Disclaimer: It didn't belong to me yesterday, and it doesn't belong to me today.
Notes: Well, we're back to Tatsuha's thought on the matter.
~*The Bible of Kumagoro—Getting Closer to Your God*~
"You're mad at me," Ryuichi commented as he crawled over to sit next to me on the bed, resting a hand on my stomach. I didn't understand where he got that idea from, but he hadn't been able to get it out of his head since he'd told me about his desire to go to America.
"I'm not mad at you, stop saying that," I practically ordered, continuing to stare up at the ceiling. I couldn't stand to look at him, true, but that wasn't because I was mad at him. It was because I felt so lost, and I didn't want him to know that. He would have been even more upset if he knew I was.
"Then stop lying to me na no da. I know you're mad at me…I don't blame you for it," he added quietly, and I moved a hand from behind my head to rest on top of his, sighing. What was it going to take to convince him that I wasn't mad at him? This had to have been the fifth time he'd done this.
"I'm not mad."
"You should be." I sighed and slid my fingers between Ryuichi's gently, glancing over at him quickly. "I'd be mad at me if I were you na no da. I'm being selfish." There was no doubt in my mind that Ryuichi was being at least a little bit selfish, but after everything he'd given up for me, it wasn't as if he deserved it.
"Ryuichi, do you remember what I was to you when we first met?" Ryuichi turned to blink at me innocently, and our eyes locked for a moment. "I wasn't Shuichi's friend to you. I wasn't Eiri's brother, Tohma's son-in-law. I wasn't your boyfriend or even your friend. What was I?" It was Ryuichi who broke eye contact, staring down at our hands.
"A fan."
"And what kind of a fan would keep the person they loved from singing?" I asked softly, sitting up. Ryuichi blushed slightly and turned to look towards the edge of the bed, obviously ignoring me. Maybe he was aware how stupid he'd sounded when he'd thought I'd actually be mad at him over this.
"I want you to come with me, it's not like I'm asking you to leave na no da," he pouted, crossing his legs in front of him. I let go of his hand to wrap my arms around him gently, forcing him to look at me. "I don't want to leave Tatsuha, really I don't."
"I know, but I have school. You know how much work I've put into this, and how much money I've already paid." Ryuichi nodded slowly, tears welling up in his eyes. "You know I'd go with you if I couldn't, but I can't. I just…can't."
"Why not? You don't have to go to school; I have enough money for the both of us! We can live in America and you could see Michael again, and you wouldn't be so stressed out all the time, and I could sing again…" Ryuichi must have been desperate to bring Michael up at a time like this. Did he really think I would go with him just to see Michael again? Did he not trust me?
"I don't want to, Ryuichi. Try to understand…I'm sick of being a burden to you."
"You're not a burden!" he screamed in return, pushing away from me. "Why does no one let me help them? I try so hard to help people out and they all tell me the same old thing. I wanna help Tatsuha out na no da! I want to!" he screamed like a child throwing a fit, glaring at me. I don't think I had ever seen him this angry with me before, and I never wanted to relive the experience. His eyes were thin and narrow, and he looked like one of the posters from my old room…he didn't look human anymore.
"Maybe we want to help you out, too, but you won't let us." Ryuichi opened his mouth to comment, before shutting it again. He just stood and glared at me, not saying a word. "Please don't do that, you really will make me mad at you."
"Well I'm mad at Tatsuha na no da," he offered coldly, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. However, he was starting to cave. It was evident. He didn't look quite so mean, and he slumped against the wall carelessly. "I don't want to go without Tatsuha," he finally whined again, moving to sit on the bed again, leaning his head against my shoulder.
"I don't want you to leave, either, but you're not going to be very happy staying here, are you?" Ryuichi shook his head quickly, reaching up to rest a hand on my shoulder. "How can you be happy if you can't sing?" I asked curiously, running my fingers through his hair. That was the whole reason he'd wanted to go to America in the first place, wasn't it?
"I can still sing. I can sing for Tatsuha, and for my friends, and whatever fans I can keep around me…"
"…But it won't be the same, right?" I finished for him, kissing his forehead. I wasn't so selfish as to hide him away from the rest of the world for my own selfish purposes; he should have known that I didn't want that for him. I didn't want him to sacrifice any more for me; he'd already done so much for me. He nodded slowly, pushing himself to sit upright, staring at me.
"Tatsuha…I need to go out by myself…please think about coming with me?" he requested, eyes begging more than his voice. I nodded and Ryuichi smiled slowly, leaning over for a kiss before standing up and heading for the door. "Really do think about it…if you want me to stay I will, if you want me to go, I will…whether you decide you want to come or not na no da."
"I will, I promise." With that Ryuichi shut the door behind him, and I heard the front door close not too long afterwards. It had been a while since Ryuichi had gone out for a walk by himself; it was frightening in a way. Right after you thought you understood him he went and did something like that. He didn't like being predictable, obviously.
With a sigh I reached over for my cell phone, eying it carefully. I really should be making this decision on my own (I was an adult now, after all), but I needed advice…as much as I hated to admit it. I dialed the number I was so used to calling, hoping someone would pick up. Mika had a habit of not picking up when she otherwise occupied, whether or not she heard her phone ringing.
"So you finally decided you wanted to call, huh?" At least she hadn't changed since I'd last seen her, still her snappy self, even under all the stress and exhaustion of taking care of Sakura. You'd figure she'd be too tired and snap at me like that. "There's a catch, isn't there?"
