MEANWHILE, DOWN IN THE MORGUE........
The lights were very dim when Dr. Dorset awakened. Where was he? The last thing he
remembered was some little grren creatures all over the place, and a very mutilated body....
but he had been in the ER at the time. What had happened while he was out?
He was distracted from his thoughts, when he heard the hummed song of a wedding
march. Frowning, he looked over where the noise was coming from, and stared in shock.
Maxine Gremlin was dressed in an elegant white wedding gown, and she was carrying a
bouquet of roses, and her face held a bright smile as she grew nearer......
In the hall outside of the morgue, a loud horrified scream was heard, and we fade to black....
THE VERY REAL END.....and now we present the updated Moments list....We've removed
a few that were on the original list posted in Youth Elixir 1, but we just couldn't cut them all.....
**There are a few that we haven't had time to re read through as of yet, but keep a lookout
the next breaktime spoof, as I'm sure we'll have new ones!!! And if any of you know of any
quotes from any of the spoofs, PLEASE Email us and let us know. We do this in spare time,
and sometimes we miss a few.**
************************************************************************
MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS....RANDOM CHOICE PHRASES FROM SPOOFS (By Sven & Cassi)
**************************************************************************
This is not a spoof, and not really a list.....It's just a wonderous collection of moments we all
cherish from the spoofs we all love. I've collected together this bunch of phrases said by
characters thoughout all of our spoofs....including the ones you have seen....and the few that
you haven't. This includes the spoofs that are posted...and the spoofs we have YET to post.
Which would be the first two, with the Cats and the newest ones that are not yet typed. So in a
way, some of the phrases are a small preview of the spoofs you have not yet seen. Enjoy, and
also....We have not fully looked through some of the older spoofs, so there may still be more
phrases that should be in here. So, you our fans, and friends, if you have any choice phrases
that you loved in the spoofs that are not here. PLEASE tell us by review or Email, and we will
gladly include them! So for now...sit back and cherish the memories!!!^_^
************************************************************************
PRESEASON
**************
#1: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA*** (STATUS-Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOMBA: (to Sven)Are you done thinking yet?
JEMIMA: Your face, Etcetera, it's white. It frightens me. It frightens Tugger, too.
CASSI: (about Misto) I think she should have pulled his face off.
SVEN: I think you read too much John Saul.
#2: THE PRINCESS BRIDE....THE SPOOF ***(Status, Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISTOFFOLEES: Hey! Stop talking so I can speak!
MACAVITY: She got you there, Pouncini....you WEANIE!!!!
MISTOFFOLEES: I swear on the soul of my....HEY! I don't even know who my father WAS!
MUNGOJERRIE: AHH!!!!I'S BOB!!!!QUICK, TEAZAH, 'IODE(hide) ME!!!! 'E'S GONNE EA' ME!
SVEN: Nobody's eating anyone. Back to the script.
SEASON ONE
*****************
#3: STAR WARS: THE NEW SPOOF ***(Status-complete- Online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCOTT: There's a droid on the scanner! It might be our little R2 unit! Hit the accelerator!
LUKE SKYWALKER: Did I really sound that stupid back then?
WARREN WORTHINGTON: (to Scott) Will you be quiet? You've got a mouth bigger than a
meteor crater, and that ISN'T a joke!
WOLVIE: I'm not cute, I'm a bizerker!
CASSI: Aww, how cute.
GAMBIT: We're doomed! Remi tink he sound like a moron.
JUBILEE: No arguments here--oops, --I mean beep boop beep.
CAPTAIN: (about the life-pod that has Jubilee and Gambit on it) Hold your fire, there's no intelligent
life on board.
GAMBIT&JUBILEE: HEY!!!
WARREN: I signed aboard the Rand Ecliptic last week. First mate Warren Worthington at your
service. I'm just here to gloat to all you land-locked simpletons, so you don't find out I'm really a rebel.
SCOTT: (about the ship) What a piece of junk!!! Are you sure this flies!?
HAN: (glares) That's the REAL Millenium Falcon.
CASSI: If that was 'Basic', I'd hate to hear 'Complicated'.
SPIKE: (enters) I just saw the bloody weirdest thing.
JEAN: Was it a bunch of aliens in a kick-line with some weirdo, wearing a bucket on his head?
SPIKE: Uhhhh, no.
LOGAN: Look at the Peanut Gallery!
SCOTT: I'm trying not to. It's a hideous sight.
#4: LABYRINTH, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISTOFFELEES: I ask for so little...just let me rule you.
XANDER: (as a Munchkin) Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
RUMPELTEAZER: I 'ave to go to the castle to save me creepy brother.
SVEN: (to Spike) Here boy! Good, Spike! Have a biscuit!
SPIKE: I am not in love with the Slayer!
CASSI: And he's in denial.
SPIKE: I am not!
SVEN: He denys that he's in denial.
RUFIO: Denial is de longest river in de world.
SPIKE: What is the dwarf's name?
JARETH: Hedgewart.
SVEN: Hogwart.
DIDYMUS: Sir Hoggle.
SPIKE: I see, why don't we just call him, "Hey you"?
POUNCE: (about Teazer) Yeah, she wants to take her head off and be like us!!!
SPIKE: Sure, high and headless, start a trend!
CASSI: I don't remember Sarah saying she loved junkyards, either, nor do I remember her referring to
Toby as "creepy and blue"....Just go with it.
JARETH: I don't remember Toby BEING creepy and blue.
#5: STAR WARS: THE SPOOF STRIKES BACK **(Status-Complete-online by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: You might be a Metalneck if your skeleton is more durable than your car.
SVEN: (to Buffy) Continue, and I don't CARE if you sound like a moron!
WARREN: Your ugly kangaroo-goat will die before you reach the first marker.
XANDER: (about Luke) Man, that was close. I was afraid he was gonna do a "Carrie" and kill
us all.
CORSAIR: How come all the unnamed stormtroopers have fangs?
LOGAN: (about the cheeseburger droid) Afraid there's not much left, and what WAS left, Sabre
decided to have for lunch.
BUFFY: What was it?
LOGAN: A cheeseburger of some kind. I couldn't tell what was on it.
BUFFY: An Imperial cheeseburger droid!
WAGNER: NO!
ALONZO: We'd better start an evacuation.
CASSI: All that over a cheeseburger?
TOAD: I think we've got something. Our cheeseburger droid in the Hoth system sent it.
XANDER: French fries and a drink?
CASSI: And an apple turnover!
CORSAIR: (ignores them) You found something?
XANDER: Yeah, a fast food restraunt.
SCOTT: (about Luke on Dagabah) Let me guess....the dog's pet Jedi.
CASSI: (about Mulder and Scully looking for aliens) Can you believe that? Aliens here! I mean
we're doing STAR WARS! How could they possibly think we'd have aliens here?
SVEN: Not a clue, they're obviously out of their minds, right Chewie?
SPIKE: (about Scott being swayed to the darkside) Not bloody likely. He's too much of a poofter,
besides, he's smarter than Luke.
XANDER: Great. They need me because the Empire is made up of cats and vampires.
#6: DOT: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPIKE: (to Dot--slurred) Wha's yer name?
DOT: Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Bananafana Bo Besca, the THIRD! Or you
can call me Dot, but if you call me Dottie, I'll have to hurt you.
CASSI: I am a spectator. I have a right to throw up.
DOT: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador...like I'm ever going to Spain, anyway.
DOT: I am the Slayer. I have the ablility to make anvils fall from the ceiling.
MURDOC: I'll get you, Dot, and your little dog, too.
XANDER: (to Dot and the cats) Would you guys shut up?
DOT: (turns around) It could happen.
SPIKE: That you'd shut up? Not bloody likely.
CORDELIA: How about the Ozone Layer?
DOT: That's right, we gotta get rid of that.
DOT: I have to see this weird cat about a job.
MACAVITY: Oh, I play my part.
DOT: You can play with your part all you want---EWWW!!! Just don't do it here, there are
children present!
DOT: You made a funny! Are you alright? Do you want to lie down? I know it hurts the first time.
DOT: Is that your car?
SPIKE: No, it belonged to the vampires. I was just walking around outside, in the middle of the night,
all alone.
#7: STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online, By Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MURDOC: I am NOT insane! I'm just very very determined.
GAMBIT: We seem to have lost the pursuer, Master Scott. I believe it smashed into that
walkway we flew under....or it crashed into the building we flew through.
SPIKE: They keep thinking no one could be as stupid as we are. It fools them every time.
SPIKE: Great. I'm being threatened by a cheerleader....I'm really scared.
BUFFY: Isn't it great to see grown men act like children?
CASSI: (about Lando's cooking) I thought we were going to something less disgusting.
SCOTT: (about the stew) Giju stew? It looks like boot plastic and fertilizer drenched in pond scum..
and it smells like it too.
POUNCE: Food!!! (swallows the whole bowl of Lando's stew, then spits it out) YUCK!!! This is
disgusting!!!
SPIKE: This is Riley, theif, card cheat, smuggler, jerk, idiot, bad actor, boring, did I mention stupid--
Oh yeah, he's an okay pilot, but I'm sure you all knew that already.
RILEY: Maybe you wouldn't want to, Wagner. but I eat thunderstorms for breakfast.
CASSI: Wouldn't the lightning bother his stomach?
CASSI: (to Xander) How the heck do you lose an eight hundred pound block of carbonite?
XANDER: It was an accident, I swear!
SVEN: Yeah, tell her Scott, the galaxy's biggest idiot, flash-flamed himself into a black crisp because
he couldn't follow an elementry circuit diagram.
SVEN: I speak gibberish, therefore I can read it, now keep going.
RILEY: I'm back!
SPIKE: Oh, I'm really scared.
BUFFY: I second that.
#8: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY ***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Just add water! Instant Han!
SPIKE: Just like dehydrated soup.
SPIKE: Great, now we're being eaten by a KEWPIE DOLL!
BUFFY: I have plenty of respect for the dead....as long as they don't jump up and attack me.
BUFFY: You're wondering what's a place like me doing in a girl like this?
CASSI: (about how violent the spoof is) Nothing major. A few killings, people getting eaten by
Labyrinth fairies.....you get the point.
ARDETH: Eaten by WHAT!?
JARETH: Fairies.
CASSI: Sven and I thought scarabs were too common, so we made it interesting.
XANDER: (to Buffy) I lie to everybody. What makes you so special?
BUFFY: I am your sister.
XANDER: Yes, well that just makes you more gullible.
SVEN: (about Angelus) Hear that, everybody? Someone read the SCRIPT!
