Chapter 49
Honestly I don't know how long I was crying, but after a while I exhausted myself and stopped, watching the darkness come over the sky through the window and knowing that in due time I needed to be at the funeral parlor. I stood and moaned as I walked over to my closet, opening it and searching through it to get out black dress pants and a nice, black silk shirt. I had a sudden rush of memory of the funeral parlor where Mark and I lived with our parents…not a single piece of furniture in the public areas were upholstered in anything but black silk. And all the floors were immaculate white marble, except for areas of deep crimson carpets. But the silk…I felt a distinct memory of Mark and I slouching in them and sliding onto the floor for no reason other than we were bored and found it an interesting thing to do.
I knew that somewhere in Amber's closet was a pair of shoes that I needed, in a box on the top shelf. Why they were in Amber's closet was simply because she had a shelf in hers and I didn't…so I braced myself before opening the door, doing my best to ignore all the things in the closest that nearly had neon signs flashing above them to get me to look. But quickly I grabbed the box and pulled it out, perhaps too quickly, another box falling out and landing at my feet.
CD cases sprawled out on the floor, all of her CD's that she didn't listen to as much. She went through phases, had different sets of CD's that she'd listen to over a few months, and here was a box of them that she obviously hadn't been into for the time being. I knelt down a picked one of them up, Third Eye Blind's self-titled disc. I sighed and dropped it back onto the pile, leaving it there so that I could get dressed. I was only too happy to get an extra key out of the kitchen and return the master one to the super before getting the hell away from that place. I called a taxi to bring me to the funeral parlor.
Mike was already there, among a few people who were slowly filing in from the parking lot. All of them I knew, and chose to ignore for the moment. Immediately I just walked around trying to find Mark. Within minutes I found him sitting in the lobby on a couch, hunched over and looking at the ground. I sighed a breath of relief and walked over, sitting down next to him without words.
"Hi…" he said softly, almost so that I couldn't hear him. His hair was down and formed somewhat of a veil around him. I knew that he was very upset, I could tell. It's things like this that really tell people, like I knew he was upset because he was hiding himself, which he rarely did. It stung me, and on an impulse I put a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey Mark…" I replied in the same tone. He turned slowly to look at me, pushing his hair behind one of his ears. His eyes were red, and I could see the tear stains on his face.
"I got your pictures…" he said, voice cracking slightly as he reached into his jacket and pulled them out. "I looked at them…sorry for not asking…"
"No…it's okay," I took them from him, frowning, wincing and trying to keep the tears down as I put them in the inside pocket of my coat, not wanting to see them. I drew in and blew out a few deep breaths, trying to control myself. I realized that Mark was staring at me and I turned to stare back.
"I miss her, Kane…" his eyes filled with tears and they spilled as he frowned, as his face twisted into misery. He sniffled and wiped his eyes with his hands, shaking his head to himself. "And I'm really going to miss her…"
Really going to miss her…
Again it was pounded into my head that she wasn't coming back. Neither of them were. Amber, Claudette, the loves of my life…they were gone. Nothing was going to bring them back. I frowned and looked away as I felt the thudding in my head.
"Mark…" I began to say something but it died on my lips. The tears began to rush from my eyes before I could hold them back, and before I knew it he was holding me and I was crying on him again, just like in the hospital. It was so pure, so brotherly. I clung to him and sobbed, ignoring the pained stares I was getting from everyone around us. "You're all I have Mark…" I said to him.
He rubbed my back. "No…don't forget about Raven and Saph…and Jake and Evan and Sugarbear…we're all here, Kane. Don't forget that."
"But you're my only family…" I moaned. "I had a family Mark! Do you fucking understand that? And now they're gone…"
"I know Kane…I know…" he rubbed my back, and within a few minutes I had calmed myself, wiping my eyes and catching my breath. I stood and went into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face.
