CHAPTER NINE - Painful Memories
An hour later and a much calmer Jeff and Chloe were sat on the sofa, talking continuously but consciously skirting around the edges of current and past events. Eventually all other topics were drained and they knew what was coming next. They were silent.
"I have to ask." Jeff's voice was soft.
"I know."
"Do you know?"
"She wouldn't tell me. I begged but she wouldn't tell me where she was going."
"What did she tell you?"
"That you would know. You wouldn't know you knew, but you'd know."
Jeff let his head fall back onto the top of the sofa, his eyes shut. "I don't know."
"You must know, somewhere inside, somewhere in the part of you that still lives in the past, you know.
That night Jeff sat in the dark on his own, next to him was a bottle of Jack Daniels. It was half empty already; a vain attempt to block out the pain. He lifted his hand to his face, wiping the tears away. In his mind he tried to continue delving into his thoughts. Thoughts he had learnt to block from his everyday. Thoughts of past pains and lost lives. He took a deep breath and directed his mind to that fateful day.
Jeff awoke on the beach. It wasn't the first time he had done so recently. Rolling slightly he turned to look at the girl lying next to him. She looked so calm and innocent as she slept, but Jeff knew she was anything but. He thought back to the night, he love they had shared together, how romantic had been, expressing their forbidden love on a beach as the sun had set. It was like Romeo and Juliet, except he wasn't forbidden to her as she was to him. Neither of them had a big family. He had just his father and brother, she, just two sisters; neither of whom had enough control or power over her to forbid her affections for Jeff. He wondered if she found it as romantic as he did. As he though of his family, especially his brother he worried a little. He wondered how his brother's night had been. He had enough sense of what Matt was doing to know that it wouldn't have been pleasant like his own.
The girl lying next to Jeff stirred a little as Jeff rolled onto his back, looking up to the sky. The girl awoke fully and looked at Jeff. He loved to look at her as she woke up. She looked open and serene before her defences went up. He remain looking at her, relishing in the moment, wanting desperately for her to talk, but knowing that if he started the conversation then it would be lost. He tried to remain patient, hoping that she would open up to him, for a little while, as she had done before.
"There's an island out there." She said gazing into the sea. "Its there at exactly the distance that you can't see yet. But all you have to do I wander into the sea and you can begin to see it."
"You wanna go there?" Jeff asked gently.
"One day. One day my baby I'll take you there." Jeff tried not to scowl as she called him her baby. He hated that she referred to him as her baby. He knew that at fifteen he was two years her junior, sometimes it felt like more. When she was in her hard business mood it felt like more, but at times like this, when they were alone together it felt insignificant. Jeff felt strong; he felt he could look after her.
Jeff grabbed the bottle next to him and drank deeply. The liquid burned his throat a little, but didn't dull his senses as he wanted. He wanted his brain to turn off. He wanted to stop it following the train of thought that would lead him on from that morning. He didn't want to think of that afternoon. The pain it caused him then. The pain it caused him now. The pain it had caused him at all points in his life since then. The injuries he had suffered when he went that bit too far, too extreme in an effort to punish himself. Matt always said that the injuries were self inflicted, but Jeff knew it wasn't himself that was to blame. It was her. She had hurt him, then, she had used him, abused him, and taught him self-hatred. He had told his fans that their bodies were the one thing they could control; they were to be used while they could be. It was what he wanted to believe his body could have been. But is body wasn't like that anymore, it was no longer his tool. It had been used by someone else and was dirty; it had sinned and couldn't be clean. He marked it because he could, tried to make it his own, but nothing worked. He had outgrown the need to abuse his body, and the loss of his sight had helped him. In never seeing his body again he felt no regret nor pain. He drank again, the doorbell rang, but he didn't move. Someone knocked yet still he sat drinking. The handle turned and he lowered the bottle, empty.
"Oh Jeff, you should've phoned. You should've answered your calls." Chloe walked over and held Jeff as he cried. "Oh baby, what were you thinking?"
"That day, the worst day of my life" Jeff slurred a little. Chloe remained silent knowing that he needed to talk about it. To say it out loud. "I loved her so much, she turned me into a murderer and I loved her." Chloe rocked Jeff.
"You have to forgive yourself."
"I killed them. I killed them." Jeff shouted at first but quickly died down to a whisper.
"She had to die. She was going to turn you all in."
"How can you say that? She was your sister."
"She was a heartless bitch."
"It was for her daughter. She was going to do it for her daughter."
"What? Send her boyfriend to prison; make her daughter the daughter of a convict?"
"Well what did we do? We killed them both. I killed them both."
"You didn't know Ava was there. She wasn't supposed to be there."
"I didn't check. I just burnt it down. I killed my niece, I wrecked my brother's life and I still don't even dare tell him it was me."
"He knows and he forgives you." They jumped as the speaker entered the room.