ALL: HURRAAAAAY!!!!
ANGELUS: (about plane) No wait, it's a BIRD, no it IS a plane. No, it's....Spike, and three idiots.
#9: STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: We took the liberty of filling the pit with Maneating Claw Lizards from the Lost Star...
aka--Velociraptors.
SPIKE: So much for long drawn out death. They'll be sushi in thirty seconds!
SPIKE: (about Logan) Put him back in carbonite. He's past his expiration date.
DR CARTER: (about the raptors) That explains the ripped up trainer I just sewed up. Don't
worry, he'll only lose one of his arms.
DIDYMUS: (as Yoda) Die, I shall not! Fight thee to the death, I shall!
CHRIS: Okay, Spikedroid, your line.
SPIKE: If I could glare, I would.
SPIKE: (grumbles) His Bloatedness, the Smelly Mojo the Hutt, has decreed that you are to
be terminated immediately.
LOGAN: Good, I hate long waits.
SPIKE: 'EY RAPTOR MEAT!!! His Bloatedness hopes that you die horribly, but should any
of you wish to beg for mercy, you will not be heard, so feel free to yell all you want!
SCOTT: (to Buffy) Yes, Madam Pain in the Butt, we are going to a slimey mudhole. Maybe
you'll fall in like Jubes did.
#10: ROBIN HOOD: SPIKE (AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS) IN TIGHTS**(Status-Complete-
online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MACAVITY: Spike of Loxley, where is your King?
SPIKE: Which King would that be? King Louis, King Richard....King Kong?
SPIKE: (to Billy) Watch my back!
BILLY: (to Spike) Your back just got punched...twice!
SARAH: Look Jenny! A happy little bluebird!
POUNCE: BOINGY!!!! (bounces in and eats the bird)
PRINCE JOHN: So much for the happy little bluebird.
GILES: (to Willow) What can you tell me about Spike of Loxley?
WILLOW: He's a real pain in the butt.
XANDER: Tell us something we DON'T know.
ANGEL: KING ILLEGAL FOREST TO PIG WILD KILL IN IT A IS?!
SPIKE& SARAH: What?!
GILES: Save me save me! Hurt them hurt them!
ANGEL: Yes, I've got it. Save them save them, hurt you hurt you.
SPIKE: My darling, I'm ready for that kiss now....ugh, listen to me. I'm making myself sick.
LUKE SKYWALKER: Hmmm, let me think. Getting a spanking from a snowman, or wearing a
dress. Tough choice.
BILLY COLTON: Man, I never should have worn these shoes. They just don't match my purse.
#11: THE THREE MUSKETEERS, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete- online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PORTHOS: Does anyone on this set know how to use one of those? (a sword)
CASSI: Yeah, the pointy end goes into the other guy.
LOGAN: My father was a Musketeer. The King's personal bodyguard.
CHRIS MASON: Well at least he has something nice to tell his shrink. I had to say mine
was a psycho.
MURDOC: (about the flag) Burn it. I still have a flamethrower.
CASSI: Rochefort of the 21st century. Comes fully loaded with all the extras.
SVEN: Batteries included.
LANGLY: I gotta say this spoofacting thing really SUCKS!
MURDOC: (to MacGyver) Angus.....isn't that a breed of cattle?
PORTHOS: (about Xander) Before today, did he even know where France was?
CHRIS MASON: We've all seen France on the map.
WAKKO: It's purple.
CASSI, MURDOC, CHRIS & PHYRO: (singing) We're pyromaniacs! We love fire to the max!
We buy matches by the stacks, we have flamethrowers on our backs, we're PYROMANIACS!!!!
MURDOC: I'm the bad guy. And the bad guy makes the good guy's life miserable. Ask anyone.
SEASON TWO
*******************
#12: CUTTHROAT ISLAND, THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online-by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
XANDER: (to Cassi) You're bringing GLORY in !?
CASSI: Not yet, she'll star in the spoof that comes after the spoof that comes after the spoof
that comes after this one.
ALL: Huh?
SVEN: She gets to smack her head into a tree.
TINKERBELL: No, I don't bite....but I WILL throw you through a wall if you make me mad.
WOLVIE: (about Munku) Hey that's his SCALP! Lemme TOUCH it!
CHRIS: Her uncle and father are cats, and her other uncle's not only Egyptian, but younger than
her. They're already key for the Jerry Springer show.
SVEN: If you don't like my driving, GET OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
JIMMY MARTINEZ: (to 7of9) Resistance is futil, you will be assimilated.
DAWN: (to Langly) Do you guys really have Jimmy Hoffa's Email address?
LANGLY: (seriously) Yeah, but we don't give it out.
PETER: Best to take her to the hospital....however since we can't, best we seal her side with this
hot poker.
FROHIKE: Try not to kill her, Langly. You're too good a hacker to splatter across the deck.
SAM DANIELS: (watching the dead people fall off the ships) Well, this place is going to look
like the Beaches of Normandy.
CASSI: Back to the spoof! Nikki is killing people....um...on second thought, let's just say they're
all killing each other.
PRINCE JOHN: (about Phyro) Somebody catch that pyromaniac before he kills someone who's
not supposed to be killed!
CASSI: Get Macavity out of the water, and back to the Adams Family. (Ardeth & Nikki)
ALL: Da da da dum! (snap snap)
LOGAN: (watching Ardeth&Nikki fight) Violent family, aren't they?
PETER: Hate to see them at a family reunion.
#13: THE PHANTOM....FROM THE FBI***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRINCE JOHN: (to Mulder) Here's your rings. We had to eat a lot of Cracker-Jacks for them, so
act greatful.
MULDER: Great. I have a telepathic monster for a wolf and a green horse that needs an
excorcist.
HARLEY: (runs up to Fiddles) *We have to run now and chase that plane!*
FIDDLES: Right, we have to save the damsel in distress from the freak in the purple suit!
FIDDLES: (waves at the camera) Lady Iris, look at me!!! I'm on TV!!! Hi everybody!!! I'm on TV!!
IMHOTEP: Ardeth, I am your father!!!
ARDETH: NOOO!!!THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
**There are no new quotes for this spoof......yet/we're working on it.
#14: BATMAN, A SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: (to Ryan) You actually read the script? You really ARE insane!
SVEN: Okay, who gave Pouncie catnip AND a machine gun!?
GERARD: (into his phone) This is Gerard.......no, I can't come in.......no, Cosmo can't either........
because he's dead......NO, I'm NOT kidding!!!
SVEN: (takes the phone) We're sorry, Cosmo and Gerard are not available at this time. If you try
to call again, you will be fed to a pack of velociraptors.
MUNGO: (answers Cosmo's phone) 'Ello?......No, 'e's dead.....'E'll be aloive in abou' an houah.
Call then.
BRUCE WAYNE: Am I in the right place?
CASSI: You see any other buildings with weirdos in them?
**See the note after #13**
#15: JAMES OF THE JUNGLE ***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WAKKO: Look everyone! Africa is purple like France!
PRINCE JOHN: (to Glory) Hon, if the people an this set aren't already mindless zombies, there
ain't NOTHIN that'll turn 'em into one.
DARTH VADER: (narrating) Twenty-five years later, the bouncing baby boy has grown into a
swinging jungle King.
JIMMY: (swings from tree to tree)
DARTH VADER: He is swift, he is strong, he is sure, he is smart....
JIMMY: (smacks into a tree and lands face first in the dirt)
DARTH VADER: (continues) He is unconcious.
GLORY: (into the camera) Hi everybody! Me again! (smiling brightly) Third day in....
where ever we are and look at this incredible....
JESSE: Banyan tree.
GLORY: Whatever...(continues, smiling)...and look what's in it! A bunch of virus carrying
monkeys! Couldn't you just die?
BOBBY DRAKE: (to the guides) Take my things to the lady's tent and shake a leg.
BUFFY: Then they do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.
GILES: And that's what it's all about.
#16: THE FUGITIVE....FROM THE ER***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DR DAVE: Dr Romano had an accident with Dr. Benton's scalpel. He's dead.
CASSI: No! Our Guest does not kill cereal.....in fact, I'm not even sure he eats it.
KRYCHECK: I got it. The doctor who killed his wife, but not really, since she's not his wife, and
she's not dead.
MURDOC: (to Carter) Well, look at it this way. Instead of stitching people together on the
slab, you'll get to be on the slab, yourself.
MURDOC: (about Chris Knight) Ah yeah. We can discuss the difference between a genius
and a person who needs psychological help, later.
SVEN: Spike, and Angelus, you need to lead a shell-shocked Dr. Carter from the house.......
Carter, pretend you just found out you got a role.
**No new quotes yet**
#17: JURASSIC SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi & Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Cassi, you can not blow the guest all over the Green Room!
CASSI: All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Lando together again.
CASSI: People are dying! Shut down the system so we can kill more.
ASH: Great, we're gonna die and Darth Vader is telling us all about the animals that are going to
eat us.
GUMBO: Dead dinosaurs aren't scary.
BRIDGET: And dead children aren't annoying.
MURDOC: I'd like to thank you for flying "Air Murdoc." I hope you live long enough to do
this again sometime!
PETE: (to Niles) In 48 hours, you'll be dead, so I don't think your opinion matters much.
**See previous note**
SEASON THREE
********************
#18: STAR WARS: HEIR TO THE SPOOF***(Status-incomplete-hiatus at pg 200. partial online
-Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNKUSTRAP: We're gonna DIE!!!! BEWARE THE EVIL YELLOW CIRCLE!!! IT'S GOING
TO EAT US ALL!!!!
SPIKE: Gambit, get it right, or we'll recycle you.
SVEN: Skip the part about Gerard being a clone. I don't want security thinking he's the Blue-
Light Special.
STEVE: Where's a clone?
ROMANO: In Med-Lab....woman, red hair...uses a crutch....
ROMANO: (on the Bimbo planet) My God, we've found where Barbie and Ken come from!
BUFFY: (to the Bimbo) If you don't like get out of here, I'm going to break your perfect little
nose!
KRISTI: (about the Bimbo) Or she could have explosive diarrhea.
ROMANO: You mean "perfectly pretty" explosive diarrhea.
CASSI: What's so pretty about it?
GREENE: She spent the entire day sitting on her perfectly pretty pink toilet seat.
JIMMY BOND: James proud! Teach Scott well!
GREENE: James teach Scott how to break Scott nose!
LOGAN: You'll never see that in the movies..."Luke Skywalker slams, face-first, into a cement
wall."
HAN SOLO: Goldenrod, meet Gumbobot.
