Chapter 14
February 13, 1999. Daylight. We were at Amber's now, in Indianapolis. A normal afternoon was proceeding as Amber was in our bedroom, reading something most likely. And I was in the living room, watching a movie. I had grown tired of flipping through channels so I was watching a tape. The Silence of the Lambs. Great movie. I'd always likes that one.
Just as he was saying: "Plum Island Animal Disease Research Center…sounds charming," she walked into the room, cradling little unborn Claudette on her forearm. She looked tired, exhausted and almost angry.
"Kane why do you have to watch that damn movie? Haven't you seen it enough times?" She sounded a bit moany, whining against her own will. I tried not to laugh, knowing that she didn't mean it and was just feeling strange because of the pregnancy.
"No, I haven't," I said to her calmly. "Would you like to join me, cherié?" she looked for a moment like she would cry as she looked to me and then down the hall towards her bedroom as if she couldn't bear to make a decision and even the simplest of things were tearing her apart. I pitied her then and walked over to her, hugging her in the only bit of comfort that I could think to give her. She collapsed onto me for the most part and cried softly. I was alarmed at that. "What's wrong?"
She wiped her eyes groggily. "I feel so gross, Kane. Like I just don't know what to do or where to sit down and…" she whined now, "…my hair, it's all in my way and-"
"Shh…" I rubbed her back and ran my hands over her hair. I brought her into our bedroom, secretly wanting not to be there but still watching my movie, which I could still hear. At that though I almost laughed at myself, but held it back for fear of upsetting her.
Tears rolled down her cheeks, most likely against her own will. "Kane I'm tired," she mumbled. I bent down and kissed to top of her head before leaving her to stand there for a moment so that I could make our bed. Within a minute or two at most it was done, and I led her to it and helped her get in under the blankets. A smile came over her that made her look stoned. "So comfy…" she whispered. She pilled the blankets up to her chin and moaned, and then closed her eyes. Within about thirty seconds she was asleep.
I walked out of the room quietly, not meaning to disturb her as I went back to my movie. In the living room I stood staring at the television for a moment, my conscience coming in to play. I wanted to watch it, yes, but I knew that the right thing to do would be to go stay with Amber. I groaned as I pushed the stop button and then turned off the TV and made my way back to her.
Amber had a way of looking supremely innocent when she slept. Very angelic. Of course that beauty didn't cease to exist while she was awake but when she slept she looked like an angel, like right then. She was pale, but cheeks full and pink, and eyes closed with her eyelashes looking very dark and defining to her eyes. Her hair lay around her face, dark and healthy and clean looking.
When I saw this I forgot all about Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling and wanted nothing more than to be with her. My angel.
It was four thirty in the afternoon…I didn't want to take a nap with her. And so instead I pulled up a chair beside the bed and simply gazed at her. My angel. After a few moments I decided that the silence was simply maddening and so I walked over to the stereo, which held her Third Eye Blind CD. Lately heavy metal had been giving her a headache and she'd resolved to more mellow things. I put the disc on random, as I hate listening to songs in order. Track twelve came on first. The Background. I had heard the song once or twice but never really cared to pay attention. But now I listened to the lyrics carefully.
"Everything is quiet
Since you're not around
And I live in numbness now
In the background."
It reminded me of my mother.
"I do the things we did before.
I walked Haight Street to the store
And they say 'Where's that crazy girl
You don't get drunk on red wine
And fight no more.'
I don't see you anymore
Since the hospital
The plans I made still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And I'm hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I
Carry you around
In the background."
I wondered what the song was about. It didn't matter really but I always thought of things like that because then it would be easier to relate to the musician. Relating to song lyrics was easy. It wasn't the same. That's the beauty with songs. They are meant in the way that you interpret them. A singer can sing about his forever gone girlfriend and a listener can relate it to their forever gone mother.
"Words they come and memories all repeat
I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets
And I would never lie to you no
I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through
We were through
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view…"
I couldn't pry my eyes away from Amber as I heard the song. It was so damn sad. My eyes drifted to the round shape of her womb, our Claudette. Any day now…
Many things were going through my head at that time. Not worries, really, in fact I was very confident that everything would be fine; that Claudette would be fine and Amber would be fine and that we would have a pretty and a healthy daughter. I had no doubt that all that stuff would work out and no harm would arise. But what I wondered about was more along the lines of her being my daughter and what that would feel like and what all her years could turn out to be. The strange thing was that I could visualize nothing because I had not the slightest clue what to expect. I thought of things that I knew would happen though…her first words, first steps…then later on her first day of school or her first boyfriend and her first job and her driver's license and her wedding and even her children so that the cycle would start again. The rest of my life would be defined by Claudette, each year that passed would be her growing up while Amber and I raised her. And this gave me concrete plans for the rest of my life. It was that simple.
