Chapter 5
When A Man Loves A Woman
by: Jade
Disclaimer: Dawson's Creek
is not my property.
Author's Note: A BIG thank you to Jean who has single-handedly been
responsible for the beautiful banners for about all of my fanfic.
The season finale is
approaching and I'm dying of suspense. It's not a good thing.
*In order to avoid confusion, I'd just like to re-establish the grounds on
which this fan fiction is based - I began writing Saved in the period
between 'Cinderella Story' and 'Neverland' and so keep in mind that certain
aspects and the eventual outcomes of the relationships between the characters,
as this season nears its conclusion, are all of my imagination and may/may not
be entirely different from the actual thing*
"And when I
kissed you
You would almost always kiss me back
But I could tell your mind was with someone else...
Picturing your body as I ask myself if you love me too
Wishing that you love me too
Listen to my nervous laughter
Sunken deep inside my heart
My lips are dry, I'm teary eyed
For you my love...
By the time she caught sight of him, it was
too late to walk back into the building and pretend she hadn't seen him.
"Hello, Joey."
"What are you doing here?" Her gaze wandered nervously as she spoke.
"We had to meet sometime."
"Now is not a good time."
"Why are you whispering?"
She moved past him and ran down the steps in front of her workplace quickly. He
easily caught up to her.
"You can't be here. I'm meeting Pacey."
Dawson straightened his shoulders, keeping his hands in his pockets.
"Good. I haven't seen him in awhile."
She let out a sigh of resignation. "Please give me a chance to tell him
before you do this."
He stared at her for a long time before he relented. "You know for a
person who has absolutely nothing to hide, you're acting pretty guilty."
She watched him walk away and briefly closed her eyes before heading for the
opposite direction.
*****
Her peace of mind had already been disrupted.
It wasn't like the world would fall apart if she told him. All she had to say
was, 'Pacey, Dawson's back' and get it over and done with.
It was as simple as that. Nothing would have to change; it wasn't like telling
the truth would create a rift in their marriage. No, it wasn't as if the world
would fall apart.
Maybe just her life.
"... and I told him I couldn't do it."
She nodded absently.
He watched her for a second before adding, "But I did tell him I'd shave
my head completely bald for a million dollars."
She nodded again.
"And when I found out he was a little green man, he insisted I take him to
our leader."
"Hmm."
And then realized that he wasn't saying anything more. She looked up to meet
his frown with questioning eyes.
"You haven't heard a word I've said. What's wrong?"
She had been caught. No amount of mental rehearsal would be enough anyway.
"Dawson's come home."
Her voice sounded strangely foreign to her ears.
"Come home where?" was all he could think to say.
"L.A. But he's in Manhattan now."
Pacey let out a short, humorless laugh and he kept his eyes on his glass of
water. "Great, we can get together and reminisce." The slight tilt of
his mouth died. "How long have you known?" His eyes lifted to hers as
he asked the question.
"I didn't want to tell you-"
"How long, Joey?" he interrupted softly.
"Two weeks."
His insomnia had started again. In the living
room he turned over his usual glass of brandy in his hand, examining it but not
really looking at it. He put his head back against his armchair and stared into
the lights outside.
She was sitting at the edge of their bed, looking out into the same lights from
the window in the bedroom. Finally she tightened the robe around her as she
shivered from the draft and got up.
He felt her presence before he saw her shadow come up to stay beside his. She
bent down and took his free hand resting on the arm of the chair.
He squeezed it back.
She moved around the chair to face him but didn't let go of his hand. She
watched quietly as he put his glass down and then returned her eyes to him.
"It's not like I didn't know this day would come," he said, grazing
her smooth cheek with the back of his hand.
"Pacey, we don't have to decide- I mean there's nothing-" she paused
not knowing how to continue and started to gesture, trying to articulate how
she felt, "I am not-"
She was shushed by his hand that had moved over her mouth. "Don't say
anything that you're not sure of...yet," he told her softly. "I might
not be able to take it if what you say tonight doesn't come true."
