Author's Note: Ah, finally. I finished this chapter! It took awhile, I struggled with my characters. They're so stubborn, but you already knew that ;) Right. Ok, first off, I don't own anyone here except Simon Harper, Cassandra Talin, and Her. The others are JK Rowling's inventions and belong to her, I'm just playing with them. I'm not making any money off of this either.
*Considers* I'm thinking about bumping my rating up to R, but I'm really not sure. There are adult scenes in this (not bad, I assure you) and just general violence. I'm not sure, you tell me if you think it needs to be rated higher. I don't think it does, but I do want to be safe and not corrupt any of the little kiddies ;). Read and review please!! Leave your email address if you want me to email you when I update the story! Thanks!
Chapter 6: Too Unreal Reality
"…and so the powdered pixie wings will be late in getting here, Severus. …Severus? Severus?" The Headmaster peered at him curiously from across the desk, eyes searching from behind those half moon spectacles. Severus Snape shook his head and brought his focus back onto things in the room. He had been so lost in thought that he had even strayed from listening to Dumbledore. Albus was now looking at him hard, and Snape felt as if he could see right through his skull and into his thoughts that he guarded so well.
"Sorry, Dumbledore. I was a bit distracted," he said vaguely, then leaned forward as if more into the conversation. Albus smiled and leaned back in his chair.
"Anything you'd like to talk about?"
"No," Snape replied a little too quickly and a little too firmly.
"You can talk to me about anything," he said lightly.
"I know, Dumbledore, and I have before. I trust you implicitly."
"But?"
"But," echoed Snape. How to get out of this? He didn't need this right now. "But… I'll work this through by myself." Dumbledore nodded, and Severus didn't doubt that he knew exactly what he was talking about, and he was immediately curious to how much he knew and how much of that he could deny. However, their conversation was over, and Severus stood to leave, nodded once to Dumbledore and swept out of the room in a hurry, off to Simon's room to get this over with.
"Ah, my dear boy. I wish you luck and goodness knows you'll need it," muttered Dumbledore to himself, then smiled amusedly and picked up his quill to work.
Cassi had run as fast as she could out of those dungeons, through the corridors, through the Great Hall and outside. As soon as she reached the icy air, she wished she had her cloak, but wouldn't go back there if she was paid to do so. She ran to her rock she had spent so much time at this year and collapsed next to it, fighting back tears desperately. Shaking and blinking back the prickles in the corners of her eyes, she silently let go of her last fiber of self-control and let everything that had built up this past month press on her mind. Had her feelings really gotten that out of control?
Yes, they had. And now she allowed her mind to think what she had held back. She had wanted that, wished for it with ever corner of her soul without her ever knowing it. Why? Why? He was such a silly greasy git that she could barely stand it, yet here she was, trying hard not to cry outside the castle in the bitter wind because things had gone from intense anger to intense love in a snap. It wasn't logical, they fought so much, it was impossible for her to even entertain the idea that she had feelings for him. So impossible, but so right. No! not right! Please no, please. It was at that time that she allowed herself to think that maybe she loved him. Oh God, even thinking that blistered her heart. No, not her, she was Miss Self-Control, a perfect specimen of a love vacant creature. She didn't need this, she didn't need him. She only relied on herself. And look where that got you, you nearly died from your 'self reliance', piped up that evil little voice of truth in her mind. He saved you. And she was grateful, she really was, but she didn't need to go and fall all over him.
Which brought her to another point, what had possessed her to kiss him just then? An impulse? She was going to have to watch herself, never let that happen again. Never. No matter how much she wanted it, no matter how good it felt, no, never. On this she was set and determined.
No matter how good it felt. And it had felt so good, surprisingly so. She loved it, she loved him, and she wanted just one more second of that kiss to be content for the rest of her life. But there was no way that could be, it was pure absence of mind that he had reacted to her kiss, and this was the very thought that finally brought her to tears. She had never cried in her entire life, but right then it seemed to be the right thing to do, and she couldn't suppress it any longer. She broke into soft sobs into her arms, shoulders shaking hard as she thought to herself. He was, after all, Severus Snape, a man who could never love her, a cynical girl with no memory (how she hated to remind herself of that). Perhaps he had even reacted that way intentionally, just to cause more pain. He did a damn good job of it. She had herself convinced that his kiss meant nothing, and likewise, hers meant nothing to him .
"You are so foolish, Cassandra," she said firmly to herself, then dissolved into tears into her arms again. She lay there for awhile, going over what just happened many times. It hurt unimaginably to think that she had just showed her hand of cards and there was no hope of the feeling being mutual. But she had loved it. She had loved being held tight in his arms, feeling what she nonsensically thought was passion, until her reason prevailed at the moment of breathing and she ran. What would have happened if she didn't run? He would have more than likely been angry, or would he have laughed? Both seemed possible, though painful. Heartbroken and hurt, she lay next to her rock, shivering and shaking from the biting wind, but also from her tormenting thoughts.
I wish I had my potion, she thought to herself. If only he hadn't drained it all. Maybe he didn't find that one…no wait, yes he did. He did that on purpose, just to make my sickly little life hell. No, he didn't, but it sure seems like he did. Oh, who are you kidding Cassandra? Look at you, weeping on the dead grass for yourself. Pathetic. Pull yourself together! Face up to the facts, you're a bitter, foolish girl for falling in love with someone like Snape. He's just here to do his job, and you've twisted everything. Good job, I hope this hurts, that'll teach you. Besides, what could he possibly see in you?
***
Well that was pointless, thought Severus as he walked out of Simon's room. Never have I heard a man speak about so much nothing in my entire life. I knew he was a bumbling, intruding, useless idiot, but I think I overestimated him. Waste of air, if you ask me. What does Cassi see in him?
