The first Short Story of Hyrule - The pied pooper of Hyrule
Once upon a time, there was a young boy called Morris. Now, Morris didn't have any direct family and spent a large amount of his time playing in the sewers beneath Kakariko. One day, he saw something shiny protruding from the muck and plucked it out.
Morris was delighted to have found a small tin flute, and without hesitation, he lifted it to his mouth and blew hard. Poo spurted out of the end followed by a constipated squeak. Morris pondered this and skipped back out of the sewer, not noticing the sudden tidal wave of sewage.
Up in the village above, Of Kakariko, King Harkinian was doing his daily rounds of being nice to people when he walked past a drain. After ignoring the smell he suddenly heard and extremely loud and piercing sound, like a very irate squirrel in a deranged position. The King was not sure what came of his bladder, or the bladders of the rest of his subjects who all darted into their hourses extremely fast, but he clutched his bottom with a cry and ran into the nearest house, a brown stain spreading across his silk trews.
He later emerged from the bathroom after having cleaned himself up. He looked around the door to see a little old lady asleep by the fire. He thought it far best to leave her sleeping and tried to sneak by.
"Creak," Went a rebellious floorboard.
"Oops!" Went the King.
"HUH?" Went the little old lady.
The King had a narrow escape, shielding his head from furious swipes of a walking stick. What they feed old ladies these days is a mystery.
~*~*~
Much further away by Lake Hylia, Morris had gone to find solitude to practise. He had cleaned the flute in the water, and was now ready to play. He took a deep breath and blew. The same shrill cry of crushed squirrels echoed around the lake, but it was much louder now.
Several strings of green . . . .something, floated up to the surface and a cluster of a extremely embarrassed looking fish and Zoras swam for their lives and dignity, away from the scene of the crime. Morris didn't notice and gave another toot.
The running man . . . . .ran by, I mean, what else could he do? He's not the skipping man! Anyway, the sound of this reached his ears and in turn his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. He clutched his behind, and ran faster than he has ever run before. "SHIT! . . . . . .LITERALLY!
Morris thought it would be a wonderful idea to show his grandfather. He skipped across the bridge tooting and skipping with his little whistle. The sturdy owl that sat upon the stone seemed to deflate slightly and shifted very uncomfortably in his place.
Morris reached the lakeside laboratory and went in. The scientist stood straight and still watching a squid in a jar.
"Grandad!"
"Hush Morris, this is no time to talk."
"I don't want to talk, I want to show you my new toy."
"Wonderful, brilliant, it's lovely, now go outside."
Morris frowned, and thought that if he perhaps let out a stunning note from his whistle, his grandfather would listen to him. *TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT*
The liquid within the squids jar went black and the scientist leapt into the air, his hands streaking from his sides and holding his buttcheeks. "MORRIS!? MORRIS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He screamed, doing a little dance in a circle, before running straight out of the door and misjudging his turning. He ran straight over the drop into the lake and crashed to land.
His back bent, his teeth were made crooked and one eye bulged satanically from his head.
Since that day he drooled slightly, and if you listened very closely, he muttered quietly forevermore about explosive diarrhoea.
Morris decided now that his grandfather was face down in the water, it was a good time to make a quick escape. He darted out onto the field, but alas it was getting dark. Something rose from the earth below and another one. Stalchilds! Oh no!
Morris thought they might like music. He picked up his flute, glad to have an audience (Although it was one that slobbered and advanced menacingly) and he played. *TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT* The magic note worked it's magic and the stalchildren promptly smashed into each other in a fit of rectal explosives and crumpled to the floor.
"Well dead things seem to like me!" Morris laughed. "To the graveyard."
He skipped across the field playing his flute, practising for his soon to be audience. Although the party would be quite dead . . . . .to say the least . . . Morris was really excited.
He passed the ranch. There was an extreme stampede and loud neighing. A voice echoed out into the darkness. "Sweet Lucien! Hey Ingo! WE GOT MANURE POURING OUT OF OUR BARN! WE'RE RICH!"
