Night #1: The three little pigs...
Enter, stage right...
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The three little seishi...
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Once upon a time, there lived a family of pigs—
Cast: *scowling* Do we *look* like PIGS to you…?!?!
Ah… my mistake… Let's start again…
Once upon a time, there lived a family of… um… there was a ma and… but her kids were… um… Argh…!! *confuzzled* Once upon a time, there lived an oracle and a bunch of seishi…
Taiitsukun: *smirking* Much better…
*groan* Anyway…!! Once upon a blah blah blah, there was the blah blih blah… Now one day, the mother pig—
Taiitsukun: *ahem* *glares*
—*cough* *cough* oracle decided that her seishi were old enough to look after themselves and find the destined miko… So, the mother pig—
Taiitsukun: *growl* *eerie glow surrounds her*
—*gulp* ORACLE packed 3 baskets of—
Miaka: *sparkly eyes* *FOOD*!! *pounces on baskets*
(Argh, nononononononono…!! Miaka, you're not supposed to be out until I start 'Aubilocks and the three seishi…!!)(*sees food is all gone*)(*Miaka burps*)(*sweatdrop*)
Fine. When life gives you lemons, you write yaoi-mush for—matte, matte, you're not supposed to know that…!! *backspace* *backspace* *backspace*
O-kay…!! SO, the mother pig—
Taiitsukun: *prepares lightning bolt*
Eep…!! Nyan-nyan shield, now…!! *nyan-nyans pop out of nowhere to shield authoress from omnipotent powers…* I take it back—ORACLE, alright…?
Taiitsukun: *floating behind authoress* One more mistake and you'll be babysitting nyan-nyans for life, understood…?
*whimper* *nods*
SO, the *reads cue cards* ORACLE packed 3 baskets of… stuff… and called for her three seishi—
Taiitsukun: *hollering* If the three of you seishi don't haul your Suzaku-feathered hides before me, RIGHT NOW, I'll make sure the powers-that-be'll give MIBOSHI as your miko…!!
—*finishing sentence* ever so sweetly… *stares upwards* *sweatdrop*
So her three faithful seishi scrambled over themselves towards their mothe—ORACLE… for fear of being cursed with ugly Destiny… Especially the two elder seishi—
Hotohori: *shielding himself with his hand* *shudder* Dear Suzaku, for what sin have I committed to be the seishi of such a ghastly guide…?
Tamahome: SUNAKAKE BABA – I lost count of my okane *again*…!! Now I have to start all over again…!! *grr* Ichi… ni… san…
—for the eldest seishi had been pining for the miko for years, and the 2nd seishi was destined to fall in love aforementioned miko…
Taiitsukun: *bursting into flames* SUCH UNGRATEFUL SEISHI—
Hotohori & Tamahome: *holding each other* Na, kowai desu ne…
Taiitsukun: For such INSOLENCE, you don't DESERVE my final gift—
Tamahome: Ch… the last time you *bestowed* a gift on me, I freaked Miaka out…
Hotohori: *smirk* You're just jealous, Tamahome…
Tamahome: *glare* Teme~~~
Taiitsukun: URUSAI…!! If you can't behave like decent seishi, then OUT!!
And without further ado, the mothe—ORACLE kicked them into the stratosphere and out of Taikyoku-zan…
Landing somewhere-at-the-left-of-the-middle-of-nowhere, three seishi hit the ground with a painful *thud*—
*THUD* *THUD* *plop*
Chiriko: *smiling and patting nyan-nyans that have broken his fall* Why, thank you, kind nyan-nyans…
Nyan-nyans: We help! We help!! We help, we heal, we fix…!!
Tamahome: *while getting 'helped' by fellow nyan-nyans* *vein pop* What the—OI! Why do *we* have to bruise during our fall and you get to—
Taiitsukun: *pops out of nowhere* *head grows thrice the size of her body* BECAUSE I SAID SO, D*MMIT!! HE DESERVES MUCH MORE THAN THE TWO OF YOU COMBINED…!!
