"It's lunchtime," Bender announces. "We could either fry up some more
bacon, or get a takeaway."
"Ohhh, you make my life full of such hard decisions!" Kurt complains. "How could I ever choose?"
"Let's have a pizza," Jean suggests.
"Jean, go out with me."
"No."
"Please Jean?"
"No, Ororo!"
"Please, please, please, please, please, with whipped cream on the top."
"Are you hinting at something?" Jean asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, I can't do that with Kurt!" Ororo wails. "Do you know what cream tastes like with hair in it?"
Kurt looks down. "I'm sorry, Ororo."
"It's okay! If Jean would just--"
"NO!" Jean yells. "No, no, no, and no again! I don't want to go out with you, Ororo!"
"Calm down, children," Bender says calmly.
"Mein Gott, it's like Charlie and Maggie morphed into one, beautiful female," Kurt comments.
"So are we having pizza?" Bender queries.
"Bender, you know what?" Kurt asks.
"What?"
"I think I'm in love with you."
"Kurt, can I tell you something now?" Bender asks cautiously. "You know, I have this weird idea we might be related."
"Damn! Well, that's the end of that then." He pauses. "Can we have mushrooms on our pizza?"
* * * * *
"What are we having for lunch, Uncle Logan?"
"Nothing. Katherine always does the grocery shopping and Katherine is not here."
"But I'm hungry, Uncle Logan."
"There might be a tin of beans or something in a cupboard."
Pietro bounces off into the kitchen to look for beans.
Maggie yawns. Charlie reaches for the TV remote in an idle sort of way and channel hops for a few minutes. Logan sighs and then says, "God, I am so bored."
"I miss the way Ororo threw tantrums every time something happened that she didn't like," Charlie says.
"I miss the way she once wanted to see if bald people conduct lightning better than those with hair," Logan adds.
"I don't," Charlie disagrees. "It was quite fun when she tried to get you to go out dressed in drag, Logan."
"No, it wasn't! You should be more responsible and not let us drink as much, Charlie."
"I miss the way Rogue would keep going, 'did you know I used to be a man?' to everyone," Maggie says quickly, to advert an argument.
"I miss how Katherine got all jealous because she wasn't a pendulum."
"I miss them!" Charlie wails. "We have to get them back!"
Just then, the phone rings.
"It's them!" Maggie shrieks. "Someone answer it!"
"You answer it!" Logan and Charlie yell together.
Then the phone stops ringing and Pietro walks in, holding it. "Hello? Oh. Oh, okay. You want Charlie? Yes, okay. CHARLIE! FOR YOU!" He hands the phone over to Charlie and then walks over to Logan.
"Uncle Logan, I found a tin of baked beans but you don't have a can opener."
"We don't need one. Here." Snickt. Logan slices the lid off with one of his claws. "Now be careful with that, because it's got very sharp edges."
"Do you have a plate I could put them on? Or a microwave to heat them in?"
"We did. But Ororo, our little scientist, did an experiment which involved explosions and a small fire. And then suddenly we didn't have a microwave anymore."
"Oh." Pietro nods understandingly. "At Mystique's house Wanda put my hamster in the microwave. She said it exploded. Mystique had to buy a new one. She put my Spider-Man action figure in the microwave too, though she says she didn't. And she put some of my Lego in a toaster."
"I wondered why our toaster stopped working," Maggie says.
Charlie puts the phone down, yelling rubbish at everyone. "That was--he said--we can--there's--mission--we have to--fire--"
"Slow down, Charlie."
"It was a man who wanted us to help him. He saw one of our fliers! He lives on the other side of town. Come on, uniforms on, ready the van, let's go-go-go!"
"I'm the only one with a uniform," Logan says pointedly. "And I don't even like it."
"Well, to the X-Mobile!"
* * * * *
"What's wrong with the engine?" Charlie cries. "Why won't it start?"
"Have you got the key in?" Maggie asks patiently. He and Charlie are sat in the front, and Pietro and Logan in the back.
"Yes, of course I have! I'm not stupid!"
"You filled it up?"
"Yes!"
"Who was the last one to drive it?"
