By the time they arrive by the X-Van, Wolverine is in a really bad mood.
Jean has been carrying Spider-Man using her telekinetic abilities, so he
hasn't had to do anything and there hasn't been even a whiff of spilt
blood.
"We got him," Ororo says cheerfully.
"Duh," Jean comments.
"Yay," Charlie cheers. Then he stops. "What do we do with him now?"
Logan grunts in reply.
"What's up with him?" Ororo asks Jean in a hushed whisper.
"Well," she answers importantly, "Katherine's bruised his male ego, and now he probably feels really weak and useless. Not to mention the fact that he's desperate to get at some of Spidey's blood."
Spider-Man tries to shuffle as far away from Logan as possible. Logan just growls at Jean and lights up a cigar. "What do we do now?"
"We have to keep the Spider dude somewhere were he can't escape and can't be rescued, and announce to the world that he will never be seen again, and so we will take his place on all the popularity polls. Kitty, you're good at writing letters, you can do it. Write to a good magazine and tell them."
Katherine sighs. "Okay."
* * * * *
'To the kind editor of Superhero Monthly,
Please print the following article, as it is highly important to the Superhero community and the world in general. You do not have to pay us but we are a little short of money right now so we would appreciate a large cheque, quite a lot. Thank you.
Prof. Charles F. Xavier and the X-Men.'
The article looks like this:
'An important announcement. Perhaps you have been wondering why you haven't heard from your favourite superhero, Spider-Man, recently? There is a good reason for it. We (the X-Men) have kidnapped him. Yes, that's right, the unbeatable has been beaten, which means we take his place on all the statistics! And perhaps now you're wondering who Spider-Man really is. It's time to end the rumours, because I can tell you that he is Peter Parker! Yes, that pathetic useless man is Spider-Man. We're going to be the best superheroes of all time, now he's not there to stop us. As my friend Kurt Wagner says, "ich bin eine Stangetänzerin."
By Dr Katherine Pryde aka Shadowcat, of the X-Men.'
'Good enough,' Katherine thinks. 'Not so formal that complete morons (The Avengers come to mind) can't understand it, and with a hint of revenge for one Peter Parker. And just a tiny bit to show my intelligence, both the foreign language and the doctor part.'
* * * * *
It's a normal day at the X-Mansion. It's Ororo's turn to throw a bucket of scraps down the basement to Peter Parker. Magneto woke up in Charlie's bed this morning, and calmly drank coffee in the kitchen discussing the night before with his old friend. Kurt's in bed. The mail's just come--but there's an abnormally large number of envelopes with his name on it (about forty percent of them are spelt wrongly). Katherine takes the mail up to him, knowing he'll never read it otherwise.
"Morning Kurt!" she says cheerfully, pulling the curtains open. "You got a few letters." She dumps the letters on his quilt and watches him struggle to wake up, sitting on the chair next to his bed.
"Ach, nein," he groans. "Okay..." He sits up. Katherine reminds herself not to stare at him despite the fact that he isn't wearing a shirt. Possibly not anything on the bottom either, she thinks to herself, giggling inwardly. On the outside she just says, "So who are they from?"
He opens the first one. "Erm..." Under the fur on his cheeks, his skin is turning slightly pink. "It's an invite to join a... club."
"Club?" Katherine looks at him, confused.
"It's called..." Kurt tried not to look embarrassed. "Pole dancers of the USA Unite."
"Pole dancers?" Katherine tries to look disapproving but instead ends up snorting with laughter.
"And this one is from the American branch of German Adult Entertainment videos."
Katherine tries to regain a little dignity and holds back the laughter.
"They want me to star in their next film! They want to call it, 'Male Pole dancers'!"
Katherine almost falls off the chair laughing. "Why are they sending you this?"
"Because I..." Kurt looks down at his blue quilt cover. "I told them--'ich bin eine Stangetänzerin'."
"Ich spreche nicht Deutsch," she says impatiently. It's worth noting this is the only German she knows, so technically, it is true.
"It means, 'I am a pole dancer'." Kurt looks guilty now.
"You told me to put that in my article!" Katherine squeals angrily. "You wanted them to think it was me!"
"It was a joke," Kurt says nervously. He's seen Katherine angry before-- namely a week or so ago, when she slapped Peter Parker around the face. "I thought it would be funny, that's all."
"Hmph." Then she stops and bursts out laughing again. "Pole dancing! Oh, you have to tell Charlie about that!"
