Rating: PG
Spoilers: None. At least not when you've seen S10 up to 10.07 – "Death and Taxes".
Summary: Carter returns from Africa and meets Abby.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything … ; )
Feedback: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! nette_mails@yahoo.de or use the review button. ; )
Author's notes: Another answer to the challenge on OCOH. There'll be several fics with the same title. ; ) And it was so hard to bring it down to 3,000 words … ; )Oh, and I saw that people asked what "OCOH" stands for and what it is in Tracey's reviews. It's a little Carby message board ( the link is in my profile because it won't let me post it here … ) and means "One Can Only Hope". ; ) Take a look if you have a moment – maybe you want to write for the next challenge, too. ; ) We have one every month …
But now to the fic. ; ) I hope you'll like it a bit …
"Welcome Home Stranger""Hey, are you off?" Susan asks me as she enters the lounge.
I'm sitting on the couch with my eyes closed. I'm exhausted and I thought I might be able to take a little nap between all the patients.
"I wish I was," I sigh, getting up in a more sitting position as Susan sits down next to me. "Are you?" I ask her.
"Wishing I was off?" she teases me with a grin.
I just roll my eyes at her. I'm too tired for jokes and she seems to notice. "No, two more hours as well. Long day?" she asks.
"One could say that. I'd call twelve hours and two more to go long."
"Wow, I'm surprised that you can still keep your eyes open."
"Me, too," I sigh again. "I guess being med student and nurse at the same time was not the best idea."
"Nope," she says dryly and with a serious face before she breaks out in a grin again.
I hit her arm playfully, but I can't hide the little smile on my face either. After all, that's what I wanted. And I love being back in med school.
I don't even want to think about the fact that I'll have to study once I'm home, but I'm happy – I think. Something I didn't think I could really be again. Not since he left.
I'd surely be happier with him in my life. But I don't really want to think about that. It always makes me feel even worse. And I told myself that I'd move on with my life – he was right, I can't put it on hold forever. I wish I realized that earlier and not only after he left.
Don't wait for me. I told myself I wouldn't.
Probably not even he knows when he'll be back anyway. Or if he'll be back at all. It's weird, it's been so long now – it seems so unreal. I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel a little sting in my heart when I have these thoughts. I would never admit it, but I miss him. Of course I'm mad at him. But ever since he left I think about him every day.
What is he doing right now? Did he forget me? Is he still alive?
These questions are on my mind all the time. I thought it would get better after a while. But I lost hope for that. He'll always have a place in my heart.
As much as I miss him though, I wonder what I'd do if he actually was back.
My head says screw him. But my heart – I just can't stop loving him.
Though I think I'm over him. That's at least what I tell myself every day – and everyone who wants to hear. Maybe it'll be true one day.
"Fancy a girl's night out after work?" Susan suddenly asks.
I shrug my shoulders. I can't really, but on the other hand, I'd like to distract myself – we haven't been out for ages.
"Come on," she says and nudges my side with her elbow. "It'll be fun."
"I don't know ... I'm not really in the mood for fun. And I have still a lot to study for."
But it's that easy to turn her down. "Pleeease? And I'll help you afterwards, okay? I was good in med school," she adds with a wink.
"I bet," I say, sighing deeply, but smiling at her.
"Is that a yes?" she asks excitedly.
I roll my eyes. "Okay, but really not for long."
"You won't regret it Abs," she tells me as she gets up from the couch, holding out her hands for me to take them. "Come on, work is waiting. Or do you want to wait for Weaver to pop in and yell at us?" she asks with a smirk.
I take her hands and get up quickly. "Nope."
"I thought so."
"But your enthusiasm is sickening, Susan."
She gives me a look – trying to look serious. "What? I love my work."
"Yeah, sure you do," I say with a wink before Susan's and my way parts and she disappears in an exam room.
Maybe it's a good idea to go out after all. She's such a good friend and she can surely cheer me up. She always could when I was down because of Carter.
Not that it happened often lately. I've managed to deal with it more or less over the months. Still, Susan is pretty much the only person who knows a little of what I really feel.
But enough mourning over Carter for today. I have patients to see.
"Mr Morris, right?" I ask the elder man with a smile as I push the curtain aside.
He just nods. He seems a little scared. I think he knows what's to come.
"I need a blood sample," I tell him.
"I'm scared of needles," he whines as I prepare the syringe to draw his blood.
"It won't hurt," I say and smile at him as Jing – Mei's voice catches my attention.