"Breathe…" I told myself. "Calm down Kane…Breathe…"
I looked into the mirror, my eyes miserable and dead. And my face…my fucking face. I was so…hideous. The sobs began to rise again in my chest, and before I could cry I found myself punching the mirror. It broke, shards sticking in my knuckles. My heart was pounding as I swallowed all of it, refusing to cry, refusing to do anything but be composed and try to appreciate everything, all the people there who were there for me and for Amber and Claudette…
I didn't want to appreciate that they were dead though, my head arguing with itself and ignoring that. After a while I left the bathroom, seeing Mark sitting on the same couch and talking to Mick Foley. Mick was in tears, and so was his wife, who was sitting next to him. I winced at the sharp pain I felt and turned away.
"Kane…" I heard a semi-familiar voice behind me and turned around. I saw a very low key, out of her slut image Sable. I was shocked and couldn't say anything.
"Hi," I said, unsure of what she wanted. There were tears in her eyes.
"I'm umm…I'm really sorry for everything that went on between Amber and I…I didn't hate her or anything, you know. And I mean…I don't know. I'm just…sorry. And I came to pay my respects to both of you and apologize."
My heart was rising in my throat. "I understand. Thank you, Sable…"
Tears were spilling out of her eyes. "She wasn't angry with me, was she? Do you even know?"
"No, she wasn't. I don't think she cared that much, there were too many good things in her life…" Sable nodded her head, pausing for a moment before stepping toward me and giving me a tight hug.
Neither of us had anything else to say to each other. We drifted apart, numerous other people coming to me and hugging me and crying and asking me if I needed anything and telling me that if I needed anything to just ask…it touched me and hurt me incredibly to see all these people, some of the toughest men I'd ever known, in tears, reduced to blubbering, emotional messes.
In truth I was terrified of going into the viewing room, sticking to the lobby. People wandered in and out of there. I just drifted back and forth, eyes turned away from everyone's pity, ignoring the fact that nearly everyone was staring at me and yet less than half of them said anything to me. I understood…I mean I wouldn't have known what to say either.
The doorway was burning in my eyes, open, and at one point I just barely caught the shine of the coffin through the corner of my eye. My heart began to pound, like it would explode. I looked away, staring at the ground for a moment before I felt a hand on my arm. Slowly I turned around to see Raven, cleaned up and wearing a shirt, his hair tied back. I was shocked at how old he looked, the creases deeper in his face and eyes raw, pink and swollen.
"Hi Kane…" he said softly, nearly inaudibly. I felt my bottom lip pull into a frown, fists clenching as my chest tightened. I opened my mouth to say hello to him but no sound came out.
"Hi," I choked. My eyes found themselves watering again, and tears again streaming down my face. His bottom lip was trembling, eyebrows coming together like he was doing his best not to cry. It was awkward, and there was nothing to be said. He pulled me into a hug there, bursting into sobs and me doing the same thing. It was so fucking…gah! I can't even talk about it. Just soooo goddamn sad and annoying and pathetic. A room full of crying people and…it was too much for me. Within seconds I had pulled away and collapsed onto a couch, Raven standing over me and wiping his eyes and trying to catch his breath. I held my head in my hands, elbows propped up on my knees, fingers tangled in my hair as I tried to breath as well, a sharp sting hurting the inside of my chest with a single morbid thought, something that was ever present but just came in a sudden moment of realization.
Raven and Saphrin would come, and Mark would come, and they'd all hug me and cry with me because I was upset, but the one person that would actually make me feel better wasn't going to, and that was the reason that I was upset in the first place, and now it was getting all jumbled around and confusing. I screamed in anguish, thinking of it, hearing a slight silence blanketing the room only for a moment before the light conversations started again.
Mark sat down beside me and I felt his arm around me. It was completely powerful, my brother, perhaps the only person I had left to make me feel better in the least. The only person physically who would be of any comfort, who would be able to hug me and hold me…I felt so goddamn pathetic but I didn't do anything about it.
Saphrin at some point sat down on my other side, taking my hand in two of hers and holding it and then crying, kissing my knuckles and weeping. I don't know how long this went on until Mark finally quieted me, and began to speak.
"You have to go in there…" he said quietly. Saphrin wiped her eyes and leaned her head on my shoulder. Raven was sitting cross-legged on the coffee table in front of us, looking too exhausted to cry. Neither of them really understood what Mark was saying. I did, though, and cringed. He hadn't gone to our parent's funeral, and his whole life regretted that. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life regretting it, either.