"Would I call otherwise?"
"Never have before, wouldn't expect it from you now. What's on your mind?" I hadn't thought to call Mika last night; it had been too late to bother her. I was surprised Shuichi hadn't told her all about it. Or Eiri, telling Tohma, telling Mika. Either way, I kind of expected her to already know what was going on.
"Ryuichi wants to go back to America," I blurted out when I realized she didn't understand what was going on between us at the moment. There was a silence for a while, broken only by Sakura's going-ons in the background
"Okay…what do you expect me to do about it?" she asked after a while, not sounding as much annoyed as confused. "I can't stop him from going to America any more than you can, you should know that."
"But that's the thing. I can stop him from going…but I don't know if I want to. He wants me to go to America with him, but…I just can't. I can't just decide for him…can I?" I asked, feeling a little bit more desperate as time went on. This wasn't getting any easier. The more time Ryuichi gave me, the more and more I started to doubt my decisions, until I was stuck right at the beginning again.
"Well, obviously that's what he wants from you."
"But I don't want to be the one to stop him from singing!" I whined. Mika obviously didn't understand…not like I'd expected her to anyway. She was good at giving advice whether she understood or not. "But…at the same time…"
"You don't want him leaving you behind?" I nodded, making a small affirmative noise and waiting to see if Mika could help me out. "You can't just quit school after all the work you've put into it though, can you?"
"I'd rather not."
"Well, I suggest you set your priorities straight first off. Decide what's most important to you. Having Ryuichi there with you, or having Ryuichi sing. School or being with Ryuichi in America. Being close to your family, or being close to Ryuichi. Really think about it, alright?" she pleaded, turning to say something to Sakura afterward.
"Alright, I will. Ryuichi's out right now anyway, so I have some time."
"If Ryuichi's willing to leave you behind then you've got quite a while. One second…" Mika stated suddenly, and I waited patiently to hear what else she had to say.
"Hi Ta!" I smiled to myself as Sakura's cheerful voice reached me from the other end of the phone. I really should call more often, now that I thought about it. "Mom say Ta on phone. Sakura wanted hi!"
"Hey," I managed cheerfully, and Sakura laughed in return, saying goodbye and blowing kisses before Mika was back on the phone, obviously a little bit more cheerful than she had been a few moment earlier.
"Feel a little better?" she asked cheerfully, and my smile widened a little bit.
"Of course."
"I figured that would cheer you up a little bit. She's been wanting to use the phone all day anyway." I laughed, wishing Mika would stop by with Sakura for a while. I hadn't seen her in a while now. Kind of sad when I thought about it. I was starting to become like Eiri, more and more detached from the rest of the family.
"Yeah, it worked. I should go and visit you guys some time…provided you can promise Tohma won't bite my head off."
"Why would he bite your head off? You haven't done anything wrong…have you? If you've misbehaved…"
"I've been a good little boy, I promise. Seriously, I'm almost 19; don't you think I can take care of myself?" They still insisted on giving me lectures, even thought I was starting to grow out of them. I was starting to understand why Eiri was always in such a bad mood whenever we tried to correct him.
"I know you can take care of yourself, but still." Mika would always be the protective older sister type, now wouldn't she? It was too much a part of her to change now…although her attentions should have been more on her own life than Eiri's and mine. "So, I think now would be a good time to hang up now, huh?"
"Yeah, probably. I'm sure you have other things to do." Mika laughed dryly from the other side of the phone.
"When do I not?"
"Point taken. I'll call you sometime soon, I promise, alright?"
"If you don't I'll kick your ass and you know it," Mika promised in return, and we both said our goodbyes quickly before hanging up. With another long sigh I got up, walking into the living room and sitting down on the couch instead, grabbing my books from the table and opening to where I'd left off.
It was hours later when Ryuichi finally came back, looking less energetic than he normally did. I don't think it was so much that he was tired as that he was worried over what my answer would be. I didn't offer it right away, but waited as he sat down next to me, taking the bottom of his shirt in his hands tightly.
"So…" he ventured after a while and I closed my book, setting it on the couch next to me. I took one of Ryuichi's hands in mine carefully, pulling it away from his shirt. This worked to focus his attention on me, blue eyes staring into mine, looking scared.
"I can't leave…not right now. I have school…and family here." Ryuichi looked hurt at that, but he didn't turn away from me. "I can't keep you holed up with me either, you're obviously miserable like this…" Ryuichi was in my arms even before I could finish talking, shaking. I held him gently, trying to think of what I could say to make him understand. "It's not like it's over, please don't think that. Please…"
"I'm not," he reassured me quietly, holding onto me tighter. "You'll come to America some day…right? And…you'll stay there with me?" he asked hopefully, but he wouldn't look up at me, didn't move at all.
"Yes…but I don't know when," I answered truthfully, and Ryuichi started crying quietly. I held him for a while, until finally he moved, arching up to kiss me deeply…again and again and again, even as his tears continued to fall.
"So long as I can see Tatsuha again, I'll be alright," he managed, wiping tears from his eyes, pushing my book to the ground and laying on the couch with me, closing his eyes. I don't think he realized that I saw the tickets shoved in his back pocket.
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…I'm out of hyper bouncy things to say, so I'll just skip over this part and go back to begging for reviews.
And in case anyone missed it and just skipped over here, I updated chapter 28, too. Another YukixShuichi moment.