#19: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY RETURNS ***(Status-complete-online-by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DYLAN SKYLER: In 20 years at Cyndi's wedding, DON'T EAT THE PIG!!!!
DOT: Please do not attempt to pet the stuffed animals or security, as they will try to kill you.
MURDOC: Please tell me we aren't fighting Martian Pigs.
JOHN: Okay, subject of Martian Pigs aside, back to the script.
EVELYN: (reading the wall) Who wrote, "Glory loves Imhotep" here?
MUMMY: (singing) If I only had a brain!!!
XANDER HARRIS: For those of you who have just joined us, everyone here is a crazy person.
**No new quotes yet**
#20: JURASSIC SPOOF: THE LOST WORLD***(Status-complete-online-By Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JONATHAN CARNAHAN: (to Penny) Honey, please don't startle the nice armed assassin.
CASSI: Please tell me Security didn't eat the SWAT team.
FROHIKE: (to Ardeth) Well, if you feel underqualified any, you might just try flcking the switch
to "On".
ARDETH: (to Shower) You naughty girl! You're lucky you're my daughter, or I'd cook you alive
and eat you!
DR CARTER: (reguarding the sick Ralph jr) So give him an Alka-seltzer and let him GO!
IMHOTEP: Right. It's settled. We let them sleep until Ralph and Mrs. Ralph wake them up, then
we all flee in blind panic on our separate ways.
**See previous note**
#21: PEREGRIN, A"WILLOW" SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online-by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ARDETH: Seizing all pregnant women in the realm, the evil...(laughs) Queen...(laughs) I mean,
King Imhotep.....
WOLVIE: (about Connor) Well, actually, I'm realated. Spike is my Daddy, and that baby is his
Uncle-Nephew, so he's my....Great Uncle-cousin.
PIPPIN: I wish I could take you two X-Babies with me.....so that my life becomes a living torture
and I kill myself after a day.
FRODO: Fine! Go ahead and use the road! And when you get caught, tell Queen Imhotep I said
HI!
GLORY: (grins) You're not warriors! You're.....BUNNY RABBITS!!!
MADCHRIS: (bites a carrot) Ahh...what's up, doc?
LEGOLAS: (to Arwen) Protect me!!! The Evil snowman's gonna get me!!!!
**See note before previous note**
#22: LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by
Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RING: I will rule the world!!!
RING: This story is about ME, not some stupid talking SCRIPT!
WOLVIE: Bagless? Sure I know a Bagless! Magneato Bagless! Over there! He's my father's
brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate....twice removed on his mother's side.
DARTH VADER: I'm so proud. My baby's all grown up into a big Sith Lord!
CHRIS: Nowhere in the script does it say that Pippin picked up the discarded Wraith blade and
stabbed Frodo with it!
MAGNEATO: HELLO!!! I'm dying over here!!! Could you stop talking and SAVE me!?
SAM (HOBBIT): Will you shut up and DIE already!?
ANGEL: Have you seen it, Ardeth? The White Tower of ....um....Eck, the Lion.
MAGNETO: Just tea, thank-you. Without the rat poison, it might upset my stomach.
ROMANO: Okay, somebody call Psyche and get them down here.
CYKE: I'm Cthyke, what do you want?
ROMANO: A gun, I'm going to shoot myself.
MAGNEATO: I wish the Ring had never come to me.
RING: You ain't the only one.
**Do I have to tell you?**
#23: THE FORBIDDEN SPOOF: THE HUNTER***(Status-complete, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: I wanna see if they'll get Aragorn high enough to to lose Gondor.
DR ROMANO: I am the assistant director! If I wanna say "Once upon a time", I SAY it! (pulls
out a (flamethrower) Now does anyone have a problem with that!?
DR ROMANO: It's in the script. "Jenny sees gorgeous cyber-punk, and stares like an idiot until
he looks away."
FIDDLES: ACK!!! DEMON BOX!!!DEMON BOX!!!!
CASSI: (to Dor) Would you STOP making my props talk!?!?
TARA MACLAY: Right. I can beat you with my trusty CRAYON!
LEGOLAS: The gods themselves do tremble.
FIDDLES: All hail the mighty crayon!
**And again....you're getting used to this by now, right?**
SEASON FOUR
*********************
#24: US PSYCHOS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)--New quotes added from here on^_^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GERARD: (after Biggs shoots Cash) Biggs, you killed yourself.
DAVE: No, I want to go to the back of the plane to retrieve the pen gun and blow a hole
through the window, so I can splatter myself in someone's tub, thus causing them to never
use their bathroom again.
ANDREW (trio): Well when you put it that way. (to Dave) Go ahead and explode.
SVEN: (about her reading books on serial killers) But I like reading the casework and Forensic
stuff. It has nothing to do with me torturing people. I'm insane, not a PSYCHO!!
LECTER: There's some clones at a roadblock ahead. Do you want to stop for lunch?
RYAN: (about Achemed) Our boy got himself a new set of clothes....a long while back.
ROMANO: No, all this time, we really thought he was running around naked.
NICKY PIKE: (as Sparrow's Asst.--yelling) SCRIPT!
MURDOC: (makes a face) Oh, this is degrading. I have to follow orders from a kid that isn't
even old enough to SHAVE! **he's 8**
SVEN: Yep, and if you don't listen to him, I'll let him use the flame thrower.
RYAN: How soon can we get on that plane?
BECCA: They spent all that effort to get off the plane, and now he wants back ON it?!
CASSI: (when asked where they were) Lecter's group were going to eat the roadblock.
ROMANO: (shouting) Can someone go tell Kerry that Dave just got killed by Freddy Krueger?
FREDDY: (after being banned from Medlab) Awww, now I'll never be a surgeon.
ROMANO: I'll bet we'd clear the board real fast with him down as a resident. **Dr. Krueger has
kind of a nice ring to it, don't it?**
#25: JURASSIC SPOOF III ***(Status-in progress, By Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOGAN: (making his speech) Okay, Raptors are smart, yada yada yada...they could have ruled
the world, and you need to give us money so we can afford to dig their dried out, mummified,
and petrified skeletons from the ground and put them on display for your enjoyment.
DOT: Doesn't that just make you wanna give them money?
DONOVAN: (to his team) Children, if you can't behave, I'll stand you in corners.
CODY FORRESTER: (points at Shaw) He started it.
COMPUTER: NOOO!!! DON'T TAKE MY MAGNET! I LOVE MY MAGNET!!!
CASSI: Death to all who touch the sacred walkman.
BLUE: Anyone see where I left that ticking nuke bomb?
PRINCE JOHN: Okay, it's a bug, that's a dead body. Let's return to the spoof now, shall we?
JENNY: (at the communications center) Do the Compys live there?
STEVE: No, but they have Bingo there every Monday night.
LOGAN: Okay, if we're alive on Monday night, we know where to find them, won't we?
COSMO: (to Ryan at the concession stand) Are you sure you'd want a hot-dog here? They
don't have cows here you know.
MURDOC: Mmm, good Veggiesaur-dog.
ROMANO: Even money says that if you put enough mustard on it, you'll never know the
difference.
STEVE: (where the humans are in the cages) Oh, I must be in the wrong place. This is
the monkey exhibit.
BRIDGET: Oh honey, don't poke the bars, you'll scare the monkeys.
EMMY: Don't move! If you move, they'll chase you!
BLUE: Yeah, make it easier, and stand still.
JULIAN: All medical personnel not dead, go to Medlab.
PRINCE JOHN: The dead ones better go, too.
CODY THORNTON: (about the Compy's home) It's not much but they have a VCR and a stereo.
GERARD: Even a pool, I see.
CODY: That's not much either....it's not even heated.
COSMO: (about the dino-bird thing) Excuse me, but I have a very hard time picturing Ralph in a
birdcage, eating seeds.
RALPH: Ugh, gag me with a spoon.
BECCA: It would have to be a pretty big spoon.
DR CARTER: (singing) I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks.....
NICK: (singing) Or stick my nostrils together with Krazy Glue.....
STEVE: (singing) I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double edged razor blades.....
ARDETH: (singing) I'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands, and then
throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I die.....
ALL FOUR: .....than spend one more minute.....with you!
NEWMAN: (about Nicky) Well, if Sparrow doesn't warp him, someone else will...
MALLORY: Oh, he's my brother. He was warped to start with.
CASSI: Anything besides Jack wanting an eight-year old Assistant happen?
ROMANO: The babysitters would like to meet the two of you and Ryan and Murdoc taught Emmy
how to make C4 in vomit basins. How've you been?
ROMANO'S PARROT: If wishes were horses, we'd all be knee-deep in CRAP!!
MARGO PIKE: Who's Freddy Krueber?
CLAIRE PIKE: Freddy Krueber Silly-Billy-goo-goo!
FREDDY: Excuse me while I vomit.
MURDOC: Let's be psychos! Ride, Bill, RIDE!!!
EMMY: Hi ho Psychopaths AWAY!!!!!
#26: WILD WILD SPOOFED MESS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "Wild Wild West", starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline
CHRIS: (about Newman) The spoof hasn't even started and he's already gonna get an Oscar.
GILES: About me dying. Why wasn't I told?
GERARD: (about Zorro/Diego) Yeah, we left him a trail of post-it-notes. I'm sure he'll show
up before his scene.
GERARD: (to Newman) I don't even want to know where your gun is.....by the way, Biggs said
you have nice legs.
BLUE: (about Newman) Aww, now I'm gonna have nightmares.
GERARD: Cosmo, just read it, or I'LL shoot you!
FIDDLES: (about Jay) Ack! Dumb human attacking me! Help! Help! HELP!! Someone please
rescue me!
GLORY: (with the opera glasses and speaking with a thick accent) Get out of my vay, get out
of my vay. U.S. Army, U.S. Marshal..........You look better as a woman. U.S. Marshal shoots
U.S. Army.......
NEWMAN: Sorry, there have been a lot of death threats lately. The cabinet made me hire
all these *beep* detectives. Drink? Cigar? Donut with little sprinkles on it?
GERARD: (to Newman) Nice try, Noah. Keep that up and someday it'll kill you......oh wait, it
already did.
**Oops, I was wrong. No new quotes for this one**
#27: A SPOOF OF CHAMELEON ***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "A Spell for Chameleon" the 1st Xanth novel, by Piers Anthony
DOR: (about a very fatguy from Xanth) We've been telling that guy to diet for a long time.
His name is "Cellu-light." You'd think it would mean he was light.
TRENT: (about Chameleon) She just grounded the King of Xanth.
ROMANO: Hey we only put out the facts. If you look stupid it's your own fault.
