It's half six in the morning. Kurt is asleep, snoring loudly. Ororo is
also snoring in Jean's room, but in a more delicate, ladylike and less
German way. Jean has her head under a pillow to block the noise out,
dreaming of Care Bears. Charlie and Maggie are both worn out (let's not go
into detail as to why) and are asleep in Charlie's room. Katherine is
curled up awkwardly, a couple of blue hairs on the sheets next to her.
Logan is dreaming of Jean and Katherine. Rogue is already up, preparing for
their first day as proper superheroes. She's had her breakfast and she's
now preparing to let off the siren to awaken everyone else.
Kurt gives a yell of pain as his elf-like ears are filled with the howl of the siren.
"Nein, nein, nein, damit!" he wails. He gives in when it doesn't relent and sits up, pulls on a pair of boxer shorts and then bamfs down to the kitchen in the hope that someone will be making bacon sandwiches.
"Oh good, you're up," says Rogue. "But Ah think you should be in your uniform by now."
Kurt responds with a blank look.
"We're proper superheroes now! You have to look the part and be ready, all the time. Ah suppose you can have breakfast first."
Jean and Ororo stick their heads round the door. Jean looks confused, Ororo just really, really angry.
"Oh good, you're here as well. Ah've sorted out breakfast--oatmeal for everyone, and then there's a rota for washing the dishes afterwards."
"Washing?" Jean asks in disbelief. "We've never done that. Ever. Well, since Maggie's been here he's done it once or twice, but normally we just buy new dishes."
"No!" Rogue orders. "We're doing it properly. Hurry up and sit down while we wait for everyone else."
There's a big wooden table in the centre of the kitchen, easily big enough for all the X-Men but usually covered in rubbish. Luckily Maggie's spring- cleaning obsessions came in at just the right time. Kurt, Jean and Ororo sit. Logan slides in through the door and settles down on one of the chairs. He looks ready to kill.
"We're missing Katherine, Charlie and Maggie," Rogue says, mentally checking them off. Just then, all three of them trudge in (well, Charlie rolls in) and sit down with everyone else. Maggie doesn't seem to be awake yet and Charlie gives a huge yawn.
"Ah've made enough breakfast for everyone. And then tomorrow is Magneto's turn, and then Wolverine, and then Nightcrawler's... well, the rota's on the noticeboard so you can check when your day is." She begins handing round the bowls to everyone. Kurt looks at his in disgust. "Right, and when you've finished your breakfast, it's Jean's turn to clean up and the rest of you need to put your uniforms on, and then we start our advertising campaign. Any questions?"
Jean waves her hand like a flag. "Yes. Is this supposed to be fun or an army camp?"
Rogue glares at her. "You need discipline to be a good team."
Charlie puts his hand up. "Who died and made you leader?"
"You need someone who's an experienced and qualified leader. Like me."
Charlie snorts but since he sees her point he says nothing.
"So eat quickly, because you need to get down to the changing rooms within the next fifteen minutes so we can start on the fliers by..." she stares at her watch. "Seven."
There's a huge snore from the table. Kurt's fallen asleep into his bowl.
"Nightcrawler!" Rogue yells, and blasts a whistle that's hanging around her neck. "Wake up and eat your breakfast!"
Kurt howls. "Can't I have bacon?" He starts trying to pick his breakfast out of his fur and his fur out of his breakfast.
"No!" Rogue yells, and blows into the whistle again. "You have to be in shape. You have to get fit! Kurt, are you listening to me?"
He's not. He's asleep again. Katherine nudges him.
"Vah-vas?" Kurt wakes up with a jump. "Oh. Right. No bacon."
