Sorry that it has been a while, but I was on vacation in Vermont, and had no TV, let alone a computer. I apologize for how short this chapter is, and that it is mostly more romantic mush. I'm not very good at writing this sort of thing, but as I have decided it must be done, so I must trudge through the writing of it. I promise the whole Rosealliele/Keledrial thing will be resolved in the next chapter after this, and then I'll be able to move on to the big adventure coming up. Back to Ruathym. You'll see! Until then, enjoy as best you can, and don't give up!
To Arabwel, Aquila, Catspaw0913, Crazefanficboi, Raelli, and Silverwolf, thank you again for all your reviews and feedback. Don't stop! Azurielle
I was awoken some time later by the smell of clean water and soap, and the sound of female footsteps on the floorboards of the room I had finally collapsed in. I cracked my eyes open, glancing up to the small window set in the wall, and confirming that it was nearing night, once more. I had slept through most of the day. My muscles ached, but in a good way…letting me know that I had lost none of my skill in battle.
I opened my eyes fully, and made out the form of a human woman, opening baskets in the room to reveal the light of magical torches. A tub of hot water stood near the foot of the bed I had laid down on.
"I've brought you a bath, milord," the woman told me.
"I see that," I replied, sitting up and stretching.
"Shall I help you with washing?" she asked me, and I now recognized the coy tone of her voice…one that both human and elven women seem capable of affecting. I looked over to where she stood. She was smiling prettily, and I noticed that the bodice of her gown was pulled rather low, so that a generous amount of her breasts were showing over the top. Her brown hair was long and loose, and she was quite attractive.
"If you wish," I told her, sounded unconcerned. I knew what she was after, and figured, why not? It wasn't like Rosealliele would know, and after all I have gone so long without having sex she couldn't really blame me.
The girl helped me out of my clothing, most of which was stained and ruined. I would have to buy some more when I got back to Everall…or maybe I could get some of Lyly's students to make me some…they were all weaving, cooking, and sewing types, anyhow.
I got into the tub, and the wench began to "help" me wash. In reality, she was using the opportunity to run her hands all over my skin, all the while giving me a generous view of her own smooth flesh. I played the game as I was expected to, but when she gave up on pretenses and started to kiss me, the most unusual thing happened….I found that I was not at all aroused by it!
In fact, as I attempted to force myself to enjoy her attentions, all I could think about was Rose…and how hurt she would most likely be if she knew what I was doing…and how much nicer it was to kiss her, and how much softer her skin and hair were, compared to this girl's.
I tried…I truly did, but the fact is I simply could not evince enough interest to continue. I wanted Rosealliele. It was as simple as that. So I pushed the human wench away from me. She gave me a confused look.
"Do I not please you?" she asked me, sounding hurt. I pulled on a robe that she had brought and left on my bed, feeling uncomfortable letting her see me naked any longer.
"It's not you," I explained to her, in an apologetic tone. "It's just that I love someone else, and I…" I stopped mid-sentence. Had I actually just said that? I sat there for a moment in mute shock, unable to comprehend that those words had come out of my mouth. I think the girl said something to me, but what it was, I am not certain. A moment later, she gathered up her clothes, and my dirty ones as well and left, shutting the door a little more harshly than was necessary.
I'm not certain how long I sat there, at the edge of the bed, my mind replaying the entire scene, trying to comprehend if I had said such a thing, and when I finally accepted that I had, trying to figure why.
I hadn't really meant it, I thought for a while. After all, me? In love? It made no sense! Especially considering I don't really believe in love. I was obsessed, yes, but not in love. But then, if it was an obsession, why hadn't I been able to sleep with the human girl? After all I could have kept my eyes closed, and imagined that she was Rose, right? But somehow, even just thinking such a think seemed wrong. Then I thought that if I could just make love to Rose that the whole obsession would go away, and I could go back to being normal. That's when I realized I was thinking about sex with Rose in terms that I had never considered for any other woman in my life.
It was several hours of mental arguing later that I was finally able to admit to myself that I was, indeed, falling in love with Rosealliele Silverspear, for some reason. And then I tried to figure out why. Why when I was so against the very idea, was I being foolish enough to have done such a thing? Of course, it wasn't like it was a rational decision on my part. And then it hit me….this was all about revenge.