ARDETH: Can you horse-rears be quiet?! I want to eventually get in the story.
MIDNIGHT MUSE: Never trust your cat to drive your house across the ocean.
FIDDLES: (runs in) Evil Martian pigs are coming chased by "Eck the Lion". Help!! HELP!! Run
for your lives the sky is about to fall! Run, run, RUN!! We must escape before the evil bunnies
arrive!
ANYANKA: EVIL BUNNIES?!? (screams) KEEP THEM AWAY!!!
FIDDLES: Evil poisonous bunnies!!!! Martian bunnies!!!
THE ONE RING: (to the script) Shut-up. Nobody cares. They won't give YOU an Oscar. You are
far from being in any way important. You are nothing but a useless paper. Me, on the other
hand, has recieved an Oscar. I'm so important.
SCRIPT: That Oscar won't do you any good once they cast you into the fires of Mount Doom!
CARTER: Let's just skip the examination and exile me already.
CARTER: Hey, look at me! I'm on one side! (steps across the Shield) I'm on the other.
(steps right in the Shield between both sides) Is this really all that critical? Hey everyone!
I have a talent SEE! I'm gonna let Ardeth in to conquer Xanth!
CARTER: (snickering) No. I never killed anyone.
ROMANO: (spits his drink out) Is this the same guy who killed the med-team?
CARTER: I'm innocent....(sounding completely honest) I was framed, I tell you, FRAMED!!!
ROMANO: (starts choking)
CARTER: (after learning they were headed for the Shield) We're gonna die!
HARDING: The Shield won't hurt YOU!!
CARTER: (about Harding & Harpo) Oh right, YOU'RE gonna die!
DOR: (about the "bug") Um....are you sure that isn't a clump of mud?
ROMANO: It's a BUG!!
CLUMP OF MUD: No, I'm mud.
ROMANO: It's a bug. Who are you going to believe, me or a talking clump of mud?
CARTER: (to Harding about the seaserpant) Why don't you show it your face? It might scare
it away.
HARDING: (to Carter) Why don't we offer you as a peace offereing, so the rest of us can get
away?
BETWEEN THE SPOOFS/ER AND THE TERRIBLE YOUTH ELIXIR INCIDENT (Complete)
************************************************************************
--Takes place after Forbidden Spoof Hunter and in the middle of Chameleon--
CHRIS MASON: (to Greene) Who creamed your widow? (dartboard)
GREENE: (with a guilty look) It was an accident.
JIMMY BOND: (to Romano) Wow, you're the Chief of Staff? Does that mean you like run the
place?
DR DAVE: This is the LAST time I answer an invatation! LOOK at me! I haven't even hit
PUBERTY yet!
GREENE: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm dead.
ROMANO: (to Anspaugh) If you do not put me down this instant, you're FIRED! I don't care
if I AM five! I'm still the Chief of Staff!
ANSPAUGH: Does anyone have some aspirin? I think I need about a bottle and a half.
BENTON: Are you sure you don't need a rabies shot? We don't exactly know where his
[Romano] mouth has been.
SHIRLEY: Robert, if you were my child, I'd PAY someone to kidnap you!!!
WOLVIE: I have three daddies and two mommies. Dada Pip, and Mama Jemima, she's a cat, and
my other mommy is a Vampire Slayer, and my daddy Spike is a Vampire, and my other daddy is a
big ugly smelly gorilla!
ROMANO: (about the ketchup and mustard wall mural) Nice work, all you need now is some
pickle relish and a hotdog.
ROMANO: All the people who have tried to sue the hospital....and now we're being threatened
by a CRASH CART!
SHIRLEY: (to Romano) Say "Uncle!"
DR DAVE: (whispering loudly) I see DEAD people!!!
DR BENTON: Didn't I pronounce that guy two hours ago?
DR CARTER: It can't be good publicity to have zombies shedding clumps of body parts all over
the hospital.
CASSI: (in Romano's office, talking to Kerry) I'm his daughter, but we still don't know who my
mother is yet.
DAVE: (about Sven) She's a homicidal maniac!
CARTER: What am I, chopped liver?
WEAVER: I have an Irish guy who's high on morphine, and an English guy, also on morphine,
who needs 150 stitches removed from his arm, he swears was nearly bitten off by a large
dinosaur who thinks he's a dog named Bill.
BENTON: (to Connie) I've met the Elf-Prince of Mirkwood, Groucho Marx, a talking dog, Buffy
the Vampire Slayer, the King of the Goblins, Archangel of the X-Men, Pharaoh Nightcrawler the
First, Pikachu, and Mulder and Scully of the X-Files. How've you been?
BENTON: (about Fiddles) I don't care if it IS greean and singing! What's it doing in the
EMERGENCY ROOM!?
ROMANO: (to Cassi) Actually, I'd rather blow Kerry all over the ER and let the Compys eat her
miserable little pieces.
CASSI: These five year olds...they're so violent these days. So young, so angry. Darn that rap
music!!!
PASTOR RAY: If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
**gulity look--see other notes** Everything from here down is all new....obviously since all
this happened after Youth Elixir**Enjoy..
#28 THE FORBIDDEN SPOOF: THE CHASE **Status--in progress, by Cassi**
***************************************************************
RANDI: (to Romano, reguarding the antennas) Why do you have those things on your head?
ROMANO: Because if we wear them anywhere else, they chaffe.
CASSI: (about transcripts for Jurassic 3) You can take them if you want, Rob.
ROMANO: Yeah, sure. I'll hold the pencil in one hand and work the remote with my foot.
CHRIS KNIGHT: (about the audience) They're all LOOKING at me!!!
ELIZABETH CORDAY: (narrating about Tara) Right, she's brushing her hair, when she sees
another face in the mirror. So unless she's grown an extra head, someone has walked in behind
her.
ROMANO: Because seeing a group eating together makes you think they're plotting murder...
(pauses) I wondered why the waitresses always stare at us when we go out to eat.
SVEN: And here we thought it was because Dor could make the food talk. Silly us.
LUCY: Nah, they can't possibly be staring at that. It's because they think we're plotting murder.
CHRIS: That or the giant spider.
DR CARTER: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
ARDETH: (reguarding Storm's story) She's implying they talk too much.
SVEN: So does Groucho Marx, but that has nothing to do with a telephone pole.
BETWEEN THE SPOOFS "ER VS THE INFESTATION OF JEFFERY" This stuff should sound
familiar......^_~
*******************************************************
JERRY: (to Cassi, about Romano) His Majesty was in the trauma room about a minute ago.
Do you want me to page him?
CASSI: Yeah, tell him Satan still wants his soul.
HALEH: (about Fruit by the Foot) Do you people know what's in those things?
CARTER: Yeah, we're pretty sure it's heroin, but we can't prove it.
CHUNY: Dr Romano, the patient that came in for the sutures just crashed.
CASSI: Maybe he saw Pratt and had a heart attack.
SUSAN: (to Cassi) Are you back again to try to make Romano sell himself to the Dark Side?
ROMANO: Great, so I have to call up Kerry and tell her to be on the look out for a bunch of
killer spiders?!
CASSI: You mean we have to TELL her?! Can't we wait till they bite her?
CASSI: (on the phone) And hurry up and get Atherton down here before the whole building
drops DEAD!
ROMANO: Uh, Cassi, do you think you could get any louder? I don't think they heard you
in SCOTLAND yet!
CASSI: (about the med student) Who is this?
ROMANO: The future of medicine.
CASSI: Well put him back in his cage before I SHOOT the future of medicine!
SUSAN: (about the people looking for the spiders) Think we should tell them that one bite can
kill an elephant?
ROMANO: (to Dave) If you still worked here, I'd have you fired.....however, since you don't,
I'm having you killed instead. (throws the spider on him)
CASSI: (about Jumanji) Look on the bright side. When the bats come, they'll eat the spiders....
or the spiders will eat the spiders, either way, the spiders get eaten, and if you understand that
one, you're good.
SVEN: (in a flat monotone) Oh look, Fat Butt has come to stop us. Help help. Run for the hills,
save yourself.
MR GLASSES: (answering the ER phone) We're sorry, but this ER is now closed to patients.
We just had a stempede come through the place, and we're advising all our doctors to carry
shotguns from now on.
ROMANO: (about Abby being his and Corday's daughter) Oy, this sucks.
ABBY: Mom! Daddy doesn't LOVE me!
ROMANO: (to Lizzie) I TOLD you to call the adoption agency, but you just wouldn't listen.
GREENE: When gremlins, play with chainsaws, I've learned not to look.
ROMANO: (to Burt) You know, she (Lizzie) still has the vial of healing elixir Cassi gave me.
BURT: (looking at her bikini) Really? Where do you suppose she PUT it?!
IVY: (about Jason Voorhees) I made a NEW FRIEND, and he's the nicest person in the whole
world and my new Knight in Shiney armor!
ROMANO: NO! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
IVY: But he's the nicest man in the whole world, and he's super brainy smart!
ROMANO: I don't care if he was voted nicest psycopathic murderer in his class, GET HIM
OUT OF MY AMBULANCE BAY!!!
MURDOC: And parents worry about what kinds of pets kids bring home in the REAL world!
CHRIS: But Daddy, he followed me home.
ROMANO: Mmm, Crocodile sushi.....
CASSI: (looking at the pool) Just what we need. Croc sushi, with drowned spiders, crispy
gremlins, and a half eaten giant python.
LIZZIE: Well, on the bright side, it took care of most of the spiders....
CHRIS: Yeah, but now there's floaties in the pool.
JIMMY M: I think "floaties" is an understatement.
CASSI: (after Romano kicks all the spiders out) Never underestimate the power of short ex-
surgeons who've recently suffered a psychotic breakdown.
MR. GLASSES: Excuse me, Dr. Jason, might I borrow your large scalpel?
**************************************************************************
Well folks, it's all over.....we'll have new quotes written eventually, and we'll be sure to include
them in the next Breaktime Spoof, that will (as we said) be posted under "Movies/Pirates of
the Carribean".....and Port Royal will never know what hit them........
"It's the end of the world as we know it.....and I feel fine" ^_^
Please don't hesitate to review, and Breaktime Spoofs Strike 3 will be coming SOON!!!!
Thankyou to all of you who reviewed....if I named them all....I'd have to go look them up.
Anyhow, Becca, Deb, Amanda, YeBritishBabe, The Admiral, Matt, and anyone else I
may have forgotten....don't hold it against me, I'm on drugs.....winter is coming.....We love
you all, and please come back for the other spoofs!!!!