Tamahome-mush-on-the-ground: *quivers* Kowai…
Taiitsukun: Anyway, I thought I should grant you all at least *one* final wish as my seishi… Chiriko gets two… *Tamahome & Hotohori are about to protest* NO QUESTIONS ASKED, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!?!
Tamahome & Hotohori: *whimper* Y-yes…
Taiitsukun: Good. Now be off… *pops out of existence*
Nyan-nyans: Good luck! Good luck!! Ja! Ja!! Ja~~~*pop*
Seishi: *sweatdrop*
*sigh* And so, the three seishi decided to journey different paths in search for the most perfect spot to built a shelter while waiting for their miko. (Actually, they split up because they didn't want the others to steal their ideas of how to win their miko's heart, but that's another story…)
Tamahome: *rubbing hands* Hehe… with Taiitsukun's wish, I'll build a house that'll melt any girl's heart, not only Miaka's… *commanding pose* By the power of Suzaku, with the gift from Taiitsukun, I wish for a house made out of… OKANE!!
*ka-ching*
Tamahome: $___$ So much okane~~~ *gleefully starts at one wall* Ichi… ni… san…
Meanwhile, far far away from our money-obsessed seishi, there was a big bad wolf—
Tasuki: Oi, onna…! I may be able to call forth okami from my blessed paper wards, my name maybe changed to Genrou, but I am no d*mned WOLF!!
*narrows eyes* Oh…? Would you rather I say *suggestively* kitsune then…?
Tasuki: *___* Chichiri…
One more word out of you, and you'll never be united with Chichiri-sama in 'Phantom of the Temple', na no da…
Tasuki: *bows at authoress' feet* Hai~~~
*ahem* Alright, now, where was I…? Ah yes… There was a big bad *feels generous* bandit, who was wandering the land, looking for his miko… By some twisted decided coincidence, he came upon Tamahome's okane-shrine…
Tasuki: $___$ Gah… if I call the Reikaku boys over to raid this place, we'll be able to retire early and—
Tamahome's voice: *abacus in hand* … and the southern wall had 12,394,908,980 coins… and the western wall had—
Tasuki: *blink* Eh…? Obake-chan…?! *bangs on door* Oi, obake-chan, obake-chan, will you let me in …?
Tamahome: *panics* *grabs abacus* *glares at door* Not by the 49,579,635,920 hairs on my chinny chin chi—*blink* what in Konan am I saying…?!?!
*authoress grins* Call it 'Authoress-sama taking advantage of her creative license'…
Anyhow, upon hearing this, the bandit scowled, because he doesn't take rejection very well… You see, our beloved fang-boy may be all muscle and guts, but he really is a softie inside…
Tasuki: *sniffle* No one understands me…
So he decided to take things to certain extremes…
Tasuki: *growl* Fine! I'll swing, and I'll swipe, and I'll REKKA SHIEN your house down…!!
And so, Tamahome's golden shrine melted into a wide metallic puddle…
Tamahome: *wailing* My beautiful okane~~~
Then again, when in doubt, take the easy way out…
Tamahome: I know…! I'll go over to Hotohori to see if I can borrow (and never return) enough okane to start again…!!
Over on-the-right-of-the-left-of-the-middle-of-nowhere, Hotohori was roused from his Daily Vanity Hour by an urgent pounding at his door.
Hotohori: *annoyed* Now what…? *storms over to the door* Look, I've told you a thousand times, Nuriko, I am *not* interested in any girl-scout cookie—Oh, it's you, Tamahome… What are you doing to my door…?
Tamahome: *scraping gold off the door frame* Who? Me…? *sweatdrop* Hehe… nan demo nai, na… I just came to borrow a cup of sugar…
Hotohori: *narrows eyes* Has Miaka come by so soon…?
Tamahome: Well… no… *ahem* *ahem* but I hoping to make her a cake… to lure *cough* *cough* I mean, make her come by sooner… We *are* her seishi, ne…?