"Well, Crawler Dude, I think. He tends to take the motor flat out, so... oh, if only Katherine were here, she's good at fixing engines!"
"We can do this, Charlie. I know you can. There must be an easy way to fix this."
"You have to turn the key to start the engine, don't you?" Charlie says, suddenly realising.
"Yes!"
He turns the key and the engine roars into life. And grunts, and groans, and clanks too. "We're coming to the rescue!"
They drive across town, and arrive in the street that Charlie was instructed to go to.
"What a dump," Logan says. "And why did he want us down a dark alley? There doesn't look like any rescuing needs to be done here."
"Someone wanted our help. We have to give it to them! We said on our fliers that we would, if we don't they might sue us!"
They park the X-Van and climb out, though Pietro is warned to stay inside. There's no one around, apart from a blind man with a white stick, which is red, but it's a white stick, if you get me.
"You ask him if it was him who called," Charlie whispers.
"No, you!"
"Oh, for goodness sake, I'll go." Logan sighs. "Hello?"
The man doesn't reply, just flicks his cane/white stick/red stick/oh you know what I mean and whacks Logan over the head with it, and then proceeds to beat Logan up.
"Am I allowed to hit back?" Logan calls to Charlie. "I mean, he's blind! But it's self defence!"
"Kill him!" Charlie yells, getting into the spirit of it.
"Who?" Logan asks, but gets his claws out pronto. But Logan's great strength, his claws, and his years of combat experience are no match for the blind man's speed, and he can't get a single hit. The blind man is hitting but Logan is healing and no one is winning.
"Die, damn you!" the blind man yells.
"Why are you picking on me?" Logan wails. "What have I ever done?"
The blind man stops, flicks his stick, and Logan finds himself with his hands tied. "There. Now you're not going anywhere, I will explain. I am Daredevil, the man without fear--"
"I know, I know, I saw the movie posters."
"Yes. And you're one of those X-Men."
"And?"
"And one of the X-Men wrote a really nasty article about me and got it published, and rather than suing you like anyone else would, I'd much rather trick you into a dark alley and then beat you up, because no proud superhero likes to be beaten by a blind man. Now I've explained, let me finish beating you up."
And so he continues, now with Logan tied up so he can't fight back.
"This is unfair! Katherine isn't even one of the X-Men anymore!"
"They all say that," Daredevil replies.
"Somebody help me!" he yells. "A blind man is kicking my butt in a fight!"
"NEIN!" yells a voice, leaping into the alley. "No one beats up my friends!" And so Kurt appears, and kicks Daredevil in the face. "Ha! Hi- yaa!"
As Kurt gets busy kicking Daredevil's butt, Katherine helps to untie Logan, and Bender says hello to Charlie.
"You're not mad at me then?" Logan asks hopefully.
"Of course I am! But Kurt told me to come and untie you."
"Oh. Well, I'm quite capable of doing it myself."
"Go on then."
Logan fiddles about with the string, trying to break free, and failing miserably.
"Hey, are you the leader of the X-Men? I'm Bender."
"No, I'm just a random wheelchair dude," Charlie replies. "Well, I got them together. I don't do much work though."
"Hey, that's cool. I mostly just cook for these guys. Kurt quite likes bacon, doesn't he?"
"When Ororo cooked at our place he used to drool over the frying pan."
"Yes, he does that to me." Bender grins. "They're great, all of them. Katherine, and Kurt, and Ororo and Jean, and Rogue, and Wanda. Wanda's a little difficult, but once you get used to her smashing everything and killing things, she's not so bad."
"That nice, but we miss them and we're having them back," Charlie informs her.
"What if they don't want to go back?" Bender asks.
"We're kidnapping them! Get them, Logan! Maggie! Pietro!"
There's a struggle, but somehow all the X-Men plus Bender end up in the van, and they drive away, 'Crawler driving. Daredevil is left unconscious in the alley. "We have to get home, and soon!" Kurt cries, thumping the accelerator.
"Maaaarrgggghh! Kurt!" Ororo yells.
"Slow down, you freak of nature!" Logan yells.
"I can't slow down, we're nearly at a corner! You speed up round corners, right?"