--Cassi & Sven
The lights were very dim when Dr. Dorset awakened. Where was he? The last thing he
remembered was some little grren creatures all over the place, and a very mutilated body....
but he had been in the ER at the time. What had happened while he was out?
He was distracted from his thoughts, when he heard the hummed song of a wedding
march. Frowning, he looked over where the noise was coming from, and stared in shock.
Maxine Gremlin was dressed in an elegant white wedding gown, and she was carrying a
bouquet of roses, and her face held a bright smile as she grew nearer......
In the hall outside of the morgue, a loud horrified scream was heard, and we fade to black....
THE VERY REAL END.....and now we present the updated Moments list....We've removed
a few that were on the original list posted in Youth Elixir 1, but we just couldn't cut them all.....
**There are a few that we haven't had time to re read through as of yet, but keep a lookout
the next breaktime spoof, as I'm sure we'll have new ones!!! And if any of you know of any
quotes from any of the spoofs, PLEASE Email us and let us know. We do this in spare time,
and sometimes we miss a few.**
************************************************************************
MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS....RANDOM CHOICE PHRASES FROM SPOOFS (By Sven & Cassi)
**************************************************************************
This is not a spoof, and not really a list.....It's just a wonderous collection of moments we all
cherish from the spoofs we all love. I've collected together this bunch of phrases said by
characters thoughout all of our spoofs....including the ones you have seen....and the few that
you haven't. This includes the spoofs that are posted...and the spoofs we have YET to post.
Which would be the first two, with the Cats and the newest ones that are not yet typed. So in a
way, some of the phrases are a small preview of the spoofs you have not yet seen. Enjoy, and
also....We have not fully looked through some of the older spoofs, so there may still be more
phrases that should be in here. So, you our fans, and friends, if you have any choice phrases
that you loved in the spoofs that are not here. PLEASE tell us by review or Email, and we will
gladly include them! So for now...sit back and cherish the memories!!!^_^
************************************************************************
PRESEASON
**************
#1: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA*** (STATUS-Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOMBA: (to Sven)Are you done thinking yet?
JEMIMA: Your face, Etcetera, it's white. It frightens me. It frightens Tugger, too.
CASSI: (about Misto) I think she should have pulled his face off.
SVEN: I think you read too much John Saul.
#2: THE PRINCESS BRIDE....THE SPOOF ***(Status, Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISTOFFOLEES: Hey! Stop talking so I can speak!
MACAVITY: She got you there, Pouncini....you WEANIE!!!!
MISTOFFOLEES: I swear on the soul of my....HEY! I don't even know who my father WAS!
MUNGOJERRIE: AHH!!!!I'S BOB!!!!QUICK, TEAZAH, 'IODE(hide) ME!!!! 'E'S GONNE EA' ME!
SVEN: Nobody's eating anyone. Back to the script.
SEASON ONE
*****************
#3: STAR WARS: THE NEW SPOOF ***(Status-complete- Online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCOTT: There's a droid on the scanner! It might be our little R2 unit! Hit the accelerator!
LUKE SKYWALKER: Did I really sound that stupid back then?
WARREN WORTHINGTON: (to Scott) Will you be quiet? You've got a mouth bigger than a
meteor crater, and that ISN'T a joke!
WOLVIE: I'm not cute, I'm a bizerker!
CASSI: Aww, how cute.
GAMBIT: We're doomed! Remi tink he sound like a moron.
JUBILEE: No arguments here--oops, --I mean beep boop beep.
CAPTAIN: (about the life-pod that has Jubilee and Gambit on it) Hold your fire, there's no intelligent
life on board.
GAMBIT&JUBILEE: HEY!!!
WARREN: I signed aboard the Rand Ecliptic last week. First mate Warren Worthington at your
service. I'm just here to gloat to all you land-locked simpletons, so you don't find out I'm really a rebel.
SCOTT: (about the ship) What a piece of junk!!! Are you sure this flies!?
HAN: (glares) That's the REAL Millenium Falcon.
CASSI: If that was 'Basic', I'd hate to hear 'Complicated'.
SPIKE: (enters) I just saw the bloody weirdest thing.
JEAN: Was it a bunch of aliens in a kick-line with some weirdo, wearing a bucket on his head?
SPIKE: Uhhhh, no.
LOGAN: Look at the Peanut Gallery!
SCOTT: I'm trying not to. It's a hideous sight.
#4: LABYRINTH, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISTOFFELEES: I ask for so little...just let me rule you.
XANDER: (as a Munchkin) Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
RUMPELTEAZER: I 'ave to go to the castle to save me creepy brother.
SVEN: (to Spike) Here boy! Good, Spike! Have a biscuit!
SPIKE: I am not in love with the Slayer!
CASSI: And he's in denial.
SPIKE: I am not!
SVEN: He denys that he's in denial.
RUFIO: Denial is de longest river in de world.
SPIKE: What is the dwarf's name?
JARETH: Hedgewart.
SVEN: Hogwart.
DIDYMUS: Sir Hoggle.
SPIKE: I see, why don't we just call him, "Hey you"?
POUNCE: (about Teazer) Yeah, she wants to take her head off and be like us!!!
SPIKE: Sure, high and headless, start a trend!
CASSI: I don't remember Sarah saying she loved junkyards, either, nor do I remember her referring to
Toby as "creepy and blue"....Just go with it.
JARETH: I don't remember Toby BEING creepy and blue.
#5: STAR WARS: THE SPOOF STRIKES BACK **(Status-Complete-online by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: You might be a Metalneck if your skeleton is more durable than your car.
SVEN: (to Buffy) Continue, and I don't CARE if you sound like a moron!
WARREN: Your ugly kangaroo-goat will die before you reach the first marker.
XANDER: (about Luke) Man, that was close. I was afraid he was gonna do a "Carrie" and kill
us all.
CORSAIR: How come all the unnamed stormtroopers have fangs?
LOGAN: (about the cheeseburger droid) Afraid there's not much left, and what WAS left, Sabre
decided to have for lunch.
BUFFY: What was it?
LOGAN: A cheeseburger of some kind. I couldn't tell what was on it.
BUFFY: An Imperial cheeseburger droid!
WAGNER: NO!
ALONZO: We'd better start an evacuation.
CASSI: All that over a cheeseburger?
TOAD: I think we've got something. Our cheeseburger droid in the Hoth system sent it.
XANDER: French fries and a drink?
CASSI: And an apple turnover!
CORSAIR: (ignores them) You found something?
XANDER: Yeah, a fast food restraunt.
SCOTT: (about Luke on Dagabah) Let me guess....the dog's pet Jedi.
CASSI: (about Mulder and Scully looking for aliens) Can you believe that? Aliens here! I mean
we're doing STAR WARS! How could they possibly think we'd have aliens here?
SVEN: Not a clue, they're obviously out of their minds, right Chewie?
SPIKE: (about Scott being swayed to the darkside) Not bloody likely. He's too much of a poofter,
besides, he's smarter than Luke.
XANDER: Great. They need me because the Empire is made up of cats and vampires.
#6: DOT: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPIKE: (to Dot--slurred) Wha's yer name?
DOT: Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Bananafana Bo Besca, the THIRD! Or you
can call me Dot, but if you call me Dottie, I'll have to hurt you.
CASSI: I am a spectator. I have a right to throw up.
DOT: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador...like I'm ever going to Spain, anyway.
DOT: I am the Slayer. I have the ablility to make anvils fall from the ceiling.
MURDOC: I'll get you, Dot, and your little dog, too.
XANDER: (to Dot and the cats) Would you guys shut up?
DOT: (turns around) It could happen.
SPIKE: That you'd shut up? Not bloody likely.
CORDELIA: How about the Ozone Layer?
DOT: That's right, we gotta get rid of that.
DOT: I have to see this weird cat about a job.
MACAVITY: Oh, I play my part.
DOT: You can play with your part all you want---EWWW!!! Just don't do it here, there are
children present!
DOT: You made a funny! Are you alright? Do you want to lie down? I know it hurts the first time.
DOT: Is that your car?
SPIKE: No, it belonged to the vampires. I was just walking around outside, in the middle of the night,
all alone.
#7: STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online, By Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MURDOC: I am NOT insane! I'm just very very determined.
GAMBIT: We seem to have lost the pursuer, Master Scott. I believe it smashed into that
walkway we flew under....or it crashed into the building we flew through.
SPIKE: They keep thinking no one could be as stupid as we are. It fools them every time.
SPIKE: Great. I'm being threatened by a cheerleader....I'm really scared.
BUFFY: Isn't it great to see grown men act like children?
CASSI: (about Lando's cooking) I thought we were going to something less disgusting.
SCOTT: (about the stew) Giju stew? It looks like boot plastic and fertilizer drenched in pond scum..
and it smells like it too.
POUNCE: Food!!! (swallows the whole bowl of Lando's stew, then spits it out) YUCK!!! This is
disgusting!!!
SPIKE: This is Riley, theif, card cheat, smuggler, jerk, idiot, bad actor, boring, did I mention stupid--
Oh yeah, he's an okay pilot, but I'm sure you all knew that already.
RILEY: Maybe you wouldn't want to, Wagner. but I eat thunderstorms for breakfast.
CASSI: Wouldn't the lightning bother his stomach?
CASSI: (to Xander) How the heck do you lose an eight hundred pound block of carbonite?
XANDER: It was an accident, I swear!
SVEN: Yeah, tell her Scott, the galaxy's biggest idiot, flash-flamed himself into a black crisp because
he couldn't follow an elementry circuit diagram.
SVEN: I speak gibberish, therefore I can read it, now keep going.
RILEY: I'm back!
SPIKE: Oh, I'm really scared.
BUFFY: I second that.
#8: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY ***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Just add water! Instant Han!
SPIKE: Just like dehydrated soup.
SPIKE: Great, now we're being eaten by a KEWPIE DOLL!
BUFFY: I have plenty of respect for the dead....as long as they don't jump up and attack me.
BUFFY: You're wondering what's a place like me doing in a girl like this?
CASSI: (about how violent the spoof is) Nothing major. A few killings, people getting eaten by
Labyrinth fairies.....you get the point.
ARDETH: Eaten by WHAT!?
JARETH: Fairies.
CASSI: Sven and I thought scarabs were too common, so we made it interesting.
XANDER: (to Buffy) I lie to everybody. What makes you so special?
BUFFY: I am your sister.
XANDER: Yes, well that just makes you more gullible.
SVEN: (about Angelus) Hear that, everybody? Someone read the SCRIPT!
ALL: HURRAAAAAY!!!!
