Chapter 2: Eco Heist
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The next day, at the Square, Jak and Daxter were sitting at one of the corners waiting for the armored truck to arrive.
Daxter: Maybe ol' Don was wrong. It should have been here by now.
Jak: Maybe it was already robbed?
Daxter: Uhh, the only person with the firepower to pull this off is you...
Jak: Not anymore, as the Krimzon Guard stopped escorting these cars once I was inflicting 100% casualtie rates.
Finally, the armored car hovered towards the corner. Jak couldn't see the driver, as the windows were tinted. Nor did he care, as he tends to block out the images of the faces of his innocent victims. I guess it helps the post-homocidial depression.
Jak: Alright, Dax, let's make this quick and painful.
Daxter: No problem.
Jak pulled out his blaster gun and fired at the bottom of the truck, breaking one of the thrusters. The truck spun out of control and smashed into a nearby bus stop, killing all of the pedestrians.
Jak: Whooo, unneccessary bloodshed!
Jak ran over to the immobile armored car and ripped upon the door to reveal...
Jak: OH MY GOD! It's Hans Moleman!
Hans Moleman: Words cannot describe the agonizing pain I'm in right now.
Jak tried to shoot him, but the blaster shot just bounced right off him.
Hans Moleman: Getting hit by blasters ruined my life, I'm only 31 years old!
Jak: Damn it! Daxter, get the money!
Daxter openned up the back of the truck to reveal....
GOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lum waiting for him.
Gollum: How dare you take my precious! We thinks you look tasty
Daxter: What the hell? Jak, bring the Peacemaker.
Five seconds later, Gollum's remains were splattered all over the armored truck.
Jak: Well, this sucks. There is absolutely NOTHING in the truck!
Suddenly, Don Precurseretti pulled up in a Rolls Royce.
Don: Hahaha! You fool, Jak, my plan was to make you feel extremely guilty because you only managed to kill people who may as well be dead anyways..
Mafioso: Uhh, boss, the bus stop?
Don: ...Awww DAMN IT
Jak: Whatever, I'll just kill you instead.
Jak aimed his blaster at the Don, while the Mafioso pulled out a pistol and aimed it at Jaks head. A standoff.
Daxter: Reservoir Dogs, anyone?
Suddenly, a Lexus truck with 22 million inch spinning rims rolled up to them. Inside were our heros, Gol and Maia. The truck had one of those loudspeakers that police cars have, on the grill, with Gol freestylin' on it.
Daxter: Damn it, they came back! If only they were in Jak 2, the more mature game theme would have allowed us to kill them outright!
Gol and Maia hopped out of the truck.
Gol: Hahaha, well look what we have here.
Maia: The saddest bunch of scum I've seen since I last visited the an NHL game.
Jak: Oh, come back to die for good?
Gol: Hmm, more like, come back because we know your secret, Jak.
Maia: You watch 'Friends'-
Jak: LIARS!
Gol: Uhh, not that one. The other one, you know, where you are INFECTED BY DARK ECO JUST LIKE US!
Maia: That thirst for murder, thirst for bloodshed, thirst for mutilade.... it runs within all of us freaks.
Jak: I work only with Daxter, because even if I get hit by a nuclear weapon and die, he always seems to survive to give an annoying one liner when I die.
Daxter: Hey, give me a break, I haven't done any of those since Jak 1.
Gol: Whatever, then we will destroy you.
Maia: Physically.
Gol: Or lyrically.
Just then, Don Precurseretti stepped forward.
Don: Ok, enough bickering amongst you ugly motherfuckers. Who dies first?
Before any killing could commence, the Krimzon Guard rolled up with Ashelin.
Ashelin: Normally I'd try to break up this situation, with Jak being the hero AND villain of this city and all, but since I see we have a nice convention of 'Cons on the top 10 most wanted list' gathered in one small spot, we'll just kill you all instead.
Daxter: I'd like to put forth a 'Bush Sr/Jr and Baron/Ashelin' comparison joke here please.
Ashelin: Do it and I'll kill you slightly slower than I'm about to right now.
Jak: I'd have to agree, nothing is more overdone and unfunny than Bush jokes.
Everyone drew their guns/blasters/precurser things.
FLASH FORWARD
The square was now a total ruin. Krimzon Guard and mafia vehicles were overturned, burning, and riddled with bullet holes. There is blood and debris all over the area. Several FBI agents were at the scene.
FBI agent: ....This place was armagaddeon. There was a FIREFIGHT!!!
FLASHBACK...
Everyone began firing at each other. The Krimzon Guard, being the cannonfodder they are, went down in seconds while the others ducked behind the guard vehicles. Other common movie generics, such as Viet Cong, Middle-East terrorists, Central-American maricons, Uruk-hai, those who are dependant on the Matrix, Waffen SS, and romance fanfic writers, were riddled with bullet holes the second they appeared on screen.