After all, when I insulted Erevan Ilesere, the god of trickery, hadn't the very thing I had been worried about: Zelairwyn learning the truth, happened within the week? With Hanali Celanil, I had spoken derisively about the goddess of love on more than one occasion. The gods have never been adverse to meddling in the affairs of the mortals...and I wondering if I had not insulted love just one time too many for Hanali to tolerate.
Such a reason would explain my sudden fascination, and ultimate obsession with an etriel I'd never met before, wouldn't it? And my first thought was that there had to be a way to thwart the goddess' interference in my life. My second thought, however, was did I really want to? After all if she'd done this much, how much worse would it get if I tried to fight the goddess' will? And really, I began to think, what was so bad about loving Rose? Except, of course, for that fact that she was being so difficult about our relationship as it was. I mean, she's a nice person…got a bit of a temper, but that's certainly not something I can hold against anyone. She loyal, both to her family, and her friends…and her betrothed. After all, it has taken me a great deal of effort to get her this far. She's chaste...definitely not one of the women I know who sleeps with anyone. And furthermore, she and Sera get along wonderfully. Weren't all those the things I had stipulated for a woman I could learn to care about?
The truth was, I finally admitted to myself, that Rosealliele was all that I had wanted in a woman. The only problems with the whole affair was our stubborn natures, and unwanted betrotheds.
Not that the latter was much of problem, truth to be told. I care less than nothing for the damned Moonflower girl, and besides, if I broke with her no one would be that shocked. Barbarian that I am, they're probably expecting it. Rose may be a bit of a problem though. She's so bound and determined to please her family, that she may dig her heels in. And while the Nightstars can weather the trouble that would be caused by what I would do, I am not so certain of the Silverspears. Ancient house though they are, only a handful of their numbers escaped the fall of Myth Drannor. Rose is one of the only children left of that line. A union with the abnormally "fertile" Amarillis clan would certainly be beneficial…both in terms of status and the continuance of the line. A union between Rose and myself would only cause trouble for the Silverspears. They'd never agree to it…and if her family didn't agree, I doubted that Rose would either.
Well, the truth is, I do not care for backing away from challenges. And seeing as I know that neither family would agree to the plan that has begun to form in my mind, I shall simply have to proceed without approval. After all, now that I have decided that I'm not going to fight this attraction anymore, there is no one that I'm going to let a damned Amarillis wed the woman I'm falling in love with!
At some point, another maid brought me a fresh set of clothes. They were human in style, but I was not surprised. I doubted they would have found anything of elven make in my size. I donned the garments quickly, and made my way downstairs, to the Great Hall. I made it just in time for dinner, as a huge human woman waddled out of the kitchen and began placing huge trays of food onto a side table. Much like Everall, and unlike Evermeet, everyone got up from their tables, forming a line and serving themselves. Even the Banshee and her husband, the "Lord" and "Lady" of the keep stood in line, alongside of the soldiers, and servants…all laughing and talking. It was as unlike a meal in House Nightstar…or any other elven noble home, as elven wine is to dwarven ale. Yet, somehow, it seemed more agreeable to me. More honest. Here, as in Everall, no one tried to place themselves above another.
I stepped in line, and piled my plate up, feeling ravenously hungry…not unusual after a battle and long rest. I was called over to the table where the Banshee was seated with her friends and family. Dinner was a loud affair, conversations and renditions of the battle flying back and forth. Some of the Banshee's younger children seemed to find me fascinating and pestered me with questions. I can't figure out why it is that children seem to find me so interesting, and feel the need to fixate upon me. I'm not even that fond of children…besides Sera, of course. And my siblings. Children, as whole, however, are too small for me to be truly comfortable with.
The camaraderie I saw was warm and well established. It was how I was beginning to feel with some of the people at Everall…and how I never felt with most of my old party members from Waterdeep, or the elven soldiers on Evermeet.
Shortly after the meal ended, the Banshee approached me, one of her red-haired, infant sons on her hip.
"You did well," she told me. I thanked her. She seemed to think about something for a moment, then sighed, even as the child in her arms stared up at me with such intensity, I felt uncomfortable. I hate it when babies give me that expression which makes me think they know all my secrets.
"I should apologize to you…for doubting your skills, and for my rude behavior." I raised an eyebrow at this. True, she had been rude, but no more than I.