ANGELUS: (about plane) No wait, it's a BIRD, no it IS a plane. No, it's....Spike, and three idiots.
#9: STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: We took the liberty of filling the pit with Maneating Claw Lizards from the Lost Star...
aka--Velociraptors.
SPIKE: So much for long drawn out death. They'll be sushi in thirty seconds!
SPIKE: (about Logan) Put him back in carbonite. He's past his expiration date.
DR CARTER: (about the raptors) That explains the ripped up trainer I just sewed up. Don't
worry, he'll only lose one of his arms.
DIDYMUS: (as Yoda) Die, I shall not! Fight thee to the death, I shall!
CHRIS: Okay, Spikedroid, your line.
SPIKE: If I could glare, I would.
SPIKE: (grumbles) His Bloatedness, the Smelly Mojo the Hutt, has decreed that you are to
be terminated immediately.
LOGAN: Good, I hate long waits.
SPIKE: 'EY RAPTOR MEAT!!! His Bloatedness hopes that you die horribly, but should any
of you wish to beg for mercy, you will not be heard, so feel free to yell all you want!
SCOTT: (to Buffy) Yes, Madam Pain in the Butt, we are going to a slimey mudhole. Maybe
you'll fall in like Jubes did.
#10: ROBIN HOOD: SPIKE (AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS) IN TIGHTS**(Status-Complete-
online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MACAVITY: Spike of Loxley, where is your King?
SPIKE: Which King would that be? King Louis, King Richard....King Kong?
SPIKE: (to Billy) Watch my back!
BILLY: (to Spike) Your back just got punched...twice!
SARAH: Look Jenny! A happy little bluebird!
POUNCE: BOINGY!!!! (bounces in and eats the bird)
PRINCE JOHN: So much for the happy little bluebird.
GILES: (to Willow) What can you tell me about Spike of Loxley?
WILLOW: He's a real pain in the butt.
XANDER: Tell us something we DON'T know.
ANGEL: KING ILLEGAL FOREST TO PIG WILD KILL IN IT A IS?!
SPIKE& SARAH: What?!
GILES: Save me save me! Hurt them hurt them!
ANGEL: Yes, I've got it. Save them save them, hurt you hurt you.
SPIKE: My darling, I'm ready for that kiss now....ugh, listen to me. I'm making myself sick.
LUKE SKYWALKER: Hmmm, let me think. Getting a spanking from a snowman, or wearing a
dress. Tough choice.
BILLY COLTON: Man, I never should have worn these shoes. They just don't match my purse.
#11: THE THREE MUSKETEERS, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete- online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PORTHOS: Does anyone on this set know how to use one of those? (a sword)
CASSI: Yeah, the pointy end goes into the other guy.
LOGAN: My father was a Musketeer. The King's personal bodyguard.
CHRIS MASON: Well at least he has something nice to tell his shrink. I had to say mine
was a psycho.
MURDOC: (about the flag) Burn it. I still have a flamethrower.
CASSI: Rochefort of the 21st century. Comes fully loaded with all the extras.
SVEN: Batteries included.
LANGLY: I gotta say this spoofacting thing really SUCKS!
MURDOC: (to MacGyver) Angus.....isn't that a breed of cattle?
PORTHOS: (about Xander) Before today, did he even know where France was?
CHRIS MASON: We've all seen France on the map.
WAKKO: It's purple.
CASSI, MURDOC, CHRIS & PHYRO: (singing) We're pyromaniacs! We love fire to the max!
We buy matches by the stacks, we have flamethrowers on our backs, we're PYROMANIACS!!!!
MURDOC: I'm the bad guy. And the bad guy makes the good guy's life miserable. Ask anyone.
SEASON TWO
*******************
#12: CUTTHROAT ISLAND, THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online-by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
XANDER: (to Cassi) You're bringing GLORY in !?
CASSI: Not yet, she'll star in the spoof that comes after the spoof that comes after the spoof
that comes after this one.
ALL: Huh?
SVEN: She gets to smack her head into a tree.
TINKERBELL: No, I don't bite....but I WILL throw you through a wall if you make me mad.
WOLVIE: (about Munku) Hey that's his SCALP! Lemme TOUCH it!
CHRIS: Her uncle and father are cats, and her other uncle's not only Egyptian, but younger than
her. They're already key for the Jerry Springer show.
SVEN: If you don't like my driving, GET OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
JIMMY MARTINEZ: (to 7of9) Resistance is futil, you will be assimilated.
DAWN: (to Langly) Do you guys really have Jimmy Hoffa's Email address?
LANGLY: (seriously) Yeah, but we don't give it out.
PETER: Best to take her to the hospital....however since we can't, best we seal her side with this
hot poker.
FROHIKE: Try not to kill her, Langly. You're too good a hacker to splatter across the deck.
SAM DANIELS: (watching the dead people fall off the ships) Well, this place is going to look
like the Beaches of Normandy.
CASSI: Back to the spoof! Nikki is killing people....um...on second thought, let's just say they're
all killing each other.
PRINCE JOHN: (about Phyro) Somebody catch that pyromaniac before he kills someone who's
not supposed to be killed!
CASSI: Get Macavity out of the water, and back to the Adams Family. (Ardeth & Nikki)
ALL: Da da da dum! (snap snap)
LOGAN: (watching Ardeth&Nikki fight) Violent family, aren't they?
PETER: Hate to see them at a family reunion.
#13: THE PHANTOM....FROM THE FBI***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRINCE JOHN: (to Mulder) Here's your rings. We had to eat a lot of Cracker-Jacks for them, so
act greatful.
MULDER: Great. I have a telepathic monster for a wolf and a green horse that needs an
excorcist.
HARLEY: (runs up to Fiddles) *We have to run now and chase that plane!*
FIDDLES: Right, we have to save the damsel in distress from the freak in the purple suit!
FIDDLES: (waves at the camera) Lady Iris, look at me!!! I'm on TV!!! Hi everybody!!! I'm on TV!!
IMHOTEP: Ardeth, I am your father!!!
ARDETH: NOOO!!!THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
**There are no new quotes for this spoof......yet/we're working on it.
#14: BATMAN, A SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: (to Ryan) You actually read the script? You really ARE insane!
SVEN: Okay, who gave Pouncie catnip AND a machine gun!?
GERARD: (into his phone) This is Gerard.......no, I can't come in.......no, Cosmo can't either........
because he's dead......NO, I'm NOT kidding!!!
SVEN: (takes the phone) We're sorry, Cosmo and Gerard are not available at this time. If you try
to call again, you will be fed to a pack of velociraptors.
MUNGO: (answers Cosmo's phone) 'Ello?......No, 'e's dead.....'E'll be aloive in abou' an houah.
Call then.
BRUCE WAYNE: Am I in the right place?
CASSI: You see any other buildings with weirdos in them?
**See the note after #13**
#15: JAMES OF THE JUNGLE ***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WAKKO: Look everyone! Africa is purple like France!
PRINCE JOHN: (to Glory) Hon, if the people an this set aren't already mindless zombies, there
ain't NOTHIN that'll turn 'em into one.
DARTH VADER: (narrating) Twenty-five years later, the bouncing baby boy has grown into a
swinging jungle King.
JIMMY: (swings from tree to tree)
DARTH VADER: He is swift, he is strong, he is sure, he is smart....
JIMMY: (smacks into a tree and lands face first in the dirt)
DARTH VADER: (continues) He is unconcious.
GLORY: (into the camera) Hi everybody! Me again! (smiling brightly) Third day in....
where ever we are and look at this incredible....
JESSE: Banyan tree.
GLORY: Whatever...(continues, smiling)...and look what's in it! A bunch of virus carrying
monkeys! Couldn't you just die?
BOBBY DRAKE: (to the guides) Take my things to the lady's tent and shake a leg.
BUFFY: Then they do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.
GILES: And that's what it's all about.
#16: THE FUGITIVE....FROM THE ER***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DR DAVE: Dr Romano had an accident with Dr. Benton's scalpel. He's dead.
CASSI: No! Our Guest does not kill cereal.....in fact, I'm not even sure he eats it.
KRYCHECK: I got it. The doctor who killed his wife, but not really, since she's not his wife, and
she's not dead.
MURDOC: (to Carter) Well, look at it this way. Instead of stitching people together on the
slab, you'll get to be on the slab, yourself.
MURDOC: (about Chris Knight) Ah yeah. We can discuss the difference between a genius
and a person who needs psychological help, later.
SVEN: Spike, and Angelus, you need to lead a shell-shocked Dr. Carter from the house.......
Carter, pretend you just found out you got a role.
**No new quotes yet**
#17: JURASSIC SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi & Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Cassi, you can not blow the guest all over the Green Room!
CASSI: All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Lando together again.
CASSI: People are dying! Shut down the system so we can kill more.
ASH: Great, we're gonna die and Darth Vader is telling us all about the animals that are going to
eat us.
GUMBO: Dead dinosaurs aren't scary.
BRIDGET: And dead children aren't annoying.
MURDOC: I'd like to thank you for flying "Air Murdoc." I hope you live long enough to do
this again sometime!
PETE: (to Niles) In 48 hours, you'll be dead, so I don't think your opinion matters much.
**See previous note**
SEASON THREE
********************
#18: STAR WARS: HEIR TO THE SPOOF***(Status-incomplete-hiatus at pg 200. partial online
-Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNKUSTRAP: We're gonna DIE!!!! BEWARE THE EVIL YELLOW CIRCLE!!! IT'S GOING
TO EAT US ALL!!!!
SPIKE: Gambit, get it right, or we'll recycle you.
SVEN: Skip the part about Gerard being a clone. I don't want security thinking he's the Blue-
Light Special.
STEVE: Where's a clone?
ROMANO: In Med-Lab....woman, red hair...uses a crutch....
ROMANO: (on the Bimbo planet) My God, we've found where Barbie and Ken come from!
BUFFY: (to the Bimbo) If you don't like get out of here, I'm going to break your perfect little
nose!
KRISTI: (about the Bimbo) Or she could have explosive diarrhea.
ROMANO: You mean "perfectly pretty" explosive diarrhea.
CASSI: What's so pretty about it?
GREENE: She spent the entire day sitting on her perfectly pretty pink toilet seat.
JIMMY BOND: James proud! Teach Scott well!
GREENE: James teach Scott how to break Scott nose!
LOGAN: You'll never see that in the movies..."Luke Skywalker slams, face-first, into a cement
wall."
HAN SOLO: Goldenrod, meet Gumbobot.
