Disclaimers: See Part 1.
*****
::London::
It took both of us to calm down Mrs. Hudson when we arrived back at Baker Street, though at first I could make no sense of what she was saying. Granted, the staid housekeeper had endured a number of odd events at our humble dwelling, and if she were prone to fits of hysteria they would certainly have manifested themselves by now, but when we found her she was babbling about being accosted by a large orangutan.
Vetinari, with the sort of calm efficiency that would have stood up against the downfall of western civilisation, let alone a terrified housekeeper, guided Mrs Hudson to the guest chair in front of the fire (the one generally used by clients of Holmes') and poured a small amount of brandy into a glass for her.
"Take a deep breath, madam," he said as she downed the brandy and tried to pull herself together, "I can see that you went through a very frightening event while we were out."
"It was awful," she asserted once she had calmed down, "After you'd left - I'd say no more than an hour after - someone rang the bell, and kept on ringing it and ringing it until I opened the door. I thought it was one of the Irregulars, having a bit of fun--"
"Irregulars?" Vetinari interjected.
"Oh, they're a band of street urchins Mr. Holmes uses sometimes on his cases," I explained, trying to be helpful.
"Interesting," Vetinari said, as though it were no more interesting than a crack in the plaster (which, to be fair, Holmes had taught be could be very fascinating indeed). "So, you opened the door...?"
"I opened the door," Mrs Hudson continued, "and standing there on the front step was a strange young man, and a huge red ape like you'd see at the circus!"
Vetinari accepted this description with alarming matter-of-factness.
"What did the young man look like?" was all he asked.
"Er, he was a bit shorter than Dr. Watson, maybe twenty years old or so, and he was dressed in some sort of a robe, all different colours in it like a kaleidoscope, and he had purple hair!"
"Purple!" I echoed, now certain that Mrs. Hudson needed to lie down.
"Purple," she confirmed, "And not purple like he'd painted it, purple like it grew out of his head purple. And it was all in spikes like a hedgehog!"
I turned to Vetinari. "Really, I think she needs to rest--"
He held his hand up to silence me. "In a moment, Watson," he said sharply, then asked of Mrs. Hudson, "Did he say anything to you?"
"Not right away, no," she replied, "But they both barged in with out so much as a by-your-leave like they owned the place, and they looked like they were looking for something."
"I expect you followed them."
"Well, of course I followed them! I didn't want some carny worker and an orangutan tracking all over the place!"
Vetinari turned to me with a smile. "You see, Watson? We could ask for no more ferocious guardian than this brave woman sitting here, if she was willing to attack an orangutan to keep her floors clean." To Mrs Hudson he added, "Pray continue."
Mrs Hudson, slightly emboldened, I suppose, by Vetinari's affirmation of her sanity and her defensive capabilities, sat up a bit straighter. "Well, I charged right up the stairs after them, and I entered the study to find the young man standing right in the middle of the room - just there - with his arms out and his eyes closed, and he was turning around slowly like a weathervane while his pet orangutan watched him, and I noticed this odd smell, like how the air gets before lightning strikes." Vetinari nodded and motioned for her to continue. "Then all of a sudden he stopped and opened his eyes, and took out his pocket-watch and talked into it."
"Did you hear what he said?" Vetinari prompted.
"I did - he said, 'No go, mate, this is the place all right but he's not here anymore.' He sounded Australian. But then, as God is my witness, *the pocket-watch talked back to him!*" She looked so heartfelt at this detail that I glanced at Vetinari to see what his reaction was. Not surprisingly, he had no observable reaction at all.
"And what did the pocket-watch say to him?" Vetinari asked.
"It said something like, 'Keep looking and report back as soon as you find him.'
"'No worries,' said the man with the purple hair, 'I feel sorry for you, though - this is really going to get up Mr. Vimes' nose, you know that.' And then the man with the purple hair shut the watch again and headed for the door, nodding at me like nothing in the world was wrong, so naturally I seized him by the arm and asked him what that was all about. He just looked at me for a few moments, with a look on his face like he just bit into a lemon, and then he said, 'I'm not sure if this concerns you, ma'am. Did you see anything unusual happen around here last night?'
