Disclaimer: I don't own Konzen. I don't own Kanzoen Bosatsu. Hell, I don't even own the bloody keyboard I'm using to type this so how can I own Saiyuki?!!!!
A/N: A big thank you to all my reviewers! I hope you like this and by the way I'm working on the sequel for The Blond, The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly! First chapter will be up soon! BTW this fic is from Kanzeon Bosatsu's POV
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I Look At You, Konzen, From Up Here And WonderI look at you, Konzen, from up here and wonder….Why is it that you build such grey fortresses around yourself? Why is it that you shun everyone out of you heart? Leaving nobody but yourself in the cold numbing darkness of your callousness?
Those who know you now think that the death of your master has affected you deeply in this matter. They think…No. You think that all this insensitivity and detachment are a self-defense mechanism; if you're numb you can't feel the pain no matter how many times you're hurt. But I know that's just an illusion…..
You were cold and hostile even as a child. It could have been the fact that you were abandoned at birth, but then again nobody abandoned you up here in Tenkai and even in Tenkai you were just as you are now my dear nephew: different, as cold as steel and just as taciturn. You were the child that did not play, that did not laugh, that did not cry, that didn't know how to love and yet couldn't be bothered to hate. At that tender age, Konzen, your eyes betrayed your nature; you were the child that never was. The child that fathered a man [1] who knew no pleasures in life: not in simple things nor in intricate ones. All you knew was boredom and all you could feel was annoyance. Every little thing was a nuisance to you. And you began to wonder whether death was in fact a blessing.
But then, you changed, Konzen. And it only took a pair of golden eyes and a few words to do so.
"Your hair! It shines like the sun!"
Isn't it funny, Konzen, how at the end of the day it took so little to make all the difference? So innocent….unlike you, you were born with experience. Do you remember how angry you used to get when the little one used to scribble over your very important documents? You looked a sight, Konzen: long blond hair going wild, stomping down the corridor screaming a thousand curses at the poor thing. Yes Konzen, you looked funny! You only thought of him as your pet, another weight I had added to the load already on your shoulders. But after I weighed you with this burden you changed…like when you were a child, your eyes betrayed you; the emptiness in them had been replaced. I still can't understand why but you looked happier, more at peace with yourself and you started to see beauty for the first time…in that tiny bunch of flowers the boy had placed on your desk.
After so many years, Konzen, do you still remember your reaction to that question I threw in so randomly one day?
"For how long do you think you'll be that boy's sun?"
I still do. I cannot forget. You looked shocked; terrified of losing perhaps the only thing you cared for. At last the truth had hit you: you cared for your little pet more than you yourself could ever imagine. Yet it's funny how after so many years you still hold your position: you are still his sun.
Your being is too complex, Konzen. You preach living without ties and yet you cling to your past and make it the basis of who you are. You say nothing conditions your actions…is that true, Konzen? Don't they affect your actions? Are they just mere servants to you? Then why did you save their lives a number of times? And why would you still save their lives if need be?
I shall never understand you, Konzen.
You think you led that child out of a dark cave and gave him a new life but in fact it is he who has led you out of your own darkness and made you alive.
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[1] The child that fathered a man…
Quote refers to another quote by William Wordsworth: "The child is the father of the man". It is a bit paradoxal but it means that the experiences we go trough during our childhood turn us into the adults we become.