A/N: I've noticed that for some insane reason, chapter two was mixed with chapter one. I've already changed that, since I know I do get new readers now and then. (I still don't understand how I managed such a success with this story...*humble* I really don't...)
You guys have certainly been the best 'audience' I've ever had and probably will ever have. Though I must admit I suspect it has something to do with the fandom; maybe it's just that I'm a little more attuned with YNM fans than with others? *face of someone desperately trying to fit in*
I may joke around and appear like my ego has sky rocketed...(heh heh I'm a super genius!!!) but I'm forever grateful to all of you. I hope you have enjoyed this ride as much as I have.
And so it ends. (maybe?)
A DEVIL'S THRILL
It was as soon as his eyes landed on the black wig and before his mind had a chance to form any idea about it, that the kitchen door flew open. It was more instinct than planning what led Tsusuki to hide the wig behind himself and make sure his emotions were in check.
His eyes were focused on his partner, that walked obliviously into the living room carrying a tray with some sweets and a tea pot with two mugs. The boy settled his load on the coffee table and knelt in front of it, sitting on the floor opposite to Tsusuki. Hisoka saw the other man looking at him and had to fight the blush that threatened to appear. Hisoka gave Tsusuki a smile as sweet as he'd be able to pull out under the circumstances and handed him a little plate with the other man's favourite sweet.
"Here, I thought you'd be hungry." he said in a soft voice.
And indeed, Tsusuki had been hungry just a few seconds ago. After all, he hadn't eaten anything for a good 24 hours. At that moment though, food was the last thing on his mind.
Tsusuki just stared at him and Hisoka was starting to feel uncomfortable under such an intense glare. The older man bored his eyes into his partner's face, as if it held the answers to all the questions that were starting to rise within him.
Hisoka shifted uncomfortably on his seat and stretched his arm a little more.
"It's...your favourite. Don't you want it?"
The dark haired man took the pastry with two fingers slowly and carefully, never taking his eyes from Hisoka.
"Thank you." he said, with not very much emotion on his voice.
Hisoka was uncomfortable, yes; but not that surprised. Tsusuki had gone through a tough time and he'd expected him to be better considering he'd left the house while he'd been sleeping; but obviously he'd been wrong and Tsusuki was still affected by what had happened. That made him feel really guilty and made his resolve to tell him the truth a lot more urgent.
While the silence became more and more oppressive, Tsusuki remembering things he hadn't even known he'd stored in his mind; things that didn't held any meaning at the time, but now added to his confusion. He started backwards, if you will. The first thing that came to his mind was the incident with Hijiri just a few minutes before. His behaviour now held a whole new meaning; though it didn't hurt any less. And if Tsusuki remembered correctly, the other occasion when he was absolutely sure it had been Hijiri the one he'd seen, the boy had also acted strangely.
"Where did you go?" Hisoka tried to ask casually, his voice seeping concern. Tsusuki seemed to be a million miles away, but the amethyst eyes remained focused on him.
Tsusuki thought about the strange way Hisoka had acted that morning. How affectionate and reluctant to leave his side he'd been. And even now, making him a snack and smiling at him so tenderly. There shouldn't be any reason for Hisoka to change his attitude towards him. Unless...
Tsusuki shrugged, still playing with the uneaten pastry.
"I went to see Hijiri." he said deadpan, taking the opportunity to study the boy's reaction. Hisoka stiffened slightly and shifted again on his seat.
Tsusuki thought about their date, and how he'd thought Hijiri wasn't at all like he'd expected him to be; the other boy smiled a lot and was awfully friendly, yes, for Hisoka. But for Hijiri, his behaviour had actually been reserved and too quiet. And there was a different hint to his smile than to the one he'd been used to. And then there was those moments, when Hijiri seemed deep in thought; something he always associated with Hisoka, not Hijiri.
"Did...did you have a good time?" Hisoka tried his best not to show his nervousness. Hijiri wasn't aware of what had happened the night before. What would Tsusuki think if he went to apologize to Hijiri, or try to talk to him about what happened, when the fiddler had no idea?
"It was ok." Tsusuki shrugged.
Then he remembered the night before; How 'Hijiri' had shown up in the middle of the night telling him Hisoka had gone looking for him, even though he knew Hisoka didn't like the other boy that much.
Had it been a mockery? Had the two of them been playing with him? That didn't make much sense. No matter how much Hisoka disliked him, his partner would never do something so cruel.