* * * * *
By eight, everyone's just about ready to start. Jean only broke four bowls and a glass, and she managed to work out a telekinetic washing system in the end, which saved her getting her hands wet. Kurt's fallen asleep on three more occasions, and Rogue's nearly deafened everyone with her whistle. But they make their way into the sitting room. Kurt, Katherine and Maggie take the sofa, Jean and Ororo in the armchairs, Charlie in his wheelchair, Logan on a beanbag on the floor and Rogue standing up, still commanding. "We need a group photo to put on our fliers," she says importantly. "Have you got any?"
"Oh, loads," Katherine replies. "But in most of them, Kurt's pulling a face, in one Logan's picking his nose, Ororo and Jean wouldn't break lips long enough to look at the camera, etc etc. Besides, you and Maggie aren't in any of them."
"Right, well, someone needs to find a camera with a timer on it. Charlie, d'you have one?"
* * * * *
By lunchtime, there's a semi-decent flier assembled with a photo of the team, a quick list of what they can do, and their phone number, and it's been photocopied six hundred and ninety-nine times. Rogue announces that the afternoon's work will be putting the fliers up where people can find them and Kurt's stomach announces that he's hungry. So Rogue relents and allows them to have a lunch break.
Plan one, on Rogue's Day One Plan says that lunch is ham sandwiches, but Katherine protests on grounds of vegetarianism. Kurt protests on grounds of boringism. In the end, Rogue has a ham sandwich, Charlie has a ham and banana sandwich, Katherine has cheese, Logan has four times as much ham as anyone else, Maggie has banana, Jean has lettuce ("I need to diet" Jean insists), Ororo has peanut butter and Kurt has everything he can lay his blue two-fingered hands on. Which happens to be ham, cheese, banana, lettuce, raspberry yoghurt, tomatoes, bacon, ketchup, salad cream, peanut butter, chocolate sauce and cold baked beans.
"How can you EAT that?" Katherine asks in both awe and disgust.
"Es ist toll!" Kurt insists. "The more ingredients the better. I call it 'The Wagner'."
"Can I try it?" Charlie asks. He does. And he's not as keen as Kurt. In fact, he gives it back to Kurt muttering, "You're welcome to it."
"Yippee," Kurt says happily.
"Hurry up," Rogue demands. She's already eaten hers and has put the plate by the sink for Charlie to clean up. While Charlie does his chores everyone else is to go out and get rid of a hundred fliers somehow, whether it be on notice boards, windows, lampposts or letterboxes. Kurt's already planning to find a trashcan somewhere to dump them in, and then sneak off for an ice cream/nap.
Kurt... Jean warns psychically. Rogue's bound to catch you sneaking off, and besides, I want to go to the ice cream place.
Aber I can't do that much work! I want ice cream!
So, you wanna sneak off with me?
That sounds like a date, Kurt thinks to himself. And Jean, of course, hears.
Nahhh, not really. And I won't tell Katherine if you don't tell Ororo.
Okay then, ja.
Both of them jump as a third voice goes, planning something?
Charlie! Jean squeals mentally, and Rogue stares at them.
"What are you up to?" she asks, putting on her best I-Am-Not-Amused face. "Are you planning something?"
Power trip, power trip, Jean mumbles, aiming towards everyone except Rogue.
* * * * *
Five minutes after Rogue sent everyone off, Jean and Kurt meet up outside the ice cream parlour. Kurt's wearing sunglasses.
What's the point in the shades, Kurt? Jean inquires, too tired to open her mouth to talk.
"So no one will recognise me," Kurt whispers secretively. "Where can I dump these?"
He dumps the fliers in the nearest trashcan and puts someone's Chinese takeaway on top, so Rogue can't find them. Then they walk casually in.
Jean gets a fairly normal sundae, but Kurt goes for a couple of scoops of every type of ice cream they have, with a squirt of every sauce and a little of every other topping they have too. Then he stirs it all up with his spoon until it's a vaguely brown-blue-ish colour.
"Kurt, do you have to eat like that?" Jean asks nervously. "Especially in public."
"Shhh!" Kurt hisses. "Don't let people hear you, you know what they're like. If anyone realises it's me, there'll be a mob of fans drooling on the table!"