* * * * *
Life is not so happy for Peter Parker, sat in the basement of the X- Mansion in his underpants with a few buckets for company. "How could they steal my uniform?" he wails to himself. "I made it myself, too!"
"We got him," Ororo says cheerfully.
"Duh," Jean comments.
"Yay," Charlie cheers. Then he stops. "What do we do with him now?"
Logan grunts in reply.
"What's up with him?" Ororo asks Jean in a hushed whisper.
"Well," she answers importantly, "Katherine's bruised his male ego, and now he probably feels really weak and useless. Not to mention the fact that he's desperate to get at some of Spidey's blood."
Spider-Man tries to shuffle as far away from Logan as possible. Logan just growls at Jean and lights up a cigar. "What do we do now?"
"We have to keep the Spider dude somewhere were he can't escape and can't be rescued, and announce to the world that he will never be seen again, and so we will take his place on all the popularity polls. Kitty, you're good at writing letters, you can do it. Write to a good magazine and tell them."
Katherine sighs. "Okay."
* * * * *
'To the kind editor of Superhero Monthly,
Please print the following article, as it is highly important to the Superhero community and the world in general. You do not have to pay us but we are a little short of money right now so we would appreciate a large cheque, quite a lot. Thank you.
Prof. Charles F. Xavier and the X-Men.'
The article looks like this:
'An important announcement. Perhaps you have been wondering why you haven't heard from your favourite superhero, Spider-Man, recently? There is a good reason for it. We (the X-Men) have kidnapped him. Yes, that's right, the unbeatable has been beaten, which means we take his place on all the statistics! And perhaps now you're wondering who Spider-Man really is. It's time to end the rumours, because I can tell you that he is Peter Parker! Yes, that pathetic useless man is Spider-Man. We're going to be the best superheroes of all time, now he's not there to stop us. As my friend Kurt Wagner says, "ich bin eine Stangetänzerin."
By Dr Katherine Pryde aka Shadowcat, of the X-Men.'
'Good enough,' Katherine thinks. 'Not so formal that complete morons (The Avengers come to mind) can't understand it, and with a hint of revenge for one Peter Parker. And just a tiny bit to show my intelligence, both the foreign language and the doctor part.'
* * * * *
It's a normal day at the X-Mansion. It's Ororo's turn to throw a bucket of scraps down the basement to Peter Parker. Magneto woke up in Charlie's bed this morning, and calmly drank coffee in the kitchen discussing the night before with his old friend. Kurt's in bed. The mail's just come--but there's an abnormally large number of envelopes with his name on it (about forty percent of them are spelt wrongly). Katherine takes the mail up to him, knowing he'll never read it otherwise.
"Morning Kurt!" she says cheerfully, pulling the curtains open. "You got a few letters." She dumps the letters on his quilt and watches him struggle to wake up, sitting on the chair next to his bed.
"Ach, nein," he groans. "Okay..." He sits up. Katherine reminds herself not to stare at him despite the fact that he isn't wearing a shirt. Possibly not anything on the bottom either, she thinks to herself, giggling inwardly. On the outside she just says, "So who are they from?"
He opens the first one. "Erm..." Under the fur on his cheeks, his skin is turning slightly pink. "It's an invite to join a... club."
"Club?" Katherine looks at him, confused.
"It's called..." Kurt tried not to look embarrassed. "Pole dancers of the USA Unite."
"Pole dancers?" Katherine tries to look disapproving but instead ends up snorting with laughter.
"And this one is from the American branch of German Adult Entertainment videos."
Katherine tries to regain a little dignity and holds back the laughter.
"They want me to star in their next film! They want to call it, 'Male Pole dancers'!"
Katherine almost falls off the chair laughing. "Why are they sending you this?"
"Because I..." Kurt looks down at his blue quilt cover. "I told them--'ich bin eine Stangetänzerin'."
"Ich spreche nicht Deutsch," she says impatiently. It's worth noting this is the only German she knows, so technically, it is true.
"It means, 'I am a pole dancer'." Kurt looks guilty now.
"You told me to put that in my article!" Katherine squeals angrily. "You wanted them to think it was me!"
"It was a joke," Kurt says nervously. He's seen Katherine angry before-- namely a week or so ago, when she slapped Peter Parker around the face. "I thought it would be funny, that's all."
"Hmph." Then she stops and bursts out laughing again. "Pole dancing! Oh, you have to tell Charlie about that!"
* * * * *
Life is not so happy for Peter Parker, sat in the basement of the X- Mansion in his underpants with a few buckets for company. "How could they steal my uniform?" he wails to himself. "I made it myself, too!"