"Hey, welcome home stranger," I hear her say.
I turn around to see who she's welcoming when I see him.
Carter.
I think my heart stops beating – but only for a moment because right now I can feel it pounding in my chest while I begin to feel sick.
I didn't expect him to be back – especially not today.
I don't think I can face him right now. I'm not ready yet.
So much about being over him. It worked to tell myself that while he was thousands of miles away. But now that he's only a few metres away from me ... all the feelings inside of me come back to the surface at his sight – no matter how hard I'm trying to fight them.
I just stand there and stare at him, watch him and Jing – Mei greet each other.
I'm torn between running away and going over to him to ... – I don't even know what I would do. Welcome him home like nothing happened? Yell? Cry?
A sudden "Ouch!" by Mr Morris brings me out of the debate going on in my head and reminds me that the needle is still in his arm.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I say quickly as I tear my eyes away from Carter to concentrate on my patient again. But it's easier said than done.
I decide to close the curtain.
"Are you sure you've done this before?" he asks me, slightly annoyed.
He's right. I'm not in the state to treat patients.
Luckily Sam just walks past.
"Could you please draw his blood?" I ask her before I disappear quickly.
I head towards the lady's room – I think the only place where I won't run into him accidentally. I need a moment alone.
Once I reach it I lock myself in one of the empty stalls and try to calm down.
But it's easier said than done. My heart is still racing and I'm breathing quickly.
I rest my head against the cool door and try to think about what to do.
Leaving without seeing him? Wouldn't make much sense if he's back for good.
Confront him with my thoughts? I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for that …
Maybe leaving is the best option – at least for the moment.
And what is he thinking?
He's been gone for months and now he just shows up. I thought he was found …
And he didn't say anything before. I know he's good at writing letters – why didn't he warn anyone? Is he trying to hurt me? Or does he think I don't care?
That could be it. I know I thought I wouldn't care. Now I know I was wrong. It's like he was not gone at all. I still feel the same for him.
A sudden knock at the door startles me – I hope it's not him.
"Abby, are you in there?"
I sigh deeply; it's not him. That's good, though I still need time to think. But to just ignore her won't work. She knows I'm in here.
"I'll be right out. Tell the patient to wait a second," I say.
I hear her sighing. "It's not about the patient, Abby. I've met Carter in the hallway. Did you see him?"
She waits a second before she speaks again and takes the silence as a yes.
"Can I come in?"
I debate with myself for a second before I open the door. She won't give up anyway.
I lean against one of the walls while she leans against the wall opposite of me.
"Are you okay?"
I shrug my shoulders, looking at the now very interesting floor. "Did you talk to him?"
She nods. "But we only greeted each other. He asked for you. I told him I'd see if I can find you somewhere."
I feel my heart skip a beat. He asked for me …
"Do you want to talk to him?"
I shrug my shoulders again. "I … I don't think can. I don't know what to say." I'm still hurt and scared that he'll hurt me even more.
"What do you want to do?" she asks after a while.
I shake my head. "I don't know. Maybe just sneak out – hoping he won't see me … "
She laughs a little. She knows I can't be serious. "That could work for now – but you can't avoid him for the rest of the time you work at County. You'll meet him sooner or later."
"So he's back for good?"
She nods.
"Did he say why he came back?"
She shakes her head. "But I'm sure he'd tell you if you talked to him."
I shake my head again. "I can't face him Susan – not yet."
She sighs and comes over to me. "But you have to talk to him."
"I do? Are you on his side or what?" I snap at her. But I regret it immediately when I see the look of concern on her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to … but I just can't. After the way he left … and now he just comes back. I just can't face him … ," I trail off, looking at the floor again.
"Abby, I see how much this situation hurts you both," she says and puts her hand on my shoulder. "And you know I'm not on his side – I'm not on anyone's side. I'm your friend and I won't push you while you're not ready. But I can't stand it to see you unhappy. And I think the best to sort it out would be if you just talked to him."
Why does she always have to be so damn right?
***
"Oh, that guy is cute," she screams. At least I think that's what she screamed.
But I ask just to make sure. "What?" I yell back.
This place is so loud. I wonder where she knows it from. It's even weirder than the Lava Lounge.
But I would have gone with her almost anywhere – as long as she agreed not to meet Carter today. And the only way was to have the promised girl's night out.
"That guy over there," she confirms my guess. "He looks cute."
I smile at her. "Go get him then," I tell her with a smirk.
She shakes her head. "No, he's not my type. I thought for you," she winks at me.