This better?
Much. Danke. The sunglasses must be working, no one's noticed me yet. Not even Fred.
Fred is George the baker's brother. He runs the ice cream place, and, just like George, he's Italian. Well, slightly Italian.
Fred doesn't notice anything. He didn't even notice my new shoes!
I did. They're beautiful, Jean.
Jean giggles both psychically and out loud. Thank you.
The problem with speaking through thoughts, Kurt finds, is that Jean doesn't give you a chance to plan what you want to say. She just listens to everything. So are you, Jean. Oops, I didn't mean to think that.
Thank you, Kurt. You smell wonderful you know, has anyone ever told you that?
Ja, all the time. Logan calls it "essence of bamf".
Is that what it is? Sulphur?
Amongst a few other things, ja.
I love it!
Danke schön, Jeanie. Kurt feels awkward. He pretend-flirts with Jean all the time, but this is different. This isn't just about watching Jean get changed. And Jean has Ororo and Kurt has Katherine. Das ist nicht richtig, Jean.
Be cool, 'Crawler. We're just friends, that's all. Enjoying ice cream. Want a bit of mine?
Ja, Kurt replies greedily. Jean leans over and spoon-feeds it to him herself.
The word "slut" vaguely crosses Kurt's mind for about a milli-second.
Are you calling me names, Wagner?
Nein, Jeanie. Of course not. You're just too beautiful for your own good, that's all.
Jean blushes. Thanks, Kurt.
I was thinking of bamfing back and taking a nap for the rest of the afternoon, if that's okay.
Can I come? Jean teases.
Kurt goes red. Well, purple, by the time you see through his fur. You want to leave now, bamf off, "forget" to pay?
The best plan you've had in ages, 'Crawler Boy. Let's go. She grabs onto Kurt's hand under the table and they bamf back to the mansion together.
"You can let go of my hand, you know," Kurt suggests gently, when they arrive in his room.
"Yes, I know," she says absently, stroking his furry fingers.
"Stop it, Jean," he says warningly.
"Stop what?" she asks innocently. "No one will know, Kurt, and you know you want to..."
"No!" Kurt screeches. "No, Jean, no, stop it, stop, stop now Jean!"
She just giggles. "It's alright Kurt, the others won't be back for at least three hours."
"Well..."
"I'm psychic, Kurt, I know exactly what you're thinking about..."
Lobsters, Kurt thinks. Just lobsters. Nothing else. Lobsters.
* * * * *
Katherine drags herself along, carrying the fliers, Ororo at her side. "I bet Jean dumped her fliers somewhere and went off to mess about," Ororo sighs.
"I'm sure she wouldn't do that," Katherine assures her. "Rogue would kill her if she found out." She stops to tape a flier to a lamppost. "Kurt's bound to have gone back home to sleep, though."
"Yeah, stupid blue dude," Ororo says, stamping her foot. "I want to be lazy! I'm sick of fliers!" She throws the pile up into the air, and they rain down on them. "Hey, that was fun, let me try it with yours!" She grabs Katherine's fliers and throws them in the air, running down the street. Katherine sighs and then runs after her.
"Where are you going, Ororo?" Katherine yells, trying to keep up.
"Don't have a clue," Ororo yells back happily. "You coming though?"
"Yeah, why not?"
Ororo stops when she reaches a dead end at the end of the street. Katherine stops, short of breath and her heart thudding, just behind her.
"What now?" asks Ororo.
"Beats me." Katherine knows Ororo is being childish (so what's new?) and she shouldn't be following her but she does anyway. The street's deserted.
"I know," Ororo says spontaneously. "Erm, Katherine... oh, you said you've always been straight, didn't you?"
"Yes," Katherine hears her voice saying. "That's what I thought, then."
"Is that a hint?" Ororo asks hopefully. "Because I..." She takes hold of Katherine's hands very gently, and pulls her closer. "This is only a one- off thing, but if you want to..."