#19: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY RETURNS ***(Status-complete-online-by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DYLAN SKYLER: In 20 years at Cyndi's wedding, DON'T EAT THE PIG!!!!
DOT: Please do not attempt to pet the stuffed animals or security, as they will try to kill you.
MURDOC: Please tell me we aren't fighting Martian Pigs.
JOHN: Okay, subject of Martian Pigs aside, back to the script.
EVELYN: (reading the wall) Who wrote, "Glory loves Imhotep" here?
MUMMY: (singing) If I only had a brain!!!
XANDER HARRIS: For those of you who have just joined us, everyone here is a crazy person.
**No new quotes yet**
#20: JURASSIC SPOOF: THE LOST WORLD***(Status-complete-online-By Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JONATHAN CARNAHAN: (to Penny) Honey, please don't startle the nice armed assassin.
CASSI: Please tell me Security didn't eat the SWAT team.
FROHIKE: (to Ardeth) Well, if you feel underqualified any, you might just try flcking the switch
to "On".
ARDETH: (to Shower) You naughty girl! You're lucky you're my daughter, or I'd cook you alive
and eat you!
DR CARTER: (reguarding the sick Ralph jr) So give him an Alka-seltzer and let him GO!
IMHOTEP: Right. It's settled. We let them sleep until Ralph and Mrs. Ralph wake them up, then
we all flee in blind panic on our separate ways.
**See previous note**
#21: PEREGRIN, A"WILLOW" SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online-by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ARDETH: Seizing all pregnant women in the realm, the evil...(laughs) Queen...(laughs) I mean,
King Imhotep.....
WOLVIE: (about Connor) Well, actually, I'm realated. Spike is my Daddy, and that baby is his
Uncle-Nephew, so he's my....Great Uncle-cousin.
PIPPIN: I wish I could take you two X-Babies with me.....so that my life becomes a living torture
and I kill myself after a day.
FRODO: Fine! Go ahead and use the road! And when you get caught, tell Queen Imhotep I said
HI!
GLORY: (grins) You're not warriors! You're.....BUNNY RABBITS!!!
MADCHRIS: (bites a carrot) Ahh...what's up, doc?
LEGOLAS: (to Arwen) Protect me!!! The Evil snowman's gonna get me!!!!
**See note before previous note**
#22: LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by
Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RING: I will rule the world!!!
RING: This story is about ME, not some stupid talking SCRIPT!
WOLVIE: Bagless? Sure I know a Bagless! Magneato Bagless! Over there! He's my father's
brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate....twice removed on his mother's side.
DARTH VADER: I'm so proud. My baby's all grown up into a big Sith Lord!
CHRIS: Nowhere in the script does it say that Pippin picked up the discarded Wraith blade and
stabbed Frodo with it!
MAGNEATO: HELLO!!! I'm dying over here!!! Could you stop talking and SAVE me!?
SAM (HOBBIT): Will you shut up and DIE already!?
ANGEL: Have you seen it, Ardeth? The White Tower of ....um....Eck, the Lion.
MAGNETO: Just tea, thank-you. Without the rat poison, it might upset my stomach.
ROMANO: Okay, somebody call Psyche and get them down here.
CYKE: I'm Cthyke, what do you want?
ROMANO: A gun, I'm going to shoot myself.
MAGNEATO: I wish the Ring had never come to me.
RING: You ain't the only one.
**Do I have to tell you?**
#23: THE FORBIDDEN SPOOF: THE HUNTER***(Status-complete, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: I wanna see if they'll get Aragorn high enough to to lose Gondor.
DR ROMANO: I am the assistant director! If I wanna say "Once upon a time", I SAY it! (pulls
out a (flamethrower) Now does anyone have a problem with that!?
DR ROMANO: It's in the script. "Jenny sees gorgeous cyber-punk, and stares like an idiot until
he looks away."
FIDDLES: ACK!!! DEMON BOX!!!DEMON BOX!!!!
CASSI: (to Dor) Would you STOP making my props talk!?!?
TARA MACLAY: Right. I can beat you with my trusty CRAYON!
LEGOLAS: The gods themselves do tremble.
FIDDLES: All hail the mighty crayon!
**And again....you're getting used to this by now, right?**
SEASON FOUR
*********************
#24: US PSYCHOS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)--New quotes added from here on^_^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GERARD: (after Biggs shoots Cash) Biggs, you killed yourself.
DAVE: No, I want to go to the back of the plane to retrieve the pen gun and blow a hole
through the window, so I can splatter myself in someone's tub, thus causing them to never
use their bathroom again.
ANDREW (trio): Well when you put it that way. (to Dave) Go ahead and explode.
SVEN: (about her reading books on serial killers) But I like reading the casework and Forensic
stuff. It has nothing to do with me torturing people. I'm insane, not a PSYCHO!!
LECTER: There's some clones at a roadblock ahead. Do you want to stop for lunch?
RYAN: (about Achemed) Our boy got himself a new set of clothes....a long while back.
ROMANO: No, all this time, we really thought he was running around naked.
NICKY PIKE: (as Sparrow's Asst.--yelling) SCRIPT!
MURDOC: (makes a face) Oh, this is degrading. I have to follow orders from a kid that isn't
even old enough to SHAVE! **he's 8**
SVEN: Yep, and if you don't listen to him, I'll let him use the flame thrower.
RYAN: How soon can we get on that plane?
BECCA: They spent all that effort to get off the plane, and now he wants back ON it?!
CASSI: (when asked where they were) Lecter's group were going to eat the roadblock.
ROMANO: (shouting) Can someone go tell Kerry that Dave just got killed by Freddy Krueger?
FREDDY: (after being banned from Medlab) Awww, now I'll never be a surgeon.
ROMANO: I'll bet we'd clear the board real fast with him down as a resident. **Dr. Krueger has
kind of a nice ring to it, don't it?**
#25: JURASSIC SPOOF III ***(Status-in progress, By Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOGAN: (making his speech) Okay, Raptors are smart, yada yada yada...they could have ruled
the world, and you need to give us money so we can afford to dig their dried out, mummified,
and petrified skeletons from the ground and put them on display for your enjoyment.
DOT: Doesn't that just make you wanna give them money?
DONOVAN: (to his team) Children, if you can't behave, I'll stand you in corners.
CODY FORRESTER: (points at Shaw) He started it.
COMPUTER: NOOO!!! DON'T TAKE MY MAGNET! I LOVE MY MAGNET!!!
CASSI: Death to all who touch the sacred walkman.
BLUE: Anyone see where I left that ticking nuke bomb?
PRINCE JOHN: Okay, it's a bug, that's a dead body. Let's return to the spoof now, shall we?
JENNY: (at the communications center) Do the Compys live there?
STEVE: No, but they have Bingo there every Monday night.
LOGAN: Okay, if we're alive on Monday night, we know where to find them, won't we?
COSMO: (to Ryan at the concession stand) Are you sure you'd want a hot-dog here? They
don't have cows here you know.
MURDOC: Mmm, good Veggiesaur-dog.
ROMANO: Even money says that if you put enough mustard on it, you'll never know the
difference.
STEVE: (where the humans are in the cages) Oh, I must be in the wrong place. This is
the monkey exhibit.
BRIDGET: Oh honey, don't poke the bars, you'll scare the monkeys.
EMMY: Don't move! If you move, they'll chase you!
BLUE: Yeah, make it easier, and stand still.
JULIAN: All medical personnel not dead, go to Medlab.
PRINCE JOHN: The dead ones better go, too.
CODY THORNTON: (about the Compy's home) It's not much but they have a VCR and a stereo.
GERARD: Even a pool, I see.
CODY: That's not much either....it's not even heated.
COSMO: (about the dino-bird thing) Excuse me, but I have a very hard time picturing Ralph in a
birdcage, eating seeds.
RALPH: Ugh, gag me with a spoon.
BECCA: It would have to be a pretty big spoon.
DR CARTER: (singing) I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks.....
NICK: (singing) Or stick my nostrils together with Krazy Glue.....
STEVE: (singing) I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double edged razor blades.....
ARDETH: (singing) I'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands, and then
throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I die.....
ALL FOUR: .....than spend one more minute.....with you!
NEWMAN: (about Nicky) Well, if Sparrow doesn't warp him, someone else will...
MALLORY: Oh, he's my brother. He was warped to start with.
CASSI: Anything besides Jack wanting an eight-year old Assistant happen?
ROMANO: The babysitters would like to meet the two of you and Ryan and Murdoc taught Emmy
how to make C4 in vomit basins. How've you been?
ROMANO'S PARROT: If wishes were horses, we'd all be knee-deep in CRAP!!
MARGO PIKE: Who's Freddy Krueber?
CLAIRE PIKE: Freddy Krueber Silly-Billy-goo-goo!
FREDDY: Excuse me while I vomit.
MURDOC: Let's be psychos! Ride, Bill, RIDE!!!
EMMY: Hi ho Psychopaths AWAY!!!!!
#26: WILD WILD SPOOFED MESS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "Wild Wild West", starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline
CHRIS: (about Newman) The spoof hasn't even started and he's already gonna get an Oscar.
GILES: About me dying. Why wasn't I told?
GERARD: (about Zorro/Diego) Yeah, we left him a trail of post-it-notes. I'm sure he'll show
up before his scene.
GERARD: (to Newman) I don't even want to know where your gun is.....by the way, Biggs said
you have nice legs.
BLUE: (about Newman) Aww, now I'm gonna have nightmares.
GERARD: Cosmo, just read it, or I'LL shoot you!
FIDDLES: (about Jay) Ack! Dumb human attacking me! Help! Help! HELP!! Someone please
rescue me!
GLORY: (with the opera glasses and speaking with a thick accent) Get out of my vay, get out
of my vay. U.S. Army, U.S. Marshal..........You look better as a woman. U.S. Marshal shoots
U.S. Army.......
NEWMAN: Sorry, there have been a lot of death threats lately. The cabinet made me hire
all these *beep* detectives. Drink? Cigar? Donut with little sprinkles on it?
GERARD: (to Newman) Nice try, Noah. Keep that up and someday it'll kill you......oh wait, it
already did.
**Oops, I was wrong. No new quotes for this one**
#27: A SPOOF OF CHAMELEON ***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "A Spell for Chameleon" the 1st Xanth novel, by Piers Anthony
DOR: (about a very fatguy from Xanth) We've been telling that guy to diet for a long time.
His name is "Cellu-light." You'd think it would mean he was light.
TRENT: (about Chameleon) She just grounded the King of Xanth.
ROMANO: Hey we only put out the facts. If you look stupid it's your own fault.