"I misjudged you," The Banshee continued on, looking as though it was paining her to admit such a thing. "I don't have the greatest opinion of nobles, you see…" several people near enough to hear this, snorted, trying to contain laughter. A glare from the Banshee, and they quieted down.
"…And well, I just thought I should say that you're welcome here, at the Keep, or at the tower." I wasn't certain what to say. After all, welcome is something that I have rarely felt in my life. It was odd to have it now. The Banshee seemed rather uncomfortable with the situation, so she changed the subject before I was obligated to come up with a reply.
"Well, anyhow, I'm sure you want to be getting back to your school and all, so if you want, I'll have Dazelin teleport you back to Hap." I nodded agreeably. Nice as it is here, I wanted to get back to Everall. Duties were getting neglected, Sera was probably working herself into a tantrum, and there were things…important things I had to discuss with Rosealliele, after all.
The dark elf teleported me back to Hap, with only a few cutting remarks exchanged. I thought I handled myself admirably, as I did not bother to be insulted. Although, I swear, when I get some time I am going to research the damned teleport spell myself, so that next time, I will not have to deal with the overly sarcastic drow again.
Not only was Sera not upset at my sudden disappearance, she did not even bother to act concerned when I finally located her. She was in the nursery of Liralyn's younger children, playing with the baby. She glanced up when I entered.
"Oh, Hi Daddy," she said briefly, then turned her attention back to the infant…whose name escaped me. I waited for a moment, further elaboration…to be scolded at the very least for leaving without telling her. Nothing. What a contentious little creature.
"I'm back," I told her, seeing if that would bring a reaction. She merely nodded.
"Un-huh," she muttered. I sighed. On the bright side, at least she was screaming at me…but it was rather disheartening, as it appeared she hadn't even missed me. I was about to leave, when Sera's voice stopped me.
"Daddy, I want to talk." I didn't like the tone…it was far too serious sounding for a child of her age. I looked back, saw that she was staring up at me intently.
"All right. What do you want to talk about?" I asked her, lowering myself to the floor so that I would be closer to her eye level.
"Daddy I think you're being mean," she declared.
"Why do you think I'm being mean?" I asked her incredulously.
"It was very nice of you to leave Rose so that you could go and have fun."
"Have fun?" I repeated. "Sera I was fighting people who were trying to attack a church!" I exclaimed.
"Even so. It wasn't nice," Sera insisted. "What if you go away too long and she decides she doesn't want us?"
"What is it that you mean, Sera," I asked my daughter suspiciously.
"I think its time you got married, Daddy," Sera told me in a voice that sounded as though it belonged to someone much older…far too serious for my liking. Come to think of it, ever since she's starting accompanying her little dwarven friend around, Sera has begun acting more and more grown up, and less like the little girl she had been when we arrived here. I am not certain that I like the change.
"What?" I managed to get out.
"My friend Rina says that all girls need mothers 'specially when they get older. You're a good Daddy, but I decided that I need a mother too. And I want Rose. So you have to be real nice to Rose so that she'll marry you when you ask her too, all right Daddy?" I was so flabbergasted I had no idea how to reply. What a presumptuous brat I had raised! She decided?! As though I had no say in the matter! And for Sera, all of this was merely a foregone conclusion! And she sat there calmly, waiting for an answer…as calmly as though she just asked me for a cookie as was certain that one was forthcoming!
When I didn't reply, Sera frowned for a moment, and then smiled brightly.
"I love you, Daddy," she beamed at me.
"And I love you as well," I replied automatically. She nodded.
"Good. Then it's all settled. You ask Rose to marry you, and I'll have a Mommy, and we'll be a family," she stated conclusively, as she stood up, handed me the baby, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and ran out, saying over her shoulder,
"I'm going to tell Rina! I'll be back later!"
I sat there on the floor on the nursery for a few more stunned minutes. The baby in my hands squirmed for a few moments, looking up at me with wide green eyes. There was an expression of confusion on his face, and after a moment or two of continued struggling, he began to cry.
"You and me both," I murmured to him in sympathy, rocking him in my arms as I had once done with Sera, thinking that my life was certainly a terrible tangle of a mess, and I wondered if I would survive long enough to sort it all out.
I didn't get a chance to see Rose until late the next afternoon, after being forced to give a report to my cousin over my whereabouts, and then having to deal with my students, who of course, all had to here details. Not that I was completely truthful, after all they didn't need to know that I had been rescued by a dryad, or that I probably would have suffocated to death.