I sighed. "I know…" I said softly. Raven looked up at me, then to Saphrin and then Mark.
"Listen you guys," he said slowly. His lip was trembling again as he spoke but no tears came. "And especially you, Kane…Amber is gone, and so is Claudette, but we have to stick together. You know on the road everything gets alone, and sometimes tedious, but we have to help each other, and be the friends we were…we can't let this get us down…"
"Alright, Scott," Mark said. Again I felt a sting in my heart that he'd called him "Scott." I shook my head to myself.
"This is wrong. It's fucking wrong and you all know it. How can you just fill the void like that?"
"Kane," Saph said, sitting up and turning to me. "Please Kane you aren't making this easier. We aren't replacing her. We just mean that…" she began to sob. "You aren't the only one who just lost someone, Kane! She was our friend, too! You can't just think we'd try to replace her. How could we fucking do that?"
"We just need to be here for each other," Raven said, sniffling, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He sighed, none of us speaking. "And we also need to go pay them our respects…"
"You guys haven't gone in yet?" I asked, a bit surprised but not knowing why. All three of them shook their heads. Mark hunched his shoulders and stared at the ground, breathing very deeply and slowly. I could feel his pain emanating from him. Raven did the same thing, and again Saphrin was leaning on me. I covered my face in my hands, repulsed by my skin but needing to look away from everything for a moment.
"It's getting late, too," Saphrin added. "People are starting to leave."
I looked up and saw that she was right, that one or two people were getting their jackets. Those who left came to me first and gave their condolences.
"Shall we?" Mark asked softly, not looking up. I groaned, tears sinking back into my eyes.
"Yeah…c'mon…" we all rose together, slowly, and made our way to the door. I stood in the door frame for a moment, feeling that there was some invisible force field that kept me out. Mark turned around.
"You coming?"
I wiped the tears before they could fall. "Give me a second…" I whispered, not whispering intentionally. I could feel my heart pounding and hear it in my ears. Raven, Mark, and Saphrin slowly entered the room, going ahead of me. I couldn't bring myself to move. I just stared for a moment, fear consuming me, afraid to go in and see her only because I didn't want to in an extreme way. I had a rush of memory of when I was a child, when every once in a while Mark and I would hide in one of the storage closets outside the viewing room, where there was a vent on the door and we would lay on our stomachs and watch wakes and funerals. I remember wanting to do that at my parents' funeral, when I was still very much in pain from my injuries and the light hurt my eyes nearly unbearably and I didn't want to be seen…but I specifically remember that morning when Mark was trying to put bandages on me and peroxide and clean all of it so that there wouldn't be an infection, and I remember him helping me around because I had lost my equilibrium for a while from losing sight in one eye…he was helping me around and we were talking about finding a place similar to the one which had burned, where we could see but not be seen.
But Paul overheard. And his solution was to lock Mark up in the attic while he took me to the funeral, and held me by the wrist in the dead center of the room for everyone to see. I was so scared of him that I couldn't bring myself to cry or fight but just stood there, thinking of Mark. After that, my first experience of being publicly humiliated, it was the first time that he ever locked me in the basement. Why? Because Mark was in the attic and we were as far away from each other as possible.
Fucking bastard. I hated him more than anything now, and wanted to blame him for what was happening here.
"Fuck," I said under my breath, clenching my fist and trying to gather all my energies to take me into the room. Slowly I entered, the doors opening into space between the wall and the back row of chairs. I took short steps, eyes ahead of me and not looking at the casket that lay to my right. I saw the part in the chairs which formed an aisle, turning slowly. I felt the gazes of everyone there, everyone sitting and everyone standing and everyone that had taken a moment to stop talking and stop their crying. My heart pounded as I began up the aisle, remembering our wedding, where there was an alter and chairs and an aisle…and mostly the same people there. I cringed, feeling the tears rising my eyes as I a prie-dieu before the coffin came into my vision. I stopped, the silence engulfing, feeling like I was the only person in the room, and for a moment not caring about anything else in the room except for what was right before me.