"And when are you seeing him again?" Hisoka couldn't look at him in the face anymore. He was stalling, but the moment of truth was close and he knew it. Maybe if Tsusuki confessed first, it would be easier for him, but the other man was showing no indication of doing so anytime soon.
Tsusuki saw a chance to find out what had happened with Hisoka's question. A deceit to uncover another deceit, he thought. It seemed fair.
"I don't think I'm seeing him again." he said calmly, noticing the way Hisoka's face lit up. That confused him even more.
He remembered the time when he'd told Hisoka he was dating Hijiri, and the strange, upset way the boy had acted. And the love in his eyes the night before; that couldn't be fake. Hisoka couldn't have been the one he'd been with. But Hijiri couldn't have been either; not anymore. The fiddler couldn't have shown so much love one night and forgotten all about him the next day. Maybe he hadn't hear him? Maybe Hijiri had seen him at the school and done that to hurt him because he was hurting? Maybe he'd gotten it all wrong, and the wig didn't have to do with anything, but he still had to know.
"You aren't?" Hisoka almost cheered, then blushed and lowered his gaze. "I'm...I'm sorry." This was it! Tsusuki was going to tell him he loved him, so he'd be able to confess as well!
"Don't be sorry." Tsusuki forced a smug smile to form on his lips. "I'm not sad. Actually, I'm relieved! That boy is nice, but the last few times I've seen him, he's been so dense. Huff, you have no idea!" The act cost him a great deal, specially seeing Hisoka's hurt expression.
What did that expression mean?!
"You...I don't understand...That's the reason you're breaking up with him?" Hisoka shook his head helplessly.
"Well, yes. That and something else, but I don't think I should tell." Hisoka's eyes opened wide, and Tsusuki started to doubt he was doing the right thing. But though it might have been wrong, he knew it would work. If Hisoka was one thing, he was proud.
"What else?" Hisoka asked fearful.
Tsusuki leaned forward. It was cruel, he knew it, but it had to be done. He had to know.
"Don't tell anyone, but...well...he kinda sucks in bed."
Hisoka leaped from his seat, an indignant look on his face. Bulls eye, Tsusuki thought.
"That's not true!! You liked it! It was good!!" the boy yelled and immediately covered his mouth with his hand in shock about what he'd just said.
His big, green eyes stared right into Tsusuki's with fear, trying to pick up the other man's feelings and to see if Tsusuki had understood what he'd said. Tsusuki just stared right back for a few endless moments and then took something from behind his back and showed it to him. It took Hisoka a while to recognise it, before he realised, horrified, that Tsusuki was holding the wig.
Hisoka's eyes hurt as they filled with more tears than what he'd be able to hold back, but he couldn't speak. 'Not like this!' he thought, despair taking a hold of his being, overriding any other emotion he could be feeling. 'Not like this, he'll never believe me now!' He shook his head no, as the first tear fell down his cheek.
There was one option Tsusuki wouldn't dare to contemplate. Though it would make more sense than any of the other scenarios, he just couldn't believe Hisoka actually cared for him.
He felt bad, seeing how upset his partner looked, but in all honesty, he didn't feel that good either. He felt used, betrayed, and couldn't pinpoint exactly why.
"I'm not going to jump to conclusions." Tsusuki tried to say calmly. "You said this morning you wanted to talk to me. So talk." He hated how cold he'd sounded, but it was either that or whimpering like an idiot.
The young man fell to his knees, that soon became too weak for his weight and failed him. His tears became more frequent, as his breathing became erratic. He was starting to panic.
"I...I..." he couldn't say it. He could just stare at Tsusuki and silently pray that he'd see how sorry he was, until looking at the other man started to hurt too, and he had to look away. He covered his face with both hands as he couldn't hold it anymore and begun sobbing. "Please! I..."
Hisoka felt Tsusuki rising from the couch, and was sure he'd leave him there when he felt a strong arm wrapping itself around him.
Tsusuki couldn't help but to react at his partner's outburst. It didn't matter what had happened, Hisoka was still the person he held dearest in his heart. He couldn't just watch the boy cry like that and do nothing, as much as he wanted an explanation.
Tsusuki held Hisoka tight, but said nothing for a long while. Hisoka clung to him desperately while the other man soothed him in silence until the sobs started to subside. Then Tsusuki spoke.
"Better now?" he said gently, yet somewhat coldly. Hisoka nodded and sniffed, but didn't pull away from the embrace. Tsusuki didn't push him away either, so he figured it was ok. "Please, 'Soka, tell me."