When I finally did get around to speaking with Rose, things did not go nearly as well as I'd been planning. I'd hoped that my short absence would further improve her disposition. After all, while I may decide that the possibility that I love her does exist, it had lessened my desire to sleep with by any degree.
However, what I expected and what actually happened were two different things.
"Keledrial, we can't do this," was the very first thing she said to me when I finally managed to track her down around lunchtime.
"Do what?" I asked, right before kissing her. She pulled away a moment later…reluctantly, I was pleased to note.
"This! You and I…it's wrong. We have obligations…promises to be kept," she gestured wildly.
"Not this again," I groaned. I cannot understand why she feels the need to continue this senseless protesting…and I told her just that. Mayhap I should have worded it a bit better than I did though, for the minute I said so, her face flushed with anger, violet eyes sharp with it as well.
"You may think me "senseless"," Lord Nightstar, but at least I have every intention of keeping my promise, which is certainly more than I can say for you!" she stated, with clenched fists. I must say that I do like watching her with heightened emotions…like anger. She looks even lovelier than she does when she's calm.
"Actually, Lady Silverspear," I told her in a conversational tone, relishing in being the calm one for once, "I never promised to wed anyone…least of all Loreleiana Moonflower. It was all arranged without my knowledge or consent, and as such I feel no need to keep a vow I never made."
"Oh why are you doing this to me?" Rose asked, more to her self than me, I think.
"Doing what?" I asked her, playing ignorant. Not very hard for me, in some cases, I might add.
"Trying to…seduce me!" She exclaimed.
"Is that what I'm doing?" I baited her.
"Yes! And I don't know why! There are plenty of other women you might set your sights on…ones who aren't betrothed. Why are you doing this to me?" She whispered towards the end, suddenly realizing that her voice was rising. Thinking to stir things up a bit, and see what would happen, I told the truth.
"Mostly because I can't seem to stop thinking about you…and because I don't feel any desire for anyone other than you… oh yes, and because I may just be falling in love with you," I leaned very close and spoke very quietly to tell her the last part. The last thing I need is for someone, like Bran, to overhear us and have it spread about the school that the elven history and smithing teacher was in love with the elven teacher of protection magic.
Rose's silvery skin turned all but white at that. Not quite the reaction I was imagining.
"You…you don't really mean that," she stated.
"Don't I?" I replied.
"Even if you did…why would you…but after all this time…and…but you can't," she concluded, her eyes pleading with me as she finished her momentary rambling.
"Why can't I?"
"You're going to ruin everything…you already have," she whispered, and I became aware of a glassy sheen in her eyes that bespoke the coming onset of tears.
"What have I ruined? What could be bad about my loving you?" I asked, making my tone gentler, and less smug.
"I promised to marry Evyth Amarillis…I promised and that's all there is to it. I gave up on you a long time ago," she added the last bit so silently that I almost missed it. Before I could ask just what she had meant by that, she flared to anger again.
"I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but it ends now. I will not let you ruin all my plans just because you've found yourself…"obsessed" with me," she threw my own words back at me…words I had used to describe what I felt for her for so long. Before I could say another word, or even think to stop her, she said a Word, activating the magic in a bracelet she wore, and she promptly vanished. Teleported. By the gods, I truly need to learn that spell…if nothing else, so that I can counter it!
"But I'm not playing a game," I said aloud to the emptiness before me.
Now what am I to do? There has to be a way to get her to believe me, and giver up on her stupid betrothal, as I've basically given up on mine. At this rate I just may have to kill Evyth Amarillis, if for no other reason so that she will no longer be able to use him as an excuse…although if I did that, she would probably hate me, and I would no doubt be exiled for true. I vow, sometimes things were easier when I was Airk. At least then I didn't have to think before I acted so often!
I'm pretty much out of ideas at this point. Nothing I've tried has worked, seeing as the fair Rose is being so damned intractable about this. She rebuffs me at every turn…won't even speak to me half the time. I don't know what to say to convince her I'm telling the truth about loving her…nor can I understand why my being in love with her seems to be so upsetting to her. I just don't know what to do…not like that's a new thing anyhow. Why is it that I always seem to make a mess of the things I most care about? Maybe I should just give up. After all, if she's this determined, maybe she really doesn't feel the same. Maybe that is Hanali's curse on me after all…that I should learn to love a woman who does not bear the same affection for me.
