Disclaimer: I own very little. Disney owns Newsies, Aesop owns the fables, other stuff belongs to other people, Ink belongs to me.

*Moral- Don't sue me.


A/N[1]: Wow, I'm writing my fourth chapter already! Rock on!





Tale 4: Mercury and the Woodman





All of the boys are surveying the stage with apprehension.


Jack: "Race, what's wit the giant tank of water?"


Race: "I dunno Jack, Ink jus' told me ta put da water on da stage."


Spot walks on stage, dragging Snoody behind him.


Spot: "Here he is now give me my cane back!"


Ink: "SNOODY!"


She runs over to Snoody and glomps him.


Ink: "Snoody, are you okay, what happened, are you hurt?"


Snoody: "It was terrible, Spot slipped something into my drink, then he locked me in dis closet, only it wasn't a normal closet, the crazed fangirl who kept me locked in dere called it a snogging closet!"


Snoody breaks down into tears, as anyone would after such a horrible experience.


Ink: "There, there, it's okay now, you're back with me."


Snoody starts sobbing harder.


Ink: "Oh I give up."


She thinks for a moment, and then begins to grow excited.


Ink: "Snoody! You can narrate again!"


Snoody cheers up a bit.


Ink: "Alright everybody, places!"


Snoody walks onto the stage, opens the storybook, and begins.


Snoody: "An honest, hard-working woodman was felling a tree on the bank of a deep river."


Crutchy limps onto the stage, carrying a large plastic ax.


Crutchy: "Umm, Ink, where's da tree?"


Ink: "Opps!"


Racetrack takes this convenient opportunity to walk into her line of sight.


Ink grabs him.


Ink: "Here Crutchy, fell Race."


Race: "What are we doin' ta Race?"


Skittery: "Ya don't wanna know."


Ink pushes Race onto the stage.


Ink: "Race, just hold still. Crutchy, try not to really hit him.


She walks back off stage.


Crutchy raises the ax.


Race: "Crutchy old buddy old pal..."


Crutchy swings,

Race: "Ouch!"


Crutchy: "Sorry."


He swings,


Race: "Ouch!"


Crutchy: "Sorry."


He swings yet again,


Race: "Ouch goddamn it!"


Crutchy: "Sorry Race."


He prepares to swing again, but Snoody interrupts,


Snoody: "In some way his hand slipped and his ax fell into the water and immediately sank to the bottom."


Race: "THANK GOD!"


Jack: "Race, you're such a baby."


Race: "Shut up fox-boy."


Jack shuts up, and Crutchy hurls his ax into the tank of water center stage.


Snoody: "Being a poor man who could ill afford to lose the tool by which he earned his livelihood he sat down and lamented his loss most bitterly."


Crutchy: "Goddamn, mother-loving ax falls into the stupid son-of-a-whoring river, and now I can't fell the friggin' tree, or make any money."


Everyone looks at Crutchy, shocked.


Ink: "Crutchy, can you go a little less bitter perhaps?"


Crutchy beams.


Crutchy: "Sure, my stupid ax fell into the water. Boo hoo! Better?"


Ink: "Much."


Snoody: "But Mercury, whose river it was, suddenly appeared on the scene."


Snitch: "I swear to God Skittery, if you throw me in that tank, I will kill you!"


Skittery comes running full speed onto the stage, holding onto Snitch, who is trying to squirm free.


Skittery: "You will not!"


Snitch: "Probably not, but I will let rabid llamas attack you in your sleep."


Skittery laughs and does not realize how close to the tank he is, until it's too late. He trips over the edge, and falls into the water, dragging Snitch down with him.


Snitch: "OH MY GOD, THIS WATER IS FREEZING!"


Skittery: "HOLY SHIT!"

Dutchy: "Hey, I'm supposed to be Mercury!"

Not to be outdone, Dutchy grabs Specs, throws him over his shoulder, and takes off toward the tank.


Specs: "Dutchy no PUT ME DOWN, I don't want to go in the water, there are enough people wet already. DUTCHY STOP!"


Dutchy: "BONZI!"


::SPLASH::


All four boys, looking like wet rats, stand up in the waist deep water, and look at each other.


For a moment, no one says anything, then,


Snitch, Dutchy, Specs, Skittery: "Chicken Fight!"


Snitch climbs onto Skittery's shoulders, while Dutchy and Specs argue over whose on top.


Specs: "You weigh more than I do."


Dutchy: "But your a better base."


Specs: "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"


Dutchy: "HA! Paper beats rock, I win!"


Specs: "How does a stupid piece of paper beat a rock anyway?"