ARDETH: Can you horse-rears be quiet?! I want to eventually get in the story.
MIDNIGHT MUSE: Never trust your cat to drive your house across the ocean.
FIDDLES: (runs in) Evil Martian pigs are coming chased by "Eck the Lion". Help!! HELP!! Run
for your lives the sky is about to fall! Run, run, RUN!! We must escape before the evil bunnies
arrive!
ANYANKA: EVIL BUNNIES?!? (screams) KEEP THEM AWAY!!!
FIDDLES: Evil poisonous bunnies!!!! Martian bunnies!!!
THE ONE RING: (to the script) Shut-up. Nobody cares. They won't give YOU an Oscar. You are
far from being in any way important. You are nothing but a useless paper. Me, on the other
hand, has recieved an Oscar. I'm so important.
SCRIPT: That Oscar won't do you any good once they cast you into the fires of Mount Doom!
CARTER: Let's just skip the examination and exile me already.
CARTER: Hey, look at me! I'm on one side! (steps across the Shield) I'm on the other.
(steps right in the Shield between both sides) Is this really all that critical? Hey everyone!
I have a talent SEE! I'm gonna let Ardeth in to conquer Xanth!
CARTER: (snickering) No. I never killed anyone.
ROMANO: (spits his drink out) Is this the same guy who killed the med-team?
CARTER: I'm innocent....(sounding completely honest) I was framed, I tell you, FRAMED!!!
ROMANO: (starts choking)
CARTER: (after learning they were headed for the Shield) We're gonna die!
HARDING: The Shield won't hurt YOU!!
CARTER: (about Harding & Harpo) Oh right, YOU'RE gonna die!
DOR: (about the "bug") Um....are you sure that isn't a clump of mud?
ROMANO: It's a BUG!!
CLUMP OF MUD: No, I'm mud.
ROMANO: It's a bug. Who are you going to believe, me or a talking clump of mud?
CARTER: (to Harding about the seaserpant) Why don't you show it your face? It might scare
it away.
HARDING: (to Carter) Why don't we offer you as a peace offereing, so the rest of us can get
away?
BETWEEN THE SPOOFS/ER AND THE TERRIBLE YOUTH ELIXIR INCIDENT (Complete)
************************************************************************
--Takes place after Forbidden Spoof Hunter and in the middle of Chameleon--
CHRIS MASON: (to Greene) Who creamed your widow? (dartboard)
GREENE: (with a guilty look) It was an accident.
JIMMY BOND: (to Romano) Wow, you're the Chief of Staff? Does that mean you like run the
place?
DR DAVE: This is the LAST time I answer an invatation! LOOK at me! I haven't even hit
PUBERTY yet!
GREENE: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm dead.
ROMANO: (to Anspaugh) If you do not put me down this instant, you're FIRED! I don't care
if I AM five! I'm still the Chief of Staff!
ANSPAUGH: Does anyone have some aspirin? I think I need about a bottle and a half.
BENTON: Are you sure you don't need a rabies shot? We don't exactly know where his
[Romano] mouth has been.
SHIRLEY: Robert, if you were my child, I'd PAY someone to kidnap you!!!
WOLVIE: I have three daddies and two mommies. Dada Pip, and Mama Jemima, she's a cat, and
my other mommy is a Vampire Slayer, and my daddy Spike is a Vampire, and my other daddy is a
big ugly smelly gorilla!
ROMANO: (about the ketchup and mustard wall mural) Nice work, all you need now is some
pickle relish and a hotdog.
ROMANO: All the people who have tried to sue the hospital....and now we're being threatened
by a CRASH CART!
SHIRLEY: (to Romano) Say "Uncle!"
DR DAVE: (whispering loudly) I see DEAD people!!!
DR BENTON: Didn't I pronounce that guy two hours ago?
DR CARTER: It can't be good publicity to have zombies shedding clumps of body parts all over
the hospital.
CASSI: (in Romano's office, talking to Kerry) I'm his daughter, but we still don't know who my
mother is yet.
DAVE: (about Sven) She's a homicidal maniac!
CARTER: What am I, chopped liver?
WEAVER: I have an Irish guy who's high on morphine, and an English guy, also on morphine,
who needs 150 stitches removed from his arm, he swears was nearly bitten off by a large
dinosaur who thinks he's a dog named Bill.
BENTON: (to Connie) I've met the Elf-Prince of Mirkwood, Groucho Marx, a talking dog, Buffy
the Vampire Slayer, the King of the Goblins, Archangel of the X-Men, Pharaoh Nightcrawler the
First, Pikachu, and Mulder and Scully of the X-Files. How've you been?
BENTON: (about Fiddles) I don't care if it IS greean and singing! What's it doing in the
EMERGENCY ROOM!?
ROMANO: (to Cassi) Actually, I'd rather blow Kerry all over the ER and let the Compys eat her
miserable little pieces.
CASSI: These five year olds...they're so violent these days. So young, so angry. Darn that rap
music!!!
PASTOR RAY: If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
**gulity look--see other notes** Everything from here down is all new....obviously since all
this happened after Youth Elixir**Enjoy..
#28 THE FORBIDDEN SPOOF: THE CHASE **Status--in progress, by Cassi**
***************************************************************
RANDI: (to Romano, reguarding the antennas) Why do you have those things on your head?
ROMANO: Because if we wear them anywhere else, they chaffe.
CASSI: (about transcripts for Jurassic 3) You can take them if you want, Rob.
ROMANO: Yeah, sure. I'll hold the pencil in one hand and work the remote with my foot.
CHRIS KNIGHT: (about the audience) They're all LOOKING at me!!!
ELIZABETH CORDAY: (narrating about Tara) Right, she's brushing her hair, when she sees
another face in the mirror. So unless she's grown an extra head, someone has walked in behind
her.
ROMANO: Because seeing a group eating together makes you think they're plotting murder...
(pauses) I wondered why the waitresses always stare at us when we go out to eat.
SVEN: And here we thought it was because Dor could make the food talk. Silly us.
LUCY: Nah, they can't possibly be staring at that. It's because they think we're plotting murder.
CHRIS: That or the giant spider.
DR CARTER: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
ARDETH: (reguarding Storm's story) She's implying they talk too much.
SVEN: So does Groucho Marx, but that has nothing to do with a telephone pole.
BETWEEN THE SPOOFS "ER VS THE INFESTATION OF JEFFERY" This stuff should sound
familiar......^_~
*******************************************************
JERRY: (to Cassi, about Romano) His Majesty was in the trauma room about a minute ago.
Do you want me to page him?
CASSI: Yeah, tell him Satan still wants his soul.
HALEH: (about Fruit by the Foot) Do you people know what's in those things?
CARTER: Yeah, we're pretty sure it's heroin, but we can't prove it.
CHUNY: Dr Romano, the patient that came in for the sutures just crashed.
CASSI: Maybe he saw Pratt and had a heart attack.
SUSAN: (to Cassi) Are you back again to try to make Romano sell himself to the Dark Side?
ROMANO: Great, so I have to call up Kerry and tell her to be on the look out for a bunch of
killer spiders?!
CASSI: You mean we have to TELL her?! Can't we wait till they bite her?
CASSI: (on the phone) And hurry up and get Atherton down here before the whole building
drops DEAD!
ROMANO: Uh, Cassi, do you think you could get any louder? I don't think they heard you
in SCOTLAND yet!
CASSI: (about the med student) Who is this?
ROMANO: The future of medicine.
CASSI: Well put him back in his cage before I SHOOT the future of medicine!
SUSAN: (about the people looking for the spiders) Think we should tell them that one bite can
kill an elephant?
ROMANO: (to Dave) If you still worked here, I'd have you fired.....however, since you don't,
I'm having you killed instead. (throws the spider on him)
CASSI: (about Jumanji) Look on the bright side. When the bats come, they'll eat the spiders....
or the spiders will eat the spiders, either way, the spiders get eaten, and if you understand that
one, you're good.
SVEN: (in a flat monotone) Oh look, Fat Butt has come to stop us. Help help. Run for the hills,
save yourself.
MR GLASSES: (answering the ER phone) We're sorry, but this ER is now closed to patients.
We just had a stempede come through the place, and we're advising all our doctors to carry
shotguns from now on.
ROMANO: (about Abby being his and Corday's daughter) Oy, this sucks.
ABBY: Mom! Daddy doesn't LOVE me!
ROMANO: (to Lizzie) I TOLD you to call the adoption agency, but you just wouldn't listen.
GREENE: When gremlins, play with chainsaws, I've learned not to look.
ROMANO: (to Burt) You know, she (Lizzie) still has the vial of healing elixir Cassi gave me.
BURT: (looking at her bikini) Really? Where do you suppose she PUT it?!
IVY: (about Jason Voorhees) I made a NEW FRIEND, and he's the nicest person in the whole
world and my new Knight in Shiney armor!
ROMANO: NO! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
IVY: But he's the nicest man in the whole world, and he's super brainy smart!
ROMANO: I don't care if he was voted nicest psycopathic murderer in his class, GET HIM
OUT OF MY AMBULANCE BAY!!!
MURDOC: And parents worry about what kinds of pets kids bring home in the REAL world!
CHRIS: But Daddy, he followed me home.
ROMANO: Mmm, Crocodile sushi.....
CASSI: (looking at the pool) Just what we need. Croc sushi, with drowned spiders, crispy
gremlins, and a half eaten giant python.
LIZZIE: Well, on the bright side, it took care of most of the spiders....
CHRIS: Yeah, but now there's floaties in the pool.
JIMMY M: I think "floaties" is an understatement.
CASSI: (after Romano kicks all the spiders out) Never underestimate the power of short ex-
surgeons who've recently suffered a psychotic breakdown.
MR. GLASSES: Excuse me, Dr. Jason, might I borrow your large scalpel?
**************************************************************************
Well folks, it's all over.....we'll have new quotes written eventually, and we'll be sure to include
them in the next Breaktime Spoof, that will (as we said) be posted under "Movies/Pirates of
the Carribean".....and Port Royal will never know what hit them........
"It's the end of the world as we know it.....and I feel fine" ^_^
Please don't hesitate to review, and Breaktime Spoofs Strike 3 will be coming SOON!!!!
Thankyou to all of you who reviewed....if I named them all....I'd have to go look them up.
Anyhow, Becca, Deb, Amanda, YeBritishBabe, The Admiral, Matt, and anyone else I
may have forgotten....don't hold it against me, I'm on drugs.....winter is coming.....We love
you all, and please come back for the other spoofs!!!!
--Cassi & Sven