I wonder if I shall survive this? In all the old stories, when one of the People falls in love and it is not returned, they often go mad…well I'm already half-mad anyhow. More often than that, though, they go to Arvandyr rather than try to live without their other half. Well, I don't really feel like dying yet, but I can say, with certainty that I've been quite miserable in the months since the battle with the dark elves.
Then, of course, there is the final end in all of the stories…in some of the tales, where the person does not go mad, or die, they turn on their loved one with a vengeance…killing and wreaking havoc in their other's life over the rejection. But while I could, at this point, cheerfully murder Evyth Amarillis, I don't think I could ever do that to Rosealliele.
Thus I am stuck. Maybe if Tobias or Sylthas were here they could give me some advice…but of my fellows at the school, none of them are what I would call "Ladies' men." Especially not Bran, who is full of the sort of advice that I should get her drunk and sleep with her so that she'll realize how much she wants me. Hah. If I did anything like that I am quite certain that Rose would curse me within an inch of my life, or polymorph me into a toad or something. Besides, I've had my fill of forcing women to sleep with me…a long time ago.
And of course Sera is not helping at all with her incessant whining and crying that I'm being cruel. Nor does it help that just about everyone seems to know what's happening, and I keep getting these knowing looks that are really starting to irritate. Even Zelairwyn, the little brat, asked me the other day whether or not Rose had said yes yet. Naturally he asked in the middle of a mock combat, and I was annoyed at his impertinence that I dropped my guard long enough for him to hit me in the side with his blade. He wasn't quite so smug a few moments later when he was lying on his back in the dust, gasping for the air I'd knocked out of his lungs. That would show him to think he could beat me with such cheating tactics.
Maybe I'll just let things rest for a while. I really don't know what else to do. And I thought it would all be so easy. What a fool I am. At this rate, I think I shall never be anything but a fool, and that thought is truly dismal.
Now, I didn't intend to eavesdrop, I swear. The fact of the matter is that I couldn't seem to find my reverie this night…not that that is a new occurrence, as of late. I was getting tired of attempting to puzzle my way through a book of dwarven history…the dwarven language is so hard to learn, and their history is incredibly dry and boring, and so decided that a journey to the kitchens was necessary.
I'd hoped that eating might distract my mind and the reading had not. I still find myself unable to stop thinking about her and what…if anything I could do to convince her that I mean the truth. It gnaws at me. Truly, I do admire her continued loyalty to her family and her vow, but I still cannot understand why she continues to insist that she will wed an elf she has never even met, rather than at least attempt a relationship with me, for whom I know she feels something…maybe not love, but definitely more than she could feel for a stranger.
The very thought of Evyth Amarillis kissing Rose…holding her as I have, and loving her as I ache to…it makes me ill and more than that…angry! I can't allow this to happen, I really cannot. I love her. I've managed to accept that she is the one woman in the world I want, who is meant for me and its driving me insane to think that she might give up what we might have, all for the sake of accursed duty!
In any case, I went to the kitchens, and in the pantry I located half of a cake that had been left over from dessert. I helped myself to a fair-sized chunk of it and was on my way back to my room when I heard voices. Since they were between my destination, and me I moved a little closer to see what was going on.
My plate of cake in hand, I peered into the small courtyard that stood between me and the kitchen and the door to the house. The kitchen is actually connected to the house by way of a hall, but the cook sleeps down there and if she found out that I was rummaging in the kitchen without her permission, she'd be serving my head on a platter for dinner tomorrow.
At the half-full, the light of Selune was more than enough for me to see clearly…and their whispered voices carried equally as well in the still silence of the courtyard.
My cousin Liralyn was dressed in a thin, white night dress, the curves of her body readily visible in the moon's light. Not long ago the sight of any woman so attired would most certainly have been arousing, but not so now…not since Rose has driven all thoughts of others from my mind.
Before Liralyn, wearing a robe and loose breeches was Kalanas. They both seemed agitated; upset. Their gestures and whispers indicative of some sort of argument. Now intensely curious, I crept a wee bit closer to hear what they were saying, gripping my plate tightly.
"I love you…you know that. You've always known that. Why can't that be enough?" I heard Liralyn say to him in a shaky sounding whisper.
