The Book of Jad
In the time of the reign of king Bush, in the village of New Hyde Park there was a man named Hezbiah. This man was righteous in the eyes of the lord. He took a wife named Mom. He lay with her and she was conceived the next day. The following night an Angel appeared before Hezbiah. The Angel said in a gentle but serene voice, "I am En- Zer the Angel of Mercy." Hezbiah was frightened and wept in his presence. En-zer said, "Do not be afraid here, here's a napkin. In two months you will give birth to a child. This child will shine and bring light to this world. He will be the diamond in the ruff. Hezbiah jumped with joy and said, " Can I have 3 and a half dollars to buy a subway sandwich." En-zer replied, "Yes".
Two Months later Mom was having labor pains. And on the twilight Mom gave birth to him. He came out shining like a flow of molten lava. Splash onto the floor. Hezbiah and Mom waited another 2 months for it to cool. When it finally cooled down from the crackled ash rose a baby. Hezbiah gave him the Hebrew name Albert Chyn (translation: An expulsion of hot steam). Albert spent most of his days in New Hyde Park. But one day Hezbiah lost sight of him and Albert was lost for 40 days. When all hope was lost Hezbiah finally went to the church to pray. In the church he found Albert. Hezbiah raged and shouted, "You were lost for 40 days and you were here the whole time". Albert rebuked him, " Wrath not my daddy for would if was lost would not I seek shelter under the wings of my father." Hezbiah was humbled and bought Albert a ps2.
When Albert was at the age of manhood (13) he was to be baptized. En-zer the Angel who had saw piety in Albert came down into human form to help Albert and to guide him in paths of righteousness. Albert came to the angel now called Josh (the angel formaley know as En-zer) Josh and said, "Baptize Me". Josh replied, "Is it not I who need to be baptized by you?" Albert responded, "How bout 50 bucks then?" Josh, "Okah".
The Dark One, Leroy Whitman saw the Harmony in Albert and was alarmed. The fallen angel called his most loyal devil and lover Max Muthalathu. Leroy, "Follow Albert Chyn throughout his life and report everything to me, try to tempt him and change his will." Max replied, "Yes my Liege." In 3 years after his baptism Max was mortalized into this world.
Max knew Albert only weakness so he then took a stone spirit and turned it into a female. Albert was at school one day and this beautiful girl caught his eye. She was drawing water from the water fountain. Albert quickly ran over and asked for her name. She replied, "I am Julia daughter of Hanesh high priest of the Nassau community." Albert replied, "My throat is parched from my long day of studying please draw some water for me to drink. She drew the water and he drank. After that day she was in the eyes of Albert. Albert found out that Julia was already betrothed to another, Randomguy. So one day Albert lead randomguy into the courtyard were he slayed randomguy. In 9th period God came down and said Albert where is my son randomguy. Albert replied, "Am I Not my brothers keeper!" "What have you done with him the ground soiled with his blood cries out to me!" Albert fell before the lord's presence, "I am sorry all I wanted was some hoochy coochy." God replied, "You shall have your wish but the weight of your sins cannot be annulled. God swung his fist and smited Albert father Hezbiah. He was buried with his father in the valley of David. Albert wept forty hours and fourty minutes. When the ninth hour struck, he ate a pizza and was tired from all the crying so he layed with Julia. When Albert was "with" Julia Max came and tempted Albert. "Albert you did not use protection and you might conceive, you don't want a child at such a young age. Why not spill your seed on the floor to save you some trouble. Albert listened and spilled his seed on the floor. God was furious and cursed Julia's womb. The Morning after She gave birth to two sons Dominic Zelek and Simon Abrahms.
A Moon after, Josh hurried to Albert and said, "Flee this place. The Lord's wrathe is upon this land and he will obliterate it from this plain." Albert fell to his knees and saw an audience with God. Albert said, "God why destroy this place". God replied, "I have seen much corruption in this land of Great Neck (Hebrew translation Sodom) and New Hyde Park (Hebrew translation Gomorrah) so I will wipe it out but the next generation will be spared. Albert responded, "If I might incline if I can find 50 holy people will you turn your hand away" "So be it my son" "Might I be inclined to even say if they are 25 holy people will you spare this land" "Your words will be honored my son" "Oh mighty father might it be to farfetched to be inclined to say if there is 1 holy person in this land that your wrath might stray away." "Yes my son if you find even ONE holy person in this forsaken land I will spare it." Albert hurried away to convince people to do good.
Albert ran into the main hall and yelled out, "Please Repent and be Saved" but the people's heart was cold and they turned away. Albert ran up to some African Americans and screamed, "please repent and turn away from your sinful ways" The AAs responded, "Who are you to judge we're gonna beat you up now" Albert wailed, "Please spare me and take my virgin sons Dominic and Simon do whatever you want to do with them". Albert then ran away to tell more people. Josh hurried to Albert and said, " The hour is upon us". Albert ran and left the school with Julia leaving his sons.