Hisoka realised then; Tsusuki sounded hurt; like someone who has just been stabbed in the back; but he was still there, giving him a chance to explain. As bad a turn this had taken, he realised he still had a chance to make amends; his last chance, most likely; and he'd better get a hold of himself and use it, before everything was lost. He took a deep breath; partly to regain his breath, partly to gather his courage, and looked straight into Tsusuki's eyes once more, to show the man he was being truthful.
"We...Hijiri and I...remember on Monday, when I asked to talk to him in private?" he begun. Tsusuki tensed up and nodded. He was about to say something but Hisoka stopped. "Please..." he whispered. Hisoka's voice was very soft, almost as if he was actually *begging* Tsusuki not to form any ideas yet and let him finish. Before he could voice his request, Tsusuki rolled his eyes and motioned him to continue. "We...We were both worried about you, but it wasn't until that moment that we realised the other cared about you as much. You know we didn't get along that day; that's why. The two of us thought the other was going to hurt you. We talked, and I told Hijiri that I knew...that you loved him." The older man opened his eyes big, surprised at this. Hisoka laughed humourlessly. "He was surprised too, but I didn't get it back then. He told me...he said that he was over you, or something. That he cared deeply for you but...but he had already a life of his own and that he couldn't...he wouldn't take on the responsibility of dealing with you right now." Hisoka saw the hurt on Tsusuki's eyes at this. "I know now he was lying Tsusuki. I think I knew it back then, I just didn't understand why he'd lie. He saw...he knew you didn't really love him, and so he stepped aside. He really does love you."
Tsusuki shook his head in frustration.
"Then you did pretend to be him? Why?! I don't understand." As it became clear to him, Tsusuki felt anger rising inside of him.
"I told you! We were worried about you! I just thought..." he sighed. "You haven't been the same since...you know. I thought if you had someone at your side, someone that made you feel worthy, you'd realise you had a lot to live for. But I thought you hated me, and so I couldn't...I couldn't tell you the truth. I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I just wanted to help you; be at your side the way I couldn't be as myself. I...I'm sorry, Tsusuki. Please..."
Tsusuki stayed silent for a long time, letting it all sink in, and Hisoka was going blue from holding his breath. Finally, the dark haired man looked at him and sighed.
"I still don't understand a lot of things, but...Hisoka, you've really made a mess of things, you know?" Tsusuki knew he was easy to forgive; he suspected he'd forgive Muraki if the other man apologized profusely enough. But this time he felt his forgiveness was deserved. Hisoka hadn't meant wrong; he wasn't sure of *what* he'd meant, but it wasn't to hurt him. Hisoka nodded, and Tsusuki sighed again. "So, you heard it?" he said finally, with a little fear creeping into his voice.
Hisoka frowned.
"Huh?"
"Last...night." Tsusuki opened his eyes wide in shock as the thought struck him. "Oh god, I've just realised...I mean, I...You and I..."
It was both of them blushing at that moment.
"Yes, I heard." Hisoka said shyly, though he was still fearful of what was happening. "Tsusuki, if you hadn't found the wig...I still would have told you. I was going to tell you, today. You have to believe me!"
"That doesn't matter now, does it?" There was still some bitterness left in his voice, but Hisoka could see Tsusuki was giving in, and that made him smile in spite himself. "What are you smiling about?" Tsusuki said defensively.
"You're going to forgive me."
"Probably." Tsusuki said, smiling sadly. "But still, what you did..."
"I know. But I never meant..."
Tsusuki cut him off.
"I know that too. But why did you do it?" Tsusuki said, this time confusion was the emotion reflected on his face. An emotion Hisoka's own face was fast to imitate.
"I just told you...I..."
"No. That's not what I asked." Tsusuki blushed again. "We kissed...a lot. We...we had...sex..." the last word came out as a whisper. "Why? I'd thought you, of all people, wouldn't just sleep with someone to comfort them. I don't..."
This time Hisoka cut him off.
"I know now what you feel for me. I heard you say it when you thought I wasn't listening. Though that might be different now. But you heard me say it too. I wasn't lying, Tsusuki. I was in disguise, yes, but I never lied. Not once."
A thick silence fell upon them then. Hisoka was staring at his hands. It was done. Whatever would happen now, he had no control over. He found a little hope on the fact that Tsusuki still had an arm hanging loosely around him. It was obvious he was deep in thought.
