- Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland -
Angeline shook her head. "I won't stand for it, Tim. Honestly, every girl's dreamt of being a fairy-tale princess -"
"This isn't your wedding, dear."
"But it's Arty's." Angeline picked up a silver brush from her vanity and began using it with swift, short strokes. "He deserves -"
"He wants this. Sweetheart, you can start your relationship with your daughter-in-law on shaky ground or you can swallow your pride and just be happy that they're happy." Artemis Senior took his wife's shoulders. "Hmm?"
She sighed. "I just can't stand for something like this, Tim, and you know it."
He sighed. This was not going at all the way he had wanted. . . .
Below them Kip was sitting in the window seat of the den, fiddling nervously with the hem of her shirt. "I'm causing a problem, aren't I?"
"No, you're not," Artemis Junior said emphatically, turning away from another solitaire game.
She shook her head. "I am. Your mother's mad because I won't accept what she had planned."
"And I'm glad you won't, 'cause I wasn't all that crazy about her idea, anyway," he said firmly.
"She's mad."
"It's not her wedding."
"You heard her as well as I did: she said she won't come." Kip sighed, closing her eyes.
"Kip. She's a mother. It's her job to come and bawl her eyes out because her little baby's all grown up. Trust me: she's coming. She can't stop us, especially not when we have Butler on our side." He smiled at her, trying to be reassuring while all the while worrying he was not succeeding.
Artemis Fowl Senior knocked on the door. "You look like WWIII would be a nice vacation," Kip said sullenly.
"Hah, hah; love you too." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Did you see the invitations she'd had ready?"
His son snatched the folded bit of expensive paper from his father's hand, taking it over so Kip could see it as well. "Tell me that's not real gold for the writing," she murmured.
"Twenty-four carat," her soon-to-be-father-in-law said apologetically.
"And that picture . . ." Artemis Junior winced. "It's a little personal."
"Oh, don't worry, it's on all of them," his father assured him with false cheer. "All three hundred."
"Three hundred?" Kip blinked. "Do we even know that many people?"
"Considering our guest list includes a total of six . . ." Her fiancé trailed off.
"And what were you considering for an invitation?" Artemis Senior wanted to know.
Kip spread her arms. "It walks, it talks -"
"And it looks pretty damn good, too," Artemis finished.
She blushed. "Thanks. I try."
Artemis Senior nodded slowly. "You go on and ask the other two. Angeline and I will be there by the big day."
Even his son looked a bit doubtful. "Dad, that gives you about a week."
"She'll be there," was the grim response. "Even if I have to leave without her, she'll come flying in at the last moment as if she were with us all along."
Butler appeared in the doorway. "The plane is ready when you are, Master Artemis."
"Is Mulch there already?" He was Kip's third guest, Artemis' being, of course, Butler himself.
"Yes ma'am."
Artemis Senior saw the hesitation on their faces. "Go," he urged softly. "You owe it to yourselves. We'll be there."
"Thank you." Kip gave him an impulsive hug as she past him.
"No thanks needed," he assured her. "Just keep my son happy." He winked.
"Lifelong grantee," Artemis Junior said with a gin, taking her hand. "Come on; we've a wedding to plan." They left.
Artemis Senior smiled, shaking his head slightly. "Ah, to be young and in love. You keep them in line, Butler."
"Yes, sir," the big man replied, throwing a mock salute before turning on his heel and going after them.
From up in her room Angeline parted the lace curtains, watching with no expression as she saw her son, laughing, twirl Kip around and catch her up in a kiss before disappearing around the corner of the house.
- Minnesota, the Middle of Nowhere -
"I see you're back." Joe smiled, wiping his hands on a towel and giving Kip a gruff hug. "We missed you, kid."
"Missed you too." Kip turned to Liz and gave her a hug as well. "I'd like to talk to the two of you when you have a minute."
"We have as long as you want," Joe proclaimed, taking off his apron, throwing over a hook, and leading them to a corner booth. "Drinks on the house," he said with a grin and they ordered from a new waitress, one Kip didn't know. "That's Sherry," he informed her. "Came to replace you. Sort of."
"No one can replace you," Liz said earnestly.
Kip smiled, rather embarrassed. "Thanks."
Joe rested his chin in his hand. "So. Find your father."
She seemed a bit taken off guard. "Well - yes, actually. I finally did."
"What's he like?" Liz popped a bubble with her gum.
She shrugged. "Kind of a surprise. Look, Joe, Liz - I'm getting married next week."
Liz grabbed her hand, sitting up straight. "To that man's nephew?"
"Yes. And Artemis and I wanted a small wedding, just six guests. We each invited our closets friends and our - our parents." She looked back and forth between the two of them. "And I really hope you'll come."
Joe blinked. "Us?"
"Me?" Liz raised her eyebrows high up into her hair. "But I thought you said you'd found your father."
