And so, the very next day, Maggie's big box is put to good use and the X-
Men hold a small funeral for Spider-Man, right after Captain America
announces he has to leave. Logan bursts into tears.
"It'll be okay. Be brave, Logan. I'll write to you, if I get a chance. And I'll always been thinking of you."
"I'll miss you so much!" Logan howls. "I love you! Don't go!"
"I don't want to go, but I have to!"
"Stop being dramatic," Katherine says firmly. "Have you got all your bags packed, Captain?"
"Yes."
"Have you got your passport?"
"I think so. Yes."
"And you took your toothbrush from the bathroom?"
"Yes."
"Good. Well, farewell, good luck."
The X-Men gather by the door to wave the Captain into his taxi. Logan is sniffing into a handkerchief.
"Good luck!"
"Have fun!"
"Auf wiedersehen!"
But now, on to the funeral.
"Can we stop digging yet?" Kurt asks, panting.
"Yeah, it only needs to be six foot deep, Charlie. Why do we have to do the digging, anyway?" Logan demands, resting on his shovel.
"Well, I can't do it, I'm crippled. You seem to be the strongest members of the team. Keep going, it needs to be a bit deeper."
"Just get on with the service bit," Logan argues. "Maggie?"
"Just remember," Charlie butts in, "You can't spell funeral without fun!"
"You have to do it properly!" Rogue insists. "You have to be sad at a funeral."
Logan sniffs and then gives a wail.
"Well done, Logan," Rogue agrees.
"Maggie," Katherine prompts.
"Oh yes. We are gathered here today," he says seriously, "To pay our final respects to Peter Parker, known to many as Spider-Man. He was also known to many as the greatest superhero in America, although that's clearly not true."
"You're only allowed to say how wonderful people are at their funerals!" Rogue wails angrily.
"Okay. Everyone, take it in turns to say something nice about him. Katherine, you go first."
"Well, he was good at making out," Katherine offers. "What? He was!"
"He was more popular than us," Jean says sadly. "But we defeated him, haha- -I'm sorry, Rogue." She puts on her "proper funeral face".
"Ah never knew him, but Ah know he was everything a real superhero should be," Rogue says solemnly.
They turn to Logan, who's stood next to Rogue. He's still thinking. "He wasn't bad at fighting, for a runty little radioactive kid."
"He had a good costume," Ororo adds. "Well, better than our first uniforms, anyway."
"He was good looking," Kurt says.
"I never knew him but I hate him," Wanda says, giving the box a kick.
"He was really cool and I had an action figure of him once," Pietro says, smiling at the memory. "Hey, Wanda, did you steal my Spider-Man figure?"
"No," she lies. What she actually did was shove him in Mystique's microwave and watch him melt.
"He was groovy," Charlie says.
"He was smart enough to try and hide in our X-Mansion when he was hiding from us," Maggie finishes. "What do we do next?"
"Let's talk about the most important day in X-Men/Spider-Man history. The day we kidnapped him," Katherine offers.
"Can I do it?" Logan asks. "Well, it was a wet evening, and we were all full of angry, murderous rage. We all went out in the X-Van to kidnap the Spidey-Kid. As Maggie said, after we chased him around town he came back to our mansion and that's where we trapped him. There, I sniffed him out and fought him, and tied him up."
"You did not!" Katherine cries. "I fought him, and then I pulled a bookcase over on him!"
"I did it!" Logan growls.
"No, I did!" Katherine yells, kneeing him where it hurts. He bends over double.
"Ow, Katherine! Alright, alright, you did it!"
"If you can't behave at the funeral, then go inside," Maggie instructs.
"Fine then, I will," Katherine says huffily, turns round, and stomps back towards the house, Logan following her.
"So it WAS me who caught Spider-Man, yes?"
"Will you knee me in the balls again if I say no?"
"Of course."
"It was all down to you. Everyone bow down and worship the great goddess Katherine."
"That's a bit better."
"Well, what else can I do?"
They've reached the doors and are going back inside.
"Well, there is one thing, Logan..."
"Erm, Katherine, that's my hand you're holding..."
"Yes, I know."
"So what do you want?"
"Take me to your room and I'll show you."
"Katherine..."
"Do you want me to hurt you again?"
"Okay, okay."
Back to the funeral.
"Just get the box in the hole and shove some dirt on the top so we can go back inside, I'm cold," Jean shivers, shoving her hands into her armpits and stamping her feet.
"Alright, alright. Kurt, Maggie, put the box in the hole," Charlie commands.