I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. Amber slept still as the next song came on. Good For You. Ah, yes, I knew this song by name. I liked it. Definitely I liked it. One of my favorites.
"Hey, will you stay awhile?
My smile will not mislead you
Cause I've been alone
My faith turned to stone
Still there's something in you
That I believe in
Close to the pierce
I go wild and fierce
Still I let you be
I feel you next to me
Cause inside I feel
A wind that starts to blow
I'm taken in your undertow
Everything is fine…
But I'm lonely all the time
"All I wanna do is be there
For the things that you're going through
Is it good for you?
Is it good for you?
Cause you haunt the nights when I don't know
Where my life should go
Is it good for you?
Is it good for you?
"Hey child, please stay awhile
My smile will not mislead you
And roll me out
I go wild with doubt
I grab at you
I can't stop grabbing at you
Cause I feel you cross my mind
In disarray
Intoxicated ricochet
There's nothing wrong
Just don't take too long."
Again I wondered from where the lyrics had sprung. It was a song that I wouldn't totally relate to. But it reminded me of myself…old me, from a year earlier. I may have thought that about a woman who'd refused me or a friend that was ignoring me. But right then it meant nothing to me, though it still remained a favorite of mine.
As all the songs played and I could try to think of what they meant there were a few that I heard that, honestly, almost made me cry. They reminded me of my love for Amber and how we had countless years together, about how the rest of our lives would be defined with each other and Claudette. That thought in itself made tears come on.
A year earlier I hated myself. I hated the world and everyone in it and each time I woke in the morning I would think, "Oh great. I've survived even longer." But since then, and especially since we'd been married, when I would wake up to see her I would think: "Yaaaaay!! It's Amber! And Claudette! Another day of fun!!"
It amazed me that my life could make such a significant change in a year. But it was good. Because if I had stayed like that for much longer I would've really wasted my life. And I wouldn't have given anything for the time I had with Amber. That was why I felt we were fated to be together.
And the song Motorcycle Drive by really showed me that when it came on.
"Summer time and the wind is blowing
Outside in lower Chelsea
And I don't know
What I'm doing in this city
The sun is always in my eyes
It crashes through the window
And I'm sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That's when I knew
That I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive.
"Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
Cigarette ash flies into your eyes
And you don't mind
And you smile
And say the world doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you
You're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt
Guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you
And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you'd never see it happen
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive
"Where's the soul
I want to know
New York City's evil
The surface is everything
But I could never do that
Someone would see through that
And this is the last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you and you'll wonder
Who I am
And there is this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
Alone
And I've
And I've
I've never been so alive
So alive…
"I go home to the coast
It starts to rain
I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've…never been so alone
And I've…never been so alive."
I wanted to cry as I listened to that, just break down and cry, for all the things that I feared and all the things that I could remember happening to me. But then I smiled. It wasn't possible, was it? That anything could happen to us? Of course not. I was being silly. And paranoid.
It was dark out now, which I had been ignoring, but after I'd lost my long reflective train of thought it began to bother me. I turned on the light that stood on Amber's vanity table. It was dim, romantic seeming or something, so wasn't bright enough to wake her up.
My stomach growled…I was hungry, and I knew that she would be too soon. I walked into the kitchen, deciding to make soup, which she'd been craving over the past month or so. I put it on the stove and went into the living room and turned The Silence of the Lambs back on to see Chilton with his headphones. I laughed a little upon hearing Anthony Hopkins saying "Terry-fying". Ha. That was the best part of the movie. I stood in the doorway of the dining room, so that I could watch the movie and also step back a foot when I needed to in order to see the progress of the soup. And also through the hall to the bedroom door where I could see Amber sleeping.
Just as the soup was ready and I was going to walk over to her and wake her up, she sat up by herself, fully awake before I reached her.
When I saw the alarm on her face I asked her, "What's wrong?" but then she just kinda smiled, as if she knew she should be happy but was still alarmed nonetheless. "Amber, what is it?" I asked her again.
"My water just broke…"