Jak: Looks like we are screwed. Oh well, c'mon Daxter, let's take as many as we can down with us.
Jak emerged from the cover of the overturned vehicle, with Daxter assisting him in aiming his extremely large gun. Firing his blaster, he mowed down more generics and kept the other important characters hiding behind the vehicles.
Don: Enough of this.
The Don and his mafioso emerged from cover as well, firing their supressed pistols and sub-machine guns. As Jak and the mafia had a stand off, Gol and Maia ran back to their ride.
Jak: Ok, time to start killing off characters that matter.
Don: Not if I can help it!
Jak and Precurseretti jumped into the air, firing their weapons at each other. The camera froze on them, and did the Matrix spin about 2/3 the way before smacking into a nearby wall and shattering the lens. The Don and Jak slammed face first into each other and hit the ground.
Jak: ...Arrgghh..
Don: Well, I was expecting it from an other named Agent Smith.
Daxter rolled up in a "confisticated" Zoomer.
Daxter: Come on, Jak. We can't let Gol and Maia get away!
Mafioso: What about us?
Daxter: You guys can chase after us in an action packed highway chase.
Don: We'll give you a 10 second headstart.
Jak and Daxter sped off after Gol and Maia, while the mafia got in their expensive stolen cars.
Don: Whaahahha! Stupid Jak, I'm really going to give him only 9 seconds!
Mafioso: Don, it's been nearly a minute now.
Don: DAMN IT! Just go.
The mafia sped off after Jak. Finally, Ashelin emerged from her hiding space after doing nothing but piss herself.
Ashelin: Oooh I wish Daddy were still alive so he can kill these big bad bullies for me and wipe my ass and change my diaper and-
Krimzon Guard: Uhhh, orders mistress?
Ashelin: Ahhh! Someone is still here? And they heard all that?
Ashelin looked around and saw he was the only guard left.
Krimzon Guard: Ahhh, don't even bother wasting your ammo. *kills self*
Ashelin grinned, then clicked on her radio.
Ashelin: I need reinforcements. They're approaching the freeway, I repeat they're-ARRRGHHH *transforms into an Agent, and steals a nearby car*
---
Oh no, a Hollywood-esque freeway chase! Will it top "The Road Warrior"? Or will be one of the few memorial parts of this fanfic, much like the freeway chase in Matrix Reloaded? Find out next time, on Dragon Jak THREEEEE!
---
The next day, at the Square, Jak and Daxter were sitting at one of the corners waiting for the armored truck to arrive.
Daxter: Maybe ol' Don was wrong. It should have been here by now.
Jak: Maybe it was already robbed?
Daxter: Uhh, the only person with the firepower to pull this off is you...
Jak: Not anymore, as the Krimzon Guard stopped escorting these cars once I was inflicting 100% casualtie rates.
Finally, the armored car hovered towards the corner. Jak couldn't see the driver, as the windows were tinted. Nor did he care, as he tends to block out the images of the faces of his innocent victims. I guess it helps the post-homocidial depression.
Jak: Alright, Dax, let's make this quick and painful.
Daxter: No problem.
Jak pulled out his blaster gun and fired at the bottom of the truck, breaking one of the thrusters. The truck spun out of control and smashed into a nearby bus stop, killing all of the pedestrians.
Jak: Whooo, unneccessary bloodshed!
Jak ran over to the immobile armored car and ripped upon the door to reveal...
Jak: OH MY GOD! It's Hans Moleman!
Hans Moleman: Words cannot describe the agonizing pain I'm in right now.
Jak tried to shoot him, but the blaster shot just bounced right off him.
Hans Moleman: Getting hit by blasters ruined my life, I'm only 31 years old!
Jak: Damn it! Daxter, get the money!
Daxter openned up the back of the truck to reveal....
GOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lum waiting for him.
Gollum: How dare you take my precious! We thinks you look tasty
Daxter: What the hell? Jak, bring the Peacemaker.
Five seconds later, Gollum's remains were splattered all over the armored truck.
Jak: Well, this sucks. There is absolutely NOTHING in the truck!
Suddenly, Don Precurseretti pulled up in a Rolls Royce.
Don: Hahaha! You fool, Jak, my plan was to make you feel extremely guilty because you only managed to kill people who may as well be dead anyways..
Mafioso: Uhh, boss, the bus stop?
Don: ...Awww DAMN IT
Jak: Whatever, I'll just kill you instead.
Jak aimed his blaster at the Don, while the Mafioso pulled out a pistol and aimed it at Jaks head. A standoff.
Daxter: Reservoir Dogs, anyone?
Suddenly, a Lexus truck with 22 million inch spinning rims rolled up to them. Inside were our heros, Gol and Maia. The truck had one of those loudspeakers that police cars have, on the grill, with Gol freestylin' on it.
