldn't quit trying to explain.
Suddenly, Soda's voice rang out sharp and urgent. "Pony, no," he said as his little brother walked cautiously towards me. Ponyboy stopped just out of arms reach and said, "Steve?"
I didn't answer.
"Steve, I can't even begin to imagine the Hell you're going through and I won't insult you by pretending that I do. I think you're really brave to talk about it and I think you're really brave to have been there in the first place."
I looked at him. There was no sign of fear in his face, just caution. There was no anger, hate, revulsion or pity. There was only sadness, concern, and compassion.
Pony slowly stepped closer. "Don't stop talking now, Steve. I know it probably gets worse before it gets better but I also know you're strong enough and brave enough to tell the rest of it." He stepped a little closer. "Aside from my brothers, you are the person I look up to the most." He was close enough to squeeze my shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything you went through, Steve." He knelt down so that he was looking me in the eye, "You said you did things that you weren't proud of but no matter what you did I'm proud to know you and proud to call you my friend."
I grabbed him and pulled him to me in a desperate hug. I tried to speak but I bawled like a baby instead. Pony didn't say anything, he didn't try to get me to stop crying or even try to tell me that things would be OK, he just held me tightly while I cried. Finally, I cried myself out and pulled away from Pony. Before he broke contact he looked at me and said, "Feel better?"
I managed a shaky smile and said, "A little." He gave my shoulder a squeeze and backed away. I noticed everyone trying to look at me without actually looking at me. I hurriedly wiped my eyes and said, "It did get worse. In January all Hell broke loose."
~FLASHBACK~
After Shadow died I spent a lot of time alone. I couldn't handle losing another buddy so I tried to keep away from everybody. Pip had other ideas. He was constantly in my face either bitching about my attitude and how it was fucking up morale or trying to cheer me up. Finally I had enough. "Go away and leave me the fuck alone, Pip!" I screamed at him.
"Fuck you!" he screamed back. "Do you think you're the only one who's all tore up inside because a buddy died? Do you think the rest of us don't feel like shit? You want to know how to get through this?" He shoved an M- 16 into my hands and said, "Get your ass out there and do your fucking job: fill the goddamn sand bags, reinforce the bunkers, stand the fucking watches, and if you see one of them little bastards you shoot him. What you don't do is sit around on your goddamn ass feeling sorry for yourself!"
I glared at him as I propped the M-16 against a tree, "Who the Hell do you think you are?"
He stood so close to me that his spit splattered against my face as he roared, "I'm a Sea Bee with a job to do! If something needs building, I build it; if it needs tearing down, I tear it down; if it needs defending, I defend it, and if it needs killing, I kill it because that's my job! If you ain't man enough to do the job then go play with the pussies in the Army otherwise shut up and do your fucking job!"
I wiped my face and stared at the ground for a second or two and then I took a swing at him. That one swing was all I got; the man out ranked me, outweighed me, and out powered me. I was slammed against a bunker so hard that my teeth rattled.
Pip's hand tightened around my throat as he growled, "That's your free one, you fucking little punk. If you ever swing at me again I'll bury you." His eyes were blazing and his face was red with rage as he slammed my head into the bunker again before stomping off.
When he was about ten feet away from me I let out a yell and started running. Pip turned and I threw myself at him swinging wildly. I managed to land a few good punches before he socked me in the gut. As I lay gasping in the mud, Bulldog ran up shouting, "Pip! Hey Pip!" He skidded to a stop, "What the Hell happened?" he asked.
"Nothin'," said Pip as he wiped blood from his lip. "Anything happen, Randle?" he growled at me.
"Not a damn thing happened, Petty Officer." I'm not stupid, if I had said what really happened I stood a good chance of being court martialed.
Bulldog gave us both a look that said he though we were full of shit but he wasn't going to do a thing about it. "Well, while you two were out here not beating the shit out of each other you missed the scuttlebutt.
"About what?" I asked, getting slowly to my feet.
"The build up of enemy forces. Charlie's gonna try to take over the base."
"What's the official word?" asked Pip.
"The powers that be say it's just a bunch of rumors and that there is no evidence that Charlie is up to anything."
"Which means that Charlie is building up forces and the shit is gonna hit the fan around here," stated Pip matter of factly.
"How can you know that?" I asked. I was so surprised by the possibility that I forgot that I was pissed at him.
"This is my second fucking tour in this hell hole," he hissed at me. "I've learned the rules of surviving and rule number one is that the powers that be are always wrong when they disregard scuttlebutt or underestimate the enemy."
That was good enough for me. I didn't trust the opinion of anyone who tried to run the war without leaving their nice safe little offices anyway. Besides, Pip might be a complete and total prick but he was no idiot.
After that bit of news I pulled my head out of my ass and dug in for the attack that we all seemed to know was coming.
Three days later the North Vietnamese Army attacked the base. One minute it's a typical day: random rounds flying in but nothing serious; the next minute there are explosions, gunfire, and shrapnel flying every where. I grabbed my weapon and rolled into a bunker. All around me my shipmates were returning fire. If those gook bastards thought they were taking our base they were sadly mistaken.
The days that followed were pure Hell. We were pinned in our bunkers with a limited supply of ammo and nothing to eat but c-rations. The walls seemed to close in on us as the bullets rained down on us. I think it was even harder on the Marines on the base than it was us though. Those guys are trained to fight, to attack, and all they could do now was sit in their bunkers and try to keep from getting killed. Unfortunately, we weren't doing to good at that. I don't know how many men I saw killed during that battle.
Early one morning, as screams of pain and anguish hung in the air and mingled with the smell of death, blood and fear, I saw Bulldog go down. As I ran from the bunker I had one thought: I have to get Bulldog to safety. I was less than three yards from him when a burning pain shot through my leg and I crumpled to the ground. As I lay there screaming in agony, I heard a huge explosion and saw a bright flash. "Oh fuck!" I heard someone yell, "they got the ammo shed!" I tried to get up, to crawl, to move, but it was useless. I sprawled there in the mud and blood and knew I was going to die.
The next thing I knew I was waking up in a clean bed and I hurt like Hell. I groaned through clenched teeth and heard someone say, "Damn it Slick, I hoped I would never see you in here."
I knew that voice. "Bubba?" I asked as I slowly opened my eyes.
"Yeah, it's me. I'm going to give you something to make you sleep, just a little prick. There we go."
"Bubba," I said groggily, strugglin to ask him something before the morphine took full effect. "My leg," I mumbled, "Save my leg."
The last thing I saw was the look of sadness and pain on his face as Bubba said softly, "I'm sorry, Buddy," and I slipped into drug induced sleep.
~END FLASHBACK~
"That's all I have to say about that."
Tears rolled down Pony's face, Soda and Two-Bit looked green, and Darry was pale. The silence was thick, the mood was heavy, and nobody spoke.