And with that last thought, the horrible sickening pang of reality hit him hard. He continued to walk down to his dungeon, the very same dungeons in which the crimes of that morning had been committed. He wanted to be away from the rest of the castle before he thought about what had taken place. The dungeons were his hallowed ground, his one and only refuge from the overly happy world, the only place he could truly meditate clearly without worries. There was one room though, one wall, he would never look at the same again. That wall by his desk. That wall will be forever tainted in his memory, for good or bad he did not yet know, but something told him it wasn't for good. He walked past it, head turned so he wouldn't even look at it, threw open his office door and walked in, shutting and locking the door behind him. Then he went through the other door behind his office desk and walked to his room.
Severus felt his room reflected his personality quite accurately. It was cold and dark, with only one window, which was draped heavily with a thick black cloth. Sallow candles flickered from their sconces in the corner of his room as he walked in, casting light over the few bits of furniture. He needed only a writing table, a chair, and a bed, all placed opposite each other in the room. They were made from the same dark wood and were simple, yet not wanting in elegance. A soft scraping noise was heard when he walked across the stone floor to his bed, sitting glumly on it, preparing to actually confront the thing he had pushed away to not think about.
He saw it all play before him as if it was only a few seconds ago, not half an hour ago. The entrance, the bandying of words, the grabbing of his collar, the emotions flashing in her eyes, then his swirl, the low words, and then…and then the kiss he would have problems forgetting. He could have sworn she was just as eager as he was, the way she pressed her lips back against his, the sweet tasting gasp, the tight grip she had on his robes, but no, it was illogical. He must have wanted to believe it so bad that he had twisted the facts. That thought alone made him shiver. Never, never did he change the meaning of cold hard facts for his own personal benefit. Sure, he twisted tones, inflections, and word meanings, but never facts such as this. It was enough to show him exactly how dangerous that situation had been.
He couldn't sit still on the bed anymore, he simply couldn't. He felt the uncontrollable urge to wash these sins from his skin, so he stood up to take a shower. He happened to glance at himself in the mirror on the way there, and turned away immediately in disgust. Just one more reason to verify that he had fooled himself into thinking her emotions had been mutual was his reflection. Sallow skin, long greasy hair, a hooked nose, and plain black eyes, nothing worth noticing. Something to cringe at, but not anything to fall in love with. He sighed and walked on. Even if she had been, well, interested (he supposed this was the lightest way to put it), he didn't have much to offer her. You're an old man, Severus. 36. You're not a reckless, love struck 21 year old anymore, you're a 36-year-old professor of Potions who is a bitter, horrible person. Granted, I won't even be half way done with life when I'm 75, but 36 is too old to be of any interest to someone like her. Well, she is only a few years younger than yourself, but even still, she's…Cassi.
"Good reasoning," he drawled to himself sarcastically. "And anyway, you ought to have nothing to do with this ack, love, trash. It's a bloody waste of time." And this was what he was trying to convince himself of all the way into the shower and until he washed his hair.
"It's not a necessity to be loved. It's not like eating, or sleeping, however annoying and time-consuming those silly activities are. It's just one of those things unreasonable people do when they haven't any other purpose in life but to create more unreasonable people. And you would think, of all the people to know this, I would be one of them. Then what was it that possessed me to do such a stupid thing like kiss her?" He left his question unanswered as he scrubbed at his hair, thick white suds running down his hands and arms to his elbows. No matter how much he washed his hair, within half a day of it's cleaning, it always looked as if he hadn't washed it in days. Sometimes he just gave up entirely, letting it fall greasily straight down to just above his shoulders from tucked behind his ears. What did it matter? He wasn't out to impress anyone in the castle, and it was too much of a bother to do every day if it was just going to go back to its original state. He could have easily made a potion to fix it, or perhaps even used a spell, but calling attention to himself through his hair was really the last thing he wanted.
Severus scrubbed hard at his skin until it was raw, as if the harder he scrubbed, the more he could take back his actions, or at least make up for them. When he finally turned off the knobs and dried himself off and dressed back into his black robes, he had himself convinced of one thing, he didn't need to be in love and love ought not to seek him.
You think you're going to protect yourself better if you convince yourself that you don't really love her. You're just trying to guard your feelings, and it's getting you no where. Face the facts, you basically forced a kiss on her, and scared her out of her mind. Some help you are, just when she was recovering too. He gripped his comb tightly and ran it through his hair a couple times, then slammed it down and stomped away, pacing around his room, contemplating his last thought.
"Damn it, Severus, you've got to stop talking to yourself!" he shouted angrily. Then he slammed out of his room, grabbing his cloak off the hook as he passed through the door, and ventured outside.
***
Meanwhile, Cassi was trying to calm herself down, but failed horribly each time she remembered what drove her outside. The wind had grown increasingly cold and gray clouds threatened to snow upon her, but she didn't care. She simply lay curled up next to her rock, sobbing into her arms.
It was quite the surprise then, when she felt a large warm hand on her back. She immediately stopped her foolish crying and looked up, seeing Hagrid crouched down next to her, looking quite concerned. She dried her eyes hastily and sat up, leaning back against the rock, arms pulling her knees to her chin.
"Was wrong, Cassi?" he asked concernedly. She merely shook her head. He patted her knee and sat down next to her, fortunately blocking the wind. They sat in silence for awhile, while Cassi composed herself and sat miserably, thinking quietly.
"Summit happen up at the castle?" he suggested, thinking that if she wasn't going to talk, he could probably guess it. It didn't take a genius to guess what she was upset about, and he knew he was on the right track when she nodded.
"Snape?" he guessed again. She paused, considering her chances, then nodded again. "Did yeh two fight again?"
"Yes and no," she mumbled, then set her head down on her knees. A pause.
"How long 'ave you been out 'ere?" he asked as he watched her shiver slightly.
"Honestly, I haven't the slightest clue," she said, muffled through her knees.
"Then we better go inside, it's gettin' cold out 'ere, might even snow," he said, and he offered his hand to help her up, and they walked to his cottage. As soon as Cassi stepped inside, she was grateful to him as a wave of heat washed over her from the fireplace. Her cheeks stung from the sudden change in temperature, and she sat down glumly on a wooden chair at the giant table while Hagrid started some tea. Finally, he placed a rather large cup in front of her, and she murmured her thanks and sipped it.