"What about the horses Talon? Aren't they gonna drown in their own crap?"
"AAAAAAH!!!! Darnit!!"
Morris carried on making his way happily. He crossed the bridge gleefully and ran up the steps to Kakariko. He let out one last toot, to check his beloved flute was still functioning for the show. The windmill went haywire and a voice from inside screeched terribly, screaming that he was stuck on the ride and he wanted to get off. Something like that, Morris was not interested.
He bolted into the graveyard, straight to the back and climbed a top a huge gravestone. He looked proudly down at his stoney audience and blew into the flute with all the might he could muster. *TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT*
The ground shook as every single gravestone moved back and a huge swarm of ten poes fled towards the village and out onto the field.
Down below Morris in the royal family tomb. Three Redeads looked accusingly at each other, and secretly holding their scrawny butts. "Where did this foul green goop come from?" One ordered to know, although he knew perfectly well. "No idea Harold, but I think Jonathan might know."
"I say Julian, no. We're royal zombies, we do not make foul excretion as such is beneath our feet. But the acidic properties should keep out intruders."
"Quite so." Said the others, eager that the subject should not carry on further.
Morris looked up to the sky and the clouds rumbled ominously. Din's face appeared in the clouds. She did not look happy. It started to rain. "Boy! What the hell are you doing? You're gonna sink hyrule in crap! If anyone ever plays any bloody instrument in front of this tomb again! I will blow it up! I mean it!" Din kept her promise and left her trademark in front of the tomb.
So, Morris, could find no where to practise without being in trouble with the village, the ranch, the zoras or anyone.
He later died trying on top of Death Mountain. Never play a magic explosive poo whistle in front of an active volcano. They say the ghost of the angry Morris haunts the pass near the top, and if you are passing through he will play and the rocks will fall on you.
You need a Hylian shield. Go to the Bazaar, tell them some stupid soldier sent you and you should get a discount! And beware! The trauma of Morris's flute, may cause you to crap your pants!
The End.
Once upon a time, there was a young boy called Morris. Now, Morris didn't have any direct family and spent a large amount of his time playing in the sewers beneath Kakariko. One day, he saw something shiny protruding from the muck and plucked it out.
Morris was delighted to have found a small tin flute, and without hesitation, he lifted it to his mouth and blew hard. Poo spurted out of the end followed by a constipated squeak. Morris pondered this and skipped back out of the sewer, not noticing the sudden tidal wave of sewage.
Up in the village above, Of Kakariko, King Harkinian was doing his daily rounds of being nice to people when he walked past a drain. After ignoring the smell he suddenly heard and extremely loud and piercing sound, like a very irate squirrel in a deranged position. The King was not sure what came of his bladder, or the bladders of the rest of his subjects who all darted into their hourses extremely fast, but he clutched his bottom with a cry and ran into the nearest house, a brown stain spreading across his silk trews.
He later emerged from the bathroom after having cleaned himself up. He looked around the door to see a little old lady asleep by the fire. He thought it far best to leave her sleeping and tried to sneak by.
"Creak," Went a rebellious floorboard.
"Oops!" Went the King.
"HUH?" Went the little old lady.
The King had a narrow escape, shielding his head from furious swipes of a walking stick. What they feed old ladies these days is a mystery.
~*~*~
Much further away by Lake Hylia, Morris had gone to find solitude to practise. He had cleaned the flute in the water, and was now ready to play. He took a deep breath and blew. The same shrill cry of crushed squirrels echoed around the lake, but it was much louder now.
Several strings of green . . . .something, floated up to the surface and a cluster of a extremely embarrassed looking fish and Zoras swam for their lives and dignity, away from the scene of the crime. Morris didn't notice and gave another toot.
The running man . . . . .ran by, I mean, what else could he do? He's not the skipping man! Anyway, the sound of this reached his ears and in turn his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. He clutched his behind, and ran faster than he has ever run before. "SHIT! . . . . . .LITERALLY!