I turn my head over to the bunch of people standing near the bar. I don't have to search for long to see who she meant.
He looks so much like Carter. Well, maybe not so much. But after the recent events I'm not surprised to feel tears forming in my eyes as I see him and – what seems to be – his girlfriend kissing each other. Now I can't even look at happy couples anymore ...
I turn back around and look down at my glass of water, playing with the piece of lemon sticking at the rim of it. "Seems like he's already taken ... "
"Abby?" she asks carefully, putting her arm around me. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"Oh, you didn't, don't worry," I say and look up at her, trying to look at least a little okay.
But I know she doesn't buy it. "Promise me to talk to him, okay?"
I nod as she wraps her arms around me.
And I'll keep my promise.
***
I'm sitting on my couch now, watching TV. Though I'm not really watching. But the blaring of Jeopardy in the background is soothing.
I should study – or go to bed even; it's late. But I can't concentrate on studying and I surely won't be able to sleep.
A sudden knock at the door startles me.
I'm thinking about not answering it. But it might be Susan. She only left me reluctantly after she dropped me off at home. And the lights are on … she knows I'm here.
I wrap a blanket around my body and walk towards the door.
"Yeah?" I ask. Maybe it's not Susan.
"Abby … it's me."
I take a step back. My heart is back to racing again. I didn't expect him to come over …
"Abby?" he says again. "I'm sorry, I know it's late. But can we please talk?"
I guess I can't deny that I'm at home now.
So I open the door as much as the chain lets me and look at him.
I'm overwhelmed at his sight. He looks like he did back then.
I feel the need to wrap my arms around him.
But too much happened.
"Can I come in?"
I hesitate a second but then I let him in. As much as I want to hate him and send him away – I can't.
He takes a few steps and I follow him after locking the door again.
"Hey," he says shyly as I stand in front of him.
"Hey."
He takes a deep breath. "Abby … I'm sorry. I didn't mean for all that to happen … "
"Then why?" I cut him short. I can't wait to get answers now. I've been waiting for too long. "Do you know how much it hurt to see you go? And if you thought about me as you said, then why did you go – again? Why the letter? And why are you back after all those months?"
This time I take a deep breath. It's out. And it wasn't that hard.
He looks down at the floor for what seems like forever before he looks up again. "I … I don't know. I don't know why I left. I was so confused. Gamma died … I didn't know how to handle that. I thought Africa would help. I didn't mean to push you away, to hurt you. I know I did, but you have to believe me that I didn't mean to. And that I'm sorry."
I nod. I don't want to interrupt him.
"And the letter … ," he starts. "Back then I thought it was right. I didn't want you to wait for me. I didn't know when I'd be back. And I thought it would make things easier for you … "
I can't hold myself back any longer. "You though it was better for me? Did you really think that?" I almost yell now. How could he think it would make anything easier? "You think to leave me with the letter would be better? You didn't even give me a chance to defend myself in any way."
I stop when he comes over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders.
"I don't know. There's no excuse. I'm sorry. I wasn't myself."
I shrug his hands off my shoulders. "It's not that easy, Carter. I can't just forget about everything and go back to where we were when you left. We didn't talk anymore. Something went really wrong and we drifted apart. We have to change some things if we want to give us another chance."
"I want to," he interrupts me.
"We have to find ourselves before we have a chance, we have to change."
"I did," he says and looks into my eyes. "Africa changed me. For the better this time. I realized that to run away is no solution."
I want to believe him. "I changed, too you know? I'm back in med school … "
His face lights up and he looks honestly happy for me. "I … I didn't know that. It's a great decision. You'll do great as a doctor."
I smile at him. "And in a way I have to thank you for this. For the letter. For opening my eyes. It was the wake up call I needed. You leaving me the way you did, the letter … that helped me to finally make the changes I knew were necessary for a while now."
There's a moment of silence. We're on much better terms now, but there's still something I need to know. "What made you come back? What's different now?" I whisper.
"I realized how much I've missed you and … that I love you," he says as he suddenly leans down to kiss my lips gently.
I want to pull away from him but it feels too good and I can feel he means it. Though he seems to have the same doubts.
"I'm sorry," he says as he pulls back quickly. "I shouldn't have done that. I know we need time," he adds, looking guilty.
"It's okay," I say, hesitating to answer him. We're surely not where we need to be yet, but in the end I can't not say it. "I love you, too," I whisper as he pulls me into his arms.
Maybe we were both lost – but I think now we're on the right way to be found soon.