"Mr Logan, Sir, could I have another drink of water, please?"
"For the love of God... Pietro Maximoff, it's two in the morning. Some of us are trying to get some sleep."
"But I can't sleep unless I have another drink!"
"Tough," Logan mumbles. He's still angry that Charlie decided the twins should sleep in his room, and that Wanda should get his bed while he sleeps on the floor. Wanda's making little angry growling noises in her sleep, and occasionally punching the pillow.
"My dad will be angry if you're not nice to me," Pietro whines. "I just want a drink. Please."
"Alright! Alright!" Logan heaves himself upright. "Don't touch anything while I'm gone."
* * * * *
"Mr Logan, your lamp's broken. And I found some really weird things in your drawer."
"PIETRO!" Logan roars. "I told you not to touch anything! Now here's your drink. Now drink it, shut up, and go to sleep."
Five minutes pass. Then, "Mr Logan, could you show me where your bathroom is? I really need to go."
* * * * *
"No more babysitting! Ever again!" Logan howls, hurling bacon into his mouth. The whole household have got together for breakfast, except Kurt, who has mysteriously disappeared.
"I'd always have thought you were secretly a naturally paternal person, Logan," Katherine says, only half teasing. She's neatly spooning up cornflakes.
"Kids are brats. The sooner they grow up the better," Logan growls, attacking the bacon with his claw and almost slicing the plate in half too.
Pietro's sat next to his father, eating exactly the same thing as him, in the same way. Maggie glares at him slightly, but he ignores it. Wanda, on the other hand, is sat at the other end of the table, chewing sourly on her toast. She hasn't said a word since she woke up.
"I've always wanted to adopt kids," Jean says thoughtfully, glancing at Ororo meaningfully.
"Are you two holding hands under the table again?" Rogue asks.
"Yeah," says Ororo casually. "Why shouldn't we?"
"Ah never said you shouldn't. Ah'm just jealous, ya know." Rogue screws up her forehead in concentration. "Ah have the perfect solution! Logan, you can finish mah bacon. Ah have to make a plan."
The moment she's left the room, Charlie and Jean both sigh and say, "She's planning to seduce Kurt."
Maggie laughs and then has a coughing-snorting fit.
"What, Dad? What's so funny?" Pietro asks, not sure what "seduce" means, assuming it must be a private joke he wants in on.
"Nothing, nothing," Maggie replies quickly, shaking his head.
"You think we should adopt, Jean?" Ororo suggests.
"Absolutely." She glances at Logan. "Six kids. No, seven."
* * * * *
"Hey Kurt," Katherine says casually, entering his room through a wall and finding him busy writing something. "What are you doing?"
He jumps. "Nothing, Katherine, nothing."
"Let me see... who's Amanda? Your sister? Why are you writing about her?"
Kurt puts his hands over the page quickly. "It's... erm... nothing. I'm just writing an autobiography."
"Oh. That's nice." She pets Kurt's hand absentmindedly. "How's your fear coming along?"
"Badly. I dreamt I was in a room full of women, and they all wanted to stroke my fur, and they chased me down the street and I was naked. It was just like real life, really."
"Aww, poor Kurt," she says sympathetically. "Well, how about if I help you overcome your fear now? We could just spend some time together, if that helps."
"Alright. Alright, but promise not to touch me anymore, I don't like it."
"Okay. So what we're going to do is... we'll just sit together and talk, okay? No pressure. And if you don't like it, say so." She settles cross- legged at the end of his bed, and gestures for Kurt to sit likewise at the head.
"Tell me about the women you've known," she suggests. "Perhaps we can find out why you're afraid of women... but not apparently Jean." Katherine thinks, and sighs out loud.
"It's not because she's Jean," Kurt disagrees. "It's because it was just... she jumped on me. And we just did it, it was just for fun, and it wasn't about my fur, it was just about..." He looks embarrassed. "My trousers."
Katherine can't help but giggle. "So what about Logan? Do you mind him touching your fur?"
"No, that's okay. He can touch my fur because it feels right. I like his hands."