Dutchy shrugs, as Specs ducks under, and Dutchy nearly drowns him getting onto his shoulders. When both teams are up and ready, they rush at each other.


Race: "5 to 1 on Snitch and Skittery."


Everyone else: "Bum odds!"


(hehe, sorry I couldn't resist.)


Half an hour goes by, and the boys are still trying to knock each other down. Finally, Snitch shoves with all of his strength, and Dutchy and Specs topple over.


Snitch raises his arms in victory, and Skittery says,


Skittery: "Separated in a chicken fight, we are Snitch and Skittery, but together we are the undefeated, Chickenzilla!"


Ink: "Ahem. In case you had forgotten, we ARE in the middle of a story here."


Snoody: "Oh yeah. Where were we?"


Ink: "Mercury suddenly appeared on the scene."


Dutchy pops out of the water.


Dutchy: "You rang?"


Crutchy nods, and Snoody continues,


Snoody: "When he had learned of the woodman's misfortune, he offered to do what he could to help. Diving into the deep, swift-flowing stream, he brought up an ax made of solid gold."


Dutchy dives back into the tank, and brings up a plastic ax which has been painted canary yellow.


Dutchy: "Dis don't look like gold."


Ink: "Dutchy were on a budget, just deal okay?"


Dutchy: "Alrighty then."


He turns to Crutchy.


Dutchy: "Could this be yours?"


Snoody: "He asked."


Crutchy: "Hell yes!"


Ink smacks him upside the head.


Crutchy: "I mean, Alas, I wish it were,"


Snoody: "Replied the woodman sadly."


Spot rushes on stage and glares menacingly at Ink.


Spot: "Where's my cane?"


Ink: "Oh yeah... I threw it in the back somewhere."


Spot: "You THREW my CANE!"


Ink looks at Spot calmly,


Ink: "Yeah, it's in the back, go get it if you want it."


Spot rushes back stage, and digs threw the large pile of animal tails and pixie wings. After several minutes he finds his cane, and clutches it protectively to his chest.


He runs back across the stage, speaking soothingly,


Spot: "It's okay baby, I wont let those bad people hurt ya eva again."


He walks off the other side of the stage, stroking his cane lovingly.


(stop thinking perverted thoughts!)


Les: "What in Blue Weasel Village was that?"


All of the actors shrug, and get on with the story.


Snoody: "Again Mercury dived into the icy-cold water and this time brought up an ax made of solid silver."


Dutchy dives, then comes up whining,


Dutchy: "Ink, I've lost the feeling in all of my extremities."


Ink: "All of them?"


Dutchy: "ALL of them!"


Ink: "Well, it's not my fault Race filled the tank with cold water."


Everyone looks at Race.


Race: "Meep!"

He runs away with a gaggle of wet boys chasing him.


Snoody: "But again the woodman shook his head and denied that the tool belonged to him."


Crutchy: "That's not mine either, Dude get it right this time huh? I'm getting tired of standing here!"


Dutchy and Ink glare at him.


Snoody: "Mercury dived a third time and produced the identical ax which the man had lost."


Crutchy: "Took ya long enough!"


Dutchy throws the ax at Crutchy's head.


Crutchy: "Ouch!"


Race: "HA!"


Snoody: "Naturally the owner was delighted to see his trusty ax once more, and so was Mercury."


Dutchy: "You are an honest jerk, and a good man, sometimes."


Snoody: "Said the messenger of the gods."


Dutchy: "For some unfathomable reason, I want you to take the golden and the silver ax as a reward for telling the truth."


Crutchy spits in Dutchy's general direction, and walks off.


Snoody: "Thanking his benefactor, (sort of) the woodman ran home to tell his wife of his good fortune."


Ink pushes Spot onto the stage. He is wearing a dress, and a bonnet.


Spot: "I'm gonna KILL you!"

Crutchy and Snoody sniger.


Crutchy: "Dear wife, guess what happened today?"


Spot: "I ain't your wife, and I don't give a damn."


He walks back off stage, struggling with the bow of the bonnet.


Snoody: "As the story spread, one of the neighbors rushed down to the same spot on the river bank,"


Les rushes onto the stage, dragging a giant plastic ax behind him.


Snoody: "Threw his ax into the water,"


Les hurls the ax, barely missing hitting Dutchy.


Snoody: "And began to moan and groan over his loss."


Les begins moaning loudly, sounding quite a bit like a platypus in heat.


Skittery: "He sounds like a platypus in heat."

Ink nods.


Snoody: "Just as before, Mercury appeared, and learning what had occurred, dived into the water and fetched up a golden ax."


