And for no particular reason other than the fact that answers to the questions on the list aren't coming in much, here's something I came up with after my Adderall wore off.
[Note that if you think you see anything sexist, discriminatory, or hateful -- Trust me, it's not.]

THINGS THE RS3 CAST WOULD NEVER SAY(or do):

Mikhail: It's good to be the King, baby. *slaps the butt of a passing maid*
Katrina: Actually, Mikhail quite enjoys being tied up... ^_~
Monica: I'm available for 700 Aurum an hour to anyone who can pay!
Julian: Uhh... Monica, I like older women. Y'know, like Bai Meiling.
Harid: I am the brooding mercenary swordsman. Brood brood angst angst.
Fatima: Harid who?
Thomas: Screw you, Gramps! I'm gonna go invest all of our money in Enron!
Sara: *sings "I'm an ---hole" [by Denis Leary]*
Ellen: Sara? Who cares about her? And where's my beer
Zo: RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS, b$@%#! HA HA HA! DIE! DIE!
Sharl: Muse, get outta here! I actually like guys... This is my friend Steve. Sorry!
Muse: Yeah, I wondered why you dressed like that. Gimp.
Robin: Batmaaaaaaaaan! duh na na na na na na na na na Batmaaaaaaaaaan!
The Dophore Corporation: Let's change our name to Microsoft!
Fullbright: Dude... I'm like... the main character... and, uh... stuff? *takes another toke*
Maximus: *singing* All we are saying is.... give peace a chaaaance!
Tiberius: Young little whippersnappers... trying to top their elders!
Nora: I'm gonna change my name to Barbie when I marry Ken! *schoolgirl giggle*
Nina: WTF? Oh, jeez... Ken, do I have to save your ass EVERY time?
Paul: EEEEEEEEEEK! Save MEEEEEEEE!
Professor: I'm 35, straight, and have an IQ of 86. Durrrr.
Algernon: *Squeak squeak squeak eat cheese squeak squeak is a normal rat*
The Nachtezweiger: I brake for main characters.
Duke Zweig: I DA MAN!
Johannes: *does stuff around the house*
Anna: *Gets drunk and stays out till 2AM.*
Shonen: Hi! Wanna be my friend?
Poet: *Is useful*
Tatyana: I'm a Lasaiev, and proud of it!
Wood: *Doesn't look doofy*
Herman: Jackal was my bestest fwiend EVER! *hic*
Black: *Downs a can of spinach and proceeds to hilariously kick %#&.*
Gwayne: Hi, kids! I'm Barney!
Boston: Mmmm! Melted butter, yummy!
Leonid: Anne Rice, you shall pay for your hideous slander against vampirekind!
Zhi Lin: *does that annoying peace-sign-thing*
Bai Meiling: Weird?! How dare you call me that! I'm the sanest character in the forkin' game!
Yan Fan: I'm such a wuss.
Undine: I think I'll take up FIRE magic! Mu ha ha ha ha haa!
Volcano: Good, good! Burn up everything! Uwee h-- wait a minute, who the #$%& gave me the FF6 script?
Yousei: Look for my new game, Bondage Fairies SaGa, starring me, Yousei! [And alllll my girlfriends in the fairy village! ^_~ ] Out in stores now!
Yuki: Bwa ha ha. I have an Eternal Ice Crystal. Ph34r me.
Forneus: *La li la di da dee do*
Aunas: Oh my God, it's Frosty! I'm screwed! *flees*
Byunei: *Makes the Walrus sound from Eskimo Bob*
Arakes: Yo, yo, yo, dawgs! What up and happenin' in tha Aby-zouse?! *starts rapping*
The Destroyer: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling main characters!

...I think I just set my bar waaaaaay too high.
That, and about 75% of all the complaints about this post will be b/c people missed that word up there at the beginning... the one between "would" and "say".