"So yeh had a fight with Snape, eh?" he said. He would get to the bottom of this, it had been going on for too long and he was only getting part of the story from both of them whenever he managed to talk to them.
"Yes."
"'Bout?"
She paused, trying to remember. "Silly stuff, just our normal picking at each other. Nothing so important."
"Then what was import'nt?" He peered at her, beetle black eyes glinting with curiosity. She wanted to tell him badly, to get it off her chest, but she couldn't make the words form, so she shook her head and sipped her tea with a blush. Hagrid could guess though, but he decided to pretend he didn't know. He had long suspected those two despite their incessant fighting, and he was about to make a very general comment when a knock sounded at the door. Cassi's eyes darted to the door, and she set down her tea quickly, twisting her fingers in nervousness.
"Err, who is it?" called Hagrid.
"Severus," came the reply, and Cassi jumped, startled. Hagrid gestured to a dark brown chair in his living area by the fire with its back to the door and Cassi ran around to it, pulling her feet up and hiding. Hagrid whispered for her to wait there, and opened the door.
"Bit cold to be walkin' around out there, don' ya think?" said Hagrid warmly, as if expecting Severus all along. Severus stayed near the door, no real intention of staying long in the cabin.
"Have you seen Professor Talin?" he asked Hagrid coldly.
Professor Talin? thought Cassi. The tone broke her heart, as did the formality.
"Nope, 'aven' seen 'er," said Hagrid gruffly. Snape was quiet for awhile.
"I ah, thought she might be out here, as she seems to gravitate towards that bloody boulder outside, but apparently not," he said calmly, glancing around the cabin in one quick sweep.
"Why ya lookin' for 'er?" asked Hagrid in a nonchalant way.
"No reason, just a trivial matter between her and I, nothing important," he said. "I best go find her elsewhere." He opened the door and stepped out.
"I'll go with yeh up to the castle," said Hagrid, putting on his moleskin coat and shutting the door behind them, leaving Cassi alone to her thoughts.
Trivial matter, nothing important. I tried to tell you Cassi, but you didn't want to believe it, and now you have to. What have you gotten yourself into? The only way to get through this is to act as if this never happened, and you're strong enough to pull it off. She nodded resolutely, and went to sit down at the table, patiently awaiting Hagrid's return, swirling her tea around a bit and taking another sip.
A few moments later, the door creaked open and in a white swirl Hagrid bustled in, snowflakes lingering on his shoulders and in his black beard and hair. He looked sympathetically at Cassi, whose features had hardened in determination.
"Snowin', it is. Should blow itself out by this afternoon," he said quietly, pulling his moleskin coat off of him and hanging it on a peg by the door. "Feelin' be'er?"
"Yes," she lied, tone firm. "I should probably go back to my classroom now Hagrid, pop quizzes I must grade." She paused, then added meaningfully, "Thank you Hagrid, really, thank you." Then she stood and left the room quickly, out into the biting cold, treading through the snow that was already sticking to the ground. The words 'trivial' and 'unimportant' rang deafeningly in her ears the entire way there.
It took much bravery to go to dinner that night. For one, she would see Snape and that alone took every ounce of courage she had, but also, the number of students on holiday was so huge that everyone had been reduced to one table in the Great Hall, meaning that whatever they did, everyone else saw.
However, she had put off seeing him by skipping lunch, and she was hungry. Therefore, when dinnertime came around, she put away her quizzes and locked her classroom up and went down to dinner without a second thought. She was going to prove to herself that she could handle being near him perfectly well. This did not stop her, however, from peeking in first to see who was there, then walking in normally while wishing to turn and run, as Snape was already sitting there, talking distractedly with McGonagall. She sat down quickly, staring hard at her plate. Snape didn't even glance over at her. Things went like this through the entire dinner, until Snape reached out to grab the pepper in front of him, and Cassi flinched.
She's scared of you. Great. Perfect. This completes my life. Wonderful. He was about to say something to her, but couldn't find the right words, so he snapped his mouth shut and kept his eyes set on something on the table. A bit of a smudge, it was, he wondered whether it would come off or not…this was ridiculous. He had been so prepared to talk to her this afternoon, what happened to that? I'll tell you what happened, it died in the frost of her cold manner and withered away when she flinched. Good job, Severus, what a delightfully moronic way of muddling everything up. You deserve every ounce of self-imposed sarcastic congratulation.
Not a student or teacher noticed their silent and cold manner, except one, and Hagrid just shook his wild-haired head at the complexity of the two most sarcastic people he ever knew.
~*~
If dinner was bad (which it was, it ended without a word from either of them), the rest of the week was absolutely awful, all the way to Christmas morning nearly a week later. The castle and it's few occupants where awed by the large Christmas trees displayed in the Great Hall, covered in enchanted snow that wouldn't melt and seemed to shine golden, a simple star adorning the tip of each of them. It was the first time Cassi had seen a decent Christmas tree, and she stood and watched, talking with Simon the entire time as tiny Professor Flitwick charmed the ornaments to each branch. Simon was being friendly, but a little too pushy.
"So, where's your family during the holidays?" he asked her. Cassi knew he meant well, but she didn't like all the questions. There wasn't much conversation she liked anymore, she was too preoccupied being lost in her own thoughts.
"I don't know, I don't keep up with my family," she lied readily. He blinked, making it apparent he didn't believe her. "What about your family?" she asked, intent on changing the subject.
For a second, she thought she detected panic in his manner, but on a second glance, he seemed his usual self. "Wales," he replied firmly, though his answer was short and suspicious. She tilted her head and was about to ask him about it, when he interrupted her. "They stay there all the time, my entire family does. No traveling for them, they aren't the traveling type. Haven't seen them in a very long time." She nodded and let it go. He smiled faintly, staring off into space. She wondered what he was thinking, but didn't ask.
"I'm not anything of interest," he said after awhile. "I led a boring life, just like most people did…except for you. Somehow, I don't think you led a boring life." He peered at her, blue eyes shining, almost as if he had asked a question, waiting for her to answer.