She closed her eyes and when she opened them again, they were shining with
unshed tears.
"Come here."
She straightened and got on the chair with him where he gathered her close and
buried his face in her hair.
"Please understand I would never deliberately hurt you," she murmured
against his chest.
"I know."
With an eagerness that seared him with regret, Joey dragged his mouth to hers,
wrapping her arms around his neck as they both attempted to forget everything
that night but the comfort they found in each other.
She opened her eyes and the first thing she
felt was the leg that was swung over hers possessively.
She groaned inwardly, reluctant to look sideways to face up to reality before
she could come up with a thousand reasons to convince herself that it had been
a mistake anyone could have made.
She inhaled and turned to look and what she saw momentarily took her breath
away.
With his hair all rumpled, his eyelashes unbelievably long framing a pair of
eyes that when opened always twinkled at her mischievously, and his mouth
slightly open offering the sound of even breathing, he looked absolutely,
absolutely-
She jumped when the phone started to ring. Cursing softly, she struggled to
find the cordless somewhere in the room. She looked under the bed, wondering if
they might have kicked it there by accident in the middle of their, errm...
She left that thought behind and knocked the air out of him as she leant over
to his side of the bed and saw it lying on the floor. She grabbed it and
pressed the Talk button before she realized she wasn't at her apartment.
"Hello?" a female voice rang out from the other end of the line.
"Shit," she muttered. She did the next best thing. He was rousing
from his sleep and she hastily put the phone to his ear.
"H-eellllooo?" the voice called out again.
He opened both eyes, now alert. "Err, Jen?"
"Yes, Jen is my name. What's with you?"
Pacey looked to Joey for help but her face was already buried in her pillow.
"I'm sorry. You caught me a little off-guard. I had a late night-" he
grinned a little when Joey smacked him on the arm.
They spoke a little while more and was about to hang up when Jen stopped him.
"Hey you know where Joey is?"
"Joey?" He gulped.
"Yeah, Joey."
She looked up when she heard her name and her eyes widened in panic.
"It's just a little strange. She canceled on me last night, saying she had
a ton of reading to do and was going to call for takeout. When I rang back less
than a minute later to remind her of our lunch date today, she wasn't home or
at least she was letting her machine pick up. No one answered the phone just
now either."
"No!" he said a little too loudly.
"Huh?"
"Nope, I don't have a clue where she is."
"Errm," Jen said, wondering why Pacey sounded so strained and jumpy.
"Okay then. I'll see you later."
"Bye." He quickly disconnected the call and dropped the phone back to
the floor. Falling back on his pillow and lifting his hand to rest it on his
forehead, he said, "That was too close for words."
"That's it." She scrambled off from under the covers and Pacey caught
a glimpse of thigh when her camisole was hiked up in the process.
"What's it?" he asked distractedly. She was picking her clothes off
the floor but she kept missing them the first time and had to keep bending
forward, offering him a pretty good view.
"Last night was a very, very bad mistake," she told him.
Pacey raised his brow "Twice?"
She threw her clothes in his face. And fell into a chair behind her with her
head falling forward between her hands and she kept muttering incoherently,
"This is not good. What the hell am I doing? I must be completely insane.
Shit, shit shit!"
Pacey went around the bed and knelt in front of her. "Hey," he said
softly, cupping her chin to tilt her face toward him. To his surprise, her
eyelashes were damp.
She sniffled. "I should have tried harder to stay away after what happened
last week."
"Joey-"
"Don't you see, Pacey? We've made a complete mess of things. Everything
would have been fine if we just stayed the way we were. Friends. Platonic.
Period."
"Joey, we will always be friends." He held her gaze. "Just not
the type you want. Things were bound to change, whether we liked it or not."
"There's enough complication in my life. A fling is the last thing I
need."