"Ah, what the hell," Katherine says, throwing herself at Ororo and attaching herself to her at the lips.
----------------------------------------------------------
Fair's fair, isn't it? Now Kurt, Jean, Ororo and Katherine won't have to feel any guilt whatsoever.
Kurt gives a yell of pain as his elf-like ears are filled with the howl of the siren.
"Nein, nein, nein, damit!" he wails. He gives in when it doesn't relent and sits up, pulls on a pair of boxer shorts and then bamfs down to the kitchen in the hope that someone will be making bacon sandwiches.
"Oh good, you're up," says Rogue. "But Ah think you should be in your uniform by now."
Kurt responds with a blank look.
"We're proper superheroes now! You have to look the part and be ready, all the time. Ah suppose you can have breakfast first."
Jean and Ororo stick their heads round the door. Jean looks confused, Ororo just really, really angry.
"Oh good, you're here as well. Ah've sorted out breakfast--oatmeal for everyone, and then there's a rota for washing the dishes afterwards."
"Washing?" Jean asks in disbelief. "We've never done that. Ever. Well, since Maggie's been here he's done it once or twice, but normally we just buy new dishes."
"No!" Rogue orders. "We're doing it properly. Hurry up and sit down while we wait for everyone else."
There's a big wooden table in the centre of the kitchen, easily big enough for all the X-Men but usually covered in rubbish. Luckily Maggie's spring- cleaning obsessions came in at just the right time. Kurt, Jean and Ororo sit. Logan slides in through the door and settles down on one of the chairs. He looks ready to kill.
"We're missing Katherine, Charlie and Maggie," Rogue says, mentally checking them off. Just then, all three of them trudge in (well, Charlie rolls in) and sit down with everyone else. Maggie doesn't seem to be awake yet and Charlie gives a huge yawn.
"Ah've made enough breakfast for everyone. And then tomorrow is Magneto's turn, and then Wolverine, and then Nightcrawler's... well, the rota's on the noticeboard so you can check when your day is." She begins handing round the bowls to everyone. Kurt looks at his in disgust. "Right, and when you've finished your breakfast, it's Jean's turn to clean up and the rest of you need to put your uniforms on, and then we start our advertising campaign. Any questions?"
Jean waves her hand like a flag. "Yes. Is this supposed to be fun or an army camp?"
Rogue glares at her. "You need discipline to be a good team."
Charlie puts his hand up. "Who died and made you leader?"
"You need someone who's an experienced and qualified leader. Like me."
Charlie snorts but since he sees her point he says nothing.
"So eat quickly, because you need to get down to the changing rooms within the next fifteen minutes so we can start on the fliers by..." she stares at her watch. "Seven."
There's a huge snore from the table. Kurt's fallen asleep into his bowl.
"Nightcrawler!" Rogue yells, and blasts a whistle that's hanging around her neck. "Wake up and eat your breakfast!"
Kurt howls. "Can't I have bacon?" He starts trying to pick his breakfast out of his fur and his fur out of his breakfast.
"No!" Rogue yells, and blows into the whistle again. "You have to be in shape. You have to get fit! Kurt, are you listening to me?"
He's not. He's asleep again. Katherine nudges him.
"Vah-vas?" Kurt wakes up with a jump. "Oh. Right. No bacon."
* * * * *
By eight, everyone's just about ready to start. Jean only broke four bowls and a glass, and she managed to work out a telekinetic washing system in the end, which saved her getting her hands wet. Kurt's fallen asleep on three more occasions, and Rogue's nearly deafened everyone with her whistle. But they make their way into the sitting room. Kurt, Katherine and Maggie take the sofa, Jean and Ororo in the armchairs, Charlie in his wheelchair, Logan on a beanbag on the floor and Rogue standing up, still commanding. "We need a group photo to put on our fliers," she says importantly. "Have you got any?"