"Trust me, I would not be of interest to you," she said, biting back an ironic smile at the double meaning of her sentence. She really didn't have anything that would interest him, unless he liked stories composed of the words 'I don't know'.
"I wouldn't be too sure about that," he said, half way smiling and eyeing her. Cassi hadn't the slightest idea how to reply to an insinuation like that, nor how to react when he took up her hand in his and kissed it, then dropped it and watched Flitwick battle the last star onto the tree. "Well, that's that, the trees are put up, I'll see you at dinner tonight, Cassi." And with that, he winked and walked off, leaving Cassi standing there, wondering what had just happened. Crossing her arms, she turned on her heel and followed his path out, making sure to walk slowly so as not to catch up with him. If her deductions were correct, and she was pretty sure they were, she was in for trouble. She did not like being caught up in this…love tangle, as she appropriately dubbed it. She didn't think herself to be the type of person to be caught in that type of thing, that was more for those silly airhead witches you heard about from gossip in a magazine (not that she read that, it was an unavoidable topic with her coworkers in her previous job).
She pondered this as she walked down the halls, not really watching where she was going, her feet just automatically carrying her to her appropriate place, her classroom. Fortunately, she was alert enough to realize that a dark shadowy figure was walking down the hall, going the opposite way. When she absentmindedly looked up to see who it was, she bit her lip and commanded her eyes to the floor. Snape. Taking a step sideways, she was as close to the wall as she could get, head still bowed to the floor, and her pace quickening. A few more steps and it will all be over…just a few more, please don't let him be looking at me…ok, I'm safe. This is crazy. He had passed her, and she was turning anyway, and therefore, she was out of sight. As swiftly as she could, she returned to her classroom, locking the door behind her.
Seating herself at her desk, she looked around among her familiar scene: a neat and orderly desk, straight rows of desks, and all the books in order on the bookshelf. This was supposed to bring her comfort, it usually did, knowing everything was perfect. But everything wasn't perfect.
It was all her fault she felt this way. Completely her fault. It was entirely pathetic the way she skirted him in the halls, secretly hoping he'd bring it to her attention. Or yell at her for how quickly she ate. Or how little she ate. Or for just being there, something, something so that she knew he still knew she existed.
"I hate love," she growled suddenly. "I didn't ask for this, I really didn't. Me and love do not go together, I'm not meant for it, and it's not something I should be involved in." That made her feel a bit better. She was doing all she could to act like nothing had happened. Trivial matter. Those words rung in her ears as she shut her eyes to sleep, and were the first words she thought each morn. They haunted her.
"I'll just try harder to forget about him. Things have gone from bad to worse."
~
"Things have gone from bad to worse," Severus mumbled to himself as he remembered Cassi's blatant skirting him in the hallway, trying to pretend he wasn't there. Snape was back in his dungeon that evening, after all the present and holiday-type rituals that he hated so were over, and he was recapping that day's events. He had done a pretty good job of staying out of her way (excluding mealtimes, those were living nightmares) until today, when extra time was spent at the table as the meal was drawn out.
She had been sitting so quietly it was making him uncomfortable, until she looked over at him and said plainly "Could you pass the salt please?" He picked up the silver shaker and handed it to her, almost saying something. She had looked at him expectantly, but he couldn't form words at that moment, and she looked back down and continued eating. His hopes had dropped so suddenly after that, he should have said something, anything! He had wanted to say something, but words had failed him. Why? WHY?
"You're a fool, Severus. Just stay down here the rest of the week and you'll be safe from your own stupidity."
Severus was as bad as his word, only leaving his dungeons to eat quickly, eating at irregular hours to avoid her. This was working, and the most he had seen of her was as he was leaving the Great Hall. They, of course, said nothing to each other. Severus was actually impatient for the students to come back to fill the loud silence between Cassi and himself. It would give him something to do; he had already reorganized everything possible, not to mention that he was completely caught up on grading and had brewed three separate and very complex potions, something that went all too quickly. By the last day of break, he had absolutely nothing to do and was rereading a potions book that he already knew by heart.
Little did he know that Cassi was doing the same. She was avoiding him at all costs, and kept her door locked, hiding out in her room reading and grading. She often caught herself just staring at a page of her book, thinking about other things while her eyes just gazed blankly over the words, then she would flip back and concentrate on the book as hard as she could. Her classroom agenda had already been written for far into the future, every detail of every day spelled out in her neat, small handwriting.
Finally, the day before term would start again she decided she had had enough.
"I refuse to lock myself in my room for one more day just because of some….teacher that lurks about in his dungeons anyway, might on the off chance be in the same hall as I am. I'm settling this now." She had finally, after two weeks, built up the courage to go up to him and face him like any normal person would. She was brave enough to do this. Plus, she couldn't go around dodging him when the students got here that day, what would they think? That she'd lost her nerve? Whatever small amount of respect she had gained from her fights with Snape would be lost all because she wasn't strong enough to retort. This had to be resolved now.
With a firm nod, she shut the book she had been looking through in a daze and left her classroom, shutting the door behind her, not even bothering to lock it. She would be back here before the students got here anyway, and besides, they didn't have any interest in her things anyway. With that, she walked downstairs, past the Great Hall and to the stairs that led to the dungeons. As soon as she reached the bottom, she remembered exactly how cold it was down here, and shivered slightly. No, don't shiver. Shivering is a sign of weakness, she commanded to herself as she reached his door. For some odd reason, she couldn't make herself knock. For a few seconds, she just stood outside his door, staring at it with apprehension, studying the grain of the wood distractedly. She had to do this. Before being able to rethink her actions, she reached her hand out and knocked. A deep voice told her to enter, it's tone bored.
He looked up for half a second to see who it was, then turned back to his book, seemingly unimpressed. This threw her off slightly, but she recovered before he noticed her confusion.
"Se- err, Snape, we need to talk," she said, her voice sounding surprisingly icy, even to her.
"About what?" His eyes didn't leave the book.