"Yeah. I did." Kip smiled at Joe. "I found he'd be waiting for me when I came home."
"You want me to give you away." Joe was still in shock.
"Yes. I do."
His face broke into the largest smile imaginable. "You bet I will. And we'll all come back her for the reception! If it's all right with your fiancé," he added hastily.
"It will be." Kip was smiling, too. "Just wait 'til you meet him! And Butler, and his parents . . . they're amazing, especially his dad."
Liz had on the largest, most lipsticked grin possible, though tears were threatening her mascara. "You deserve to be happy."
And Joe sighed, handing them paper napkins as they laughed through their tears.
* * * * *
The knock on the door of apartment 2B was answered with a smile and a "You're not supposed to be here."
"I'm not supposed to see you tomorrow before the wedding," Artemis corrected. "No one said anything about the night before."
"You're supposed to be out having some wild bachelor party that would make the nuns faint dead away." Kip grinned, still not moving enough to let him in.
His smile was a tad more devilish. "You mean we can't do something here that would achieve the same result?"
"Artemis Fowl the Second!" Laughing, Kip moved aside.
He caught her as the door shut, running his fingers lightly along her cheek. "Narda."
She caught his hand, kissing it as she held his eyes. "I can't believe it's tomorrow."
"If you say it's too soon I might be forced to take drastic measures," he threatened, kissing her soundly.
"I can take anything you throw at me," she countered when she pulled away before he was satisfied.
"Hmm." He pulled her into a hug, resting his head against her own. "Chocolate chips and mayonnaise."
Her laughter was the answer he was seeking and he almost didn't want to cut it off by kissing her again. Almost.
* * * * *
- From the files of Prof. J. Argon, Brotherhood of Physiologists Commissioned by the Lower Elements Police -
The marriage of Chix's daughter and the Mud Man once considered the worst enemy of the People took place on June 21 in a city hall in the middle of nowhere, someplace in Minnesota. Mrs. Fowl came in last minute with twelve handkerchiefs at the ready, though she could not be convinced to participate in the karaoke that took place at the truck stop café after the ceremony.
Mr. and Mrs. Fowl the Second took off on their honeymoon the next morning. Every hotel they used held a record of two rooms: one for the newlyweds and one for a Mr. Butler and his midget brother.
I would close this report with "And they lived happily ever after," but one does not become a professor by making false judgments. Such a statement would presume that this is the last we will ever hear from the Fowls, and I highly doubt we will ever be safely able to assume that.
Angeline shook her head. "I won't stand for it, Tim. Honestly, every girl's dreamt of being a fairy-tale princess -"
"This isn't your wedding, dear."
"But it's Arty's." Angeline picked up a silver brush from her vanity and began using it with swift, short strokes. "He deserves -"
"He wants this. Sweetheart, you can start your relationship with your daughter-in-law on shaky ground or you can swallow your pride and just be happy that they're happy." Artemis Senior took his wife's shoulders. "Hmm?"
She sighed. "I just can't stand for something like this, Tim, and you know it."
He sighed. This was not going at all the way he had wanted. . . .
Below them Kip was sitting in the window seat of the den, fiddling nervously with the hem of her shirt. "I'm causing a problem, aren't I?"
"No, you're not," Artemis Junior said emphatically, turning away from another solitaire game.
She shook her head. "I am. Your mother's mad because I won't accept what she had planned."
"And I'm glad you won't, 'cause I wasn't all that crazy about her idea, anyway," he said firmly.
"She's mad."
"It's not her wedding."
"You heard her as well as I did: she said she won't come." Kip sighed, closing her eyes.
"Kip. She's a mother. It's her job to come and bawl her eyes out because her little baby's all grown up. Trust me: she's coming. She can't stop us, especially not when we have Butler on our side." He smiled at her, trying to be reassuring while all the while worrying he was not succeeding.
Artemis Fowl Senior knocked on the door. "You look like WWIII would be a nice vacation," Kip said sullenly.
"Hah, hah; love you too." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Did you see the invitations she'd had ready?"
His son snatched the folded bit of expensive paper from his father's hand, taking it over so Kip could see it as well. "Tell me that's not real gold for the writing," she murmured.
"Twenty-four carat," her soon-to-be-father-in-law said apologetically.
"And that picture . . ." Artemis Junior winced. "It's a little personal."
"Oh, don't worry, it's on all of them," his father assured him with false cheer. "All three hundred."
"Three hundred?" Kip blinked. "Do we even know that many people?"
"Considering our guest list includes a total of six . . ." Her fiancé trailed off.
"And what were you considering for an invitation?" Artemis Senior wanted to know.
Kip spread her arms. "It walks, it talks -"
"And it looks pretty damn good, too," Artemis finished.
She blushed. "Thanks. I try."
Artemis Senior nodded slowly. "You go on and ask the other two. Angeline and I will be there by the big day."