Honestly I didn't want to look up. I had seen them twice already this way, when I'd found them and when I had been in the morgue. I didn't know if I could do it again, or if I wanted to. But the truth was that I had to, and I took one more step toward them before raising my eyes to see.
Claudette was laying on Amber, Amber's arms around her. Her hair was clean, and combed, and trimmed…for a moment I actually was happy that she looked so nice before reality came to me. Amber's hair was clean as well, and curled, as it had been in my dream. Her eyes fell closed, mascara emphasizing her beautiful eyelashes. Her skin was white, like a fairy tale princess, and had blush on her cheeks, so that they were pink. She was beautiful, but not now. Now she was just wrong, and I hated it. Because as nice of a job they'd done cleaning up her body and making her wounds invisible, she was dead and not really alive. I cringed, placing my hand on top of hers, which rested on Claudette's tiny shoulder. She wore a beautiful black dress, one that I knew she would've loved, with billowy sleeves. And she wore her wedding ring. I let out a sob as I looked down at her, my heart about to explode.
Her hand was so cold. I despised it, despised all the coldness, the feel of a corpse and of snow and of anything like that. It made me surge with anger, and yet made me completely upset because of fire. I was stuck in neutral, between the cold of my wife and my daughter and fire which had disfigured my whole life. I imagined that Amber's eyes opened, that she clasped her hand around mine and smiled, and that Claudette woke up and giggled and the three of us went home and watched movies. We could watch Romeo & Juliet, the new one, the intense one with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, with warm smiles and beautiful words and lovely kisses. She and I had watched that movie a lot, and knew most of the words to it.
I thought of Romeo, hearing of his wife's death, screaming and falling to his knees. Of Juliet waking to find Romeo deceased beside her. Of her hollow sob, the one that echoes through the cathedral. I saw in my mind the night I'd seen Amber dancing, when I'd been lying on the ground, intoxicated on fresh air and nature, seeing the stars circle Amber and the stars shine through her eyes. Did she dance with them now? Among them as some form of an angel? With out daughter? I couldn't help it now and sobbed, falling to my knees before them.
"I defy you, stars!" I screamed, just like Romeo, then clutched my stomach and my hair and collapsed, feeling hands on my shoulders and not caring to see who they were. I shoved them all away, crying, staggering up to my feet and turning to all of them. "You can't just stand there and think that I don't hear your silence, that I don't know you just stare at me!" Mark approached me and put his arm around me, telling me to be quiet and calm down. I punched a table that was beside me in anger and frustration, sending vases of flowers to fall on the floor, letting Mark take hold of me and try to make me feel better. He wasn't, but perhaps the one clear thing in my mind at the moment was not fighting him because it would have hurt him. I let him hold me for a moment, let him tell everyone that we needed a moment alone, that it was time everyone left. Slowly they filed out of the room and he pulled me over to the first row of chairs, sitting me down there. Raven and Saphrin stood there above me, and Mark sat beside me. They were all crying.
"Kane please…" Saphrin said. She sounded genuinely feminine, tears in her voice. She reached down and played with some of my hair. "Kane please calm down. Don't do this…" I pulled away from her, losing myself, standing up and screaming.
"Fuck you!" I shouted. "Fuck you, Saph! You don't know what the fuck happened! You don't know who fucking killed them and what it looked like! Don't tell me to calm down goddamnit!" She closed her eyes as I yelled. I felt really bad about yelling at her but couldn't help it, I needed to take it out on someone. More tears rolled when her eyes closed, and for a moment I felt a terrible emptiness. She had beautiful eyes, hazel, reddish irises and a deep, enigmatic expression in them. I felt it when she closed her eyes, like she was shutting me out. It felt awful. But I was bringing it on myself and I couldn't stop.
"Kane!" Raven yelled, taking Saphrin into his arms. He wiped tears from his face. "Don't go around being an asshole! It isn't fair! Don't you think we know how you feel?"