"And any other men?"
"I like their hands. I don't like women's hands."
"Okay. So, we'll go through the important women in your life."
"Mütti. My adoptive mother, in Germany. I've known her longer than anyone."
"Good. Now, it seems to be about your fur and hands. Has she ever touched your fur?" Katherine's quite enjoying being a psychiatrist.
"When I was very little she would sing to me and stroke my fur and call me her little Nightcrawler," Kurt says, embarrassed. "I liked that. She protected me from things."
"What about your real mother?" Katherine asks reluctantly, in case it's a bad subject.
"I don't know. I don't know who she is. I've never met her."
"I'll keep my eye out for blue women," Katherine says casually, sure she should be making a link, but not making one. "And your sister?"
"Amanda. I was in love with Amanda," he says honestly. "I liked to look at her, because she's pretty. But I didn't like touching her and I didn't like her touching me. Or being near me."
Katherine's interested at this revelation. "What does Amanda look like?"
"I have a photo," he says, handing her a frame that's been sat on his bedside cabinet. "There's Mütti, and my brother, and Amanda on the end."
"She is pretty," Katherine says wistfully. "I wish I looked like her."
"You're pretty too, Katherine," Kurt replies honestly, looking shy. "And beautiful."
Katherine smiles. "I'm getting somewhere, aren't I?"
"I still don't want you to come any closer," he warns.
"Okay, okay. Well, how about we go for that pizza tonight? We can sit on opposite sides of a table. We don't have to touch or anything, if you don't want to."
"Really? Pizza? Ja! Let's do it!"
* * * * *
Rogue's planning out how to get to Kurt, unaware he's just arranged a date with the girl who's helping him overcome his fear of women. She's a very obsessive person and she's not going to give up until she's got her man where she wants him. She pauses in her plans to look out the window as she hears someone coming up the gravel path.
The doorbell rings shrilly through the mansion.
"I'll get it!" Jean yells. She opens the front door to discover one of her worst enemies stood there. Another superhero.
"Captain America!" she cries. "What the hell are you doing here, you stupid defrosted loser? I'll beat you into the middle of next week!" She shrieks and leaps at him, kicking him in the face and knocking him over.
"That'll teach you to mess with Jean Grey," she smirks. She stamps on his face with her heel for good measure, and then turns to go back inside, and comes face to face with Logan.
"What are you up to now, Jeanie?" he asks playfully.
"Captain America turned up so I thought it was time for Jean Grey to kick butt once more," she grins.
"You knocked him out?" Logan asks, his face going pale. He bends down to Captain America's side. "Are you okay?"
"I'll live," he groans. "Just, maybe I ought to rest for a bit."
"Ahh, no problem. You can come rest in my bed for a while. So long as Wanda hasn't messed it up."
"Wanda?" his eyes widen. "Logan, who's Wanda? She's another woman, isn't she?"
"Relax, Steve. There's been a lot of women and a few blokes since you, babe. You can't expect me to just wait around, can you? But Wanda's not one of them. She's one of the ten-year-old twins who moved into my bedroom last night. Maggie's kids. Hey, Jean! Bring yer telekinesis over here, would yer? Carry Steve in for me, could you?"
Jean grunted. "Found your perfect partner, have you?"
"Yes. You have Ororo now, Jean! Which reminds me, I'm supposed to be granted an audience with you two sometime."
Steve raises his eyebrows. "You have weird sleeping arrangements round this place."
"Weirder than Michael Jackson's," Jean agrees.
* * * * *
"So how was your babysitting experience?" Jean asks Ororo casually.
Ororo and Jean were put in charge of the twins for the afternoon. Jean took Pietro, and Ororo got stuck with Wanda.
"Awful!" Ororo wails. "She was such a pain! Right. I asked her if she wanted to go shopping, and she just looked at me. So I asked if there was anything she wanted to do, and she just stared out the window. I asked her if she was hungry and she grunted at me. So I said, 'Wanda, what are we going to do all afternoon?' And she put on this total sour face and said, 'Can you use your powers to blow up the whole of New York?'