When the hour was upon them A Legion of Angels came and rained flaming brimstone on Great Neck and New Hyde Park. As Albert was running away from the catastrophe Julia looked back and she became a pillar of salt. During the confusion of the blasts an Angel lost his way and crashed in front of Albert. Albert said to the Angel, "My little prince what is your name?" " I am Philip The Angel of Retribution." Albert answered, "My poor outcasted lamb, are you lost?" Philip replied, "Yes I have strayed from my path and I have fallen here in front of you." Albert, "Come with me And I will be your shepherd and guide you in paths of righteousness." Philip spitingly answered, "I am An Angel one of God exalted how could a human be my master" Albert rebuked him and said, "It is harder for an exalted to enter the city of God then it is a camel (translation Nilesh) to fit through an eye of a needle." Philip was humbled and fell to his knees; he devoured his wings and became tamed. That day Albert had 2 disciples. Josh and Philip.
Albert was lonely without his mistress, God saw this and while Albert was sleeping under a tree he took one of his kidneys, and out of man God made sheman. When Albert awoke he found this woman on his lap. He grabbed her and rejoiced, he named her "Rosalyn" which in Hebrew means "One who gives lap". Albert lay with her for 40 days and 40 nights. On the 41rst night she bore him a daughter which she named Rachel which translates to "When Albert walks he gets ticklish then must stop and check to straighten the ticklish which he later then tells someone about the feeling but gets humiliated". Rosalyn then died for she had used up all her life force. Albert was grief stricken and he buried her over his old house in New Hyde Park. He then laid with Rachel and that place was name Kadesh (Hebrew translation:The water which come out of the ground)
The next day Albert wanted to journey to the holy village Windsor Gate. Max again saw an opportunity to delay Albert. Albert was picking a way of transportation when Max came to them with a camel. Max sold them the camel saying it was the best and strongest camel. While Albert was on the camel's back Max threw a rock and broke one of the camels leg. The camel slowly stumbled but regained his balance for he did not want Albert the cleanest of clean to touch the soil. Albert saw this and had compassion. He immediately got off and said, "You are truly mans best friend" He waved his hand and the camel was transformed into a man. Albert asked, "What is thy name" The camel answered, "I am a camel I have no name so you can refer to me as Nilesh (Hebrew translation camel)." So Nilesh became Albert's disciple. But whenever Nilesh ran, the burden of his left leg would be unbearable and his body would tilt right.
They arrived at Windsor Gate only to find a centurion guarding Windsor gate. Albert, " Please loyal guard I beseech you move so we might pass" The Centurion took one look at Nilesh and said, "I am Gary Jeoung The Pike man, Camels are not permitted through these gates. Nilesh shouted, "I am HUMAN!" Gary turned to Albert, "But if I were to be compensated some how" he said eyeing Albert cool designer jacket. Albert shook his head and replied, "This is the coat of covenant he who touches it touches judgment onto himself." Just then a gust blew and Alberts cool cool jacket blew onto the ground. Gary picked up the jacket to give back to Albert but when he touched the jacket the lord struck him down. The Lord took Gary's right ear for he did not use it to obey his words. Gary wept on the floor and Albert had pity. He took Gary into his arms and said, "Shhh baby it's gonna be alright Daddys here, come with me I have need of you". Gary became Albert's disciple and they entered the city.
Albert proclaimed the word of God and many believed. One afternoon when they were walking they saw a beggar covered in filth. Albert went over and asked, "Filthy bum what ails you." The beggar responded, "I am Reginth thomas the blind I was born blind" The disciples asked Albert, "Who sinned this man or his parents" Albert replied, "Neither" and he spat in Reginth's face. Instantly he jumped up and opened his eyes. Rengith exclaimed, " Surly you are Albert Chyn" As he gave Gary a hearty hard smack on the back "Hurray for me" Gary returned the favor with a hearty hard smack on the back which popped Renginths left eye out. Rengith fell to the ground weeping. Albert took him into his man hug and said, "You have overindulged, but follow me for whoever walks with me walks in the light were it is easy to see." Rengith became Albert disciple on that day.
As Albert had enlightened all the people of Windsor, he wanted to cross the lake to get to Roosevelt field. At the edge of the lake he saw some fishermen. He called out to them, "Men of the Water why are you not out in the lake to fish." They replied, "There is no fish today not a single one it is late and we all cast in our nets except for one boat." Albert was curious he walked out on top of the lake to a boat in the middle. In the boat he witnessed a man struggling with the line. Albert called out, "What troubles you young padawan?" The man turned to face Albert, "I am the son of a fisher man my name be Robert Erdogan, I have been on this boat the whole DAY, AND I DIDN'T CATCH ANY STUPID FISH, MAN IAM STRESSED, IAM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW, MAN YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW ANGRY IAM, ILL KILL YOU ALL. Just then Max came again to tempt Robert. "Robert" Max whispered, "Take your anger and let it flow onto the faces of your fellow fisher men". Robert unleashed his anger and hit Albert in the face. He then went berserk and started beating the fellow fishermen on the boat. Albert seized Robert by the wrist and said, "Look upon my face" When Robert looked at Albert's faced it was neither bruised nor bloody but it radiated a brilliant light that glowed with the intensity of a thousands suns. Robert instantly dropped to the deck and wept, He shouted, "FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED!" Albert rebuked him, "Your sin is great and not easily forgiven" Albert took Robert left hand and chopped it off " The instrument of your wrath shall be the penance for your sins. Robert then believed and followed Albert.
