Disclaimer: Squaresoft owns everything…bla bla…
Where the Hell is Ultimecia?!
After the briefing from the president of Esthar (that's Laguna, duh) in Ragnarok, everyone was in high spirits and well prepared to fight Sorceress Adel inside Lunatic Pandora.
"Okay guys, everything that moron president said, let's crash into Lunatic Pandora with Ragnarok!" Even Squall was feeling excited.
"Okie dokie!" answered Selphie, and proceeded to pilot the airship full speed towards the flying weird thingy. Everyone else held their breath and grabbed anything they could hold on to for the impact.
An impact they got, but not as they had planned. Lunatic Pandora continued floating above Tears' Point, unscathed.
"What the? We should have crashed into it! What's going on?!" yelled Zell, as impatient as ever.
Everyone else was puzzled too. "Selphie, try crashing into it from farther away," commanded Squall.
Ragnarok flew back to Esthar City, and zoomed towards the ominous floating thingy again. After another greater impact, everyone lifted their heads only to see the thing remained perfectly well right before their eyes, as if mocking them for their feeble attempt to make a hole in it. Not even a dent was visible. Truly evil…
All turned their eyes towards their commander. "I don't know what's going on either," commented Squall.
"Ragnarok is the greatest airship in the world, with that sharp beak, the least it can do is to poke a hole in that thing! That's it, I'm gonna cry!" wailed Selphie.
"Alright, I'm going to ask the president." Squall quickly left the cockpit while the others tried their best to calm Selphie down.
* * * * * * * *
"Sir…"
"Call me dad. It has a nice ring to it," snapped Laguna.
"Sir," continued Squall, unperturbed, "We failed to crash into Ragnarok. Do you have any idea why?"
"Why are you asking me? I'm not God! How 'bout if you travel around the world again to see if you missed out on anything?" suggested the president.
No reason to object to that, really. So Squall returned to the cockpit and told his friends what Laguna told him.
* * * * * * * *
At Edea's orphanage…
"…so we've come to ask you for a solution to our problem. And by the way, you're not a sorceress anymore, matron, so why are you still wearing that dress with that stupid headdress?"
"Cid says I look devilish in it and it turns him on, happy? Anyway, I am not God, I do not know all the answers to your problems, but have you tried traveling the world?" asked Edea. Cid nodded his head.
Squall groaned.
* * * * * * * *
"Do we really have to see that man, Squally-poo?" whimpered Rinoa, trying her best to change Squall's mind with the cutest puppy eyes.
"We have to, Rinny dear, asking those soldiers brought nothing up except stories about how Seifer became ruler of Galbadia under no one but Ultimecia, and that really hurt my ego. I'm not going to listen to them anymore."
At General Caraway's Residence…
After listening to their problem, General Caraway thought for a few seconds. "You know, Squall, I really don't know how to help you with your problem, I am not God, heck, I'm not even a General anymore! It's everything Seifer now!"
"I feel your pain, pal," said Squall. Rinoa gently patted his back.
"I know! You should travel around the world to learn more!" General Caraway snapped his fingers in delight, glad to offer them some help.
"Yeah, like that's new…" muttered Irvine under his breath.
* * * * * * * *
At the Elder's House in Shumi Village…
"…and that is why we have come to seek your knowledge."
Looking very important, the Elder held up one of his hand.
"Look at this hand. Huge, is it not?"
Squall arched an eyebrow. "Yes…"
"It even looks like a fin. Could it be I was destined to take up swimming lessons?" mused the Elder, absorbed by the beauty of his hand.
Everyone, including the Elder's assistant, smacked their foreheads.
"Were you even listening to our problem?!"
"Oh, I am terribly sorry! I am not God, you cannot expect to throw me any questions and have me answer them. May I suggest you travel around the world in search for the right answer?"
That suggestion had gotten sooooo old…
* * * * * * * *
At Lunatic Pandora Laboratory…
"…do you understand every word I said?" asked Squall, eyeing the queer old man.
"Yez, Yez, of courze I do, I am not ztupid you know," Dr Odine eyed him back. He got up from his chair and began running around and screaming.
"Um…Dr Odine?" Squall started.
The weirdo halted and looked at his three puzzled guests. "Vat?"
"What the hell are you doing?!" Irvine blurted out.
"Vell…it'z very zimple actually. I am vaiting for the end of the vorld. I am not God, zo I am brain-dead about thiz zituation."
The three slumped into their chairs. "At least he didn't tell us to travel around the world," said Rinoa, forcing a smile.
* * * * * * * *
In the cockpit of Ragnarok…
Rinoa and Irvine explained the situation to the rest of the gang.
"You mean we have absolutely no way to get into that thing?" questioned Quistis.
Rinoa nodded sadly.
"That's just sooo unfair! Not after we've done so much to reach this far!" exclaimed Zell.
Squall had been silent all that time. Suddenly he grabbed his Lion Heart. "This is just too much! We've completed almost every damn side quests, we've gotten everyone their ultimate weapon, we've gotten every GF in the game, I'm at level 100, you guys are around level 70, there is no reason we couldn't beat the hell out of Ultimecia! I can't take it anymore, I'm going to smash open a hole in that thing with my Lion Heart, I have 255 strength rating anyway! Nothing is going to stop me from kicking Ultimecia's butt!"
Before anyone could stop him, Squall smashed open the window of Ragnarok. Immediately, he created a vacuum and everyone was sucked out of the airship.
The six of our heroes together with Laguna, Kiros and Ward fell from Ragnarok and died.
Cid got himself impaled by Edea's headdress while in bed and died.
Edea stabbed herself using her headdress out of guiltiness and died.
General Caraway got lost in the sewers that led from his house and died.
The Shumi Elder went swimming in the pond near his house and drowned.
Dr Odine ran into a wall and died.
Everyone else practically died, what with monsters running about eating people and Ultimecia's Time Compression thingy next on the menu.
The End
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's note: Muahahahhahahah! I've killed everyone! I don't usually write fanfics of this sort, but I'm just letting off steam. I wrote this short story of pure evil and insanity out of frustation, because I've really encountered the above problem the second time I played this game. That's right, I've only played this game one time and another time halfway through. It really made me want to kill them off. Muahahhahahahha! Can you believe I finished this fanfic in only a day? Oh, I'd like it if you would review this, I wanna know how bad I fared in this work. Flames welcomed, I am prepared anyway. ,,,^..^,,,