His heart dropped at her choice of words. "I'm not asking for
anything."
"Neither am I." She shook her head as she said, "But I've never
been one for anything casual. It's either all when and if I'm ready or
nothing at all."
He got off the floor and moved to sit on the bed. There was a long moment of
silence between them.
She stood up. "I'd better go." She collected her clothes and
disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes. When she was done, she picked
up her bag in the living room. She hesitated but walked back to the bedroom. He
hadn't moved from his position.
"I'll see you later?"
He gave her an imperceptible nod from the back.
She nearly went up to him but she didn't. Instead, she went out the front door
and closed it quietly after her.
*****
"Where were you last night, Joey?"
Jen seemed to be the only starving as she noted that her friends had hardly
touched the food on their plates. "I tried to reach you."
"Silly of me really," she smiled awkwardly. "I left the
important stuff in the office and had to go get it. When I got there, I thought
I might as well stay on and finish up."
"I certainly hope you were careful."
Pacey nearly choked on his potatoes.
"W-what?" Joey managed to croak.
Jen regarded Pacey whose coughing had subsided after having sipped some water.
"You know, being out on your own at night," she explained, although
her eyes didn't leave Pacey once. A tiny furrow appeared between her brows as
she started to move her eyes back and forth at the two of them, during which
Joey seemed to have developed a fascination with her steak.
Jen continued eating but she was feeling particularly pensive. "What did
you do last night, Pacey?"
"Guys' night out. Me and the boys went to a bar."
"Really?"
"Yes, really." He tried to stare her down but he was the one who
looked away first. "You know what, I just remembered that I promised Peter
to drop in at the studio to look over some prints." He pushed his chair
back and stood up, dropping his napkin to the table. "I'm sorry I can't
stay. We'll talk soon, okay?"
"You betcha," Jen replied as he bent down to peck her on the cheek
and watched in interest as he did the same to Joey but lingered a moment
longer. As he straightened, she saw the sadness in his eyes as he gazed at
Joey's profile. Joey, on the other hand kept her eyes averted from his and
managed a small smile but said nothing.
"Bye," Jen called after him. He offered a slight wave of his hand and
disappeared outside where she saw him get into a cab. She was beginning to
worry.
"Joey, you free after this? How about going shopping with me for a
present?"
"Sure," she answered, her mind not really there but with Pacey whom
she had probably hurt deeply.
*****
"What do you think about this for
Pacey?"
"Pacey?"
"Yeah, it was his present I was talking about."
"Present?"
"His birthday's next month."
"Next month?"
"Why do you keep repeating what I say?"
"Why?"
Jen hung the sweater back on the rack and crossed her arms.
"I've been so caught up with things, I just forgot, that's all."
Jen picked up the sweater again. "I really like this." She reached in
for the tag. "Hmm, you think this may be too small? Pacey can get a little
pudgy around the edges." She waited for Joey's input.
Joey who was wandering through the nearby racks glanced up and said absently,
"No, it's fine. He's lost weight around the waist."
It was almost a confirmation for Jen that her suspicion was right. She didn't
think Joey even knew what clues she had been giving away for the past two hours
in her preoccupied state.
Joey looked up questioningly as Jen lightly took her hand and finally led her
one floor up to the cafe. "Sit down," she said, glad that there were
few people around. Joey did, waiting for her to explain what she was doing.
"What do you want to drink?"
"Water will be fine."
When Jen returned with her orange juice and Joey's water, she took her time
approaching the subject. Joey waited some more.
"I'm sorry if you think I'm out of line but I'm worried. The only time
people act like the two of you have been acting is when there's sexual tension.
The result of either wanting to sleep together or having slept together."
Joey stared at her, wide-eyed and speechless.
"I don't wish to see either of you hurt."
"No, we- I mean," She paused. "I don't know what's going on
anymore," she confessed.
Jen expected Joey to shut her out then but the latter surprised her by talking
about it.