"About…well, about what happened two weeks ago." She waited with apprehension for his reply through the silence of the dungeon. That infernal clock ticked methodically off in the distance.
"Well, go on and talk," came the much-awaited reply, bored and slightly growly. "But make it quick, the student's will be here shortly."
She looked at him, dumbfounded. Of all the things she had expected him to be, bored was not one of them. It only made her attitude towards him harder, and her tone reflected that. He was just sitting there, quite still, concentrating deeply on his thick, yellowed book, in his usual dark manner. She stiffened.
"I know that," she snapped. "They are the reason I'm doing this. We can not keep avoiding each other like this, they'll notice, and I'd rather them not. If it's alright with you, I'd rather not be the target of the school year's biggest rumor. Therefore, it's only sensible that we forget what happened at the start of break and continue on as normal." She stood resolutely, feet together and hands clasped behind her back, standing rigidly in front of his desk, trying not to shiver.
He looked up at her after her speech, gaze piercing through her eyes as if seeing into her mind. "If this is what you wish…" he said in a tone of acceptance, then went back to his book.
"It's only sensible," she repeated softly. On an impulse, she added even more softly, "I did not say it was what I wished. It is only what is sensible, you may do as you want to but this is what I shall do." He shut the book slowly and looked up at her.
"Yes, I suppose it is only sensible. You do as you like, and I will do as I like, Talin," he said harshly, thus ending the conversation, despite what seemed to be her confession. Nodding a little, she turned on her heels and walked slowly to the door, heartbroken but expression blank. Severus watched. He was going to let her walk out that door, and as soon as she crossed that threshold, he would have no claims on her. None. He tapped his fingers on the desk for half a second in indecision, then he leapt up and grabbed her wrist as she was half way to the door.
"Snape?" she said, looking at him coolly though her voice quavered with nervousness, then glancing down at her wrist. That was all it took.
He pulled her close to him with the grasp on her wrist and growled very softly in her ear, "For the final time, it's Severus." He leaned back slightly to look her right in the eye, but didn't really have the chance before she leaned forward and kissed him, immediately sending both their minds spinning. Like last time, it started slow and steady, almost self-consciously, before quickly evolving into a hungry passion, arms wrapping themselves tight around the other's body, so close they could feel the other's thumping heart beat through their chest. And, like last time, Cassi broke the kiss, breathing hard and looking fearful, but Severus still had a tight hold of her. She wasn't going anywhere this time, not a single chance he would go through that again.
"We can't do this!" she exclaimed suddenly, yet not letting go of him. "If anyone found out! The students, teachers, school board-"
"Dumbledore wouldn't dismiss either of us in the middle of the year when he's understaffed," interrupted Snape in a reasonable, cool tone, punctuating his argument with small kisses every few words.
"Alright, but the students-"
"It is not as if they deserve to know. Our affairs are private, and I'm just as secretive and impersonal as you are," he said quickly, entangling a hand in her hair as her kisses strayed from his lips to his neck. His breathing quickened a step, and Cassi couldn't help but smile, placing her last kiss then straightening up and facing him, lips grazing his.
"I'm not impersonal."
"Yes, you are." He nipped slightly at her bottom lip, and she couldn't help but shiver. Sign of weakness…too true.
"No."
"Yes, and don't argue with me right now!"
"And why is that? Don't want to lose an argument when you can't concentrate?" She smirked.
"You're a bold thing, aren't you?" he snarled. She was about to reply but he silenced her with a kiss, cold lips pressed to warm. One of her arms dropped looser so it was around his waist, but the other snaked itself up to his hair, which she was gently stroking, then trailing fingers down his cheek, only to have them return to his raven black hair.
"Cassi," he hissed softly, "Cassi, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I'm not what you want, much less what you need. And what of your other men? Sirius and Simon…"
"Other men who? Oh them. Nononono, they don't matter, just you. And it's rather my choice on what I want, isn't it? Besides, you've got it wrong if you think I don't need you. Imagine that, the Potion's Master is wrong," she said, starting off in a serious, reassuring tone and ending rather slyly.
"This is not the time for mockery."
"Oh, but it is."
"Rather defiant, aren't we, Ms. Talin?"
"Then you're bitter."
"And you're sickly."
"Bastard!"
"Wench!"
"Kiss me!" she demanded, and he his mouth met hers roughly, crushing lips, tongues lashing out and hands seeking flesh. She had placed a hand under his collar and on his bony shoulder, now digging her nails into his skin. Meanwhile, he had slipped his hand out of her hair and was delicately undoing the last two buttons of the back of her robes, just enough to touch her back.
At the feeling of cold fingers on her back, Cassi half gasped, half moaned. Still fighting reality, she desperately tried again to express her concerns. "Severus, Severus we really, really …mmm, yes…no! I'm not done! If we ever get caught…the students… you… ohh, don't…I'll shut up now."
"Good idea," he drawled, and she melted against him, but not for long. A few voices sounded from the hallways, and footsteps accompanied them.
"Damn it," she whispered. "They're back, and I should go before we get caught."
"Fine," he said shortly, and let go of her, and she quickly redid the buttons on the back of her robes, ran her fingers through her hair, and sunk back into the sulky teacher she usually was.
"I'm glad we had this discussion," she said in a more business-like tone.
"As am I." She took a step forward and kissed him, one last time. "Hopefully, we'll chat again?" he asked in a whisper.
"Yes," she whispered back, then with her last ounce of self resolve, she turned around and walked out of the door just as Draco Malfoy walked into the room, silver blonde hair slicked back and his Malfoy smirk hanging on his lips.
"What was she doing here, sir?" he asked in a remotely interested drawl. His lip curled slightly in disgust. While most Slytherins favored her, he did not; but then again, he had always been one to do the opposite of what others were doing.
"She came to discuss something with me," he replied coldly, giving the impression that it was some petty manner that he found amusing.
"Must have been something good, she was rather red," he said, still smirking with all the cockiness of a sixteen-year-old.
Severus picked a stray bit of dust fluff off his robes, showing no interest in the topic. "She flusters easily."