"NOOOO!" everyone howls, but he does anyway. Everyone's thrown to one side of the van, Jean on Ororo, Logan on Katherine, Kurt on Bender, Pietro on Rogue.
"We're all gonna die!" Rogue shrieks, and Maggie starts praying.
Bender and Charlie scream, happily enjoying the trip.
"Someone stop this maniac!" Jean yells.
There's suddenly a siren behind them, and flashing blue lights.
"Oooh, scheisse! The police!" Kurt yells. "Only one thing for it! We have to drive FASTER!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ororo yells. "Kurt, please, I'm begging you, I want to live!"
"You haven't lived until you've been in a vehicle with 'Crawler driving," Charlie says.
"I think you mean you won't live long!" Katherine cries. "What are we going to do?"
"Think, people, think!" Charlie yells. "There's got to be a way out of this that doesn't involve suicide or jail!"
"There isn't," Katherine says after a moment. "But the question is, do we just turn Kurt in, or do we all take the blame and do the right thing and all go to jail?"
"Drop Kurt in it!" Ororo yells, and everyone agrees.
"We have a jar of bail money, remember?" Katherine reminds them. "Come on Kurt, stop! We'll pay your bail, the worst that could happen is you spend a night in jail."
"Never! We're going to do this the illegal way!"
"He got his reckless streak off you, Charlie," Logan says. "And I really think I'm going to throw up."
"No!" Wanda squeals. "Don't throw up on me!"
"Kurt, STOP! I demand it!" Bender yells.
"No!" Kurt gives a maniac laugh. "You can't stop me!"
"Hello? Telepaths? Little help?" Katherine asks.
"Oh, right. Yeah. Use my mind control to make Kurt stop." Charlie looks sheepish. "Okay, I guess."
And so Kurt slams the breaks on, and somehow manages to ram into the back of an ice cream van. "Oops."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
Hehe. Stuff's happening, at last!!! I hope you enjoyed that. And my brother's friend, who only read a short bit of this, calls it "sub-reality stupidity", which I think sums it up pretty good. Oh, and this is chapter twenty, happy twentieth birthday lovely fic!!! Haha. Oh, and Bender is my own creation, not a Marvel character.
"Ohhh, you make my life full of such hard decisions!" Kurt complains. "How could I ever choose?"
"Let's have a pizza," Jean suggests.
"Jean, go out with me."
"No."
"Please Jean?"
"No, Ororo!"
"Please, please, please, please, please, with whipped cream on the top."
"Are you hinting at something?" Jean asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, I can't do that with Kurt!" Ororo wails. "Do you know what cream tastes like with hair in it?"
Kurt looks down. "I'm sorry, Ororo."
"It's okay! If Jean would just--"
"NO!" Jean yells. "No, no, no, and no again! I don't want to go out with you, Ororo!"
"Calm down, children," Bender says calmly.
"Mein Gott, it's like Charlie and Maggie morphed into one, beautiful female," Kurt comments.
"So are we having pizza?" Bender queries.
"Bender, you know what?" Kurt asks.
"What?"
"I think I'm in love with you."
"Kurt, can I tell you something now?" Bender asks cautiously. "You know, I have this weird idea we might be related."
"Damn! Well, that's the end of that then." He pauses. "Can we have mushrooms on our pizza?"
* * * * *
"What are we having for lunch, Uncle Logan?"
"Nothing. Katherine always does the grocery shopping and Katherine is not here."
"But I'm hungry, Uncle Logan."
"There might be a tin of beans or something in a cupboard."
Pietro bounces off into the kitchen to look for beans.
Maggie yawns. Charlie reaches for the TV remote in an idle sort of way and channel hops for a few minutes. Logan sighs and then says, "God, I am so bored."
"I miss the way Ororo threw tantrums every time something happened that she didn't like," Charlie says.
"I miss the way she once wanted to see if bald people conduct lightning better than those with hair," Logan adds.
"I don't," Charlie disagrees. "It was quite fun when she tried to get you to go out dressed in drag, Logan."
"No, it wasn't! You should be more responsible and not let us drink as much, Charlie."
"I miss the way Rogue would keep going, 'did you know I used to be a man?' to everyone," Maggie says quickly, to advert an argument.
