I found Harry sitting on the porch, alone. I sat down beside him. I watched him, as I always did when I was near him. He was so beautiful, with his untidy raven hair and those emerald green eyes, worth more to me than life itself. I cringed. Maybe not. I can't use that saying. He meant more to me than....than...than all the knowledge on heaven or earth. There, much better.
He used to be so vibrant. So alive. When he smiled, his whole face lit up and glowed. He doesn't smile anymore. He just mopes there, depressed. He often sits out on the porch steps, as if waiting for someone to come home. I knew who he was waiting for. If only....
Sitting beside him, I think of the times when we were happy. The four of us used to take picnics near the lake. I remember one time clearly. I shoved Harry into the lake after he splashed me. Then Anna jumped in after him. He caught her and let her go so she could swim around. Michael jumped in after her. I sat on the rock near the edge. Harry swam over and asked me to come in.
"No, Harry, I have a meeting later. I don't need to smell like lake for it."
He wouldn't give up, though. "Come on. Just a little dip."
I refused and he pulled me in. I screamed and the children laughed. That day was the first time Harry had kissed me in front of Anna and Michael. And it wasn't a little kiss either. It was the kind of kisses he gave me when we were young and in Hogwarts.
"Dad, I've been looking for you all over," Anna said, coming out of the house.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked.
"Nothing. I just wanted to find you. Are you thinking about Mom?" Anna was so innocent. She had no idea what had happened.
"Yeah, pumpkin. I'm thinking about Mom." He put his head on his hands and looked out into space.
"You need to...." She was going to say something, but changed her mind. She knew that it was best if she let it alone. "I'm going back in."
Harry never responded.
***************
I curse this house. I curse it all. I wish that I had never seen it. I wish that we had never decided to live here. I wish we were all at home in London. Never here. Never ever.
But wishes don't get us anywhere. I have wished too many times to think of them coming true. They never do.
If we had never moved here, we would be happy. We would all be together. We'd never have to hear Michael cry at night. I hear his tears at night when he thinks all are asleep. I walk into his room and watch him cry, my heart filling with pain because I know that I can't stop him. We would never have to fear that Anna would never talk again. She didn't talk much now. She was so smart, but she didn't talk much. She spoke, but she was more quiet than any other girl I'd ever met. We wouldn't have to see Harry break down and sob. We wouldn't need to see him, a grown man, broken and hurt. I wanted to see his smile. I wanted to see him smile because he was happy.
And you know what? Because of the past, because of my foolishness, and because of this house, we live in despair. And you know what else?
I'm dead.
He used to be so vibrant. So alive. When he smiled, his whole face lit up and glowed. He doesn't smile anymore. He just mopes there, depressed. He often sits out on the porch steps, as if waiting for someone to come home. I knew who he was waiting for. If only....
Sitting beside him, I think of the times when we were happy. The four of us used to take picnics near the lake. I remember one time clearly. I shoved Harry into the lake after he splashed me. Then Anna jumped in after him. He caught her and let her go so she could swim around. Michael jumped in after her. I sat on the rock near the edge. Harry swam over and asked me to come in.
"No, Harry, I have a meeting later. I don't need to smell like lake for it."
He wouldn't give up, though. "Come on. Just a little dip."
I refused and he pulled me in. I screamed and the children laughed. That day was the first time Harry had kissed me in front of Anna and Michael. And it wasn't a little kiss either. It was the kind of kisses he gave me when we were young and in Hogwarts.
"Dad, I've been looking for you all over," Anna said, coming out of the house.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked.
"Nothing. I just wanted to find you. Are you thinking about Mom?" Anna was so innocent. She had no idea what had happened.
"Yeah, pumpkin. I'm thinking about Mom." He put his head on his hands and looked out into space.
"You need to...." She was going to say something, but changed her mind. She knew that it was best if she let it alone. "I'm going back in."
Harry never responded.
***************
I curse this house. I curse it all. I wish that I had never seen it. I wish that we had never decided to live here. I wish we were all at home in London. Never here. Never ever.
But wishes don't get us anywhere. I have wished too many times to think of them coming true. They never do.
If we had never moved here, we would be happy. We would all be together. We'd never have to hear Michael cry at night. I hear his tears at night when he thinks all are asleep. I walk into his room and watch him cry, my heart filling with pain because I know that I can't stop him. We would never have to fear that Anna would never talk again. She didn't talk much now. She was so smart, but she didn't talk much. She spoke, but she was more quiet than any other girl I'd ever met. We wouldn't have to see Harry break down and sob. We wouldn't need to see him, a grown man, broken and hurt. I wanted to see his smile. I wanted to see him smile because he was happy.
And you know what? Because of the past, because of my foolishness, and because of this house, we live in despair. And you know what else?
I'm dead.