"Father showed an interest in her when I explained what her classes were like," replied the Malfoy boy.
"Oh?"
"Probably thinks you could do a better job," said Draco with a shrug. He then changed the subject, as he did not come down to the dungeons to discuss his Defense teacher and he had become bored easily. Severus listened to the child, while still wondering what the particular interest Lucius had in Talin was. He put it out of his mind, the boy was more than likely right, and Mr. Malfoy had never approved of a single teacher Dumbledore had appointed, himself being the exception.
~
That night, Cassi sat on her bed, deep in thought about one thing, Severus. It finally felt right to call him by his first name, yet she still wondered if she had done the right thing. She had never been in a relationship before, and she wondered what use she would be to him. Or what he saw in her. Or if they could be in a relationship without tearing each other apart. She remembered a moment in that dungeon when they couldn't even kiss without arguing. But it seemed alright, like if they hadn't argued it wouldn't be the same.
She laid back on her pillow and smiled, snuffing the candle with a simple spell from her wand. Why am I smiling? Surely I can't be that happy with this, not with all the risks…
"Yes, yes I am…" she whispered to herself.
~
"Severus," called a voice tauntingly. "Severus, come on!" Snape looked up to see Cassi walking towards him as he sat under the shade of a large tree in the middle of a plain grass field near a forest. She grabbed his hand, wanting him to come with her, but stubbornly he stayed at the base of the tree. She sat down next to him softly, caressing his hand with her fingertips, trying to persuade him. He nearly smiled at her attempts, but was able to keep a straight face. She finally rolled her eyes and resorted to whispering in his ear, something that always made him shiver.
"Severus, Severus please come, I don't like it out here," she said, voice soft as silk, and lips about equally so as they grazed his ear.
"Alright, fine," he finally mumbled, and she took him by the hand and led him out of the shade of the tree and into the forest. "Why are we coming this way again?" The field had vanished and turned into a dark forest.
"There's something going on," she whispered to him. There wasn't a reason she whispered, other than to not disturb the quiet of the forest, but he was suddenly glad she did so, as he could hear voices. Familiar voices. They came across a large group of people in a clearing, all standing in a circle. A figure knelt in front of another figure in the center of it, one heavily cloaked with it's head bowed, the other standing proudly in front of it.
"…charged with treason to the cause, betrayal of your fellow Death Eaters, and, most importantly, wavering loyalty to your master. Do you deny it?"
Severus was in shock, now standing behind the circle with a clear view of what was going on before him. And he knew what was happening, and why. In horror, he turned to Cassi, who was watching, transfixed in the situation.
"I deny all but the last charge!" came the voice from under the hood. A woman's voice.
"That alone is reason enough, my dear," said the man standing over her, voice high pitched and tone a mix of anger and superiority, yet smooth. "But it pains me to kill my best Death Eater," he stretched out a spider-like hand and touched the face in the hood, "You've been so good for us… tell us one thing, this one thing, and we'll set you free." At this point he leaned down and whispered something to her, her shoulders slumping and her body trembling. He resumed his correct posture and continued loudly. "Who? Who is the other?"
Silence. He repeated the question, but she said not a word. He took a metallic-like scepter from his pocket and simply held it in front of her. She shook harder, but lifted her head and said quite clearly, "I tell you nothing!" He struck a hard blow to her head sideways with it, and she nearly toppled over, but quickly straightened herself, wrists tied behind her back. Silence. A few Death Eaters shifted nervously.
The man shook his head. "Then you shall die…and such a pity it is." He leaned forward and whispered one last thing, and she jerked back from him. He then drew a dagger from his belt and with one quick motion, sliced her throat open, blood staining the dagger, which he put back into his belt, oblivious to the blood. She fell to the forest floor immediately, huddle of black cloak.
Quickly, Severus snapped back into reality. "I can't let you see the rest of this," he said to Cassi, and she was gripping her throat remotely, still staring at the figure that lay motionless on the ground. He grabbed her by the wrist and tugged at her, trying to get her to come with him. He stopped quite suddenly as he saw blood pour through her fingers, and her knees gave. He caught her at the last possible moment, and pulled her hand away from her throat, spying the great gash from ear to chin, blood oozing out and cascading down her neck.
"You killed us both," she whispered in despair, and fell limp in his arms.
"My God," Severus whispered, sitting up straight. He scanned his room quickly, and found comfort that everything was the same. Slowly, he sunk back down into his pillow, reliving the horror of the memory entangled in his dream. It had started out fairly to his liking too, but quickly delved into what all his pleasant dreams ended up to be… nightmares.
"You're not going to kill her," he whispered to himself in a stern voice, then tried to make himself sleep. How long will you haunt me, Anya?
***
School resumed it's normal pace on Monday, quickly falling back into the steady and memorized routine everyone in the castle knew. Cassi began a new subject with her students, hexes, which she found them surprisingly eager to learn. She let them practice on a desk, which she cleverly transfigured into a sloth, so it wasn't going to go anywhere fast. The first few days the most anyone got was a few sparks, but by the time mid-January rolled around, most people had gotten the hang of hexes and could master a hex in a few days, with the right concentration.
However successful her classes were going, Cassi wasn't pleased. As far as what had happened that day during the dungeons, she had begun to doubt whether it actually occurred. Not a thing had changed between the two, they still battled it out on a regular basis, sometimes getting quite cutting and bitter with the other. She had begun to think that it had been some hallucination she had dreamed up, if it hadn't been for the vividness of the dream.
On a Wednesday in the middle of the first month of the new year, Cassi was walking out of her classroom, a few dusty books in hand that she was going to lend to Flitwick, when she collided with the black clad figure she knew as Snape. The books spilled out of her hands, and both regained their balance quickly, glaring at the other.
"Watch it, Talin," he hissed.
"It wasn't my fault, Snape," she said, scowling. "As if I would go out of my way to fall into a greasy git such as yourself. I think you've been standing next to one too many cauldron fumes."
"Are you insinuating that I'm not right in the mind?" he snapped.