"No! Don't you fucking say that, Scott! You do not know how I feel! Why don't I just go kill Saph and Evan? How would you feel then? You don't know how I feel and don't try to say that you do! Just…fuck off!" I spat. I could see the hurt in his expression at what I'd said. Again I felt completely sorry but couldn't help it. I hoped he'd seen the regret in my eyes, hoped that he knew that I didn't mean it. He fell silent, taking Saph by the shoulders and leading her out of the room without looking back. My fist clenched as I watched them.
Again I stepped up to the casket, staring at the two of them. I was losing my mind. "I'm really sorry that you had to see that, Amber. I'm sorry for cursing in front of Claudette…I know you don't like it…" I sighed and took her hand, intertwining our fingers. "Scott was just being stupid, he doesn't know what happened. I'm sorry for being so loud. I don't mean to hurt your ears you know. It's a good thing Claudette didn't wake, though, right?"
I heard some strange sound from Mark, like a gasp, like he was incredulous and shocked. I know now why, though at the time I couldn't imagine what he was doing. And I don't remember what I was thinking, only remember what I was doing, and that it was very upsetting, and still bothers me. Because I'd gone mad for the time being.
"Amber…" I said. I wasn't that upset anymore, not crying, just calm, talking to her. "I got our pictures of the snowman. I didn't look at them yet though, but I will. I'll be sure to show them to you…" and then, and I can't remember what came over me so I can't say what it was that made me do this, but I slipped my arm around the back of her neck and began to lift her. Claudette's body slipped out of her arms and I began to pull her so that she sat up and I could carry her. Mark was on me in a moment, screaming in my ear, telling me to put her down but I didn't want to. I didn't want Mark getting between me and my wife. But finally he pried her from my arms and rested her in the casket before turning to me and punching me square in the face. It was a real punch and broke the skin on my cheekbone. I could feel the blood trickling down my face just as tears had done so prevalently over the past few days. He then shoved me, and I staggered backward. I caught myself and straightened, coming for him and trying to grab his hair. Before I could do that he speared me and we both toppled over each other into the chairs, knocking the all down. I hit my head and was too winded for a moment to do anything. Before I knew it he was pinning me against the floor.
"Get a hold of yourself!" he screamed. His hair was brown at this period of our lives, almost red, and it was falling down around his face and into mine. I stared at him, at his eyes which were mixed with horror and anger and sorrow. His electric eyes which always gave some kind of paralysis. I fell under them, not making any struggle as he had me pinned there. I had a flash of a memory of Valentine's Day, three years earlier, being pinned by him on a bed in a hotel room. Desperation rushed to me, as did tears. I began to cry. Not sob, really, but weep. His gaze softened, anger leaving his expression. He backed off of me and helped me sit up among the knocked over chairs.
I was shaking. I tried not to look at the beautiful display which I'd more or less mangled. I was humbled. Mark rubbed my back. I wiped my tears, smearing the blood all over my cheek.
"I want my mask," I said quietly. He winced and bit his lip.
"Alright, Kane, alright…let's go to Mike's…" he said, so calmly and strong, trying to keep me from going into hysterics. He stood and grabbed my arm with both of his hands, pulling me up, holding me so that I wouldn't stagger as we left the room, leaving the funeral director to clean up our mess, which really was part of the job I suppose. Mark helped me put on a jacket and we walked to Mike's, him holding my arm and talking softly to me the whole time. I can't recall whether I've forgotten what he said or if I just wasn't paying attention to him. When we got up to my room, which was miraculously clean and in the right order, he made me sit down on the couch and went over to pour me a drink.
Chills ran down my spine when he handed me a cup filled with Coca Cola and no ice. He knew me too well, remembered that I always drank Coke with no ice to calm myself down, and when I was upset. I remember when I'd broken up with my first girlfriend, and he'd come to see me and brought me a two-liter bottle of it. Thinking about that made me more upset, thinking that I'd only had two girlfriends before Amber. One of them, the first one, I lost my virginity to her. And as it turned out, she was just doing it as a bet with her friends to see if I was "well proportioned." I got sick thinking about her. My other girlfriend…she had just been a ringrat who was hell bent on seeing what I looked like under the mask.
Bitches.