Tsusuki could just stare at the blond hair in awe. Hisoka had just told him...that he...Hisoka loved him?? He'd heard his unwilling confession; he *knew* he'd used Hijiri- or so he'd thought at the time- to replace him. He knew it all and yet he loved him?
All the hurt and confusion he could have felt at the beginning had melted away as soon as he'd heard Hisoka's words. Ok, he *was* confused, but it didn't matter. He wanted to kiss him. To hold him and never let him go. But it was all so complicated now!
It was all out in the open, and yet Tsusuki couldn't move. It was like too much had been said. If something didn't happen soon, the awkwardness between them would never die away. And that couldn't happen. Hisoka loved him. He loved Hisoka. Sometimes, it was better not to think much and take action.
With this thought, Tsusuki tightened his hold of the boy with one arm, and used his free hand to tilt his face upwards, to meet those beautiful and yes, unique eyes. He saw them filled with fear an apprehension. He wanted to say something to ease his love's worries, but words were not enough.
He just leaned down and took those soft lips in his; once more, he realised, because it wasn't the first time. He could tell it wasn't too, because there was no hesitation in that kiss. Hisoka responded immediately, closing his eyes and letting out a little, barely audible squeal of happiness. It *was* different for them. The kiss was so familiar, their bodies knew the feeling of the other, but their hearts...it was as if a huge weight had been pulled off of them. Tsusuki knew, for certain, that he was kissing the one he *truly* loved, and Hisoka knew, for certain, that Tsusuki was kissing *him*.
Tsusuki couldn't help the tear that escaped his eyes. All that time, pretending he was kissing Hisoka, even as his conscience told him it was wrong. Thinking that the kiss tasted sweeter because of the illusion, only to realise that those kisses were that sweet on their own right.
They pulled apart for air, neither of them daring to speak, afraid they'd ruin it. It was a decision made for both of them, and one they wouldn't argue. They just kissed again, putting all that silly confusion behind them. It had seemed so serious; so hopeless, just a few seconds before. And now, now it was just that; a silly mix up.
There would be a lot to talk about. Or maybe not. The important things had been said, and what was left unsaid there was no need to say it. No 'I love yous' could ever be more eloquent than that kiss. Maybe it was better not to dwell on the pain for once. To leave it behind and look forward. Tsusuki found himself honestly having something to look forward to; for the first time in his life.
He was at peace.
~Owari~
Ok, so; yes, this NEEDS an epilogue. Badly. So wait for it soon. Besides, I'd never leave a story at chapter 13, that's just wrong. Yes, I'm *very* superstitious. But if you know it's superstition then it's ok, right?
I'm posting the first chappy of my next YNM story today. Check it out if you want.
No contests this time, since it's the last chappy. But here go the final prizes.
On the left there's the number of reviews required for each prize, and then those who got it. I think it's sorta unfair, since some people got here later and some never reviewed again, but all the prizes are nice, so I hope it's ok. @-@
1-2_A chocolate box with the shape of a heart and a picture of Tsusuki and Hisoka on the top.
Sade, Cap'n Chobie, Koyuki, Pink, Kiyomi, Prudence-chan, Dementia-12, E-san, French-Fille, Kitana, Kitsune, Suzaku1, Kirei Aya, Taiyu, Firskey-
Thanks for your reviews, that not for little were any less appreciated. And I think I should mention the first four on the list deserve extra credit. Sorry guys, I just couldn't think a fairer way to do this. Gomen!!
3-5_A key chain with a little Tsusuki dressed as a teddy bear.
Sheera's Greywolf, Cofi, ??????, Last waltz, Miko, Dib, Nakkie, Aikawa Fuuko-
I was really surprised. Not that three, four or five reviews are little, but seriously, with most of you it felt like more; it meant so much to me, maybe that was it. Though some of you were lost in action, I still thank you for ever!!
5-8_An Inu Tsusuki plushie that says 'I love you!' when you squeeze his belly.
Kyraille Fade, Dodger-chan, Madiha, Tifa-
Ah, you guys were so close!! Must say, you are ALL amongst my favourite reviewers. Yes, I'm mean, I have favourites. A review from either of you guys made my day a lot brighter!! Thank you!!
9-10_A real life Tsusuki doll.
Taran-taran!!! There's a tie people!!! A tie!!!
Sincere Serenity and Miyahara Yuuki (neither of which reviewed the last chappy, btw :P) With an outstanding amount of ten reviews each, get a real life Tsusuki doll. You each get your own, so don't fight!