"Because I want more than that," Kalanas replied.
"I can't give any more," Liralyn told him.
"Why not?" Kalanas asked, sounding angry, raking his dark hands through bone-white hair.
"If it were just me, I would wed you in a moment…but I have to think of my children," Liralyn protested, even as I tried to wrap my thoughts around the idea of a dark elf wishing to wed a gold elf…and vice versa.
"Your children," I heard him repeat, the anger still evident in his voice. It sounded strange to me, seeing as even during all my fights with his brother, I'd never heard him take a tone like this.
"They certainly are you're favorite excuse," he continued, crossing his arms over his chest. "Especially considering every child you've born since Rhylaun, and every lover you've taken has been another attempt to push me away." He sounded hurt…furious. But if what he'd said was true, even I couldn't blame him.
"Can't you see that it wouldn't work? Not in the conventional sense?" she asked him, ignoring his previous statement, leading me to think that his words probably had been true. He certainly has more patience that I give him credit for. If it had been me, and she had been Rose, I don't think that I could have stood by and allowed her to even attempt pushing me away in such a manner. Although, isn't that, in a way, exactly what she is doing with her thrice-damned betrothed?
"Some times love isn't enough," Liralyn tried to explain herself. "I watched my mother spend her life chasing a dream. She abandoned everyone and everything she ever cared about for the sake of love! Her music…her home...her family…her own children… I can't do that to my children, not matter the reason behind their births!"
"I'm not asking you to give up anything!" he retorted.
"But you are! Marrying you would cause an uproar among the People. It's never been done! We'd be ostracized. My children would be ostracized! Their fathers could try to take them from me. The Queen might try to take Zelairwyn away!" she held her hands out in a pleading fashion to him. I suppose I could understand her logic. And she was right…such a union would cause an uproar. If nothing else, I am certain that most if the elven children here would be pulled from the school faster than I could say "insane headmistress."
"And what of your ideals? The reason for this school? Equality…cooperation…acceptance. Or are those ideals only for select races? I'm good enough to be a teacher here, to be your lover and the father of your child, but not your husband?" he demanded.
"You're asking me to do what has not been done since before the Crown Wars!" she exclaimed.
"I'm asking your practice what you preach!" he barely refrained from shouting. She did not reply. He sighed.
"Fine Liralyn. Hide what you feel for me, as you force me to do the same. Make our love like some dirty secret to be hidden if you choose. Hold onto the old ways of your people that dictate that like should only be with like. Wed some proper gold elf…but do not expect me to stay and watch any longer. And do not think that I will allow you to harm Rhylaun with your hypocritical beliefs any longer. I won't have him come to think that he is equal with the rest of his elven siblings and classmates when, apparently, he is nothing more than a drow, like his father…a sin of birth that is, apparently, unforgivable. Better he should be raised in a dark elf society that he might learn his "place" in the world," Kalanas stated harshly, almost cruelly. I don't suppose I can blame him, no matter what my feelings on dark elves are. Still, if he thought fighting millennia of hatred was going to be easy, I say he is a fool. Liralyn began to cry, sinking slowly to the ground.
"That's not what I meant…that's not what I think," he sobbed. "Please…don't go…don't take Rhylaun away from me," she pleaded, almost incomprehensible through her tears. Gods I detest crying. No matter the argument or reason, when a woman or a child cries, it makes one feel as though they are the lowest of the low for causing it. I can say that I know this from experience.
I heard Kalanas sigh again, as he dropped to his knees to hold my cousin in his arms. I thought I heard him whisper that he was sorry and that he hadn't mean it, that he wouldn't leave.
At that point I was beginning to feel very uncomfortable, and rather guilty for having listened in on such a personal conversation. And yet having heard it, I felt that it put my situation with Rose in stark perspective. All that stands between us is our families' expectations, her stubborn nature, which I am beginning to fear may be more than a match for my own, and two people whom neither of us love.
Kalanas and Liralyn must fight the hatred and prejudice of a race that has persisted well over 10 millennia. Put in that light, I know I'll try at least one more time…fight yet another battle for Rose. After all if a dark elf can fight the distrust of the world for the woman he loves, can I do less?
So I returned to the kitchen and ate my cake there, in the darkness, waiting for them to leave and praying that the cook didn't wake and discover my presence. Somehow, though, I wasn't really hungry anymore.