"Oh, loads," Katherine replies. "But in most of them, Kurt's pulling a face, in one Logan's picking his nose, Ororo and Jean wouldn't break lips long enough to look at the camera, etc etc. Besides, you and Maggie aren't in any of them."
"Right, well, someone needs to find a camera with a timer on it. Charlie, d'you have one?"
* * * * *
By lunchtime, there's a semi-decent flier assembled with a photo of the team, a quick list of what they can do, and their phone number, and it's been photocopied six hundred and ninety-nine times. Rogue announces that the afternoon's work will be putting the fliers up where people can find them and Kurt's stomach announces that he's hungry. So Rogue relents and allows them to have a lunch break.
Plan one, on Rogue's Day One Plan says that lunch is ham sandwiches, but Katherine protests on grounds of vegetarianism. Kurt protests on grounds of boringism. In the end, Rogue has a ham sandwich, Charlie has a ham and banana sandwich, Katherine has cheese, Logan has four times as much ham as anyone else, Maggie has banana, Jean has lettuce ("I need to diet" Jean insists), Ororo has peanut butter and Kurt has everything he can lay his blue two-fingered hands on. Which happens to be ham, cheese, banana, lettuce, raspberry yoghurt, tomatoes, bacon, ketchup, salad cream, peanut butter, chocolate sauce and cold baked beans.
"How can you EAT that?" Katherine asks in both awe and disgust.
"Es ist toll!" Kurt insists. "The more ingredients the better. I call it 'The Wagner'."
"Can I try it?" Charlie asks. He does. And he's not as keen as Kurt. In fact, he gives it back to Kurt muttering, "You're welcome to it."
"Yippee," Kurt says happily.
"Hurry up," Rogue demands. She's already eaten hers and has put the plate by the sink for Charlie to clean up. While Charlie does his chores everyone else is to go out and get rid of a hundred fliers somehow, whether it be on notice boards, windows, lampposts or letterboxes. Kurt's already planning to find a trashcan somewhere to dump them in, and then sneak off for an ice cream/nap.
Kurt... Jean warns psychically. Rogue's bound to catch you sneaking off, and besides, I want to go to the ice cream place.
Aber I can't do that much work! I want ice cream!
So, you wanna sneak off with me?
That sounds like a date, Kurt thinks to himself. And Jean, of course, hears.
Nahhh, not really. And I won't tell Katherine if you don't tell Ororo.
Okay then, ja.
Both of them jump as a third voice goes, planning something?
Charlie! Jean squeals mentally, and Rogue stares at them.
"What are you up to?" she asks, putting on her best I-Am-Not-Amused face. "Are you planning something?"
Power trip, power trip, Jean mumbles, aiming towards everyone except Rogue.
* * * * *
Five minutes after Rogue sent everyone off, Jean and Kurt meet up outside the ice cream parlour. Kurt's wearing sunglasses.
What's the point in the shades, Kurt? Jean inquires, too tired to open her mouth to talk.
"So no one will recognise me," Kurt whispers secretively. "Where can I dump these?"
He dumps the fliers in the nearest trashcan and puts someone's Chinese takeaway on top, so Rogue can't find them. Then they walk casually in.
Jean gets a fairly normal sundae, but Kurt goes for a couple of scoops of every type of ice cream they have, with a squirt of every sauce and a little of every other topping they have too. Then he stirs it all up with his spoon until it's a vaguely brown-blue-ish colour.
"Kurt, do you have to eat like that?" Jean asks nervously. "Especially in public."
"Shhh!" Kurt hisses. "Don't let people hear you, you know what they're like. If anyone realises it's me, there'll be a mob of fans drooling on the table!"
This better?
Much. Danke. The sunglasses must be working, no one's noticed me yet. Not even Fred.
Fred is George the baker's brother. He runs the ice cream place, and, just like George, he's Italian. Well, slightly Italian.
Fred doesn't notice anything. He didn't even notice my new shoes!
