Saved
Chapter 6
The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter
by: Jade


Disclaimer: Dawson's Creek is not my property.

Author's Note: My version of Season Three events on the Creek for my fanfic to work, are as follows: Joey doesn't leave with Pacey and chooses instead to stay with Dawson. Can't be a happy ending in my world otherwise I would have nothing to write! Actually, I do have another plot in mind in accordance with the ending of the finale but yikes!...I really should finish this one and My Last Love first.

The lyrics in [ ] are from "It Might Be You" by Stephen Bishop (at least I think that's his name; it's been awhile) from the soundtrack of Tootsie - it's a tune I consider a classic and ranks way up there as one of my all-time favorite songs. Can you tell I'm an '80's child yet :P ?

"Have you ever been so close that it blinds you
You lose your focus till the distance falls away
Have you ever been so lost and somebody finds you
And brings you back your faith..."

-'Come Inside', Mary Beth




He didn't really feel like talking to anyone but she wasn't about to let him leave her waiting outside.

The knocking got more rampant.

He walked to the door and stayed long enough only to turn the lock before walking away.

The door clicked open then shut.

"I know what you're going to say so I'm just going to say it for you." He was staring into space from his couch, a half-empty beer bottle on the table in front of him. "You warned me not to get involved, not to get my hopes up, not to get my heart broken. Still I went and did all three. You can tell me 'I told you so' now."

She came around and sat down beside him. With her hand lightly on his arm, she replied, "I didn't want to be right."

He began to knead his temples. "I am such an idiot," he smirked, with emphasis on the last word. "What the hell possessed me to think that-" He stopped short and chuckled.

"Joey's my friend too." Jen started to shake her head as the smile died on his face. "But she hasn't seen what I've seen since college." She switched positions as she moved the now-warm bottle out of the way and took its place on the table, keeping her gaze intently on his face. "You had it, Pacey but you threw it away."

He looked up. "What are you talking about?"

"Tracy Burlington."

He blinked, the memory fading in and out, of a wonderful auburn haired beauty who had the brightest smile and the kindest eyes of any girl he'd ever known at college.

"For years I watched you torture yourself in self-pity and then she came along and I thought, 'Hope at last' but in true Pacey-style, you went and wrecked it. "

He sighed. "It wouldn't have worked out."

"Was it worth it? Having pushed away anyone who ever loved you?"

"No? Is that what you want me to say, Jen?" He got up and began to pace the floor. "You're the last person who should lecture me about pushing people away because that was all you ever did."

She tensed. "Don't you dare make this about me."

When he spoke, his voice had a tone of impatience and defiance to it. "Just say what you really feel."

"All right, I will!" Her own had risen a pitch as she stood up. "I don't know what to do with the two of you anymore. Make that three if you include Dawson. I want everyone to be happy but no one is! You want to be with Joey, Dawson wants to be with Joey. Joey can't make up her mind. Nothing's changed from before! And I'm sick and tired of it all!"

Pacey stared on wide-eyed, a little thrown off by her outburst.

"So this is what I want. I want Joey to finally make a choice and stick with it! And if you're not who she chooses, I want you to try as hard as you can to get on with your life and be happy!" She made herself calm down before she popped a vein in her neck but not before she pointed her finger at him and warned, "And don't you dare tell me I'm acting irrationally otherwise I might be forced to hit you!"

He raised both arms in surrender, still too surprised to say anything. She exhaled loudly and fell back onto the couch. He started tentatively toward her.

"I'm sorry I said what I said about you," he apologized softly.

"I'm not going to take back what I said, Pacey," she responded rubbing the hot skin on her forehead with the back of her hand distractedly.

"Yeah, okay."

She dropped her fingers to her lap and looked up at him. "Okay."

He sat down, wringing his hands. "Don't give up on me."

"Pacey, you go on like this and you'll break."

"I may not be the only one."

She swiveled her face sideways toward him.

"What's wrong, Jen?" he continued.

"Nothing," she said. "Everything. Who knows anymore?"

He put his arm around her and hugged her to him. "Are you falling apart on me, Super Lindley?"

She snorted and then quietly laughed as she remembered the nickname started when she aced a couple of papers that she hadn't studied a lot for. "I think the last person who called me that was your ass of a roommate at college."

"Danny?"

"Oh yeah, that's his name."

"I could never understand why you two never got along."

"Well, it's kind of hard when you know he's thinking 'super' isn't so much the best word that begins with an 's' to describe you."

"You can't be going where I think you're going with this," Pacey defended one of the best men he'd ever known. "Danny? This is Daniel Lerner we're talking about." He released his grip on Jen to catch her eye more easily. "The most unassuming, uncomplaining and unperturbed individual, possibly in the entire state of New York."

She cocked her brow. "What can I tell you? I got the distinct impression and I'm seldom wrong about things like that." Shrugging, she asked, "What's he doing now, any ol' how?"

"He's just switched law firms again in Brooklyn. This one's paying him a grand more each month."

She raised both eyebrows. What else could she expect from the brilliant Danny Lerner?

Pacey returned to his own thoughts.