"And so I had to say yes, I could, didn't I? So we started talking about powers. Maggie had his kids tested for the X-Gene when they were about three months old, you know. So she knows that sooner or later her powers should develop. She said she wants powers so that she blow things up and destroy things. She finally smiled when she said that. Ohhh, I can never even look at a kid again!"
Jean laughs. "Pietro was a dream to look after. First of all he asked me if I had any art materials, so I dug out some old pencils for him and he drew this beautiful picture of me." She grins and holds it up to her friend. "Look! Isn't he adorable? He said I was pretty, too."
"Everyone says that, Jean," Ororo says, annoyed that her babysitting adventure wasn't as fun as Jean's.
"Yeah, well. After that we went into the kitchen and he showed me how to make cookies from one of those packets--we didn't have any so we had to go out and get some. Oh, he was so sweet! The cashiers adored him. And then we came back and he knew how to cook! We made these wonderful cookies, and he ate three of them before they'd even cooled. I would have had one, but I'm on a diet, you know? Anyway. He helped me clean the kitchen, and he was so quick at it! Oh, he's an angel, Ororo."
"His sister's an absolute demon," Ororo replies, her eyes sparking with rage.
"No killing things, Ororo," Jean says firmly.
"Not even small things? Just one, incy wincy old lady that no one would even notice?"
"Ororo! You can't kill old ladies!"
"Well, can I at least lick out the bowl from your cookies? You must have saved that."
"Nope. Kurt's already had it."
She curses Kurt loudly. "How could you, Jean? I thought you loved me!"
"I didn't let him!" Jean howls. "I didn't want to, I wanted to save it all for you, but Kurt came and snuck past me and took it and ate it before I'd even noticed him!"
"I'll rip his tail off and strangle him with it!" Ororo yells.
"Calm down, calm down! It's okay! It's okay, because I know where his secret stash of ice cream is."
Ororo's ears visibly perk up.
"Cookie dough ice cream."
"Let's go get it!"
"For the love of God... Pietro Maximoff, it's two in the morning. Some of us are trying to get some sleep."
"But I can't sleep unless I have another drink!"
"Tough," Logan mumbles. He's still angry that Charlie decided the twins should sleep in his room, and that Wanda should get his bed while he sleeps on the floor. Wanda's making little angry growling noises in her sleep, and occasionally punching the pillow.
"My dad will be angry if you're not nice to me," Pietro whines. "I just want a drink. Please."
"Alright! Alright!" Logan heaves himself upright. "Don't touch anything while I'm gone."
* * * * *
"Mr Logan, your lamp's broken. And I found some really weird things in your drawer."
"PIETRO!" Logan roars. "I told you not to touch anything! Now here's your drink. Now drink it, shut up, and go to sleep."
Five minutes pass. Then, "Mr Logan, could you show me where your bathroom is? I really need to go."
* * * * *
"No more babysitting! Ever again!" Logan howls, hurling bacon into his mouth. The whole household have got together for breakfast, except Kurt, who has mysteriously disappeared.
"I'd always have thought you were secretly a naturally paternal person, Logan," Katherine says, only half teasing. She's neatly spooning up cornflakes.
"Kids are brats. The sooner they grow up the better," Logan growls, attacking the bacon with his claw and almost slicing the plate in half too.
Pietro's sat next to his father, eating exactly the same thing as him, in the same way. Maggie glares at him slightly, but he ignores it. Wanda, on the other hand, is sat at the other end of the table, chewing sourly on her toast. She hasn't said a word since she woke up.
"I've always wanted to adopt kids," Jean says thoughtfully, glancing at Ororo meaningfully.
"Are you two holding hands under the table again?" Rogue asks.
"Yeah," says Ororo casually. "Why shouldn't we?"
"Ah never said you shouldn't. Ah'm just jealous, ya know." Rogue screws up her forehead in concentration. "Ah have the perfect solution! Logan, you can finish mah bacon. Ah have to make a plan."