An hour later and a much calmer Jeff and Chloe were sat on the sofa, talking continuously but consciously skirting around the edges of current and past events. Eventually all other topics were drained and they knew what was coming next. They were silent.
"I have to ask." Jeff's voice was soft.
"I know."
"Do you know?"
"She wouldn't tell me. I begged but she wouldn't tell me where she was going."
"What did she tell you?"
"That you would know. You wouldn't know you knew, but you'd know."
Jeff let his head fall back onto the top of the sofa, his eyes shut. "I don't know."
"You must know, somewhere inside, somewhere in the part of you that still lives in the past, you know.
That night Jeff sat in the dark on his own, next to him was a bottle of Jack Daniels. It was half empty already; a vain attempt to block out the pain. He lifted his hand to his face, wiping the tears away. In his mind he tried to continue delving into his thoughts. Thoughts he had learnt to block from his everyday. Thoughts of past pains and lost lives. He took a deep breath and directed his mind to that fateful day.
Jeff awoke on the beach. It wasn't the first time he had done so recently. Rolling slightly he turned to look at the girl lying next to him. She looked so calm and innocent as she slept, but Jeff knew she was anything but. He thought back to the night, he love they had shared together, how romantic had been, expressing their forbidden love on a beach as the sun had set. It was like Romeo and Juliet, except he wasn't forbidden to her as she was to him. Neither of them had a big family. He had just his father and brother, she, just two sisters; neither of whom had enough control or power over her to forbid her affections for Jeff. He wondered if she found it as romantic as he did. As he though of his family, especially his brother he worried a little. He wondered how his brother's night had been. He had enough sense of what Matt was doing to know that it wouldn't have been pleasant like his own.
The girl lying next to Jeff stirred a little as Jeff rolled onto his back, looking up to the sky. The girl awoke fully and looked at Jeff. He loved to look at her as she woke up. She looked open and serene before her defences went up. He remain looking at her, relishing in the moment, wanting desperately for her to talk, but knowing that if he started the conversation then it would be lost. He tried to remain patient, hoping that she would open up to him, for a little while, as she had done before.
"There's an island out there." She said gazing into the sea. "Its there at exactly the distance that you can't see yet. But all you have to do I wander into the sea and you can begin to see it."
"You wanna go there?" Jeff asked gently.
"One day. One day my baby I'll take you there." Jeff tried not to scowl as she called him her baby. He hated that she referred to him as her baby. He knew that at fifteen he was two years her junior, sometimes it felt like more. When she was in her hard business mood it felt like more, but at times like this, when they were alone together it felt insignificant. Jeff felt strong; he felt he could look after her.
Jeff grabbed the bottle next to him and drank deeply. The liquid burned his throat a little, but didn't dull his senses as he wanted. He wanted his brain to turn off. He wanted to stop it following the train of thought that would lead him on from that morning. He didn't want to think of that afternoon. The pain it caused him then. The pain it caused him now. The pain it had caused him at all points in his life since then. The injuries he had suffered when he went that bit too far, too extreme in an effort to punish himself. Matt always said that the injuries were self inflicted, but Jeff knew it wasn't himself that was to blame. It was her. She had hurt him, then, she had used him, abused him, and taught him self-hatred. He had told his fans that their bodies were the one thing they could control; they were to be used while they could be. It was what he wanted to believe his body could have been. But is body wasn't like that anymore, it was no longer his tool. It had been used by someone else and was dirty; it had sinned and couldn't be clean. He marked it because he could, tried to make it his own, but nothing worked. He had outgrown the need to abuse his body, and the loss of his sight had helped him. In never seeing his body again he felt no regret nor pain. He drank again, the doorbell rang, but he didn't move. Someone knocked yet still he sat drinking. The handle turned and he lowered the bottle, empty.
"Oh Jeff, you should've phoned. You should've answered your calls." Chloe walked over and held Jeff as he cried. "Oh baby, what were you thinking?"
"That day, the worst day of my life" Jeff slurred a little. Chloe remained silent knowing that he needed to talk about it. To say it out loud. "I loved her so much, she turned me into a murderer and I loved her." Chloe rocked Jeff.
"You have to forgive yourself."
"I killed them. I killed them." Jeff shouted at first but quickly died down to a whisper.
"She had to die. She was going to turn you all in."
"How can you say that? She was your sister."
"She was a heartless bitch."
"It was for her daughter. She was going to do it for her daughter."
"What? Send her boyfriend to prison; make her daughter the daughter of a convict?"
"Well what did we do? We killed them both. I killed them both."
"You didn't know Ava was there. She wasn't supposed to be there."
"I didn't check. I just burnt it down. I killed my niece, I wrecked my brother's life and I still don't even dare tell him it was me."
"He knows and he forgives you." They jumped as the speaker entered the room.