"Yes, I am. Don't walk so close to my door next time," she growled, picking up her books off the floor and heading back into her room. She would give them to him at break, now was obviously not the time. It was quite to her surprise when Snape followed her into her room. She dumped the books on her desk and turned around to face him. He was watching the sloth-desk slowly creep across the floor, and she blushed and turned it back to its true form.
"Right, what do you want?" she said, now sitting rigidly on the transformed desk and swinging her feet slightly.
"Touchy mood today, aren't we?" he sneered with a smirk, taking a step and standing directly in front of her so she couldn't swing her feet anymore.
"Yes, I'm an irritable little wench. Thanks for the underlying tones, oh great Potions master. What do you want?" She folded her arms and looked at him with uninterested expectancy. Unfortunately, she didn't expect him to lean down and softly kiss her. He stepped back, folding his arms and looking smugly pleased at the look of surprise on her face.
"…What was that for?!" she managed.
He smirked again, and said, "You told me to do what I wanted." She had said that in the dungeon…
"Taking things out of context, I see."
"It was worth the look on your face," he said, and walked out of the room, leaving her sitting on a desk helplessly.
"You're an evil man, Snape," she whispered. "I'll make him pay for that…" She grinned.
~
Things continued like that for an additional two weeks. The students were now placing bets on who would win 'the fight' whenever it would occur. The Patil twins were convinced that Snape had already tried to curse her in her classroom once or twice, but she had avoided it narrowly because of 'expert shields she has set up around her classroom' due to some type of paranoia. Some would stop and stare at them in the hallways when they would argue, because no one wanted to miss 'the fight'.
Snape and Talin used every opportunity to be alone, but the situations were few. Both feared discovery for the sake of their jobs and their reputations, but both found it very hard to stay away from the other. She had taken to coming down to his dungeons late at night, talking with him as he graded papers. She had grown to like his dungeons, completely neat and orderly, but poorly lit with the torchlight. It didn't seem so cold after awhile, especially when they got into their arguments about potion brewing, a subject that both could intelligently argue on.
"Cassi, I don't see how you can read that rubbish," he said, exasperated when she had brought her own potions book to show him.
"Emerson Bloodstone is one of the foremost experts on potions!" she had shot back.
"His basis is all off. Wands and potions should never mix. Potions themselves are magical enough, adding wandwork only ruins the power," Severus said as he continued to grade the essays.
"Some potions don't work unless you use your wand," she replied, looking over his shoulder to see who's paper he was grading. She was sitting next to him on a stool she had conjured, looking through her book.
"Then those potions should have never been made, they were not intended to be invented by nature itself." He shook his head and made a few marks the scroll, then grabbed the next one. "Its unnatural to use a wand in brewing."
She shut the book and set it on her lap, folding her hands over it. "It personalizes the potion more. The potion has a bit of your magic in it's very essence, your faults and your strong points, it's as natural as you are. It makes for a quicker acting potion because it can adapt and work with the magic in your blood that much faster. It makes it twice as effective."
"Our bodies were not made to have additional magic in them," he said, tossing an unmarked scroll into the pile. Cassi smiled at that.
"Let me guess, Miss Granger's or Mr. Malfoy's," she said, in reference to the scroll.
"Mr. Malfoy's, you don't see me grimacing at her tiny handwriting, do you?"
"I write tiny!"
"I wouldn't know, you've never written me anything."
"You live under the same roof as I do, I don't need to send you owls. But at this rate, I might have to start. It feels like everyone is watching us… Speaking of which, I should go, it's getting late," she said with a sigh. Cassi stood up, tapped her stool with her wand so that it vanished, and left the room with a goodnight, feeling both happy and disheartened at the same time. It was hard work concealing all this from over one thousand people. She shuffled off to her room, moving quickly by the dead of night.
Never had Severus felt quite so close to someone, it was a slightly nerve wracking experience. Good things didn't happen to people like him. Ever. It was too good to be true. And it was almost frightening how well they knew each other, despite his many walls he had established long ago to ensure that no one would know his true self. The only love he had ever known wasn't this simple, wasn't this perfect. He smirked as he thought of the word perfect. Maybe perfect wasn't quite right, perfect implied no fighting or resistance. But he was rather fond of their fights, and that look of shock on her face every time he kissed her. He had come so close to asking her to stay with him tonight. So close.
***
The following Monday, Cassi was rounding the corner near the stairs to go to breakfast when she heard a commotion. She peeked around the corner just in time to see Draco and Harry locked in a battle of wands, Harry dodging a shot when his back was turned, then twirling around and hitting Draco right on with a dark green light, one of the hexes she had taught them.
"Potter and Malfoy, what are you doing?" she said, putting her hands on her hips, and undoing the Spasming Hex with a wave of her wand. Unfortunately, her statement was mingled with another from the other side of the corridor.
"What's going on now? Severus had growled as he came upon the scene.
"Draco tried to curse me-!"
"He's lying sir, he tried to hex me!"
"I should have known, Potter," hissed Snape, placing his hands on Draco's shoulders, much like a father would a son.
"Snape, you haven't even heard the entire story and you're already assuming things!" Cassi retorted, standing behind Harry. "I happened to see Malfoy trying to curse Harry when his back was turned."
"That's not true," came Draco's reply. Cassi shot Severus a look that clearly asked 'who are you going to believe, him or me?' Severus' eyes narrowed.
"Potter, ten points from Gryffindor and you'll be serving detention with me tomorrow night. It's clearly stated in the rules that there is no using magic in the corridors," he snarled, looking straight at Cassi as he said that.
"And eleven points from Slytherin and detention with me tomorrow evening. The extra point is for attacking when someone's back is turned," she said, staring directly at Snape. "Now, you two go on to breakfast, go on. Anymore of this behavior and we're going to Dumbledore." The two left and turned to go to the Great Hall, whispering snide remarks at the other all the way down. She watched them go, then turned to Snape.
"I can not believe you took his word over mine!"
"I did nothing of the sort!" he exclaimed. She took a step towards him so they weren't shouting from two meters away.