"I'm too old and I have arthritis," Maggie protests. "Make Ororo do it."
"Ororo, do it. Hey, wait, you don't have arthritis!"
"No, I don't, but I'm not lifting great big heavy boxes." Maggie folds his arms.
"Quit arguing!" Ororo interrupts. "Come on then Kurt, let's get this over with."
"Why? I didn't kill him."
"You all helped kill him, just get the box in the hole."
Ororo drags the box along, complaining the whole time. "It's not fair... I hate you all, especially you Charlie, I'm going to run away and leave you and never come back because you were so mean, I didn't become an X-Man to do manual labour, I don't see why I should have to suffer..."
"Groovy," Charlie replies.
"No, it's not! Charlie, I quit!"
"Then I quit too," Kurt adds.
"Hey, I want to quit three!" Jean says, not to be outdone. "It's too cold, you're not making me do this anymore."
Rogue, wanting to fit in, says, "Ah'm not stayin' if they're not."
"You're going on strike!" Charlie grins. "Groovy!"
"Nicht groovy, Professor Xavier."
And with that, Rogue, Jean, Kurt and Ororo turn and storm out of the garden.
"Heyyy!" Wanda calls after them. "I wanna go too! I hate Charlie as much as you do!"
Jean groans.
"Let the kid come, Jeanie," Ororo growls under her breath.
Pietro looks from Charlie to Maggie and then to Charlie again. "Are they ever coming back, Dad? Charlie?"
Charlie shrugs. "I don't know. Hang on, let me see what Katherine and Logan are up to."
He puts his hands to his head to increase his psychic ability (or just give the impression that that's what he's doing), but Katherine comes stomping out of the back doors, yelling.
"Logan, I don't care! I hate you! And--where the hell are the others going?"
"They hate me and they're leaving to never come back," Charlie explains.
"Suits me. I'm going. You can go die somewhere, Logan!" She follows the others out the gate into the street and onto who-knows-where.
Logan follows her out, holding his hands out in a "what did I do?" gesture. "Problems, Charlie?"
"No, no problems," he smiles. "A few short tempers blown, that's all. Oh, and we're down to four X-Men, including one ten year old, and one psychopath--"
"Ex-psychopath," Maggie says sternly. "I had therapy."
"Ex-psychopath. But that's cool. Hey, anyone feel like a party?"
"It'll be okay. Be brave, Logan. I'll write to you, if I get a chance. And I'll always been thinking of you."
"I'll miss you so much!" Logan howls. "I love you! Don't go!"
"I don't want to go, but I have to!"
"Stop being dramatic," Katherine says firmly. "Have you got all your bags packed, Captain?"
"Yes."
"Have you got your passport?"
"I think so. Yes."
"And you took your toothbrush from the bathroom?"
"Yes."
"Good. Well, farewell, good luck."
The X-Men gather by the door to wave the Captain into his taxi. Logan is sniffing into a handkerchief.
"Good luck!"
"Have fun!"
"Auf wiedersehen!"
But now, on to the funeral.
"Can we stop digging yet?" Kurt asks, panting.
"Yeah, it only needs to be six foot deep, Charlie. Why do we have to do the digging, anyway?" Logan demands, resting on his shovel.
"Well, I can't do it, I'm crippled. You seem to be the strongest members of the team. Keep going, it needs to be a bit deeper."
"Just get on with the service bit," Logan argues. "Maggie?"
"Just remember," Charlie butts in, "You can't spell funeral without fun!"
"You have to do it properly!" Rogue insists. "You have to be sad at a funeral."
Logan sniffs and then gives a wail.
"Well done, Logan," Rogue agrees.
"Maggie," Katherine prompts.
"Oh yes. We are gathered here today," he says seriously, "To pay our final respects to Peter Parker, known to many as Spider-Man. He was also known to many as the greatest superhero in America, although that's clearly not true."
"You're only allowed to say how wonderful people are at their funerals!" Rogue wails angrily.
"Okay. Everyone, take it in turns to say something nice about him. Katherine, you go first."
"Well, he was good at making out," Katherine offers. "What? He was!"
"He was more popular than us," Jean says sadly. "But we defeated him, haha- -I'm sorry, Rogue." She puts on her "proper funeral face".
"Ah never knew him, but Ah know he was everything a real superhero should be," Rogue says solemnly.
They turn to Logan, who's stood next to Rogue. He's still thinking. "He wasn't bad at fighting, for a runty little radioactive kid."