I couldn't do this AND answer each review, but know I did read them all and they all meant the world to me.
Sayonara!
You guys have certainly been the best 'audience' I've ever had and probably will ever have. Though I must admit I suspect it has something to do with the fandom; maybe it's just that I'm a little more attuned with YNM fans than with others? *face of someone desperately trying to fit in*
I may joke around and appear like my ego has sky rocketed...(heh heh I'm a super genius!!!) but I'm forever grateful to all of you. I hope you have enjoyed this ride as much as I have.
And so it ends. (maybe?)
A DEVIL'S THRILL
It was as soon as his eyes landed on the black wig and before his mind had a chance to form any idea about it, that the kitchen door flew open. It was more instinct than planning what led Tsusuki to hide the wig behind himself and make sure his emotions were in check.
His eyes were focused on his partner, that walked obliviously into the living room carrying a tray with some sweets and a tea pot with two mugs. The boy settled his load on the coffee table and knelt in front of it, sitting on the floor opposite to Tsusuki. Hisoka saw the other man looking at him and had to fight the blush that threatened to appear. Hisoka gave Tsusuki a smile as sweet as he'd be able to pull out under the circumstances and handed him a little plate with the other man's favourite sweet.
"Here, I thought you'd be hungry." he said in a soft voice.
And indeed, Tsusuki had been hungry just a few seconds ago. After all, he hadn't eaten anything for a good 24 hours. At that moment though, food was the last thing on his mind.
Tsusuki just stared at him and Hisoka was starting to feel uncomfortable under such an intense glare. The older man bored his eyes into his partner's face, as if it held the answers to all the questions that were starting to rise within him.
Hisoka shifted uncomfortably on his seat and stretched his arm a little more.
"It's...your favourite. Don't you want it?"
The dark haired man took the pastry with two fingers slowly and carefully, never taking his eyes from Hisoka.
"Thank you." he said, with not very much emotion on his voice.
Hisoka was uncomfortable, yes; but not that surprised. Tsusuki had gone through a tough time and he'd expected him to be better considering he'd left the house while he'd been sleeping; but obviously he'd been wrong and Tsusuki was still affected by what had happened. That made him feel really guilty and made his resolve to tell him the truth a lot more urgent.
While the silence became more and more oppressive, Tsusuki remembering things he hadn't even known he'd stored in his mind; things that didn't held any meaning at the time, but now added to his confusion. He started backwards, if you will. The first thing that came to his mind was the incident with Hijiri just a few minutes before. His behaviour now held a whole new meaning; though it didn't hurt any less. And if Tsusuki remembered correctly, the other occasion when he was absolutely sure it had been Hijiri the one he'd seen, the boy had also acted strangely.
"Where did you go?" Hisoka tried to ask casually, his voice seeping concern. Tsusuki seemed to be a million miles away, but the amethyst eyes remained focused on him.
Tsusuki thought about the strange way Hisoka had acted that morning. How affectionate and reluctant to leave his side he'd been. And even now, making him a snack and smiling at him so tenderly. There shouldn't be any reason for Hisoka to change his attitude towards him. Unless...
Tsusuki shrugged, still playing with the uneaten pastry.
"I went to see Hijiri." he said deadpan, taking the opportunity to study the boy's reaction. Hisoka stiffened slightly and shifted again on his seat.
Tsusuki thought about their date, and how he'd thought Hijiri wasn't at all like he'd expected him to be; the other boy smiled a lot and was awfully friendly, yes, for Hisoka. But for Hijiri, his behaviour had actually been reserved and too quiet. And there was a different hint to his smile than to the one he'd been used to. And then there was those moments, when Hijiri seemed deep in thought; something he always associated with Hisoka, not Hijiri.
"Did...did you have a good time?" Hisoka tried his best not to show his nervousness. Hijiri wasn't aware of what had happened the night before. What would Tsusuki think if he went to apologize to Hijiri, or try to talk to him about what happened, when the fiddler had no idea?
"It was ok." Tsusuki shrugged.
Then he remembered the night before; How 'Hijiri' had shown up in the middle of the night telling him Hisoka had gone looking for him, even though he knew Hisoka didn't like the other boy that much.
Had it been a mockery? Had the two of them been playing with him? That didn't make much sense. No matter how much Hisoka disliked him, his partner would never do something so cruel.
"And when are you seeing him again?" Hisoka couldn't look at him in the face anymore. He was stalling, but the moment of truth was close and he knew it. Maybe if Tsusuki confessed first, it would be easier for him, but the other man was showing no indication of doing so anytime soon.
