My Perfect Time.
The idea of life had taken a complete turn for me. Instead of misery and exhaustion, when I thought of life now I had this powerful, calming feeling, and an intoxication. I would wake up and feel Amber in bed next to me and I would feel it wash over me, and I would think of our beautiful daughter with her short brown hair and her dark green eyes…and that giggling that would erupt from her…I would just swoon at the Perfection.
Even over the next few weeks, as Mark had trouble with his first steady girlfriend in a few years, and ended up breaking up with her, as sorry I was for him, everything was still perfect. And I think he didn't care that he didn't have her because he was living through me.
It was one of the most powerful things I'd ever felt…the same thing I'd realized the previous Valentine's Day when he and I had made up. For the first time, I had more than he did. Mark, the eldest son and eldest child, the fire starter, the root of everything, the one who was always the cause of my problems, and the one who at times I would fall under had I looked at him, crumbled at his feet because I was so frightened of him. He caused so much pain that I didn't even have the heart to put up a fight, just surrendered, wanted him to leave me alone. But now, he was himself. He was strong and if he was ever in pain he never showed it, and was strong and almost nonchalant through his breakup. And I was…happy.
I lived in Perfection.
I realized it one night when he and I were hanging out. He and I were driving around, just us, and Amber was at the hotel with Jake and Claudette and Raven and Saphrin hadn't come back yet, and it just hit me. I had been laughing at something, and we were both laughing. I realized then that he and I were equals. I realized that all through our lives together at little intervals we'd be equal until he regained his status being above me. But now was a perfect balance. Perfection. My Perfect Time with my Perfect Brother and my Perfect Wife and my Perfect Daughter.
Perfection was the definition of life. Perfection was when Saphrin and Raven came back to the road and we raised Evan together and I loved him as my son, and once they got used to each other, Jake and Sugarbear were perfect friends, Amber and I were better than ever, and me and my brother were at an all time close.
Christmas came. We all spent it together. We all bought each other presents.
When I thought about life, I felt as though my heart could've exploded. It was the maximum. It got to a point where it would take effort for me to remember what it was like to be in pain.
I loved every second of it. And Valentine's Day was approaching. I couldn't hold in my excitement in the days that lead up to it.
February 13, 2001.
I had just finished wrestling a match. In the dressing room I sat there, drinking water, drying off my hair and listening to Raven complain to Saphrin about his boots or something like that. Typical of him…
Amber interrupted them. "Jesus can you believe that it's been three years?" she asked me. She walked over and hugged me, standing next to me as I sat there. I wrapped my arms around her.
"It seems like eternity."
"You guys are going home, right?" Saphrin asked. I nodded.
"Yeah we'll be back in a few days…" I couldn't help my smile. It was the anniversary of the best day of my life…and each year Valentine's Day was better than the last. I could only imagine what this one held. It was beautiful. If I thought about it too long I felt like I would die, like my heart would just swell and swell until it exploded.
Later that night we all were together in their hotel room. Mark had, for whatever reason, gone out and drunk himself into a strange state. He kept trying to slow dance with Raven. Raven was so afraid of him that he'd go along with it. None of us could stop laughing. Mark kept running his hands through Raven's hair and mumbling slurred endearments. Raven looked completely horrified and kept sending me glances as if to ask me to get Mark away from him. Saphrin thought it was wonderful, lifting not a finger to help him as she loved to watch it. Amber was tending to Evan at the time, and Claudette played with Jake while Sugarbear sat in her lap. She had obviously lost the initial shock of having the frog around and now had come to terms and would play with both of them. She sat in the little aisle between the two beds, ignoring completely Mark and Raven, petting Jake and giggling as if this were the most amusing thing in the world.
"Can you get him away from me???" Raven asked me. Mark, eyes half closed, burst into song.
"Can you getttttttttt himmmmmm awaaaaaaaay from meeeehhhhhhh!!!" he sang, his voice deep and having a bit of a style to it like Sinatra. Saphrin burst into loud laughter, falling back on the bed and clutching her stomach. Mark's hand rested on the back of Raven's head, and he pushed Raven against his chest. "There there, Scott. Rest your head against my bosom."
Raven looked like he was going to cry. "Mark will you please let me go?" Mark smoothed back Raven's hair.
"Shhh…shhh Raven it's okay…we're all okay…"
I finally felt pity and decided to intervene, walking over and grabbing Mark by his shoulders. He turned his head quickly, hair hitting me in the face as it swung. "Kaaaaane…" he said, and discarded Raven, focusing on me. "Wow we're the same height, Kane…" he said. Raven stumbled backward to the corner of the room, staring at Mark with fright.
"Kane make him stay away…" he said quietly. I could smell the liquor on Mark as he stared at me.
"Wuht up, Kane?" I took him by the hand and lead him out of the room, ignoring his comments as I brought him to his own room. I was thinking of times like this when he was a teenager and I'd have to do this. I was so afraid of Paul being as mean to him as he was to me that I'd cover for him when he'd get drunk. I remembered saying to him "Mark I'm used to it, let me handle it," and I'd get caught not being where I was supposed to be only because I was trying to help Mark into bed, as I did now, pushing the feeling out of my stomach, pushing the memories out of my head.
I help him into bed, helped him get his shoes and his jeans off. Once that was all done with I turned the light off and went back to Raven's room. I looked at the digital clock and figured that we could leave then and get home to sleep in our own beds.
"C'mon, Claudette, we're leaving…" I said. She stood and ran to me, grabbing at my legs.
"Daddeeee…" my heart melted as I reached down and lifted her, staring into her eyes and unable to hide my smile. Raven was taking Evan from Amber as she stood also. Amber and Saphrin hugged and kissed each other on the cheek.