Even his son looked a bit doubtful. "Dad, that gives you about a week."
"She'll be there," was the grim response. "Even if I have to leave without her, she'll come flying in at the last moment as if she were with us all along."
Butler appeared in the doorway. "The plane is ready when you are, Master Artemis."
"Is Mulch there already?" He was Kip's third guest, Artemis' being, of course, Butler himself.
"Yes ma'am."
Artemis Senior saw the hesitation on their faces. "Go," he urged softly. "You owe it to yourselves. We'll be there."
"Thank you." Kip gave him an impulsive hug as she past him.
"No thanks needed," he assured her. "Just keep my son happy." He winked.
"Lifelong grantee," Artemis Junior said with a gin, taking her hand. "Come on; we've a wedding to plan." They left.
Artemis Senior smiled, shaking his head slightly. "Ah, to be young and in love. You keep them in line, Butler."
"Yes, sir," the big man replied, throwing a mock salute before turning on his heel and going after them.
From up in her room Angeline parted the lace curtains, watching with no expression as she saw her son, laughing, twirl Kip around and catch her up in a kiss before disappearing around the corner of the house.
- Minnesota, the Middle of Nowhere -
"I see you're back." Joe smiled, wiping his hands on a towel and giving Kip a gruff hug. "We missed you, kid."
"Missed you too." Kip turned to Liz and gave her a hug as well. "I'd like to talk to the two of you when you have a minute."
"We have as long as you want," Joe proclaimed, taking off his apron, throwing over a hook, and leading them to a corner booth. "Drinks on the house," he said with a grin and they ordered from a new waitress, one Kip didn't know. "That's Sherry," he informed her. "Came to replace you. Sort of."
"No one can replace you," Liz said earnestly.
Kip smiled, rather embarrassed. "Thanks."
Joe rested his chin in his hand. "So. Find your father."
She seemed a bit taken off guard. "Well - yes, actually. I finally did."
"What's he like?" Liz popped a bubble with her gum.
She shrugged. "Kind of a surprise. Look, Joe, Liz - I'm getting married next week."
Liz grabbed her hand, sitting up straight. "To that man's nephew?"
"Yes. And Artemis and I wanted a small wedding, just six guests. We each invited our closets friends and our - our parents." She looked back and forth between the two of them. "And I really hope you'll come."
Joe blinked. "Us?"
"Me?" Liz raised her eyebrows high up into her hair. "But I thought you said you'd found your father."
"Yeah. I did." Kip smiled at Joe. "I found he'd be waiting for me when I came home."
"You want me to give you away." Joe was still in shock.
"Yes. I do."
His face broke into the largest smile imaginable. "You bet I will. And we'll all come back her for the reception! If it's all right with your fiancé," he added hastily.
"It will be." Kip was smiling, too. "Just wait 'til you meet him! And Butler, and his parents . . . they're amazing, especially his dad."
Liz had on the largest, most lipsticked grin possible, though tears were threatening her mascara. "You deserve to be happy."
And Joe sighed, handing them paper napkins as they laughed through their tears.
* * * * *
The knock on the door of apartment 2B was answered with a smile and a "You're not supposed to be here."
"I'm not supposed to see you tomorrow before the wedding," Artemis corrected. "No one said anything about the night before."
"You're supposed to be out having some wild bachelor party that would make the nuns faint dead away." Kip grinned, still not moving enough to let him in.
His smile was a tad more devilish. "You mean we can't do something here that would achieve the same result?"
"Artemis Fowl the Second!" Laughing, Kip moved aside.
He caught her as the door shut, running his fingers lightly along her cheek. "Narda."
She caught his hand, kissing it as she held his eyes. "I can't believe it's tomorrow."
"If you say it's too soon I might be forced to take drastic measures," he threatened, kissing her soundly.
"I can take anything you throw at me," she countered when she pulled away before he was satisfied.
"Hmm." He pulled her into a hug, resting his head against her own. "Chocolate chips and mayonnaise."
Her laughter was the answer he was seeking and he almost didn't want to cut it off by kissing her again. Almost.
* * * * *
- From the files of Prof. J. Argon, Brotherhood of Physiologists Commissioned by the Lower Elements Police -
The marriage of Chix's daughter and the Mud Man once considered the worst enemy of the People took place on June 21 in a city hall in the middle of nowhere, someplace in Minnesota. Mrs. Fowl came in last minute with twelve handkerchiefs at the ready, though she could not be convinced to participate in the karaoke that took place at the truck stop café after the ceremony.
Mr. and Mrs. Fowl the Second took off on their honeymoon the next morning. Every hotel they used held a record of two rooms: one for the newlyweds and one for a Mr. Butler and his midget brother.
I would close this report with "And they lived happily ever after," but one does not become a professor by making false judgments. Such a statement would presume that this is the last we will ever hear from the Fowls, and I highly doubt we will ever be safely able to assume that.