"He had a good costume," Ororo adds. "Well, better than our first uniforms, anyway."
"He was good looking," Kurt says.
"I never knew him but I hate him," Wanda says, giving the box a kick.
"He was really cool and I had an action figure of him once," Pietro says, smiling at the memory. "Hey, Wanda, did you steal my Spider-Man figure?"
"No," she lies. What she actually did was shove him in Mystique's microwave and watch him melt.
"He was groovy," Charlie says.
"He was smart enough to try and hide in our X-Mansion when he was hiding from us," Maggie finishes. "What do we do next?"
"Let's talk about the most important day in X-Men/Spider-Man history. The day we kidnapped him," Katherine offers.
"Can I do it?" Logan asks. "Well, it was a wet evening, and we were all full of angry, murderous rage. We all went out in the X-Van to kidnap the Spidey-Kid. As Maggie said, after we chased him around town he came back to our mansion and that's where we trapped him. There, I sniffed him out and fought him, and tied him up."
"You did not!" Katherine cries. "I fought him, and then I pulled a bookcase over on him!"
"I did it!" Logan growls.
"No, I did!" Katherine yells, kneeing him where it hurts. He bends over double.
"Ow, Katherine! Alright, alright, you did it!"
"If you can't behave at the funeral, then go inside," Maggie instructs.
"Fine then, I will," Katherine says huffily, turns round, and stomps back towards the house, Logan following her.
"So it WAS me who caught Spider-Man, yes?"
"Will you knee me in the balls again if I say no?"
"Of course."
"It was all down to you. Everyone bow down and worship the great goddess Katherine."
"That's a bit better."
"Well, what else can I do?"
They've reached the doors and are going back inside.
"Well, there is one thing, Logan..."
"Erm, Katherine, that's my hand you're holding..."
"Yes, I know."
"So what do you want?"
"Take me to your room and I'll show you."
"Katherine..."
"Do you want me to hurt you again?"
"Okay, okay."
Back to the funeral.
"Just get the box in the hole and shove some dirt on the top so we can go back inside, I'm cold," Jean shivers, shoving her hands into her armpits and stamping her feet.
"Alright, alright. Kurt, Maggie, put the box in the hole," Charlie commands.
"I'm too old and I have arthritis," Maggie protests. "Make Ororo do it."
"Ororo, do it. Hey, wait, you don't have arthritis!"
"No, I don't, but I'm not lifting great big heavy boxes." Maggie folds his arms.
"Quit arguing!" Ororo interrupts. "Come on then Kurt, let's get this over with."
"Why? I didn't kill him."
"You all helped kill him, just get the box in the hole."
Ororo drags the box along, complaining the whole time. "It's not fair... I hate you all, especially you Charlie, I'm going to run away and leave you and never come back because you were so mean, I didn't become an X-Man to do manual labour, I don't see why I should have to suffer..."
"Groovy," Charlie replies.
"No, it's not! Charlie, I quit!"
"Then I quit too," Kurt adds.
"Hey, I want to quit three!" Jean says, not to be outdone. "It's too cold, you're not making me do this anymore."
Rogue, wanting to fit in, says, "Ah'm not stayin' if they're not."
"You're going on strike!" Charlie grins. "Groovy!"
"Nicht groovy, Professor Xavier."
And with that, Rogue, Jean, Kurt and Ororo turn and storm out of the garden.
"Heyyy!" Wanda calls after them. "I wanna go too! I hate Charlie as much as you do!"
Jean groans.
"Let the kid come, Jeanie," Ororo growls under her breath.
Pietro looks from Charlie to Maggie and then to Charlie again. "Are they ever coming back, Dad? Charlie?"
Charlie shrugs. "I don't know. Hang on, let me see what Katherine and Logan are up to."
He puts his hands to his head to increase his psychic ability (or just give the impression that that's what he's doing), but Katherine comes stomping out of the back doors, yelling.
"Logan, I don't care! I hate you! And--where the hell are the others going?"
"They hate me and they're leaving to never come back," Charlie explains.
"Suits me. I'm going. You can go die somewhere, Logan!" She follows the others out the gate into the street and onto who-knows-where.
Logan follows her out, holding his hands out in a "what did I do?" gesture. "Problems, Charlie?"
"No, no problems," he smiles. "A few short tempers blown, that's all. Oh, and we're down to four X-Men, including one ten year old, and one psychopath--"
"Ex-psychopath," Maggie says sternly. "I had therapy."
"Ex-psychopath. But that's cool. Hey, anyone feel like a party?"