Tsusuki saw a chance to find out what had happened with Hisoka's question. A deceit to uncover another deceit, he thought. It seemed fair.
"I don't think I'm seeing him again." he said calmly, noticing the way Hisoka's face lit up. That confused him even more.
He remembered the time when he'd told Hisoka he was dating Hijiri, and the strange, upset way the boy had acted. And the love in his eyes the night before; that couldn't be fake. Hisoka couldn't have been the one he'd been with. But Hijiri couldn't have been either; not anymore. The fiddler couldn't have shown so much love one night and forgotten all about him the next day. Maybe he hadn't hear him? Maybe Hijiri had seen him at the school and done that to hurt him because he was hurting? Maybe he'd gotten it all wrong, and the wig didn't have to do with anything, but he still had to know.
"You aren't?" Hisoka almost cheered, then blushed and lowered his gaze. "I'm...I'm sorry." This was it! Tsusuki was going to tell him he loved him, so he'd be able to confess as well!
"Don't be sorry." Tsusuki forced a smug smile to form on his lips. "I'm not sad. Actually, I'm relieved! That boy is nice, but the last few times I've seen him, he's been so dense. Huff, you have no idea!" The act cost him a great deal, specially seeing Hisoka's hurt expression.
What did that expression mean?!
"You...I don't understand...That's the reason you're breaking up with him?" Hisoka shook his head helplessly.
"Well, yes. That and something else, but I don't think I should tell." Hisoka's eyes opened wide, and Tsusuki started to doubt he was doing the right thing. But though it might have been wrong, he knew it would work. If Hisoka was one thing, he was proud.
"What else?" Hisoka asked fearful.
Tsusuki leaned forward. It was cruel, he knew it, but it had to be done. He had to know.
"Don't tell anyone, but...well...he kinda sucks in bed."
Hisoka leaped from his seat, an indignant look on his face. Bulls eye, Tsusuki thought.
"That's not true!! You liked it! It was good!!" the boy yelled and immediately covered his mouth with his hand in shock about what he'd just said.
His big, green eyes stared right into Tsusuki's with fear, trying to pick up the other man's feelings and to see if Tsusuki had understood what he'd said. Tsusuki just stared right back for a few endless moments and then took something from behind his back and showed it to him. It took Hisoka a while to recognise it, before he realised, horrified, that Tsusuki was holding the wig.
Hisoka's eyes hurt as they filled with more tears than what he'd be able to hold back, but he couldn't speak. 'Not like this!' he thought, despair taking a hold of his being, overriding any other emotion he could be feeling. 'Not like this, he'll never believe me now!' He shook his head no, as the first tear fell down his cheek.
There was one option Tsusuki wouldn't dare to contemplate. Though it would make more sense than any of the other scenarios, he just couldn't believe Hisoka actually cared for him.
He felt bad, seeing how upset his partner looked, but in all honesty, he didn't feel that good either. He felt used, betrayed, and couldn't pinpoint exactly why.
"I'm not going to jump to conclusions." Tsusuki tried to say calmly. "You said this morning you wanted to talk to me. So talk." He hated how cold he'd sounded, but it was either that or whimpering like an idiot.
The young man fell to his knees, that soon became too weak for his weight and failed him. His tears became more frequent, as his breathing became erratic. He was starting to panic.
"I...I..." he couldn't say it. He could just stare at Tsusuki and silently pray that he'd see how sorry he was, until looking at the other man started to hurt too, and he had to look away. He covered his face with both hands as he couldn't hold it anymore and begun sobbing. "Please! I..."
Hisoka felt Tsusuki rising from the couch, and was sure he'd leave him there when he felt a strong arm wrapping itself around him.
Tsusuki couldn't help but to react at his partner's outburst. It didn't matter what had happened, Hisoka was still the person he held dearest in his heart. He couldn't just watch the boy cry like that and do nothing, as much as he wanted an explanation.
Tsusuki held Hisoka tight, but said nothing for a long while. Hisoka clung to him desperately while the other man soothed him in silence until the sobs started to subside. Then Tsusuki spoke.
"Better now?" he said gently, yet somewhat coldly. Hisoka nodded and sniffed, but didn't pull away from the embrace. Tsusuki didn't push him away either, so he figured it was ok. "Please, 'Soka, tell me."