Daxter: Damn it, they came back! If only they were in Jak 2, the more mature game theme would have allowed us to kill them outright!
Gol and Maia hopped out of the truck.
Gol: Hahaha, well look what we have here.
Maia: The saddest bunch of scum I've seen since I last visited the an NHL game.
Jak: Oh, come back to die for good?
Gol: Hmm, more like, come back because we know your secret, Jak.
Maia: You watch 'Friends'-
Jak: LIARS!
Gol: Uhh, not that one. The other one, you know, where you are INFECTED BY DARK ECO JUST LIKE US!
Maia: That thirst for murder, thirst for bloodshed, thirst for mutilade.... it runs within all of us freaks.
Jak: I work only with Daxter, because even if I get hit by a nuclear weapon and die, he always seems to survive to give an annoying one liner when I die.
Daxter: Hey, give me a break, I haven't done any of those since Jak 1.
Gol: Whatever, then we will destroy you.
Maia: Physically.
Gol: Or lyrically.
Just then, Don Precurseretti stepped forward.
Don: Ok, enough bickering amongst you ugly motherfuckers. Who dies first?
Before any killing could commence, the Krimzon Guard rolled up with Ashelin.
Ashelin: Normally I'd try to break up this situation, with Jak being the hero AND villain of this city and all, but since I see we have a nice convention of 'Cons on the top 10 most wanted list' gathered in one small spot, we'll just kill you all instead.
Daxter: I'd like to put forth a 'Bush Sr/Jr and Baron/Ashelin' comparison joke here please.
Ashelin: Do it and I'll kill you slightly slower than I'm about to right now.
Jak: I'd have to agree, nothing is more overdone and unfunny than Bush jokes.
Everyone drew their guns/blasters/precurser things.
FLASH FORWARD
The square was now a total ruin. Krimzon Guard and mafia vehicles were overturned, burning, and riddled with bullet holes. There is blood and debris all over the area. Several FBI agents were at the scene.
FBI agent: ....This place was armagaddeon. There was a FIREFIGHT!!!
FLASHBACK...
Everyone began firing at each other. The Krimzon Guard, being the cannonfodder they are, went down in seconds while the others ducked behind the guard vehicles. Other common movie generics, such as Viet Cong, Middle-East terrorists, Central-American maricons, Uruk-hai, those who are dependant on the Matrix, Waffen SS, and romance fanfic writers, were riddled with bullet holes the second they appeared on screen.
Jak: Looks like we are screwed. Oh well, c'mon Daxter, let's take as many as we can down with us.
Jak emerged from the cover of the overturned vehicle, with Daxter assisting him in aiming his extremely large gun. Firing his blaster, he mowed down more generics and kept the other important characters hiding behind the vehicles.
Don: Enough of this.
The Don and his mafioso emerged from cover as well, firing their supressed pistols and sub-machine guns. As Jak and the mafia had a stand off, Gol and Maia ran back to their ride.
Jak: Ok, time to start killing off characters that matter.
Don: Not if I can help it!
Jak and Precurseretti jumped into the air, firing their weapons at each other. The camera froze on them, and did the Matrix spin about 2/3 the way before smacking into a nearby wall and shattering the lens. The Don and Jak slammed face first into each other and hit the ground.
Jak: ...Arrgghh..
Don: Well, I was expecting it from an other named Agent Smith.
Daxter rolled up in a "confisticated" Zoomer.
Daxter: Come on, Jak. We can't let Gol and Maia get away!
Mafioso: What about us?
Daxter: You guys can chase after us in an action packed highway chase.
Don: We'll give you a 10 second headstart.
Jak and Daxter sped off after Gol and Maia, while the mafia got in their expensive stolen cars.
Don: Whaahahha! Stupid Jak, I'm really going to give him only 9 seconds!
Mafioso: Don, it's been nearly a minute now.
Don: DAMN IT! Just go.
The mafia sped off after Jak. Finally, Ashelin emerged from her hiding space after doing nothing but piss herself.
Ashelin: Oooh I wish Daddy were still alive so he can kill these big bad bullies for me and wipe my ass and change my diaper and-
Krimzon Guard: Uhhh, orders mistress?
Ashelin: Ahhh! Someone is still here? And they heard all that?
Ashelin looked around and saw he was the only guard left.
Krimzon Guard: Ahhh, don't even bother wasting your ammo. *kills self*
Ashelin grinned, then clicked on her radio.
Ashelin: I need reinforcements. They're approaching the freeway, I repeat they're-ARRRGHHH *transforms into an Agent, and steals a nearby car*
---
Oh no, a Hollywood-esque freeway chase! Will it top "The Road Warrior"? Or will be one of the few memorial parts of this fanfic, much like the freeway chase in Matrix Reloaded? Find out next time, on Dragon Jak THREEEEE!