The moment she's left the room, Charlie and Jean both sigh and say, "She's planning to seduce Kurt."
Maggie laughs and then has a coughing-snorting fit.
"What, Dad? What's so funny?" Pietro asks, not sure what "seduce" means, assuming it must be a private joke he wants in on.
"Nothing, nothing," Maggie replies quickly, shaking his head.
"You think we should adopt, Jean?" Ororo suggests.
"Absolutely." She glances at Logan. "Six kids. No, seven."
* * * * *
"Hey Kurt," Katherine says casually, entering his room through a wall and finding him busy writing something. "What are you doing?"
He jumps. "Nothing, Katherine, nothing."
"Let me see... who's Amanda? Your sister? Why are you writing about her?"
Kurt puts his hands over the page quickly. "It's... erm... nothing. I'm just writing an autobiography."
"Oh. That's nice." She pets Kurt's hand absentmindedly. "How's your fear coming along?"
"Badly. I dreamt I was in a room full of women, and they all wanted to stroke my fur, and they chased me down the street and I was naked. It was just like real life, really."
"Aww, poor Kurt," she says sympathetically. "Well, how about if I help you overcome your fear now? We could just spend some time together, if that helps."
"Alright. Alright, but promise not to touch me anymore, I don't like it."
"Okay. So what we're going to do is... we'll just sit together and talk, okay? No pressure. And if you don't like it, say so." She settles cross- legged at the end of his bed, and gestures for Kurt to sit likewise at the head.
"Tell me about the women you've known," she suggests. "Perhaps we can find out why you're afraid of women... but not apparently Jean." Katherine thinks, and sighs out loud.
"It's not because she's Jean," Kurt disagrees. "It's because it was just... she jumped on me. And we just did it, it was just for fun, and it wasn't about my fur, it was just about..." He looks embarrassed. "My trousers."
Katherine can't help but giggle. "So what about Logan? Do you mind him touching your fur?"
"No, that's okay. He can touch my fur because it feels right. I like his hands."
"And any other men?"
"I like their hands. I don't like women's hands."
"Okay. So, we'll go through the important women in your life."
"Mütti. My adoptive mother, in Germany. I've known her longer than anyone."
"Good. Now, it seems to be about your fur and hands. Has she ever touched your fur?" Katherine's quite enjoying being a psychiatrist.
"When I was very little she would sing to me and stroke my fur and call me her little Nightcrawler," Kurt says, embarrassed. "I liked that. She protected me from things."
"What about your real mother?" Katherine asks reluctantly, in case it's a bad subject.
"I don't know. I don't know who she is. I've never met her."
"I'll keep my eye out for blue women," Katherine says casually, sure she should be making a link, but not making one. "And your sister?"
"Amanda. I was in love with Amanda," he says honestly. "I liked to look at her, because she's pretty. But I didn't like touching her and I didn't like her touching me. Or being near me."
Katherine's interested at this revelation. "What does Amanda look like?"
"I have a photo," he says, handing her a frame that's been sat on his bedside cabinet. "There's Mütti, and my brother, and Amanda on the end."
"She is pretty," Katherine says wistfully. "I wish I looked like her."
"You're pretty too, Katherine," Kurt replies honestly, looking shy. "And beautiful."
Katherine smiles. "I'm getting somewhere, aren't I?"
"I still don't want you to come any closer," he warns.
"Okay, okay. Well, how about we go for that pizza tonight? We can sit on opposite sides of a table. We don't have to touch or anything, if you don't want to."
"Really? Pizza? Ja! Let's do it!"
* * * * *
Rogue's planning out how to get to Kurt, unaware he's just arranged a date with the girl who's helping him overcome his fear of women. She's a very obsessive person and she's not going to give up until she's got her man where she wants him. She pauses in her plans to look out the window as she hears someone coming up the gravel path.
The doorbell rings shrilly through the mansion.
"I'll get it!" Jean yells. She opens the front door to discover one of her worst enemies stood there. Another superhero.