"I miss how Katherine got all jealous because she wasn't a pendulum."
"I miss them!" Charlie wails. "We have to get them back!"
Just then, the phone rings.
"It's them!" Maggie shrieks. "Someone answer it!"
"You answer it!" Logan and Charlie yell together.
Then the phone stops ringing and Pietro walks in, holding it. "Hello? Oh. Oh, okay. You want Charlie? Yes, okay. CHARLIE! FOR YOU!" He hands the phone over to Charlie and then walks over to Logan.
"Uncle Logan, I found a tin of baked beans but you don't have a can opener."
"We don't need one. Here." Snickt. Logan slices the lid off with one of his claws. "Now be careful with that, because it's got very sharp edges."
"Do you have a plate I could put them on? Or a microwave to heat them in?"
"We did. But Ororo, our little scientist, did an experiment which involved explosions and a small fire. And then suddenly we didn't have a microwave anymore."
"Oh." Pietro nods understandingly. "At Mystique's house Wanda put my hamster in the microwave. She said it exploded. Mystique had to buy a new one. She put my Spider-Man action figure in the microwave too, though she says she didn't. And she put some of my Lego in a toaster."
"I wondered why our toaster stopped working," Maggie says.
Charlie puts the phone down, yelling rubbish at everyone. "That was--he said--we can--there's--mission--we have to--fire--"
"Slow down, Charlie."
"It was a man who wanted us to help him. He saw one of our fliers! He lives on the other side of town. Come on, uniforms on, ready the van, let's go-go-go!"
"I'm the only one with a uniform," Logan says pointedly. "And I don't even like it."
"Well, to the X-Mobile!"
* * * * *
"What's wrong with the engine?" Charlie cries. "Why won't it start?"
"Have you got the key in?" Maggie asks patiently. He and Charlie are sat in the front, and Pietro and Logan in the back.
"Yes, of course I have! I'm not stupid!"
"You filled it up?"
"Yes!"
"Who was the last one to drive it?"
"Well, Crawler Dude, I think. He tends to take the motor flat out, so... oh, if only Katherine were here, she's good at fixing engines!"
"We can do this, Charlie. I know you can. There must be an easy way to fix this."
"You have to turn the key to start the engine, don't you?" Charlie says, suddenly realising.
"Yes!"
He turns the key and the engine roars into life. And grunts, and groans, and clanks too. "We're coming to the rescue!"
They drive across town, and arrive in the street that Charlie was instructed to go to.
"What a dump," Logan says. "And why did he want us down a dark alley? There doesn't look like any rescuing needs to be done here."
"Someone wanted our help. We have to give it to them! We said on our fliers that we would, if we don't they might sue us!"
They park the X-Van and climb out, though Pietro is warned to stay inside. There's no one around, apart from a blind man with a white stick, which is red, but it's a white stick, if you get me.
"You ask him if it was him who called," Charlie whispers.
"No, you!"
"Oh, for goodness sake, I'll go." Logan sighs. "Hello?"
The man doesn't reply, just flicks his cane/white stick/red stick/oh you know what I mean and whacks Logan over the head with it, and then proceeds to beat Logan up.
"Am I allowed to hit back?" Logan calls to Charlie. "I mean, he's blind! But it's self defence!"
"Kill him!" Charlie yells, getting into the spirit of it.
"Who?" Logan asks, but gets his claws out pronto. But Logan's great strength, his claws, and his years of combat experience are no match for the blind man's speed, and he can't get a single hit. The blind man is hitting but Logan is healing and no one is winning.
"Die, damn you!" the blind man yells.
"Why are you picking on me?" Logan wails. "What have I ever done?"
The blind man stops, flicks his stick, and Logan finds himself with his hands tied. "There. Now you're not going anywhere, I will explain. I am Daredevil, the man without fear--"
"I know, I know, I saw the movie posters."
"Yes. And you're one of those X-Men."
"And?"
"And one of the X-Men wrote a really nasty article about me and got it published, and rather than suing you like anyone else would, I'd much rather trick you into a dark alley and then beat you up, because no proud superhero likes to be beaten by a blind man. Now I've explained, let me finish beating you up."