Morris thought it would be a wonderful idea to show his grandfather. He skipped across the bridge tooting and skipping with his little whistle. The sturdy owl that sat upon the stone seemed to deflate slightly and shifted very uncomfortably in his place.
Morris reached the lakeside laboratory and went in. The scientist stood straight and still watching a squid in a jar.
"Grandad!"
"Hush Morris, this is no time to talk."
"I don't want to talk, I want to show you my new toy."
"Wonderful, brilliant, it's lovely, now go outside."
Morris frowned, and thought that if he perhaps let out a stunning note from his whistle, his grandfather would listen to him. *TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT*
The liquid within the squids jar went black and the scientist leapt into the air, his hands streaking from his sides and holding his buttcheeks. "MORRIS!? MORRIS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He screamed, doing a little dance in a circle, before running straight out of the door and misjudging his turning. He ran straight over the drop into the lake and crashed to land.
His back bent, his teeth were made crooked and one eye bulged satanically from his head.
Since that day he drooled slightly, and if you listened very closely, he muttered quietly forevermore about explosive diarrhoea.
Morris decided now that his grandfather was face down in the water, it was a good time to make a quick escape. He darted out onto the field, but alas it was getting dark. Something rose from the earth below and another one. Stalchilds! Oh no!
Morris thought they might like music. He picked up his flute, glad to have an audience (Although it was one that slobbered and advanced menacingly) and he played. *TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT* The magic note worked it's magic and the stalchildren promptly smashed into each other in a fit of rectal explosives and crumpled to the floor.
"Well dead things seem to like me!" Morris laughed. "To the graveyard."
He skipped across the field playing his flute, practising for his soon to be audience. Although the party would be quite dead . . . . .to say the least . . . Morris was really excited.
He passed the ranch. There was an extreme stampede and loud neighing. A voice echoed out into the darkness. "Sweet Lucien! Hey Ingo! WE GOT MANURE POURING OUT OF OUR BARN! WE'RE RICH!"
"What about the horses Talon? Aren't they gonna drown in their own crap?"
"AAAAAAH!!!! Darnit!!"
Morris carried on making his way happily. He crossed the bridge gleefully and ran up the steps to Kakariko. He let out one last toot, to check his beloved flute was still functioning for the show. The windmill went haywire and a voice from inside screeched terribly, screaming that he was stuck on the ride and he wanted to get off. Something like that, Morris was not interested.
He bolted into the graveyard, straight to the back and climbed a top a huge gravestone. He looked proudly down at his stoney audience and blew into the flute with all the might he could muster. *TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT*
The ground shook as every single gravestone moved back and a huge swarm of ten poes fled towards the village and out onto the field.
Down below Morris in the royal family tomb. Three Redeads looked accusingly at each other, and secretly holding their scrawny butts. "Where did this foul green goop come from?" One ordered to know, although he knew perfectly well. "No idea Harold, but I think Jonathan might know."
"I say Julian, no. We're royal zombies, we do not make foul excretion as such is beneath our feet. But the acidic properties should keep out intruders."
"Quite so." Said the others, eager that the subject should not carry on further.
Morris looked up to the sky and the clouds rumbled ominously. Din's face appeared in the clouds. She did not look happy. It started to rain. "Boy! What the hell are you doing? You're gonna sink hyrule in crap! If anyone ever plays any bloody instrument in front of this tomb again! I will blow it up! I mean it!" Din kept her promise and left her trademark in front of the tomb.
So, Morris, could find no where to practise without being in trouble with the village, the ranch, the zoras or anyone.
He later died trying on top of Death Mountain. Never play a magic explosive poo whistle in front of an active volcano. They say the ghost of the angry Morris haunts the pass near the top, and if you are passing through he will play and the rocks will fall on you.
You need a Hylian shield. Go to the Bazaar, tell them some stupid soldier sent you and you should get a discount! And beware! The trauma of Morris's flute, may cause you to crap your pants!
The End.