That was why I was so hesitant when I first took off my mask for Amber, only to find that she didn't care. I mean, I was normally like that with people, uncomfortable and everything, but with Amber it was different, because she was a woman and I felt attracted to her and more than that. Drawn to her somehow, like we had been meant for each other.
I drank the Coke, feeling a little calmer, having it calm my nerves if not my mind. My body relaxed, and Mark sat down beside me. I picked up a cushion and fiddled with it, trying to keep my mind on simple things. He ran his hands through his hair.
"Kane we really need to talk. We have to have a serious, non-crying, non-emotional conversation right now. And I know that's hard but we have to cooperate for a moment because this obviously isn't working out very well," I was about to make some sharp remark to him but he silenced me. "Kane. Cooperate. And don't think I don't know how you feel…" he said, and tapped his temple with his forefinger. I sighed, realizing that he did know, that he could sense it. I leaned back on the couch, letting my head fall back, staring at the ceiling.
"Alright, Mark. What?"
"Good…now listen," he said, a tiny bit choked up but swallowing it. "You really can't do this to yourself or to me or to Raven and Saph. It was really mean what you said to them tonight…and I know that you didn't mean it but you have to understand that they just lost their best friend. Imagine if this was Scott in your shoes…you'd be sad as hell if Saphrin was gone and you know it. So don't do this to him or to her. Or me. You promised that you'd be here for me just like I promised to be here for you. Kane, you're my little brother. You mean a lot to me and I don't want to see you brought down by this. You have to stay strong and live through this. I just lost my niece and my sister-in-law and I'll be damned if I have to lose my brother also…" he touched my face and turned my head so that I'd look at him. His eyes were so intense and determined. "I don't want to lose you, Kane. We've lost enough people. Our parents were two too many people for the two of us to lose. And now we've lost others. We can't leave each other. You have to go on…"
The cushion which had dropped into my lap was once again in my hands. I looked down at the floor, seeing a slight stain from the alcohol I'd spilled. I felt timid and weak, and hugged the cushion, resting my chin against it. I whispered: "But I don't want to…"
"Kane," Mark tried to get me to look at him. He snapped his fingers in front of me. "Kane. Kane!" he sounded a little impatient. Finally I lifted my eyes. "Kane…I'm saying this to you now, and I know for a fact that you know how hard this is for me to admit to people...but Kane- I love you. I really do. More than anything. And you're killing me by doing this to us. Just…stop it."
I began to respond but he interrupted me. "And don't make any excuses. I'm not going to let you be this miserable. You have to pull yourself out of this. And I know that you're hurting, and I understand that, and I know that it's never going to go away, but this is just the beginning. The destruction will go on as long as you let it until you decide that you can put an end to it. You are miserable as fuck, I know it, and it's all you. You have the power to make it go away. So…when you decide that you can go on without your loves, which I know will be hard, but once you decide to adjust and clean yourself up and come back on the road, I promise you everything will be better."
Tears were coming again but I didn't make a big theatric out of them. They just came silently. He stood and began to leave. "Clean up your face…I'm leaving," he said softly. And then, as he was walking out the door, he turned around and gave me a bit of a grin. "And stop fucking drinking…damn lush…"
I laughed a little too, which lifted my spirits incredibly. He sighed relief before leaving, closing the door behind him.
Mark's words meant a lot to me. I respected the hell out of him as being my brother and even just himself, as Mark Callaway. The Undertaker. The Phenom. My brother. He was so many things and such a wonderful person. It amazed me how much better I felt once he left, leaving me his words. He was wise and usually gave good advice.
I didn't doubt him. I walked into the bathroom and washed my face, trying not to concentrate on my reflection, before going to sleep.
Hey duckies! Did you like the long chapter? Muah I bet you did. Anyway…I wrote my first Jeffie fic and I want to plug it here because I think my duckies will all like it. XD XD I'm done with it already, just have to post the chapters. It's called Figure 13 and its under my other screen name, Gwenny the Penny v.2.0. So when you get a chance check it out for me! Because it's ME! It's GWENNY! I'm not some dumb fangirl writing a Mary-Sue about Jeff, dammit!! XD XD Okay. So see ya.