Hotohori: Well… I don't have any sugar… *about to close the door* If there's nothing else—
Tamahome: *pounce* There is, there is…!! Um… can I… err… borrow 50,000,000,000 pieces of gold from you…?
Hotohori: You want *WHAT*?!?!?
Oi, Tamahome, you're supposed to come here for a reason, *other* than borrowing money…
Tamahome: Oh yeah… by the way, the big bad bandit's on his way here…
Hotohori: *ignoring him while staring at his hand-mirror* Uh-huh…
Tamahome: It's actually Tasuki, so I thought we should welcome him with some sake…
Hotohori: Hmm? Alright, that sounds reasonable enough…
Tamahome: And order some food while we're at it…?
Hotohori: Whatever you think would suit the occasion…
Tamahome: *sly grin* And prepare, say, 50,000,000,000 pieces of gold for your brother's dowry…?
Hotohori: Not a problem… not a problem…
Tamahome: Can I come in…?
Hotohori: *completely engrossed in his reflection* Sure…
Tamahome: *stepping into the 'house'* Ye gods…!! Must the whole *palace* have end-to-end mirrors…?!?!
*sweatdrop*
Anyway, after teaching Kouji and his band of ruffians how to forge the melted gold into a statue of Suzaku, Miaka, and finally Chichiri (all encrusted with precious stones, no da…), Tasuki finally found Hotohori's… fortress…
Tasuki: *blinking against the gleaming brightness* *sweatdrop* Ya know… Hori might've been an emperor and all, but this takes the cake…
Miaka: *pops out of nowhere* *sparkly eyed* Cake? WHERE?!?!
(MIAKA!!)
Miaka: Oops… wrong story, ne…? Ah, gomen gomen… *pop*
Anyway…
Tasuki: Oi, kotei heika, obake-chan, will you let me in …?
Tamahome & Hotohori: *freezes* Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chin…!!
Hotohori: *gasp* I have hairs on my chin…?!?! *summons* ROYAL MIRROR BEARER, TO ME, NOW!!
Dear, dear Tasuki is on the verge of bawling, but that wouldn't be manly… So he unsheathes his tessen—
Tasuki: In that case, I'll swing, and I'll swipe, and I'll REKKA SHIEN your house down…!!
And thus, the whole palace erupted into flames… but since mirrors don't melt very well, they converged and expanded and—
Hotohori: *staring at reflection in distorted mirror* Aaah!! The horror…!! The HORROR~~~!!
Nuriko's voice: Shinpai nai, heika-sama…!! Yappari aishiteru na~~~
For fear of being glomped by the infamous cross-dresser girl-scout, Hotohori ran for the hills…!!
And as for Tamahome…
Tamahome: *sniffle* My second mountain of okane~~~!!! *pout* *lightbulb* Hey – Chiriko has 2 wishes… Maybe I can con him into using the 2nd wish for my *cough* *cough* I mean, Miaka's benefit…!!
And he followed after Hotohori soon after…
Tasuki: Oi, stop running away, obake-cha—is that SAKE buried under there…?!?!
While our much-loved bandit drank himself into a drunken stupor, we find our two heroes wailing in the home of the youngest seishi…
Hotohori: *wailing* It was horrible…!! My reflection was flawed, the edges blurred, the colors so wrong…
Tamahome: *wailing* I lost 2 lots of money…!! My beautiful okane…!! My preciousss, my own… Preciousss…
*sweatdrop*
Chiriko would've sweatdropped too, but that would ruin his concentration while he was studying… So instead, he comforted the best he could…
Chiriko: *calling* Mitsukake, could you fetch our guest some tea while they calm down…?
*insane authoress laughs evilly in the background*
The youngest seishi's 6-foot-tall French-dressed maid hulked into the library, a tray in his hands.