Albert had now all disciples, Josh the angel of mercy, Philip the angel of retribution, Nilesh the camel, Gary the Pikeman, Renginth the one eye blind, and Robert the handless fisherman. At that time Albert predicted his own death saying, "I will be betrayed and I will die" Rengith quirked, "Surely no one will betray you" Albert turned to him and said, "On the night of my death you will disown me not once but thrice before the rooster crows."
When they arrived at Roosevelt field Albert immediately began teaching. As night was coming fast and the stores began to close. Gary said "Albert send these people home they are tired and hungry." Albert responded, "They have stayed were they wanted to stay and they will be blessed, I shall feed them" Robert asked, " How we only have 2 kit kat bars and 5 packs of curry, It will never be enough" Albert ignored Robert he took the the kit kat bars broke it and gave thanks. Josh and Philip were made to hand out the curry and the kit kat bars. When everyone had eaten their fill Josh and Philip collected 12 basket fulls of kit kats ,20 drums of curry and an onion ring, which Nilesh ate. The number counted then was 5,000.
Back in the darkest dark Leroy saw all of Alberts wonders and was fearful. He told Max that it had to be stopped and ordered Max to kill Albert. As they were leaving Max turned a crowd of hooligans against him. Max shouted, "Albert we find you in treason." Out Philip's mouth came a flaming double edged sword; he cut off one of the men's ear and said, "This is my master whom I love; nobody will touch him." Albert rebuked Philip saying, "Would not a sinner return a sin for a sin. Let them take me for I foresaw this." The crowd nailed Albert to the transparent elevator. They put a crown of needle on his head and shouted " Here is the Leader of Christians!" As Max slithered out of the crowd to tell his master Albert, in his darkest hour, lost himself and shouted, "Hey come back here you baby, yeah you go away and cry, you big baby, You fricken prick." Max returned to Leroy and told him the pleasing news. Nilesh and Robert went to go "pray" in some bushes. As Josh and Philip shielded Albert from the parching sun with what was left of their wings. Rengith used Gary's pike to lift up a sponge up for Albert to drink. In his last hour Albert Shouted, "Eloia why have you forsaken Me!" As the crowd turned rowdy they turned to Rengith saying, "Are you not the disciple of the number one Christian." Rengith fearing for his life answered, "I am not". Then a milkman came by and asked, "Aren't you one of Albert's disciples" Rengith replied, "No I am surly not". Then Dominic Albert's son came to Rengith crying, "Where is my father have you not seen Albert, where is he" Rengith shouted back, " I do not know who your father is. I have never met this Albert in my life. I swear that I have never ever never ever seen him." Just then Nilesh crowed. Rengith fell on the ground and cried. As Albert's dying tear he wept one droplet. It sharpened into a bullet and fell into the ground. It plowed into the ground a shining spark of shameless mercy. As Leroy and Max were talking, Albert's solemn tear fell and struck Max in the head. He instantly fell dead at Leroy's feet. Leroy bellowed with Anger and he cursed the ground so that when a dead man tears touched the ground a plant would sprout. The mandragora plant, and when it was plucked Leroy's scream would be heard and all would perish.
The Disciples took Albert off the Elevator and stuffed him into a closet. They pushed a giant trashcan over it. 3 days later Natasha (Nilesh's wife) was walking across the closet and noticed that it was open. Albert was standing next to it and said, "Mother of Nilesh Do not be afraid I will be back at the side of my sons". She ran back to Nilesh and said, "Husband oh Husband Albert had resurrected". Nilesh told the others but they did not believe. Albert came upon them and said, "It is Albert your Leader number 1 why have you not triumphed my return". Rengith walked up to Albert and said, "Surly you jest you are not our master Albert for he was slayn on the elavator." Albert anger burned as he turned into a pillar of fire shouting, "Did I not die for you, you homos, did I not bleed my blood to wash thy self, Did I not become the Avatar of your sins, and have you not all forsaken me" When the disciples heard this they fell to there knees They each replied, Rengith, "My master my eyesight is hazy so I did not see it was you" Robert, "My hand was itchy so I didn't pay attention" Gary, "My hearing is impaired so I did not recognize your voice" Nilesh, " Forgive me my loins were burning so I took no head of my wife" Philip, "There was a pain in the back off my shoulder so I turned away" Josh "I was playing Yu-gi-oh and wasn't looking". Albert heard, and rebuke them saying, "You all have made excuses for your follys, the world is not yet ready for me, but will return." The disciples wept bitterly on the floor. Albert then reached for his holy jetpack and blasted off to heaven.