"Captain America!" she cries. "What the hell are you doing here, you stupid defrosted loser? I'll beat you into the middle of next week!" She shrieks and leaps at him, kicking him in the face and knocking him over.
"That'll teach you to mess with Jean Grey," she smirks. She stamps on his face with her heel for good measure, and then turns to go back inside, and comes face to face with Logan.
"What are you up to now, Jeanie?" he asks playfully.
"Captain America turned up so I thought it was time for Jean Grey to kick butt once more," she grins.
"You knocked him out?" Logan asks, his face going pale. He bends down to Captain America's side. "Are you okay?"
"I'll live," he groans. "Just, maybe I ought to rest for a bit."
"Ahh, no problem. You can come rest in my bed for a while. So long as Wanda hasn't messed it up."
"Wanda?" his eyes widen. "Logan, who's Wanda? She's another woman, isn't she?"
"Relax, Steve. There's been a lot of women and a few blokes since you, babe. You can't expect me to just wait around, can you? But Wanda's not one of them. She's one of the ten-year-old twins who moved into my bedroom last night. Maggie's kids. Hey, Jean! Bring yer telekinesis over here, would yer? Carry Steve in for me, could you?"
Jean grunted. "Found your perfect partner, have you?"
"Yes. You have Ororo now, Jean! Which reminds me, I'm supposed to be granted an audience with you two sometime."
Steve raises his eyebrows. "You have weird sleeping arrangements round this place."
"Weirder than Michael Jackson's," Jean agrees.
* * * * *
"So how was your babysitting experience?" Jean asks Ororo casually.
Ororo and Jean were put in charge of the twins for the afternoon. Jean took Pietro, and Ororo got stuck with Wanda.
"Awful!" Ororo wails. "She was such a pain! Right. I asked her if she wanted to go shopping, and she just looked at me. So I asked if there was anything she wanted to do, and she just stared out the window. I asked her if she was hungry and she grunted at me. So I said, 'Wanda, what are we going to do all afternoon?' And she put on this total sour face and said, 'Can you use your powers to blow up the whole of New York?'
"And so I had to say yes, I could, didn't I? So we started talking about powers. Maggie had his kids tested for the X-Gene when they were about three months old, you know. So she knows that sooner or later her powers should develop. She said she wants powers so that she blow things up and destroy things. She finally smiled when she said that. Ohhh, I can never even look at a kid again!"
Jean laughs. "Pietro was a dream to look after. First of all he asked me if I had any art materials, so I dug out some old pencils for him and he drew this beautiful picture of me." She grins and holds it up to her friend. "Look! Isn't he adorable? He said I was pretty, too."
"Everyone says that, Jean," Ororo says, annoyed that her babysitting adventure wasn't as fun as Jean's.
"Yeah, well. After that we went into the kitchen and he showed me how to make cookies from one of those packets--we didn't have any so we had to go out and get some. Oh, he was so sweet! The cashiers adored him. And then we came back and he knew how to cook! We made these wonderful cookies, and he ate three of them before they'd even cooled. I would have had one, but I'm on a diet, you know? Anyway. He helped me clean the kitchen, and he was so quick at it! Oh, he's an angel, Ororo."
"His sister's an absolute demon," Ororo replies, her eyes sparking with rage.
"No killing things, Ororo," Jean says firmly.
"Not even small things? Just one, incy wincy old lady that no one would even notice?"
"Ororo! You can't kill old ladies!"
"Well, can I at least lick out the bowl from your cookies? You must have saved that."
"Nope. Kurt's already had it."
She curses Kurt loudly. "How could you, Jean? I thought you loved me!"
"I didn't let him!" Jean howls. "I didn't want to, I wanted to save it all for you, but Kurt came and snuck past me and took it and ate it before I'd even noticed him!"
"I'll rip his tail off and strangle him with it!" Ororo yells.
"Calm down, calm down! It's okay! It's okay, because I know where his secret stash of ice cream is."
Ororo's ears visibly perk up.
"Cookie dough ice cream."
"Let's go get it!"