There was further silence as Jen receded into hers. "I don't know why some people think being twenty-seven is better than being seventeen. Life still sucks," she finally said. "And it's unlikely to get better with each new year."

~~~~~

"Someone's here to see you, Jen."

Her eyes remained closed in exhaustion as she took in as much ocular rest as she could before having to resume work. She nodded mutely to the information.

"Jen."

She tilted her head slightly at the familiar voice and slowly opened one eye then the other as she took in the sight before her.

She gaped. "Dawson?"

Maybe it was comfort she felt. Maybe it was companionship she needed. All he was certain of was that he still loved her. He used to pride himself on how he managed to take things into his stride and how cloistered he kept the vulnerability behind the fearless front that people saw.

He was scared as hell.

There had been no arguments, no rationalizing and most importantly, there had been no apologies when she'd returned. All she said was, "I'm rebuilding my life and I just want to see what happens down a road I never took the chance to go."

"Okay," he'd agreed.

So three months down the road, they were still experiencing couplehood together.

"Pacey," she whispered in his ear. "You've got a plane to catch."

He yawned and turned over to nestle her in his arms. She kissed him and snuggled closer. Staring at the ceiling, he sighed inwardly as he mentally put aside his plans for the time being. It would have to wait, he thought. He only hoped he wouldn't lose what little courage he had.

"I'll see you home before heading for the airport."

Joey smiled. "Don't bother. I'm going with you."

*****

They had 45 minutes to spare before he had to board and decided to have a drink first.

"If all goes well, the shoot shouldn't take more than 6 days."

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere," she half-joked, half-reassured. Taking his hand she took a long look at him. "What's wrong?" she asked.

His smile was too broad, too quick. "Nothing." He picked up his cup of coffee and nearly spilled it.

Joey frowned but a crowd that had gathered nearby divided her attention from him. As it dispersed, she caught sight of a couple clothed in wedding attire and-

"Is that a minister?" she asked.

Pacey turned back to look. "Uh huh," he replied.

"I can't believe this," she chuckled. "They're getting married at the airport."

"What do you think about it?"

"It's a novel way to be wed."

"No, I mean marriage."

Joey, surprised by his question, deliberated on her answer as she tried to work out where this was headed. She looked back at the happy couple and then she thought of her sister, Dawson's parents and her own.

"I guess it's the recognition of a bond between two people who love each other-" She paused. "But it's not always happy ever afters, it often takes hardship for them to realize just how much they can't bear to be apart. Still sometimes even that's not enough reason to stay together."

"Are you thinking about your parents?"

She lowered her gaze to the table and back at him. "Other people too."

He nodded and went back to staring into his cup.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the gate for Flight AH657, to Houston, Texas is now open for boarding. Will passengers please make their way to Gate 20. The flight is ready for boarding. Thank you."

The voice drawled on the familiar announcement as Pacey picked up his heavy camera case. Swinging it over his left shoulder, he offered his right to Joey who accepted with an arm going around his waist and her head leaning against him as they made their way to his flight.

They didn't have far to walk and before Joey could think up a way to broach the subject of what was bothering him they had arrived at the gate.

Pacey put his bag down and took a seat some distance away from the passengers in line to get on the plane. She followed suit.

"Maybe you ought to marry me."

Her gaze never shifted but her voice shook. "This is not funny, Pacey."

"I've never been more serious. Marry me." He remained looking straight ahead as he spoke.

Her eyes dropped to the ground and she squeezed them shut for a moment before looking over at him.

"Are you giving me a choice?"

His face swung toward hers, her words having caught him off-guard. "Joey, this is not an ultimatum."

She looked away, embarrassed but relieved that she'd misunderstood. But still she had a question to answer.

"Doesn't time play a part in this? We've only really been together for a few months-"

"If time is an issue it's only because it's been wasted. Has it been a few months or ten years?"

She started wringing her hands. "Pacey, you've always had the worst timing."

He laughed quietly. "Don't you think we've done enough avoiding to last us a couple of lifetimes?" He straightened as the final call for his flight was made. "I'm just going to say what I feel. I have only really been happy the moments I've spent with you. I know how you've said you're not worth all this but I think I might be meant to love you or something because my heart's not listening."

She was speechless. Her mouth dropped open slightly and she could do nothing else but stare at him. It was the first time he'd said anything to even imply that he loved her.

He went on talking, not taking in her reaction and barely even realizing what he'd admitted. "You can leave Dawson in the equation. There's no point pretending he doesn't exist. He'll always be there. I can't compete with that, I can't compete with a memory."

Having regained her composure enough to object, she told him, "Don't do this to yourself, Pacey. Any day, Dawson could come home and it'll just start all over again."

It was his turn to ask, "Are you giving me a choice?"

She was not as quick to reassure him as he did her. She chewed on her lower lip as she felt like crying.

He turned away from her and stood up. "I'd better go," he said softly. Offering a quick glance her way, he added, "I'm sorry. Think about what I said or just forget it."

And she watched on long after he'd disappeared out of sight.

[Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be someone waiting home for me
Something's telling me it might be you
All of my life...]

The man and his wife stopped jesting with each other as they felt like they were being watched. He turned curious eyes toward the attractive woman who appeared to be doing so and offered her a puzzled smile. She smiled back, flushed from being caught.

[...Looking back as lovers go walking past
All of my life
Wondering how they met
And what makes it last...]

Four days of reflection hadn't got her any closer to an answer. She was sitting in Washington Square Park on a warm September day, trying to clear her head and ended up more confused than ever. She didn't want to go home because it felt lonely to be home. She missed him.

At some point as her attention wandered from the performers who were finishing up their act, a couple had caught her eye. They looked like newly-weds, giddy from the excitement or perhaps they were just happy like that all the time.

Without warning, she found herself imagining a life like that with Pacey. Guilt lingered. It began to dawn on her that outside of childhood fantasies, she'd never thought about Dawson and marriage as one...in fact, she hadn't really thought about Dawson in some time.


[...If I found the place
Would I recognize the face?
Something's telling me it might be you]


She put on her sunglasses and started to walk away. She couldn't stop thinking that maybe Pacey was indeed the one after all. Who's to say he wasn't...but who's to say he was...

Did she know?

Feedback please, to: pacey@hockeymail.com