And so he continues, now with Logan tied up so he can't fight back.
"This is unfair! Katherine isn't even one of the X-Men anymore!"
"They all say that," Daredevil replies.
"Somebody help me!" he yells. "A blind man is kicking my butt in a fight!"
"NEIN!" yells a voice, leaping into the alley. "No one beats up my friends!" And so Kurt appears, and kicks Daredevil in the face. "Ha! Hi- yaa!"
As Kurt gets busy kicking Daredevil's butt, Katherine helps to untie Logan, and Bender says hello to Charlie.
"You're not mad at me then?" Logan asks hopefully.
"Of course I am! But Kurt told me to come and untie you."
"Oh. Well, I'm quite capable of doing it myself."
"Go on then."
Logan fiddles about with the string, trying to break free, and failing miserably.
"Hey, are you the leader of the X-Men? I'm Bender."
"No, I'm just a random wheelchair dude," Charlie replies. "Well, I got them together. I don't do much work though."
"Hey, that's cool. I mostly just cook for these guys. Kurt quite likes bacon, doesn't he?"
"When Ororo cooked at our place he used to drool over the frying pan."
"Yes, he does that to me." Bender grins. "They're great, all of them. Katherine, and Kurt, and Ororo and Jean, and Rogue, and Wanda. Wanda's a little difficult, but once you get used to her smashing everything and killing things, she's not so bad."
"That nice, but we miss them and we're having them back," Charlie informs her.
"What if they don't want to go back?" Bender asks.
"We're kidnapping them! Get them, Logan! Maggie! Pietro!"
There's a struggle, but somehow all the X-Men plus Bender end up in the van, and they drive away, 'Crawler driving. Daredevil is left unconscious in the alley. "We have to get home, and soon!" Kurt cries, thumping the accelerator.
"Maaaarrgggghh! Kurt!" Ororo yells.
"Slow down, you freak of nature!" Logan yells.
"I can't slow down, we're nearly at a corner! You speed up round corners, right?"
"NOOOO!" everyone howls, but he does anyway. Everyone's thrown to one side of the van, Jean on Ororo, Logan on Katherine, Kurt on Bender, Pietro on Rogue.
"We're all gonna die!" Rogue shrieks, and Maggie starts praying.
Bender and Charlie scream, happily enjoying the trip.
"Someone stop this maniac!" Jean yells.
There's suddenly a siren behind them, and flashing blue lights.
"Oooh, scheisse! The police!" Kurt yells. "Only one thing for it! We have to drive FASTER!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ororo yells. "Kurt, please, I'm begging you, I want to live!"
"You haven't lived until you've been in a vehicle with 'Crawler driving," Charlie says.
"I think you mean you won't live long!" Katherine cries. "What are we going to do?"
"Think, people, think!" Charlie yells. "There's got to be a way out of this that doesn't involve suicide or jail!"
"There isn't," Katherine says after a moment. "But the question is, do we just turn Kurt in, or do we all take the blame and do the right thing and all go to jail?"
"Drop Kurt in it!" Ororo yells, and everyone agrees.
"We have a jar of bail money, remember?" Katherine reminds them. "Come on Kurt, stop! We'll pay your bail, the worst that could happen is you spend a night in jail."
"Never! We're going to do this the illegal way!"
"He got his reckless streak off you, Charlie," Logan says. "And I really think I'm going to throw up."
"No!" Wanda squeals. "Don't throw up on me!"
"Kurt, STOP! I demand it!" Bender yells.
"No!" Kurt gives a maniac laugh. "You can't stop me!"
"Hello? Telepaths? Little help?" Katherine asks.
"Oh, right. Yeah. Use my mind control to make Kurt stop." Charlie looks sheepish. "Okay, I guess."
And so Kurt slams the breaks on, and somehow manages to ram into the back of an ice cream van. "Oops."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
Hehe. Stuff's happening, at last!!! I hope you enjoyed that. And my brother's friend, who only read a short bit of this, calls it "sub-reality stupidity", which I think sums it up pretty good. Oh, and this is chapter twenty, happy twentieth birthday lovely fic!!! Haha. Oh, and Bender is my own creation, not a Marvel character.