"I'll see you in a few days," Saph said to her. "And we got that match to work out…remember that!" she laughed. I laughed too. They were about to begin a very intense and angry feud on television, wanting to make it extreme because neither of them had wrestled in a while. She also hugged Raven.
"Don't let Mark get to you," she said softly to him. He smiled.
"I'll see you guys," I said to both of them. "Say goodbye, Claudette…" she turned to them and waved.
"Byeee!" I nearly melted again as we left, walking down to our car, which already had our bags in it. We strapped Claudette into her seat in the back and began to drive, listening to Nine Inch Nails. Claudette had fallen asleep within ten minutes, Jake too, and we drove, at first where we were only facing flurries. As we neared our destination the snow grew heavier. By the time we were home a few hours later there was two feet of snow outside. I was very happy to see this, loving the snow, the way it just blanketed everything, and even more than that I couldn't help but to adore the way falling snow drowns out the sounds of everything else, the way it'll snow and things will just be silent, you can hear it falling. It's just one of those beauties…I felt very sorry for people that lived in the south, and people who never knew what snow really was. It was beautiful.
I got our bags out of the back of the car while Amber got Claudette, waking her up so that she whined and cried a little bit. I could never be angry with her when she did things like that, things that might annoy normal people. But never did I feel any ounce of impatience for her. I loved her completely too much for that.
The snow was irritating to walk through, and as soon as I was inside I changed into dry clothes. Amber came in and told me that Claudette wanted me to tuck her in.
"Hah…Kane I think she likes you more," she said to me, laughing. I felt very touched and went into Claudette's room, seeing her smiling and reaching up at me. I kissed her forehead and tucked her in. Jake was sleeping in his bed too, which was next to Claudette's. I petted him softly and he didn't wake up. He wheezed a little as he breathed. I couldn't help but to laugh. A snoring duck…
For some reason I'd never noticed it until just then, but as I was standing over her, as very dim gray light poured in through the window and washed over her face, I saw my mother in her. I saw it in the shape of her eyes, and the way her mouth was curved into a smile. I felt the tears rising in my eyes, loving her, loving to see that she looked like my mother, missing my mother slightly. I wished that she could see Claudette, wondered what she would think of my daughter. I could just picture my mother in her later years, had she been alive. Easily I saw her being somewhat like Botticelli's Venus, with her thick red hair and narrow face, and fine eyebrows. I could picture her with that cascading hair pulled back loosely, with some strands falling before her face, with her features round and beautiful. The only difference would be her smile. Venus and Mars in comparison to Birth of Venus, where in one she just has that delicate smile. That would be my mother, always with some delicate, just barely visible sign of peace. But then when she would talk, she would become animated, and she would laugh and her eyes would shine and she'd become the life of the room.
Perhaps I thought of her so wonderfully because I loved her so much, and because she was gone. But perhaps it was just my memory of her as a child, where I thought she was completely perfect. I really didn't know. I smiled to Claudette, just picturing Venus holding her, knowing that my mother would've loved her as much as I did.
I switched on her nightlight before leaving the room. Amber was sitting up in the living room with the lights off. She was staring our the window. I sat down next to her on the couch and stared with her. Her eyes were wide and taking it in, shining, fixed on each flake that fell. As if it were her first time to see it.
"It's so…beautiful…" she said softly, words coming as if she couldn't concentrate on talking. And perhaps she couldn't. I wrapped my arms around her and her head leaned back to rest on me. "I love you…" she said.
"I love you, too…" I kissed the top of her head. "You have no idea how much I love you, Amber…"
She turned around and looked at me, sitting up on her knees. Shadows covered her face, just barely allowing me to make out her face in a strange bluish light. She grabbed the sides of my face and began to kiss me. I don't know how long this lasted, only that by the time she pulled away I felt as though my heart would explode. She looked drunk. "Let's go play in the snow," she said, and smiled. I thought of the way she had been when we'd first met, so energetic, so girlish. Over the past three years she'd changed for sure, maturing into a mother and a wife, more calm and wise now. I couldn't help but to smile, feeling as though we'd be thrown into the past, feeling as though there weren't really a child in the next room as I thought of the first time she'd been at my house and wanted to just look through it.
Before I could make a response she was in our room, rummaging through the closet and finding us both heavier jackets and our shoes. As soon as we were ready we ran out onto the back lawn. There was a small pond back there, which was frozen. She went out and began to walk on it, spinning, and laughing. And I knew where I'd seen this. It was the exact same image that had branded my mind that night when I'd seen her in the sky, spinning and dancing and laughing, her hair all around her. I went out and held her, kissing her again.
Someone a snowball fight came out of this. From that, a wrestling match. She had me down on the snow and went to pin me. The pin turned into not being able to keep our hands off of each other.
This was perhaps one of the most romantic things we've ever done.
After a few hours we'd tired ourselves out and went back inside, checking on Claudette before going into our room and changing into pajamas and going to bed. We turned to each other in bed, without words just staring at each other.
"Do you ever think about Claudette? Like how she'll grow up?" she asked me.
"All the time."
"What do you think is going to happen?" she reached over and played with one of my curls.
"I…I don't know. I think about it, sure, and question it, but I could never guess what can happen. Anything can happen. I, of all people, should know that. Anything can happen in life. But all I hope is that her life is somehow better than either of ours."
She was smiling. "What could be better than us?"
"No…" I sighed. "I mean…our childhood. You grew up without and siblings and without your mom…I grew up without parents and with an abusive caretaker…you understand, right? I mean, I don't have any question at all that you and I will be the best parents that we can but…" I smiled. "I think she needs some friends, don't you? I'm sure she'd rather not be an only child…"
She smiled now too. "Oh definitely…"
I kissed the top of her head. "Happy Anniversary, honey…" I said softly. No more words went between us before we both fell asleep.