"I told him no, except for that lightning strike at Big Ben. And he said he knew about that because he was right there, and had I seen a certain gentleman of his acquaintance which, to hear the description, might have been you, Mr. Vetinari. Well, I figured that if Mr. Holmes wanted you here to fill in for him, then it was nobody's business that it was really you and not him, so I told him that nobody like that lived there, and could he take his monkey and leave."
I noted that Vetinari flinched a bit when she said "monkey," in the same way people may regard someone speaking ill of someone else who turns out to be standing right behind them.
"And that ape of his gave me a reproachful look like it didn't like what I'd said," Mrs Hudson concluded, oblivious to Vetinari's expression, "which is silly of course, but they both left peacefully."
"Thank you, Mrs. Hudson," said Vetinari, "I think you have earned yourself the remainder of the day off. Watson and I shall fend for ourselves for dinner."
Mrs Hudson stood up and headed for the door, then paused and turned back.
"What should I do if they come back?" she asked.
"If Watson and I aren't here, you tell them to wait for me until I return - and that I want to talk to Ponder Stibbons as soon as he can arrange it." Something glinted in his eye that boded very ill for this Ponder Stibbons, whomever that might be. I suspected it might be a pseudonym.
"You know these people?" I asked of Vetinari after Mrs Hudson had left.
"Of course," he said, "After all, they're the likeliest reason I'm even here."
"So, the young man with purple hair, and the orangutan...?"
"Both are quite real. In fact, I do hope Mrs Hudson doesn't refer to the orangutan as a monkey again. He's quite picky about that."
I was starting to feel like I'd fallen down a rabbit hole and found myself surrounded by madmen. To judge by what Vetinari had told me about Ankh-Morpork, I could only imagine what Holmes was going through.
*****
End Part 9.
*****
::London::
It took both of us to calm down Mrs. Hudson when we arrived back at Baker Street, though at first I could make no sense of what she was saying. Granted, the staid housekeeper had endured a number of odd events at our humble dwelling, and if she were prone to fits of hysteria they would certainly have manifested themselves by now, but when we found her she was babbling about being accosted by a large orangutan.
Vetinari, with the sort of calm efficiency that would have stood up against the downfall of western civilisation, let alone a terrified housekeeper, guided Mrs Hudson to the guest chair in front of the fire (the one generally used by clients of Holmes') and poured a small amount of brandy into a glass for her.
"Take a deep breath, madam," he said as she downed the brandy and tried to pull herself together, "I can see that you went through a very frightening event while we were out."
"It was awful," she asserted once she had calmed down, "After you'd left - I'd say no more than an hour after - someone rang the bell, and kept on ringing it and ringing it until I opened the door. I thought it was one of the Irregulars, having a bit of fun--"
"Irregulars?" Vetinari interjected.
"Oh, they're a band of street urchins Mr. Holmes uses sometimes on his cases," I explained, trying to be helpful.
"Interesting," Vetinari said, as though it were no more interesting than a crack in the plaster (which, to be fair, Holmes had taught be could be very fascinating indeed). "So, you opened the door...?"
"I opened the door," Mrs Hudson continued, "and standing there on the front step was a strange young man, and a huge red ape like you'd see at the circus!"
Vetinari accepted this description with alarming matter-of-factness.
"What did the young man look like?" was all he asked.
"Er, he was a bit shorter than Dr. Watson, maybe twenty years old or so, and he was dressed in some sort of a robe, all different colours in it like a kaleidoscope, and he had purple hair!"
"Purple!" I echoed, now certain that Mrs. Hudson needed to lie down.
"Purple," she confirmed, "And not purple like he'd painted it, purple like it grew out of his head purple. And it was all in spikes like a hedgehog!"