"We talked and we both knew that the past year has been difficult, what
with being-" Joey swallowed apprehensively. "You know, with
our...history. There was this one moment where I looked at him and it was like
being back in Capeside when I first realized there was this whole mass of
feelings I had for him and it felt magical. Nothing, no one else existed."
She gave a wry smile. "Then of course, I floated back down to earth."
Jen remained silent.
"Nothing happened that day," she went on to clarify. "Dawson was
on my mind. The mere thought of him paralyzes me sometimes and I get so mad at
myself after that because I know he's not here and Pacey is." She started
playing with her fingers. "That's still not the point. Until I can stop
thinking about Dawson the way I do, it'll be wrong."
"I'm sorry."
"Knowing it didn't help me." She sighed. "Two days after that,
he came over tipsy and miserable." She leaned forward and rested her
elbows on the table, her fingers kneading her temples. "He kissed me and
the rest is a blur. It wasn't anything I didn't want to do and that terrifies
me."
Jen reached out for one of Joey's hands, compelling her to look up.
"I don't suppose you were at the office then last night?"
Joey groaned in embarrassment and took her hand back to help cover her face.
When she moved them aside, her face was red but she allowed a slight tilt of
her mouth. "Okay, so maybe the rest isn't such a blur."
That was the most Joey would concede and Jen had to smile. "I don't know
anyone who blushes as much as you do."
"Believe me, it's a trait, amongst others I wish I didn't have."
"Let me guess, it's all awkward between you."
"It's more complicated than that." She wasn't proud to admit what she
was going to say next. "The morning after that first-" she flushed
again, "night, I left a note and stayed out until I was sure he'd gone. I
just couldn't face him. Seeing the guilt in my eyes would have no doubt made
him feel like crap."
Jen replied with a sympathetic sigh.
"We didn't speak for days. I was screening my calls. Finally I got tired
of acting like a coward and I canceled on you, planning to go over to his place
to apologize but he got to me first. He looked so mad when I opened the door
and the only thing he said to me was 'Good, you're alive'." She bit her
lip at the memory. "I ran after him and apologized for being a jerk. You
know Pacey, he can't bear a grudge for too long. We seemed to be on a safe
track but I couldn't take a chance so I dragged him to the least sexual place I
could think of."
"I can't wait to hear this."
Joey scrunched up her face. "I took him to a bowling alley."
"A bowling alley?" Jen fought hard to keep a straight face. "
Yes, cause all you really think about is pins and balls."
Her jaw dropped at her friend' reaction and her face flushed. "Jen! Get
your mind out of the gutter!"
The unintended bowling pun was just too much for Jen to take and her face
dissolved into a wide grin.
It took a second for Joey to realize what was so funny and she sighed,
exasperated.
"Oh come on," the former persuaded. "I really do want to hear
the rest."
"I was winning and then I made the mistake of looking over at him. He
didn't know he was doing it but he gave me that look, you know that look
that made me melt like a big blob of ice cream. Our conversation stopped being about
bowling at some point after that."
Jen stirred her drink while she thought over what she was going to say to Joey.
Her mood turned somber. She knew the latter wanted a simple solution to the
problem but there weren't any in sight. She wanted so much to be able to tell
the woman sitting opposite her how much she was loved by the man who'd
been trying to mend his broken heart for the last ten years and to beg her not
to break it any further. But it wasn't in her place to say that; the matter was
between Joey and Pacey. All she knew to say was-
"Joey," she paused to take a deep breath, "the only advice I can
give you is, ten years ago you made a difficult decision. You're going to have
to make another one now."
...Harken all you fallen angels
Help me find a place to rest
My head is pounding here beneath
The weight of this
I'm wishing that and you know me
Oh you know me more than anyone
And when I hear your voice
Everything I've done disappears from memory
Oh my darling come and save me"
-'Wishing That', Jann Arden
Feedback please, to: pacey@hockeymail.com