Dutchy: "This is getting rather monotonous!"


He dives and comes up with the stupid canary yellow ax.


Dutchy: "Is this the ax you coughthrewcough lost my ::ahem:: friend?"


Snoody: "He asked."


Les looks at the tool awestruck, as canary yellow is his favorite color.


Les: "Yes, yes, that's it."


Snoody: "Lied the man,"


Boots: "Obviously."


Snoody: "greedily reaching for the golden ax in Mercury's hand."


Les jumps on Dutchy's back, and tries to wrestle the ax out of his grip.


Dutchy: "Ack!"


Snoody: "But just as he was about to grasp the ax of gold,"


Les pauses for a moment, leaving Dutchy gasping for breath.


Snoody: "Mercury said:"


Dutchy: "Not so ::gasp:: fast, ::gasp:: sir. You are lying, ::gasp:: and to punish you ::gasp:: for not being truthful, ::gasp:: I am not only denying you this, but I am leaving your own ax at the bottom of the river."


Les's bottom lip begins to quiver, then he rushes off of the stage, and begins to throw a temper tantrum in the dressing room.


Ink: "Les, if you break anything, you have to pay for it."


Snitch mogs onto the stage, looking morose.


Snitch: "No one will give me any more sugar."


Skittery tiptoes onto the stage, and presses something into Snitch's hand.


Snitch opens his hand and gawks at it's sugary contents, before pouncing on Skittery, and glomping him to death.


Skittery: "Snitch, ya still gotta do da moral!"


Snitch: "Oh yeah, dis moral is, Honesty is the best policy."


He then drags Skittery off stage, to find the storage closet which doubled as the snogging closet in the weird world which was this story.


All of a sudden, a loud "ACK!" is herd as Race is dropped head first into the freezing water tank.


The curtain drops.





A/N[2]: God that chapter was LONG!!!! By the way, the chicken fight was based on a true story, my brother was on my shoulders for a half an hour. That sucked! But we won! Anyway, it's time for... Shoutouts!

~Ink


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shoutouts!



SPECSGLASSES~ Your reviews are awesome! It's too bad you're sick, I'm sick too. The doctor thinks I have mono. On the up side, now I have more time to write, And sleep, I like sleep. Anyway, here's the candy I promised.


Specs walks out carrying a bowl of hot chicken soup.


Specs: "Snitch, have you got the warheads and pixistix?"


Snitch bounds up behind him, nearly knocking him over.


Snitch: "YeahIgotthecandyrighthere."

(Yeah I got the candy right here.)


Specs: "SNITCH, STOP EATING THE PIXISTIX! Those are for Alarice."


Snitch: "OkaySpecsI'llstopeatingthepixistixbutIreallylikepixistixbecausetheyaresooogood theyarelikefireworksinJulyandpreasntsonChristmasandcandlesonabirthdaycakeandlovein hespringtimeandmorningdewonadaisy."

(Okay Specs I'll stop eating the pixistix, but I really like pixistix because they are sooo good, they are like fireworks in July, and presents on Christmas, and candles on a birthday cake, and love in the springtime, and morning dew on a daisy.)


Specs stares at Snitch, who hasn't taken a breath for that entire speech.


Specs: "I hope you feel better Alarice!"


He hands you the soup.


Snitch: "Yeahandbesuretoeatallofthecandytoobecausesugarmakesyouhappyandwhenyour happyI'mhappyandsugarissooocooldon'tyouthink?"

(Yeah, and be sure to eat all of the candy too, because sugar makes you happy, and when your happy I'm happy, and sugar is sooo cool, don't you think?"


Specs grabs Snitch and drags him back to the story.


Specs: "Thanks for the review!"



SPAZJOSLYN~ So much story, so little time. Days should be longer! I' ll update as much as humanly possible. I'm glad you found it funny. Now for your candy.


Ink: "Race, you have a delivery to make."


Race: "How often are you gonna change my job? First I'm a costume designer, then I'm da narrator, now I'm a delivery boy?"


Ink: "But Race, you're delivering candy to a reviewer!"


Race: "Why didn't you say so!"


He grabs the candy, and runs to you. He takes your hand and kisses it, before handing you a bag filled with warheads and pixistix of all flavors.


Race: "I hope you like it! Thanks for the review!"



PBUTTERCUP~ I'm glad you liked it! Sugar highs are the best kind of high! Since you reviewed, you get candy!


Skittery walks out and hands you a garbage bag filled to the top with pixistix and warheads.


Skittery: "Thank you sooooooo much for reviewing!"