I turned to Vetinari. "Really, I think she needs to rest--"
He held his hand up to silence me. "In a moment, Watson," he said sharply, then asked of Mrs. Hudson, "Did he say anything to you?"
"Not right away, no," she replied, "But they both barged in with out so much as a by-your-leave like they owned the place, and they looked like they were looking for something."
"I expect you followed them."
"Well, of course I followed them! I didn't want some carny worker and an orangutan tracking all over the place!"
Vetinari turned to me with a smile. "You see, Watson? We could ask for no more ferocious guardian than this brave woman sitting here, if she was willing to attack an orangutan to keep her floors clean." To Mrs Hudson he added, "Pray continue."
Mrs Hudson, slightly emboldened, I suppose, by Vetinari's affirmation of her sanity and her defensive capabilities, sat up a bit straighter. "Well, I charged right up the stairs after them, and I entered the study to find the young man standing right in the middle of the room - just there - with his arms out and his eyes closed, and he was turning around slowly like a weathervane while his pet orangutan watched him, and I noticed this odd smell, like how the air gets before lightning strikes." Vetinari nodded and motioned for her to continue. "Then all of a sudden he stopped and opened his eyes, and took out his pocket-watch and talked into it."
"Did you hear what he said?" Vetinari prompted.
"I did - he said, 'No go, mate, this is the place all right but he's not here anymore.' He sounded Australian. But then, as God is my witness, *the pocket-watch talked back to him!*" She looked so heartfelt at this detail that I glanced at Vetinari to see what his reaction was. Not surprisingly, he had no observable reaction at all.
"And what did the pocket-watch say to him?" Vetinari asked.
"It said something like, 'Keep looking and report back as soon as you find him.'
"'No worries,' said the man with the purple hair, 'I feel sorry for you, though - this is really going to get up Mr. Vimes' nose, you know that.' And then the man with the purple hair shut the watch again and headed for the door, nodding at me like nothing in the world was wrong, so naturally I seized him by the arm and asked him what that was all about. He just looked at me for a few moments, with a look on his face like he just bit into a lemon, and then he said, 'I'm not sure if this concerns you, ma'am. Did you see anything unusual happen around here last night?'
"I told him no, except for that lightning strike at Big Ben. And he said he knew about that because he was right there, and had I seen a certain gentleman of his acquaintance which, to hear the description, might have been you, Mr. Vetinari. Well, I figured that if Mr. Holmes wanted you here to fill in for him, then it was nobody's business that it was really you and not him, so I told him that nobody like that lived there, and could he take his monkey and leave."
I noted that Vetinari flinched a bit when she said "monkey," in the same way people may regard someone speaking ill of someone else who turns out to be standing right behind them.
"And that ape of his gave me a reproachful look like it didn't like what I'd said," Mrs Hudson concluded, oblivious to Vetinari's expression, "which is silly of course, but they both left peacefully."
"Thank you, Mrs. Hudson," said Vetinari, "I think you have earned yourself the remainder of the day off. Watson and I shall fend for ourselves for dinner."
Mrs Hudson stood up and headed for the door, then paused and turned back.
"What should I do if they come back?" she asked.
"If Watson and I aren't here, you tell them to wait for me until I return - and that I want to talk to Ponder Stibbons as soon as he can arrange it." Something glinted in his eye that boded very ill for this Ponder Stibbons, whomever that might be. I suspected it might be a pseudonym.
"You know these people?" I asked of Vetinari after Mrs Hudson had left.
"Of course," he said, "After all, they're the likeliest reason I'm even here."
"So, the young man with purple hair, and the orangutan...?"
"Both are quite real. In fact, I do hope Mrs Hudson doesn't refer to the orangutan as a monkey again. He's quite picky about that."
I was starting to feel like I'd fallen down a rabbit hole and found myself surrounded by madmen. To judge by what Vetinari had told me about Ankh-Morpork, I could only imagine what Holmes was going through.
*****
End Part 9.