Mitsukake: *whispering* Note to self: Slip laxatives into author-sama's tea this evening before her sleepover… *ahem* Your tea, sirs…
Seishi: Much obliged…
On the other side of the house, one drunken bandit had had enough of sake, and so came sauntering over in search of another seishi—
Tasuki: *slurred* Ma-i-a-ga-re! Su-za-kuuuu~~~ *hic* *sees Chiriko's humble home* Ooh, an inn…!! Mebbe Chiri's stayin' here *hic* tonight… *bangs on door* Oi, let me *hic* in…!!
Hotohori & Tamahome: Aaah!! It's *him*… It's *HIM*…!!
Hotohori: —the one that melted my mirrors—
Tamahome: —the one that melted my okane—
Chiriko: *peers past window* Oh… It's Tasuki… *ahem* *reads script (reedited)* Unfortunately, dear bandit mine, I refuse your admission into my humble abode, not even for the sake of the follicles on my mastoid, which unfortunately is absent due to my lack of manhood years…
Seishi: *blink* Eh…?
Chiriko: *sigh* *bored tone* *reads script (original)* Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chin…
Tasuki: *blink* Oh…
*everyone waits*
Tasuki: *blink* OH!! *gears up* Why you…!! Chiriko, I thought we were buddies~~~ I'll swing, and I'll swipe, and I'll REKKA SHIEN your house down…!!
Chiriko: *wide eyes* No…!! My books…!! Quick, I need to save them… Judging by the wind factor and the speed of conductance and—How? How?? How?!?! *symbol shines brightly* That's it…!! *bows head and uses 2nd wish from Taiitsukun*
To everyone's surprise, the divine fire sped towards the house—
—to be deflected by a protective dome of purest…
… pink…
(Suzaku: Pink…? *PINK*?! The god of love's official color is read and you make it PINK?!?! *faints*)
Tasuki: *eyes bulge out* Nani…?!?!
But Tasuki's a Suzaku shichiseishi, and Suzaku shichiseishis don't give up easily (Seiryuu shichiseishi: What's *that* supposed to mean…?!?!)(shh… If you'll all be good, I promise Nakago'll be a god, Soi'll get Nakkie-poo, and Tomo'll get yaoi-ed, deal…?)(Seiryuu shichiseishi: Harrumph…).
And back to the story… So Tasuki raised his tessen once more and prepared to deliver another blast of divine flame…
Tasuki: REKKA SHIEN~~~!!
And again…
Tasuki: REKKA SHIEN~~~!!
And… again…
Tasuki: REKKA SHIEN~~~!!
And… -.- zzz
Voice: Daa… Atsui na no da…
Tasuki: REKKA SHI—*sparkly eyes* CHICHIRI…!!
Abandoning his quest of Rekka Shiening the house down, one tsubasa-bestowed seishi barreled through the barrier and landed—
*crash* *THUD*
Voice: Itai, no da~~~
Tasuki: Chichiri…!! It's so good to see you—
The big bad bandit then dragged the kawaii monk with poofy bangs, no da © to the nearest room to—*ahem* (authoress believes readers have ample imagination to conclude the fates of these two seishi…)
And as for the other three seishi… Well… the young Master Chiriko decided to keep his brothers as his servants, because they had led the big bad bandit to his home, and he had been forced to use his wish unexpectedly (Chiriko: *waterfall tears* The complete Tolkien collection… Gone…!! Now *how* am I going to get my hands on those books from Miaka's world…?!?!). Thus, that's how Tamahome ended up balancing Chiriko's accounts (Tamahome: All that money, and it's not mine~~~), Hotohori ended up cleaning windows (Hotohori: Alas, reflections in glass in never the same with mirrors), and later ended up in Nuriko's arms (Nuriko: *sparkly eyed* Ah, window-cleaner-sama…!! You look just like Hotohori – sugoi na~~~), and Mitsukake is still his butler-slash-French-maid-slash-main-Tama-neko-guardian (Mitsukake: *points at basket* Tama, *this* is your basket… *points to newspapers* *THAT* is your litter box… Would you *stop* getting them mixed up?!?!). So, all in all, they lived happily ever after…
The end…
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Aoi Akiko rambles:
Yay! Finis prosa uno...!! Um... review per'favore...?