Chapter 14: The Talk and Then Some
Joren and Neal didn't actually get to talk until two days before he was set to leave. The word had gotten out despite his request, and he was barraged by well-meaning friends giving him advice and farewell gifts. All that, on top of packing and the last-minute diplomacy lessons.
The knock on the door interrupted him for the nth time today, and Joren was thinking of leaving a day early to escape the goodbyes. But when he opened the door, all thoughts of leaving disappeared from his mind.
Neal stood outside, looking ill at ease. "Can I talk to you?" He all but whispered.
Joren nodded mutely, holding the door open for the older squire to enter. Neal did, and then stood awkwardly in the middle of the room until Joren gestured the bed. "Uh, there really isn't any sitting room." All the chairs were covered in his things. Joren was having a hard time deciding what to bring and what to leave behind. He had decided to ask Kel what things he should bring, but wasn't sure how to approach her.
Neal sat down on one corner, while Joren remained standing. He felt like he needed some sort of advantage. Awkward silence reigned until Joren broke it with false cheer.
"Your friends must be happy to see me go." Joren smiled wryly.
Neal cleared his throat. "I suppose most of them are. But I'm not." He looked up directly into Joren's eyes.
Joren gulped. So Neal wanted to talk about this directly. He didn't know if he felt excitement or panic, probably both. "Uh, w-well thank you." He blushed fiercely, unable to hold Neal's gaze.
Neal clenched his shaking hands. He had to get this out! "I'm sorry if I haven't spoke to you… you know… before. I had a lot to think about."
Joren sat down on the bed beside Neal. It was better than looking at him. "I don't blame you. I don't really want to rehash what happened." His voice was soft.
Neal touched his hand briefly and gently, as if afraid to bruise the very pale skin. "I don't either. But there are some things I want to tell you." He was also whispering.
Joren turned towards him expectantly, his hand tingling where Neal had touched it. "Joren, I-I don't hate you anymore. W-what I feel, it's not hate." Joren's heart lurched. Mithros, is he saying what I think he's saying? He didn't know what to say, and so he kept silent.
Neal hesitated before continuing. "I had the impression that you don't… hate me either." Joren was shivering a little.
"I never did." Neal had to strain his ears to hear the admission. His heart skipped a beat. He was right! After a pause, he touched Joren's hand again. This time, he held on to it.
"I don't know if you've ever… uhm, been with a… you know." Neal was at a loss for words. "But I don't want to rush you. I think I'm starting to…" He cleared his throat. "Uhm, but I need some time too. And you're leaving so we've got time, right?" He looked at Joren's face.
Joren was biting his lip, fighting the urge to knock his hand away from Neal's. The older boy was right. Although he loves Neal, he definitely wasn't ready for anything like a relationship. "Yeah. I think we should go slow." He said softly, looking up.
Their eyes caught. Neal murmured. "I'll write, I promise." Joren smiled, and it was the most beautiful thing Neal had seen. He hadn't realized how seldom Joren really smiled, without it being malicious. He looked at the younger boy's lips and was entranced.
Joren caught his breath. Neal was staring at his lips. And leaning forward… He closed his eyes and opened his lips instinctively. Neal kissed Joren almost chastely. But he put all of his feelings into the act. A kiss has never felt like this before, even with all those experienced women at the brothel in the city! And then Joren had kissed him back. It was bliss, a few seconds of utter bliss before someone knocked at his door.
"Joren?" Kel's voice. The two jumped apart guiltily. Neal was distracted by the redness of Joren's lips before standing away from the bed in panic. After getting his heart under control, Joren slowly opened the door to admit the female squire.
"There you are! Are you still packing? You don't need much clothes, Joren. My parents will probably provide..." Kel stopped when she saw Neal. After a pause, she grinned at the two red faces. "Oh, you two finally made up. It's about time." She entered the room, shoving a box into Joren's hands. "I just wanted to give you my gift. See you guys!"
She turned to leave, but Neal caught her arm. "Uh, I have to go as well. I'll… I'll see you later, Joren." He smiled at the boy, his love apparent in his eyes.
Joren just stood there, holding a blue box in his hands. "Actually, I need to talk to you Kel." He blurted out. Kel was only too happy to stay and help with the packing.
Before he left, Neal looked at the two heads sifting through the clothes and things. His best friend and his… boyfriend? Although Neal was almost sure of his feelings, he was still wary of the idea of him being… that way. He needed time to get used to the idea. He needed time to be able to tell everyone. Although Kel seemed to already know.
Will the others hate him for feeling this way? Doubly because Joren was a guy and the guy was Joren? The enforced distance bought him some much-needed time to gauge the reactions of the others, and to convince them—and himself—that this was not wrong. Still, despite the problems, Neal walked away from the room in a lighter mood, as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. On the plus plus plus side, Joren was a great kisser!