Hisoka realised then; Tsusuki sounded hurt; like someone who has just been stabbed in the back; but he was still there, giving him a chance to explain. As bad a turn this had taken, he realised he still had a chance to make amends; his last chance, most likely; and he'd better get a hold of himself and use it, before everything was lost. He took a deep breath; partly to regain his breath, partly to gather his courage, and looked straight into Tsusuki's eyes once more, to show the man he was being truthful.
"We...Hijiri and I...remember on Monday, when I asked to talk to him in private?" he begun. Tsusuki tensed up and nodded. He was about to say something but Hisoka stopped. "Please..." he whispered. Hisoka's voice was very soft, almost as if he was actually *begging* Tsusuki not to form any ideas yet and let him finish. Before he could voice his request, Tsusuki rolled his eyes and motioned him to continue. "We...We were both worried about you, but it wasn't until that moment that we realised the other cared about you as much. You know we didn't get along that day; that's why. The two of us thought the other was going to hurt you. We talked, and I told Hijiri that I knew...that you loved him." The older man opened his eyes big, surprised at this. Hisoka laughed humourlessly. "He was surprised too, but I didn't get it back then. He told me...he said that he was over you, or something. That he cared deeply for you but...but he had already a life of his own and that he couldn't...he wouldn't take on the responsibility of dealing with you right now." Hisoka saw the hurt on Tsusuki's eyes at this. "I know now he was lying Tsusuki. I think I knew it back then, I just didn't understand why he'd lie. He saw...he knew you didn't really love him, and so he stepped aside. He really does love you."
Tsusuki shook his head in frustration.
"Then you did pretend to be him? Why?! I don't understand." As it became clear to him, Tsusuki felt anger rising inside of him.
"I told you! We were worried about you! I just thought..." he sighed. "You haven't been the same since...you know. I thought if you had someone at your side, someone that made you feel worthy, you'd realise you had a lot to live for. But I thought you hated me, and so I couldn't...I couldn't tell you the truth. I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I just wanted to help you; be at your side the way I couldn't be as myself. I...I'm sorry, Tsusuki. Please..."
Tsusuki stayed silent for a long time, letting it all sink in, and Hisoka was going blue from holding his breath. Finally, the dark haired man looked at him and sighed.
"I still don't understand a lot of things, but...Hisoka, you've really made a mess of things, you know?" Tsusuki knew he was easy to forgive; he suspected he'd forgive Muraki if the other man apologized profusely enough. But this time he felt his forgiveness was deserved. Hisoka hadn't meant wrong; he wasn't sure of *what* he'd meant, but it wasn't to hurt him. Hisoka nodded, and Tsusuki sighed again. "So, you heard it?" he said finally, with a little fear creeping into his voice.
Hisoka frowned.
"Huh?"
"Last...night." Tsusuki opened his eyes wide in shock as the thought struck him. "Oh god, I've just realised...I mean, I...You and I..."
It was both of them blushing at that moment.
"Yes, I heard." Hisoka said shyly, though he was still fearful of what was happening. "Tsusuki, if you hadn't found the wig...I still would have told you. I was going to tell you, today. You have to believe me!"
"That doesn't matter now, does it?" There was still some bitterness left in his voice, but Hisoka could see Tsusuki was giving in, and that made him smile in spite himself. "What are you smiling about?" Tsusuki said defensively.
"You're going to forgive me."
"Probably." Tsusuki said, smiling sadly. "But still, what you did..."
"I know. But I never meant..."
Tsusuki cut him off.
"I know that too. But why did you do it?" Tsusuki said, this time confusion was the emotion reflected on his face. An emotion Hisoka's own face was fast to imitate.
"I just told you...I..."
"No. That's not what I asked." Tsusuki blushed again. "We kissed...a lot. We...we had...sex..." the last word came out as a whisper. "Why? I'd thought you, of all people, wouldn't just sleep with someone to comfort them. I don't..."
This time Hisoka cut him off.
"I know now what you feel for me. I heard you say it when you thought I wasn't listening. Though that might be different now. But you heard me say it too. I wasn't lying, Tsusuki. I was in disguise, yes, but I never lied. Not once."
A thick silence fell upon them then. Hisoka was staring at his hands. It was done. Whatever would happen now, he had no control over. He found a little hope on the fact that Tsusuki still had an arm hanging loosely around him. It was obvious he was deep in thought.
Tsusuki could just stare at the blond hair in awe. Hisoka had just told him...that he...Hisoka loved him?? He'd heard his unwilling confession; he *knew* he'd used Hijiri- or so he'd thought at the time- to replace him. He knew it all and yet he loved him?