"I do not ask that you take my word because of me, I ask you to take my word because I am your fellow colleague and a professor of this school as much as you are," she said in a low voice, anger clearly defining each word. Severus mouth was pressed into a firm line.
"Come with me," he said quickly. She followed him to a nearby spare classroom, and he shut the door and made sure no ghost or Peeves was in there.
"Look," he started in a quiet voice, "You have to be extremely careful with the Malfoys. Extremely. His father, Lucius Malfoy, holds a very high status in our society, not to mention he has great influence over the school board. The Malfoy boy is our tool to finding out what his father is up to, and we have to keep a delicate balance. Lucius is back with the Dark side, and is very dangerous to disagree with."
"You aren't telling me something," she said plainly.
"What?"
"You aren't telling me something, you're doing that thing with your eyes."
"What thing?"
"Now you're avoiding the subject…"
"That is no- …it doesn't matter, but Lucius has taken an interest in your classes and I wouldn't mind knowing why," he finished.
"What, do you think he'll tempt me to the Dark side?"
"I didn't say that."
"You implied it."
"No, I didn't. I really do not know why he's interested, but I would like to find out."
"Are you…worried about me?" She smiled sweetly at him. He didn't answer.
"We better go eat," he said, after a short silence. "You're so disagreeable at times." He shook his head, leaned forward and kissed her ever so softly, then left, shutting the door behind him. He distinctly heard 'Feathers have more substantial kisses!' shouted through the door at him, and was shaking his head all the way down to the Great Hall. She followed him a few minutes later, timing it carefully so as not to arouse suspicion, and she didn't. No, far from it, Harry was half surprised that neither of them were bleeding or bruised as they walked up to the table.
The next evening, Cassi heard a knock on her door, and stood to go open it, but Malfoy walked in anyway.
"Right on time," she said. He folded his arms across his desk and scowled. "Your job tonight is to use the Repairing Charm on my desks until they're like new… too many children chipping them when trying to move them around."
"If my father…" he muttered, but stopped in her icy glare.
"You're father isn't here to do this for you, now please," she said, gesturing towards the desks. He sighed and knelt next in front of the first desk. She was satisfied with this, and went back to her desk, checking over essays studiously. By the time she had finally put the last one in her tall stack, she looked up and watched Malfoy work, nearly done. He was a hard worker; he just seemed to be too cocky, too sure of himself… perhaps his father had something to do with it. She shook her head, it wasn't his fault he was like that then, but he could do with a few good lessons in manners. She dug out her grading book and was about to transfer the grades on the scrolls to her book when there was a knock at the door. With a glance back at Malfoy, she stood and opened the door. There stood Dumbledore, twiddling his thumbs, looking around her doorframe.
"Dumbledore," she said, half surprised, half pleased.
"Cassandra," he said with a smile, "May I have a word?"
She looked back one more time at Malfoy and stepped out into the hall, shutting the door. Oh no, what is it? Her mind raced with all the possibilities. He's found out… how? Oh no…
"I just wanted to say that we're having a Defense meeting tonight," he said quietly, and relief washed over her.
"Oh, what time?"
"Eleven."
"I'll be there, then."
His eye didn't catch hers. "Ah, would it be alright if you told Severus? I have to go inform other members of the staff, and travel a bit." His eyes were glinting strangely, and Cassi worried.
"Yes, I'll tell him," she said, forcing all tone out of her voice. He nodded his thanks and turned and left quickly. As soon as he was out of sight, she leaned against her door, heaving a sigh. So close, it had really scared her. You're so paranoid.
She shook her head and walked back into classroom. Draco was on the last table, repairing a chip in its wooden leg. He finally stood up slowly, straightening his back painfully, and said in a low voice, "I'm done."
Cassi scanned over the desks. "Good job! Very nice indeed. Alright, you may go." He left the room, scowling. She sat at her desk, thinking hard. With a large grin, she shut her grade book and left her room, locking it up and heading down to the dungeons hurriedly.
Not bothering to move quietly, she clattered down the stairs (as loudly as a person with soft-soled shoes can), and walked to the end of the torchlit hallway, where his rough wooden door was. She knocked loudly, and an irritated voice commanded her to come in.
"Snape, do you have a moment?" she said, sounding quite cross.
"Not really, I have a student in here to watch," he responded. He was sitting at his desk, eyes fixed on Harry, who was splicing what looked like serpent's tongues at a nearby table, and rather nervously too. Harry also looked quite angry, though he was biting it back.
"It's rather important," she said, tapping her foot impatiently and folding her arms. Severus glared at her skeptically, then turned on Harry.
"Fine. Potter, if you touch anything, it'll be detention for a month and fifty more points from your House," he growled, then walked with Talin to the hallway. She shut the door behind him and smiled.
"What do you want?" he asked, crossing his arms. She reached out and uncrossed them delicately, then wrapped them around her and kissed him with ferocity. Surprised, he did nothing to fight it but instead gathered her up possessively in his arms. She was drawing intricate designs with the tip of her finger on his neck and the other hand dropped down to his belt, running her fingers along it. Without thinking, he moaned into her mouth. He felt her smile.
She leaned back and smiled. "Now, Severus, I'm not a pet to be toyed with, you either kiss me properly or not at all. Oh, and there is a Defense meeting tonight at eleven, let's see how well you concentrate." Before he could even respond, she stepped out of his grasp and walked down the hall and up the stairs, Snape gawking after her.
~*~
Neither had seen or heard Harry Potter delicately shut the door, which hadn't been properly closed. He had finished slicing his last serpent's tongue and had already washed his hands and grown impatient to leave the dungeons. Seeing that the door was open a bit, he had crept over and stealthily peeked through the crack, catching the professors doing quite the opposite of what he had expected. He had to step back, take off his glasses and rub his eyes then put his glasses back on and look back through the crack to believe what he saw. But there they were, both seeming rather content with their situation.
Harry shut the door slowly and walked back to the desk, rather pale. He knew that he had found out something that Snape would never want him, or anyone else, to ever know. He smiled at this newfound information…