I did. They're beautiful, Jean.
Jean giggles both psychically and out loud. Thank you.
The problem with speaking through thoughts, Kurt finds, is that Jean doesn't give you a chance to plan what you want to say. She just listens to everything. So are you, Jean. Oops, I didn't mean to think that.
Thank you, Kurt. You smell wonderful you know, has anyone ever told you that?
Ja, all the time. Logan calls it "essence of bamf".
Is that what it is? Sulphur?
Amongst a few other things, ja.
I love it!
Danke schön, Jeanie. Kurt feels awkward. He pretend-flirts with Jean all the time, but this is different. This isn't just about watching Jean get changed. And Jean has Ororo and Kurt has Katherine. Das ist nicht richtig, Jean.
Be cool, 'Crawler. We're just friends, that's all. Enjoying ice cream. Want a bit of mine?
Ja, Kurt replies greedily. Jean leans over and spoon-feeds it to him herself.
The word "slut" vaguely crosses Kurt's mind for about a milli-second.
Are you calling me names, Wagner?
Nein, Jeanie. Of course not. You're just too beautiful for your own good, that's all.
Jean blushes. Thanks, Kurt.
I was thinking of bamfing back and taking a nap for the rest of the afternoon, if that's okay.
Can I come? Jean teases.
Kurt goes red. Well, purple, by the time you see through his fur. You want to leave now, bamf off, "forget" to pay?
The best plan you've had in ages, 'Crawler Boy. Let's go. She grabs onto Kurt's hand under the table and they bamf back to the mansion together.
"You can let go of my hand, you know," Kurt suggests gently, when they arrive in his room.
"Yes, I know," she says absently, stroking his furry fingers.
"Stop it, Jean," he says warningly.
"Stop what?" she asks innocently. "No one will know, Kurt, and you know you want to..."
"No!" Kurt screeches. "No, Jean, no, stop it, stop, stop now Jean!"
She just giggles. "It's alright Kurt, the others won't be back for at least three hours."
"Well..."
"I'm psychic, Kurt, I know exactly what you're thinking about..."
Lobsters, Kurt thinks. Just lobsters. Nothing else. Lobsters.
* * * * *
Katherine drags herself along, carrying the fliers, Ororo at her side. "I bet Jean dumped her fliers somewhere and went off to mess about," Ororo sighs.
"I'm sure she wouldn't do that," Katherine assures her. "Rogue would kill her if she found out." She stops to tape a flier to a lamppost. "Kurt's bound to have gone back home to sleep, though."
"Yeah, stupid blue dude," Ororo says, stamping her foot. "I want to be lazy! I'm sick of fliers!" She throws the pile up into the air, and they rain down on them. "Hey, that was fun, let me try it with yours!" She grabs Katherine's fliers and throws them in the air, running down the street. Katherine sighs and then runs after her.
"Where are you going, Ororo?" Katherine yells, trying to keep up.
"Don't have a clue," Ororo yells back happily. "You coming though?"
"Yeah, why not?"
Ororo stops when she reaches a dead end at the end of the street. Katherine stops, short of breath and her heart thudding, just behind her.
"What now?" asks Ororo.
"Beats me." Katherine knows Ororo is being childish (so what's new?) and she shouldn't be following her but she does anyway. The street's deserted.
"I know," Ororo says spontaneously. "Erm, Katherine... oh, you said you've always been straight, didn't you?"
"Yes," Katherine hears her voice saying. "That's what I thought, then."
"Is that a hint?" Ororo asks hopefully. "Because I..." She takes hold of Katherine's hands very gently, and pulls her closer. "This is only a one- off thing, but if you want to..."
"Ah, what the hell," Katherine says, throwing herself at Ororo and attaching herself to her at the lips.
----------------------------------------------------------
Fair's fair, isn't it? Now Kurt, Jean, Ororo and Katherine won't have to feel any guilt whatsoever.