All the hurt and confusion he could have felt at the beginning had melted away as soon as he'd heard Hisoka's words. Ok, he *was* confused, but it didn't matter. He wanted to kiss him. To hold him and never let him go. But it was all so complicated now!
It was all out in the open, and yet Tsusuki couldn't move. It was like too much had been said. If something didn't happen soon, the awkwardness between them would never die away. And that couldn't happen. Hisoka loved him. He loved Hisoka. Sometimes, it was better not to think much and take action.
With this thought, Tsusuki tightened his hold of the boy with one arm, and used his free hand to tilt his face upwards, to meet those beautiful and yes, unique eyes. He saw them filled with fear an apprehension. He wanted to say something to ease his love's worries, but words were not enough.
He just leaned down and took those soft lips in his; once more, he realised, because it wasn't the first time. He could tell it wasn't too, because there was no hesitation in that kiss. Hisoka responded immediately, closing his eyes and letting out a little, barely audible squeal of happiness. It *was* different for them. The kiss was so familiar, their bodies knew the feeling of the other, but their hearts...it was as if a huge weight had been pulled off of them. Tsusuki knew, for certain, that he was kissing the one he *truly* loved, and Hisoka knew, for certain, that Tsusuki was kissing *him*.
Tsusuki couldn't help the tear that escaped his eyes. All that time, pretending he was kissing Hisoka, even as his conscience told him it was wrong. Thinking that the kiss tasted sweeter because of the illusion, only to realise that those kisses were that sweet on their own right.
They pulled apart for air, neither of them daring to speak, afraid they'd ruin it. It was a decision made for both of them, and one they wouldn't argue. They just kissed again, putting all that silly confusion behind them. It had seemed so serious; so hopeless, just a few seconds before. And now, now it was just that; a silly mix up.
There would be a lot to talk about. Or maybe not. The important things had been said, and what was left unsaid there was no need to say it. No 'I love yous' could ever be more eloquent than that kiss. Maybe it was better not to dwell on the pain for once. To leave it behind and look forward. Tsusuki found himself honestly having something to look forward to; for the first time in his life.
He was at peace.
~Owari~
Ok, so; yes, this NEEDS an epilogue. Badly. So wait for it soon. Besides, I'd never leave a story at chapter 13, that's just wrong. Yes, I'm *very* superstitious. But if you know it's superstition then it's ok, right?
I'm posting the first chappy of my next YNM story today. Check it out if you want.
No contests this time, since it's the last chappy. But here go the final prizes.
On the left there's the number of reviews required for each prize, and then those who got it. I think it's sorta unfair, since some people got here later and some never reviewed again, but all the prizes are nice, so I hope it's ok. @-@
1-2_A chocolate box with the shape of a heart and a picture of Tsusuki and Hisoka on the top.
Sade, Cap'n Chobie, Koyuki, Pink, Kiyomi, Prudence-chan, Dementia-12, E-san, French-Fille, Kitana, Kitsune, Suzaku1, Kirei Aya, Taiyu, Firskey-
Thanks for your reviews, that not for little were any less appreciated. And I think I should mention the first four on the list deserve extra credit. Sorry guys, I just couldn't think a fairer way to do this. Gomen!!
3-5_A key chain with a little Tsusuki dressed as a teddy bear.
Sheera's Greywolf, Cofi, ??????, Last waltz, Miko, Dib, Nakkie, Aikawa Fuuko-
I was really surprised. Not that three, four or five reviews are little, but seriously, with most of you it felt like more; it meant so much to me, maybe that was it. Though some of you were lost in action, I still thank you for ever!!
5-8_An Inu Tsusuki plushie that says 'I love you!' when you squeeze his belly.
Kyraille Fade, Dodger-chan, Madiha, Tifa-
Ah, you guys were so close!! Must say, you are ALL amongst my favourite reviewers. Yes, I'm mean, I have favourites. A review from either of you guys made my day a lot brighter!! Thank you!!
9-10_A real life Tsusuki doll.
Taran-taran!!! There's a tie people!!! A tie!!!
Sincere Serenity and Miyahara Yuuki (neither of which reviewed the last chappy, btw :P) With an outstanding amount of ten reviews each, get a real life Tsusuki doll. You each get your own, so don't fight!
I couldn't do this AND answer each review, but know I did read them all and they all meant the world to me.
Sayonara!